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A Message from Michele
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Battlefield of the mind..part 2 #1365030
02/22/08 09:29 PM
02/22/08 09:29 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
C
cat03 Offline OP
Member
cat03  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
I was going to name this thread "all hell broke loose Part 2" but I dont' want that to be the theme of the entire thread.

SO SO much has happened since I last posted, I'll try to be brief. H was still seing and going out w/ow, went out for vday w/her like i suspected. After my call ow hound H to do xyz or else, wouldn't let up, she kept harrasing him and told her they'd meet with the divorce lawyer yesterday (she actually did believe what i said. H bombarded me w/texts about how I made things worse by telling her stuff that he came clean about. That he was trying to let her go (yeah, right) and that now she was on his case. That he had finally picked up all his stuff from her house while she was away, left keys and all and that she was very very angry that he did this behind her.
...the icing on the cake: ow comes to my house.
I did what i promised myself i'd do, I shut the door and told her I was calling the police if she didnt' leave inmediatly. She left but left an envelope at my door. I gave it a quick look, it was what I suspected, old love letters, cards, etc, I'm no masochist so I burnt it without reading them.
OW calls me, histerically crying, saying how sorry she was that she didnt' listen to me, that I was right, that he was playing her & that she felt used and horrible. Hell froze: I consoled her. TOld her H isnt' in his right mind, that he is a pathological liar. She keeps crying hard and asking why he did this to her, in between she'd tell me some details (bad stuff he said about me, stuff they did together and others)
I knew better than to believe everything she said of course, I just told her I was sorry she was hurting (she really was having a breakdown) She talked about how I should drop him, etc etc.

When she told me about vday I didn't believe her, I thought I saw a pict of where they went on the enveloped I burnt, I went to see the remains and I found it, dated last week (they actually had a fall-out and celebrated V saturday). Ow shocked & angry that H just took his stuff and left & that she figured out there was no lawyer (he promised they go the office yesterday but came up w/an excuse)

OK this is getting long. Talked to H that night, he told me his side, first denied what she'd said, said somethings in between, refused to answer others, we argued, convo went south fasted, his lame excuse for seeing her "we were separated", I called on that "agreement" of no dating, he shut up. LOng story short more stuff was said between her and him this am, she wanted money to feel better, she threatened suicide several times, it was ugly.
H called me this am admitting he listened to no one and made things 1000x worse & had no idea what to do, we come up with some stuff, but after he hanged up ow tells him she is going to his mom's even if he istn' there (I didn't knwo taht after the meeting was over). The night before she went looking for him as his job, went to his friends' home where she thought he lived to return stuff he gave her and had a coronary when she learned he didnt' live there. Friend thought she was totally nuts.

THey met this am at his mom's (she was horrified, mom, wasn't expecting her there) and ow again cryies histerically, returns all the stuff he ever gave her and tells him she is done w/him, that she wont' go after him anymore, that she loves me and would've done anything for him (H told me that part 2x because he things that means she isnt' going to do any more harm)

H now says he doesn't have her influence presuring him and that it is all up to him now.
So for a bit I was sucked right back into H's personal hell, I'm trying to get myself out, for a bit he involved me in decision of how to rid of ow and got me in the involved again.
I was making assumptions again that he was only remembering the "I'd do anythign for you" part from ow and forgetting all shed' done, but I figure that is ON HIM NOW, I must step away, I was going to txt him but no, even if he hasnt' learn all he should've, I must not get involved. Throught the whole thing when he felt cornered he'd lie, told her he'd give her $ and seconds later realized he shouldn't have, I mean, he had no will whatsoever. He has a long way to go to put himself together again.

Ow called me a 2nd time that night because she wanted to talk to someone, I suspect she is going to call me again, I don't want to talk to her again, I pity her but she's just going to have to find someone else to talk to and talked her down.

We are still going to C on wednesday. And life goes on.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
Re: Battlefield of the mind..part 2 [Re: cat03] #1365051
02/22/08 09:56 PM
02/22/08 09:56 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
E
ediemarie Offline
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ediemarie  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
oh my! It sounds like you could use a nap - or a serious trip to the spa. Anything to clear your head from all this.

I cannot believe she is calling you for you to console her. She is delusional. Your H needs to dig himself out of this. You can't pull him out. Go do something to clear your mind and let H do this on his own. He needs to. Don't talk to OW. Or if you do - tell her to find a counselor, she needs one.

(((CAT)))


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

Re: Battlefield of the mind..part 2 [Re: ediemarie] #1365061
02/22/08 10:18 PM
02/22/08 10:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 524
L
LoginName Offline
Member
LoginName  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 524
cat,
I found you.
Some scary stuff: she's nuts.
Some VERY Postitive stuff: You're not! And you're detaching.
KUDOS, for burning the letter. Keep detaching. Nothing nothing nothing she, he can say or do will change anything. It can only come back to haunt you if you listen too much now. detach from them both.
You're a compassionate person, but you can only help them by detaching and letting them solve their problems themselves
Keep up the detaching. Don't assume his reasons for doing anything. Dont' assume good reasons for bad.

Detach. Focus on yourself. No assumptions or expectations. Don't ask him (or her) about anything except things you need for the kids or daily chore stuff.

You're on the right track, you really are. This is the only way that works.

thinking of you


M45, W45,S15, D10,
Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07
last thread
Re: Battlefield of the mind..part 2 [Re: ediemarie] #1365063
02/22/08 10:19 PM
02/22/08 10:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 524
L
LoginName Offline
Member
LoginName  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 524
cat,
I found you.
Some scary stuff: she's nuts.
Some VERY Postitive stuff: You're not! And you're detaching.
KUDOS, for burning the letter. Keep detaching. Nothing nothing nothing she, he can say or do will change anything. It can only come back to haunt you if you listen too much now. detach from them both.
You're a compassionate person, but you can only help them by detaching and letting them solve their problems themselves
Keep up the detaching. Don't assume his reasons for doing anything. Dont' assume good reasons or bad.

