Chocolateeyes, I don't completely disagree with you as I did confront H with the A and he left. For myself, I know that I couldn't just pretend it wasn't happening and I was ready to take the risk that we would separate. Our S did result in H pursuing a PA. Whether that would have happened anyhow I don't know. All I am saying is that, if you do decide to confront spouse about the A, then you should mentally prepare yourself for an outcome that you may not desire. Lurch, in your case you're already separated, correct?
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
All I am saying is that, if you do decide to confront spouse about the A, then you should mentally prepare yourself for an outcome that you may not desire.
I would agree with that, but don't you also have to prepare yourself mentally for an outcome that you may not desire if you DON'T??
To me, it's a question of efficacy, and also of the self-worth of the betrayed spouse.
I agree with Choc but would say it's not only about confrontation but also about setting boundaries that YOU WILL adhere to if your S doesn't come through. Don't ever threaten anything you aren't willing to follow through on.
In my sitch, it was getting everything out in the open that was the beginning of the end. And to see what happened look at my signature. H told me about his A in the month that it ended. Once I knew I made sure everyone concerned knew and although it got very stormy for about a week it did finish the A off - dead in the water.
I do however believe that luck and timing play a big part in it all, as do the reasons that the WAS felt the need for an A - whether it be an EA or a PA. Although many of our situations appear similar and we hear the same old contrite things being said by our S's, everyone's sitch is slightly different and you have to factor your own differences into what action you take based on the advice given. Only YOU and your S know what's really going on.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Has she filed for D yet? A "trial separation" sounds like uncertainty.... perhaps wavering? Maybe waiting until she feels more secure about the situation with OM before committing to a decision.... and that's certainly much easier if she still has you as a back-up plan.... especially if she thinks you don't know about OM....
If you do confront, make sure you do it nicely without blame or without villifying her. I would be matter-of-fact and give her A LOT of space. Definitely GAL big time. She has to understand what it's like to "lose you." And at the same time, you have to be so wonderful (supportive, a great listener when you are together, emphasizer, the best dad ever... etc...) that if she decides to leave she'll eventually realize she has left someone she can never replace.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
"Nicely"??? Yes, I don't think you VILLIFY, and you let them know that you love them, with REAL love, not the fake, romantic stuff that will soon wear away but with an EVERLASTING love. Be firm, but loving.
But "nicely"???
There's nothing "nice" about a spouse's decision to have an affair, and I think they lose respect for us when we don't stand up to them firmly and fight for our marriages and our families.
I think the answer to your question has to come from you because you're the one that knows the probs in your M and your W. Like Choc, I confronted my H and it didn't send him into the arms of OW. We separated for awhile, but it wasn't so he could see her. I confronted because I wouldn't be with someone continuing an affair, but most importantly because I knew my H was not ready to let go of our M and our family that easily. He would've been a cake eater, but not ready to move on with someone else.
Is your W someone that runs from probs? If so, confronting her might make her run from the discovery of an A. If you think though that she's more likely to worry about losing you (she did say you're a good man), then maybe you could ask her kindly about the card you found and what's going on with her. Come from a point of wanting to understand what she's going through rather than confrontation. You might just tell her that you know she's been in contact with OM and are willing to talk about it if/when she's ready. Then DB your butt off.
I think ROOT was trying to say to do it calmly. I agree that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. (It worked for me, but perhaps because I was honey, and OW was vinegar.)
Saffie has a good point, too. Every sitch is different. What works for some doesn't work for others because of that. And only you know what your boundaries are and what you'll willing to put up with.
Lurch, you know your sitch and your W better than we do so think it through. Telling her you know would give you an opportunity to talk about your problems. If she thinks you don't know, and you never talk about it, you won't gain anything. Back to what Choc said first, if your goal is to save your M, then you should confront and expose ... calmly.
Just for the record, I am all for calm, I'm all for civil, I"m all for respectful. Hell, I'm even all for LOVING.
I'm just not for "nicely." There's nothing "nice" about infidelity, and I think we as betrayed spouses LOSE ground by being artificially "nice" to our filandering spouses.
