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#1354906 02/12/08 07:53 PM
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My H of 13 years, been together 20 with 2 kids S-12 & D-6 admitted to me on Dec. 3, 2007 that he had been having a text "friendship" with someone, but it wasn't sexual. Well after a totally bogus counseling session and many teary conversations and a Christmas night from hell (he said they weren't talking anymore and she called him and MAJOR drama ensued...my sons b-day is 12/26) I found out that it is sexual and that he has feelings for her. We had to go back to the counselor and tell her that the first session was pretty much total BS and he moved out that night. He now lives with his mom and is pursuing his relationship with OW, but keeping me around too. He says that he is confused and needs to figure out what he feels for her, he doesn't know if its love or an addiction.... Anyway, upon the advice of our marriage counselor, we both got into individual counseling, he of course waited over a month to actually do so, but now is gung-ho to find "himself." He sends conflicting messages, he tells me that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, don't give up on me, let me do my counseling so I can come back and be 100% and then also tells me how much he likes the OW, that he has feelings for her and he's not sure if its love, but what else could it be? How its fun with her and she's nice, like I care. Saturday night I melted down and told him that I was happy for him and that he needed to just go and be happy, that obviously he wants to be with her, as that is where he puts all of his energy and he again said, don't give up on me, don't give up on our family etc... Last night I told him I needed some space and he said he wouldn't call me, and so far itís been 3 times today. I feel like I owe it to my kids and myself to see what changes counseling will bring him, but I also need to detach because I know way too much about his activities and it just hurts so damn much. I know he is a gambling addict and he has even said more than once that he doesn't know if he is infatuated with OW or if she is an addiction and I know where my vote is cast, but I can't do it for him. I want it to work, I love him with all my heart, but the pain is just almost too much to bear. I see my counselor on Thursday, Valentines Day (HA!) and I'm going to ask her for coping skills, but if anyone out there has any suggestions I would love to hear them. The OW is 7 years younger than us and has a 12 year old daughter, whose father is dead. OW lives with her parents and doesn't really seem to have a lot of responsibility. She is bound and determined that she wants my husband and in the 4 months they have been seeing each other he had loaned her the $$ to get her car refinanced and also lent her money for other things, which is totally out of character for him. I think she may think she has found a sugar-daddy, cash cow and he has even made the same remark, but yet continues to pursue her... This is so hard!


M:39
H:39
K:S14;D8
T:22yr
M:15yrs
S:12/28/07 EA/PA
3/14/08 OW preg
11/17/08 born
12/12/08 his
~~~~~~~
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option


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Wow! Your H sounds a LOT like mine. Everything from saying he still loves me and isn't sure if it is an addiction to him "loaning" her money (I am sure he isn't seeing that money again) to help with her car. She has 2 young girls and lives with her mom. My H is currently back home, but isn't totally sure what he wants and says he is confused. It is so hard to cope. I too have an appointment with a therapist on Valentines Day to find out what I can do to get my self esteem back. How I can handle everything. I don't know what to tell you, but just keep being as strong as you can. Don't beg or plead with him.

Sara


Me-31 H-38
M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs
No kids
Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06
Found out about OW 12-24-07
Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08
OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08
OW is back 4-19-08
H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08
Filed for divorce 6-5-08
Divorced 7-2-08
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Hello,

So sad you are here - but I would not have gotten thru my sitch if did not have the support of all the wonderful people out here.

First - he is not telling you goodbye and up and filing - that is good. He sounds confused and he could waffle for some time. The thing that worries me is your finances!! If OW continues she will get more and more out of him. The A's are true addictions and they cannot get over the OP until the OP has been out of their lives for some time --weeks if not months. Hell my H was sucked in by his OW three times even though she was not good for him - he had major issues with her and yet he still took her calls - EVEN after moving back home. It takes them a long time to 'see the light' - if they ever do - sometimes they don't get it until it is too late (just ask Hope11 and Lovely olive is going through it right now).

First you sound like you are detaching fairly well despite your short timeline - took me a LONG time to get this. Do a search on detachment - there are some great postings on this.

Second figure out your finances - he should not be giving funds to OW - or at a minimun document it all. If it goes to D - I think a lot of this can be recouped by you.

Read read read the sitch's out here - that is where I learned a lot. There are diff viewpoints on how you should move - see Choceyes (one extreme) to less aggressive. It all depends on your H and how he will react. Had I been so confrontational with my H - he would have been GONE in a flash. He said what worked for him was I always took the high road, improved myself (and he saw those improvements), went on vac with the kids and without him (this hurt him big time) and basically started moving on without him GAL alot!!! This did not happen overnight - Aug 9th was our 1 yr anniv on our 'how he felt we needed a D talk'. It took me until the next June to figure out true detachment!!! Learn from out mistakes out here!!!!

I got my FIRST ILY on Xmas day - so it took 16 mos or so to hear those words. We did MC, IC and finally Retrouvaille - this helped him the most but the OW was really not a factor by this point. Though she did call him a little even then (the skank)LOL.

Detaching is good - it helps that he is not at home so this is good for you. I would track how much time he spends with the kids too... Don't let him move back home until he is COMPLETELY done with OW and truly wants to work on your M.

Good luck and hang in there I see a lot of little positives in your sitch...

HB


Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10
8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth
2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home
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Heartbroken, thanks for the advice and kind words.

He keeps saying that he will always take care of us and has so far. He is willing to continue to make my house payment so the kids and I can stay where we are, but it makes me wonder if he does end up with her how long that will last.

My dad is an attorney, so I'm willing to play hard ball if I have to, I just really don't want to.

I try to see the positives, and I sound WAY more detached than I am. He sucks me back in every time and since we have basically grown up together we are best friends so we have had some highly inappropriate conversations regarding their relationship. He seems very confused and I want to believe it, but I don't want to end up being a fool, for very much longer.

I think he is really committed to his counseling, but he goes back and forth everyday about how he feels about OW. One day he has feelings and how could they be anything other than love and the next day, she is a friend, then its maybe he has feelings because she is the first person he has slept with, etc... too much information!!!

I have already told him and he has agreed that until he gets his head together, him coming home is not even a question. I haven't heard anything I need to hear to make that happen and the first thing he has to do is get rid of her. He says he won't come back until he is sure that "we" are what he wants and then it'll be 100%. So I will just have to see.

It sounds like you have been through quite a lot and are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm so glad for you.

Thanks again and Starshyne thanks for your words too. I will not beg or plead, the time for that is long past and keep your appointment. The best thing you can do is to do for yourself right now. I'm trying to focus on me (have lost 30 lbs. in 2 months...lovin' the stress diet) and my kids. I go to the gym now almost everyday at lunch, I go out on the weekends whether I want to or not and try to get through each day the best way I can. Remember, this is not about you...its about them and their short-comings.


M:39
H:39
K:S14;D8
T:22yr
M:15yrs
S:12/28/07 EA/PA
3/14/08 OW preg
11/17/08 born
12/12/08 his
~~~~~~~
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option