Detach. Focus on yourself. No assumptions or expectations. Don't ask him (or her) about anything except things you need for the kids or daily chore stuff.

You're on the right track, you really are. This is the only way that works.

thinking of you


M45, W45,S15, D10,
Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07
last thread
Re: Battlefield of the mind..part 2 [Re: ediemarie] #1365065
02/22/08 10:20 PM
02/22/08 10:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 524
L
LoginName Offline
Member
LoginName  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 524
cat,
I found you.
Some scary stuff: she's nuts.
Some VERY Postitive stuff: You're not! And you're detaching.
KUDOS, for burning the letter. Keep detaching. Nothing nothing nothing she, he can say or do will change anything. It can only come back to haunt you if you listen too much now. detach from them both.
You're a compassionate person, but you can only help them by detaching and letting them solve their problems themselves
Keep up the detaching. Don't assume his reasons for doing anything. Dont' assume good reasons for bad.

Detach. Focus on yourself. No assumptions or expectations. Don't ask him (or her) about anything except things you need for the kids or daily chore stuff.

You're on the right track, you really are. This is the only way that works.

thinking of you


M45, W45,S15, D10,
Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07
last thread
Re: Battlefield of the mind..part 2 [Re: LoginName] #1365067
02/22/08 10:20 PM
02/22/08 10:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 524
L
LoginName Offline
Member
LoginName  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 524
whoa! How'd that happen :-P


M45, W45,S15, D10,
Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07
last thread
Re: Battlefield of the mind..part 2 [Re: LoginName] #1365104
02/22/08 10:48 PM
02/22/08 10:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,242
Western States
A
Aud31 Offline
Member
Aud31  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,242
Western States
HO-LY COW.

Cat, I have to super agree with LN: "You're a compassionate person, but you can only help them by detaching and letting them solve their problems themselves"

The only thing that kept going through my head when reading your post is that you have to start with the assumption that anything H tells you is false...until he appears to be getting things together (in months...not days or weeks). It's fine to be compassionate (I'm totally the same), but it's also vital that you don't get sucked into the drama any more.

I so wish we lived close, I would come kidnap you and take you far away from this circus! (At least for a weekend \:\) )


Me-36
H-36
3 young children
Married-14y
Re: Battlefield of the mind..part 2 [Re: Aud31] #1365349
02/23/08 03:26 AM
02/23/08 03:26 AM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
C
cat03 Offline OP
Member
cat03  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
hey guys, strangely enough I feel much better than ever, I know H is going to cut communication in half, but I"m ok with that, I've seen her craziness first hand, I can sort of guess what hell H is in right now, and he sure needs miles of space.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
Re: Battlefield of the mind..part 2 [Re: cat03] #1366047
02/24/08 01:18 AM
02/24/08 01:18 AM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 712
believing_isaiah43 Offline
Member
believing_isaiah43  Offline
Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 712
cat, good heavens, friend. what a nightmare.

i'm working too much lately to post well, but let me just say that LRT/going dark is SUCH a good idea for you.

and, i really just think your H needs IC, not any type of MC right now. as you yourself said to OW, your H is a pathological liar - with BOTH of you, and has misled your MC(s) before.

It's really of no use until he is well as an INDIVIDUAL before there is anything you can do as a COUPLE.

of course this is just MHO, and YMMV, and I'm biased toward you and wouldn't mind killing your H while he sleeps. you know. SMOOCH!

{{{cat}}}


Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19

If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3

Part 4
Re: Battlefield of the mind..part 2 [Re: believing_isaiah43] #1366096
02/24/08 02:20 AM
02/24/08 02:20 AM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
C
cat03 Offline OP
Member
cat03  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
thanks sweet BI, you are always in my prayers.

Ok, more drama, got two calls from H, the sane one saying how he didnt even remember what he was so upset about when he lived here, how he couldn't understand why I didn't hate him and how ow was so impressed with how kind I was with her. He had to abrutly go to make an arrest, 4hrs later at 3am calls, in a different voice telling me that he didnt' have enough feelings for me, that he loved ow and that he wanted to move back with her. i wasted my breath reminding him of all the drama that happened that very morning:the suicide threat,the asking of money,the stalking...and he had a good excuse to each one "she was upsted I was lying" or to the reason he escaped "I was just feeling bad i lied"

We didnt' talk long, I sent him an txt asking him not to contact me today, in the late pm tried anyways. I talked to mom and she tells me he wants to go talk legal separation. He sends a few txt msgs, still is, one of them says that ow wouldnt' date him anymore because ... she couldn't do that to me... since I was so kind to her... I'm still not processing that bit, wow.

He is back to half sane, saying how he lied so much, sorry to have hurted me (all txts, I told him i rather speak to him in person) that he didnt' want to hurt anyone anymore, that we needed to talk without kids around, that he was concern about them.

But, it is there... like a brand iron mark, the fact that he went back to her, regardless EVERYTHING that had happened, he prefered her, I dont' know when I'll even live that down.

So tomorrow we might be talking separation agreement, on wednesday we have a MC session, I thought perhaps it was better to talk about the S there, but it's a long way. Anyways, here it is again, this terrible volcano that wont' stop spewing lava.

I know i will be alright, but my heart breaks for the kids, for my little barely 5yr old, never will knwo the joy of a dad & mom family.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
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