Ow is a like an addiction

[Starshyne]

I believe my H is still talking to the OW. I am sure that things aren't as serious as they once were (because he is now living at home with me and not with her), but I am sure they are still talking on the phone and he might be seeing her now and then. He was supposed to cut all contact with her, but I swear he is addicted to this woman. It is almost like he physically can't rid himself of her and her powers. She is such a BAD person for him. I saw on her myspace profile that she is involved in a swingers club.

I wish I had some magic wand to wave over H and allow him to break free from this addiction.

Sara

[LL44]

I know what you mean. OW in my situation is a very messed up woman. Many affairs, many messes in her own life even before she met my H. H was very addicted to her, she fed him what he needed at the time. He was sleeping with his cell phone, forsaking everything to see her when he could, pursued her like crazy when she tried to break it off in September (drove by her house, called her constantly, etc). All that energy. Amazingly, H saw the light at broke it off with her in December, now stating she is crazy. But....he still wants a D.

I hope your H will see differently soon. Its very hard to watch them be so addicted....

[chocolateeyes]

Starshyne,

It is ABSOLUTELY an addition. Just Google "love brain chemicals PEA" -- there's more than 200,000 entries! It's a physiological fact, and it even shows up on CAT scans.

That's why so many of us are pro-exposure and the need to institute a bullet-proof "no-contact/transparency" plan if a wayward spouse is ever going to rid themselves of the affair partner. Once you realize that they ARE addicted, the only reasonable conclusion one can come to is to FIRST remove the addict from the source of their addiction. Without that, nothing substantial can be accomplished.

I'm sorry I'm not familiar with your sitch -- does your husband deny the affair? Admit to it and refuse to leave it? Or admit to it and say he'd LIKE to leave it, but can't?

My wife used to literally STAND with her cellphone in her hand, holding it out in front of her at my son's baseball games, just waiting for it to vibrate with the sweet dose of her fix. It's really quite pathetic.

- Chocolateeyes

[Starshyne]

Yes, I saw last night that he was sleeping with his cell phone right next to him on the nightstand. I am not sure if that was because he knows I snoop or because he expected her to call. I have not been asking him questions about her. But come on...common sense tells you that she is bad news. She and her 2 kids recently got kicked out of her apartment and they now live with her mom because she couldn't pay her rent. She is in more debt than you could imagine. My H is not a wealthy person by any means and so I don't know why she thinks he can help. We have our own issues with bills and just barely squeak by. This is going to sound stupid, but if he was going to leave me for another woman, why can't it be someone who is actually a good person?

I am just hoping that he can totally end this affair. I know it is hard for him and I know that he is trying. But he just needs to end all connection to her and change his number. But for whatever messed up reason, he refuses to take that step.

Sara

[chocolateeyes]

I am just hoping that he can totally end this affair. I know it is hard for him and I know that he is trying. But he just needs to end all connection to her and change his number. But for whatever messed up reason, he refuses to take that step.

Have you asked him, specifically, to do so? If so, what did he say, exactly?

[Starshyne]

Well as the advice of the DB coach, I have not been asking about the OW. But the one time I did ask him if he was going to change his phone number, he said that he didn't feel it was necessary because she was going to change hers. Well she didn't change hers and he hasn't changed his. I don't think he wants to because he doesn't want to cut off all ties from her like I would like him to.

Sara

[Starshyne]

Oh I didn't answer that one question. My H admits to the affair (says it never was physical although he wanted it to be) and wants to end it, but says that he "can't." He called her now twice and said it was over. The last time being on Feb 1st. Since then I know that he went to see her once when I was out of town last week and she has texted him last night (assume that text noise was her...). He says he wants to "work on our marriage" but have a hard time seeing him working on anything.

[Sugar and Spice]

Starshyne and chocolateeyes,

I too am married to my H and his cell phone. Its like crack for them. Before this he never looked at his phone unless it rang, now its every 3 minutes or so, its actually pretty pathetic.

He told me today that he didn't want to break it off with the OW because she is fun...ya think? I know mine is a gambling addict as well, so I think this is just one more to add to the list. He went from 10 texts before this to 2303 last month...thats not addiction though, he just has a lot to say (lol).

Forgive me for saying so, but unless he is willing to change his number and not have any contact with her, he isn't working on anything...sorry, but I speak from experience. Believe what you see, not what you hear.

[chocolateeyes]

Yep -- actions, not words.

My wife went from 200-300 texts per month to 2,000 during the peak of her affair.

[Sugar and Spice]

Mine is still a texting fool, I think we are at the peak right now, at least I hope so...