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Until Sunday, he has been operating under the delusion that no one knew besides me. I have had to clue him into the fact that not only does she know, his kids know too. My S is furious and I need to get him into counseling. My D is to young to really know anything, but she came in the other day and I asked where her dad was and she rolls her eyes and says, "Hes on the phone...with his friend!", pretty sarcastically, so I'm guessing she suspects something is wrong with that "friendship."

Isn't that special? He is so damn oblivious to everything...its sad really. Our MC told him that in the end it will be our children that pick up the tab for this situation and because he is "confused" he refuses to see what a toll its taking on them. So sad.

His mother has tried to talk to him, but he shuts her out and she has MAJOR guilt about the way she has treated him for most of his life, so I think the chance to play "Mommy" and score some points is a little to tempting for her. She was 14 when she had him and pretty much was either not there or a total raving sea hag when she was. Lots of physical and emotional abuse, so I think she is trying to be the "good guy."


M:39
H:39
K:S14;D8
T:22yr
M:15yrs
S:12/28/07 EA/PA
3/14/08 OW preg
11/17/08 born
12/12/08 his
~~~~~~~
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option


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Yes, please get your children into C, especially your son.

When my H was your son's age, his parents were going through the same thing (infidelity, separation, etc), and H told me just how angry he was with his father all the time (still is to this day), and at times, he was even angrier with his mom for not standing up for herself. I think my H lost a lot of respect for his mom while growing up, and it showed. Still does every now and then. He realizes this and is now trying to be kinder and more respectful towards her.

H's sister was about the same age as your D, too. She has depression issues as well as my H, and she has just started using ADs.

Take care of yourself and your children.

Last edited by Uncertainty; 02/13/08 12:42 AM.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
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Heartbroken has given you excellent advice. Hang in there.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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I second sgctxok, Heartbroken is full of it...good advice, that is. MWAH HB!!! \:\)

Take care of yourself. You are in a very good spot here. Things can turn around. Have you read "Not Just Friends"? Along with DB/DR and "Surviving Infidelity", its helpful.

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Time for an update....
Well my H showed up the day before Valentine's Day and gave us our cards and my D6 each a wood carved rose. He kept telling us that only hig "girls" got one of those and I just wanted to puke! We gave him his stuff and then he left...so shocked.

I get a phone call at 12:30am and He tells me, "Happy Valentine's Day" and then launches into telling me how he lost $1,600.00 at the card room and how he is a gambling addict and he needs to go to rehab, et... Then he starts in about OW and how they aren't good for each other (she likes to gamble too, I'm pretty sure thats how they met) and that he thinks he will be coming home soon, blah, blah, blah. I have learned that the light of day changes everything and in this case it is no different.

Valentine's Day he calls while I'm on my way to IC and tells me that he doesn't think he will be over that night, like its going to come as some big shock to me...you have a girlfriend! I told him that I didn't expect him to as I'm sure he had other obligations and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about, moron. I told him not everyone thought Valentine's Day was "just another day" and that I would have my S12 at practice.

He called us on our way to practice and told me he was leaving the card room and to call him and let him know how practice went. So stupid me does and he ignores my calls and the text I sent. I told him not to ask us to call if he had no intention of answering. He didn't call the kids to say goodnight (a pattern he developed when he worked out of town and has done faithfully for the last 4 years).

My kids were upset that he couldn't even call them on Valentine's Day and went to bed (bedtime 9pm). So I lost it and left him a voicemail that was rather ugly and sent him a text saying that it would be his last opportunity to disappoint the kids. He finally calls at 9:20 and can't understand why the kids are asleep,we argue and I hang up on him. He calls back and ends up hanging up on me...childish, I know. Then he sends me a text trying to say he was at work and didn't have a signal to call us, and then ended up at the card room.

I'm finding it very hard to maintain my cool right now. If he wants to hurt me thats fine, but don't hurt the kids, they don't deserve it. I also asked him to keep them next Friday night as I have to work on Saturday and he can't even commit to that. He wants to just show up Sat. morning before I go. I have to leave at 6:30am and I can't trust that he will be there and when I told him that, he just went ballistic.

I don't know what to do...


M:39
H:39
K:S14;D8
T:22yr
M:15yrs
S:12/28/07 EA/PA
3/14/08 OW preg
11/17/08 born
12/12/08 his
~~~~~~~
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option


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