A NEW PHASE

[kikidee]

As I am unable to post any further on my last thread - CONTACTING OW/OW'S HUSBAND - (I don't know why - was it too long?) so I guess I'm forced to start anew. That's OK. I feel like I'm in a new space. I am staying in the same forum because I have found some amazing people who have helped and shared here. Thank you to all who have supported me thus far. It has most definitely kept me from doing some things which I might have regretted. I have been much more able to think through things, amongst all of the turmoil, with the thoughtful and experienced words of all of you. Thank you . Thank you. Thank you.

After a couple of long conversations with H and some space I am stepping back. It doesn't seem to matter how many times it's been read or you've been told, it's just a process to get to the point where you're able to step back from your S and move forward on your own. I feel as though I am headed in that direction. I am trying to let go of the thoughts of the OW and of what that's done to me. I have known from the beginning that I have to focus on me. I think I'm finally there.

I am now able to breathe. I slept longer than my alarm clock for the first time in about 6 months. I feel a strange sense of calm. It's very unfamiliar at this point. I am hoping that it will help to bolster my strength and to keep me focused on the positive. Where we will go from here, I really don't know. I have very conflicting feelings. I want very much to be able to get to a place with my H that feels good. I hope that we'll be able to get there. The darker side makes me think that he's hurt me too much to ever get there. Let's hope the former thoughts prevail.

Jen_Jam, root, rob1231, zebra - if you're out there, I'd love to hear from you.

[Jen_Jam]

I'm here! You sound like how I felt after the second bomb. Calm, collected, of course not happy with it but accepting and although I was a little clueless about the future I knew I was not going down the pain, crying, begging etc route.

Now it's time for you. be kind to yourself. Treat yourself, hang out with friends, enjoy life. For now don't worry about H or how you can get to feeling good about him - YOU are the most important person right now.

[kikidee]

Thank you so much Jen_Jam. I am happy to hear that what I'm going through sounds familiar. If I can get to as good a place as you, then maybe I'll be OK.

Not that I need to know, but it does occur to me that it would be interesting to know where your H was in his head throughout these times. I guess I'm just interested, not desperate anymore, to know how my own H is coping through this - where his head is. I can only wonder out loud because I know that my focus isn't entirely on him. He is still in my thoughts. I can't delete him entirely. I do care for him deeply and wish him well. I worry about him. I know that my attention has to be redirected. I will go away in a few days for a couple of reconnecting days with my kids, staying with a friend who has a fabulous way of looking at life. Surrounding myself with those with a positive grip on reality will be a nice change.

Thank you for responding. This site has been a much needed lifeline.

[Rob1231]

Hi kikidee,

I'm glad things are settling down a bit for you, emotionally. I know the hurt is still there, but having a bit of calm sure beats the emotional roller coaster.

I guess I'm just interested, not desperate anymore, to know how my own H is coping through this - where his head is. I can only wonder out loud because I know that my focus isn't entirely on him. He is still in my thoughts. I can't delete him entirely. I do care for him deeply and wish him well. I worry about him. I know that my attention has to be redirected.

You're on the right track here, keep it up. When people talk about detachment here, I always encourage them not to think of this as feeling numb and totally disconnected. Instead, strive for loving detachment. Of course you still feel for H - but your own happiness is no longer dependent upon him.

In fact, you want to think of loving detachment not as a defense mechanism to get you through this rocky time in your M - in the future, you'll want to continue to maintain that detachment as an important part of a strong relationship. Think of it this way - a strong relationship is based on two people who do not need to be together to be happy, but who do choose to be together and share the happiness that each feels as an individual.

If you are up for it, a book that helped me really "get" this concept (but I'll warn you, it's a very dense, tough read) is called Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.

[kikidee]

I am absolutely understanding the loving detachment. That's exactly where I am right now. It's frustrating to look back and see how eventually, we all go through the same stages and there's not really anything to do to help anyone get to the next phase until they just get there on their own. This is a much easier place to be. I do love my H dearly. My anger about the pain he has knowingly inflicted has subsided somewhat. I feel as though it is something I have consciously put away. I don't want to let go of it entirely right now because I don't want to forget how hurtful he has been. I'm not sure if this is useful to hold onto or not - not that I feel as though I have a choice right now. I need to keep him from hurting me to that degree again but at the same time I do want to get to a place of forgiveness. Little by little. Day by day.

[Zebra]

I am absolutely understanding the loving detachment. That's exactly where I am right now.

Wow, k, you sound lots better! I had lost your thread, but I found it today.

What I notice about you is that in your last thread, you seemed to feel that you had to do something, to fix something, to follow his lead and act upon something. All of it re-active to his actions.

True loving detachment is very "active", but not at all re-active. You choose to stop allowing his drama to run you, you stop trying to stop his drama. You notice it, but you get along with your stuff, with your kids. You keep interested in what he's doing, keep track of how he responds to things you do (if he does), and you don't pursue him at all. When / if he addresses you, you choose how you will act in response to him, and you hopefully never re-act to him.

Good work.

z

[kikidee]

Loving is not the way I would describe my detachment. I have felt it and would like to be that way but feel totally incapable of it at the moment.

Up and down is how I feel. Not so much sadness now - just residual anger when I have to deal with some mess he has left in his wake. I haven't figured out how to quote, but Zebra, you say that I have to "choose to stop allowing his drama to run" me. It's nice to know that it's not just me who thinks that it's his drama, not mine. I have felt like this has been my problem to fix but finally I'm getting to the point of being able to let the responsibility rest on his shoulders. This is his stuff.

I really don't see much hope of him ever coming back and I have to start to accept that there truly is nothing I can do. I have done everything I could think of. I am ready to be outside of this drama. I want my life back - regardless of how far away it is from the life I was living previously. I am ready to move on and away from someone who has been so cruel to me. How can someone with whom you were so in love and who you thought loved you back treat you with such disregard?

[Zebra]

First, a lesson...

Quote by clicking on the reply button in the bottom of the message box. Copy the text you want to quote. There will be a window below the box you are typing in that says "in response to:" that contains the old message. Click on the " button at the top of the typing text box. two words "quote" "quote" will appear (they will actually be bracket-quote-bracket and bracket-slash-quote-bracket, which is HTML to make the quote box). Paste the text you copied between the two bracketed quote words. Then click preview post to see if it worked.

Next, back to the sitch at hand. One of the biggest reason that you cannot seem to get past the anger leaps out at me in your last two sentences. You just said that you understand and accept that this is HIS drama. It is his drama, pain, problem and confusion that is all that's going on now. People in this kind of pain and self-involvement don't have time to worry about others, and they don't do things to others. When you wonder about how he can be so cruel to YOU, or how he treats YOU with disrespect, you are taking all of his actions much too personally. He is acting selfishly and trying to escape his own confusion and pain. He really has very little interest in you right now, and as such is doing nothing to you. You personally take this "nothing" as cruelty and disrespect. If you can detach from taking his actions personally, you will be able to shed your anger more easily. You will be able to allow him to live and suffer in his own misery and stop making yourself angry and crazy. You will also stop being a target for him to blame for his misery and force him to look at his actions and maybe consider how it is HIS actions, not yours, that are causing his confusion and pain. He must come to this conclusion himself. You can do nothing to bring him to that awareness, other than avoid placing yourself in his sights so he can blame you for HIS problems.

I know that what I'm saying may sound like total insanity to you. But you are in an insane situation. And the more you continue to do the same things trying to solve the problems, the more you contribute to the insanity. I don't pretend that what I am suggesting is easy. But I do ask that you think about it and try to see if you can do it and then notice what happens, first of all to your peace of mind, and secondly to his reactions.

z

[kikidee]

I know that you are so right. I flip flop between anger and detachment. It's just that when I am angry, I want to do something to rectify the wrong he has done to me. He's definitely not himself and I suppose I should take that as a sign that this indeed insanity. I fear that if I step back and accept the the situation too much, that it will do 2 things: 1)be a sign to him that I have accepted his decision to leave the M, and 2) that I will actually not be able to come back to the M if he chooses to step back in and try to work things out. From the very beginning, I have had 2 entirely opposite possibilities in reacting to any situation and feel like I have chosen the wrong one every time.

Thank you for your input and guidance, Zebra. Your insight is thought provoking.