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A Message from Michele
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Re: FLTC: FROM IRAQ [Re: FLTC] #1365381
02/23/08 04:06 AM
02/23/08 04:06 AM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,292
Alaska
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Glenda_aka_kc Offline
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FLTC, if you end up receiving a divorce you don't want -- do only what you can emotionally do. Your kids will still love you. My XH and I were married 25 years -- he decided he didn't want to be married. He told our kids, "Nothing will change except mom and I won't be married." A little MLC, brand new red truck, and I don't know what. People told me, well you might as well be okay with him, you have children and grandchildren. You will have to interact with him and be nice at functions for them. Guess what? I lived my life doing what was for the good of everyone and now I live my life working as many jobs as I can to make ends meet. I don't see him and I don't speak to him. I don't think there was anything in our marriage that was so horrible -- yet he chose to leave.

I miss our family. I can only believe God must have something he wants from me as he placed a guardian angel in my life. She and I had known each other for a long time on a very casual basis, but she was the person who pulled me out of my abyss. I had my Colt loaded, round chambered, and finger on the trigger when she unexpectedly walked through the front door of the house my family spent their whole lives in. The task of being the LBS left to sort through all our memories ... I still struggle about 50% of the time but I will not waste my time being "nice" to my XH so he can feel okay about his choice.

I can certainly have empathy for your thoughts of being alone when you have shared your life and future with someone for so long. The consolation is I only have myself to congratulate or blame for my successes or failures.

You sound like a very grounded person. I wish you all the best in whatever your future may hold. I would advise you to do what you can emotionally do and not worry about what anyone thinks you should do.




Re: FLTC: FROM IRAQ [Re: FLTC] #1365385
02/23/08 04:16 AM
02/23/08 04:16 AM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,786
SC
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HappyToday Offline
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FLTC,

I'm going to tell you what a fine young man told me tonight about his parents' D. His mom took off Christmas week. He despises her for that and is so very worried about his dad.

But he spent the night at my house last night because he doesn't know how to deal with his dad. Hid dad is angry - that is something he deserves to be - I know - but his child doesn't want to deal with that anger. He doesn't know what to do. This is a 19 YO, so he can go where he wants to, but if his dad would just chill, he'd have one of the most important things that ever happened to him right there with him. We're allowed to be angry. But our kids want us to remain their parent. They need that from us.

We're conflicted when faced with these demons. The kids are, but if they can't get past our pain, they can't get on to theirs.

Bottom line. We have to leave them out of it even if our STBX's have a tendency to draw them into it. Mine tried. Once he realized that was not a place I would go, he quit. Funny how that worked.

Of course, I was with my boys when all this happened. I could hug them and help them with homework. You'll be there soon enough.

It seems to me that you're trying this tactic. Keep it up.

Re: FLTC: FROM IRAQ [Re: HappyToday] #1365395
02/23/08 04:25 AM
02/23/08 04:25 AM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,741
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pat44 Offline
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Hi HT:

Quote:
The kids are, but if they can't get past our pain, they can't get on to theirs.


Your kids are very lucky to have you for a parent. There are so many parents that don't get this very simple concept. My siblings and I were well into our 30's before our parents finally got that we didn't want to hear about their pain anymore - we needed them to hear about what we went through and the issues we faced as a result of their D.

take care,
AG

Re: FLTC: FROM IRAQ [Re: pat44] #1365585
02/23/08 02:01 PM
02/23/08 02:01 PM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,786
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HappyToday Offline
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Thanks AG, I appreciate that.

Sometimes mine would agree and others they would not. But in the end I know that they know how much I love them and that's all that's important. I can't be too bad or I wouldn't have so many boys at my house all the time. For anyone out there with teens thinking of moving: Buy a house with a finished room over garage. They love hanging out there and I don't have to see the mess they make!

I woke up this morning and found that Austin stayed here last night. The boys stayed at their dad's. Austin's in town bcause his Grandmother had a stroke. The baseball team has an away weekend and they allowed him to come home for his grandmother. I'm going to try to talk him into going and spending the day with his dad. I'm going to ask him to do me a favor and tell his dad that he's 1) worried about him and 2) that he loves him.

Maybe that will break him out if his fog. His dad should be saying that to him but his STBX and D sit has him brainless for the moment.

Austin's allowed me to see this thing from an entirely different perspective. Although I knew before what was important, I never truly knew the older child's perspective of a D until now. Our kids don't want to talk to us about their other parent or us for that matter. I get snippets from Austin. It worries me that he can't sleep. He looks thin and he can't afford to be much skinnier. He's not a big person, one of those wiry little infielders. Jake and I are going to drive up to the mountains in March to watch Austin's team play. His mom or dad should be doing that but they have other things on their minds at the moment. Geez, how lucky they are to have a child with a full-ride baseball scholarship.

Divorce sucks guys. But we can either make it easier for the kids of D or harder. We're gonna hurt either way, and so are the kids. But it can be so much better if we can make an effort to keep the kids out of the fray. The choice is ours.

That's where GAL'ing and acting as if come in.

Re: FLTC: FROM IRAQ [Re: HappyToday] #1365843
02/23/08 07:37 PM
02/23/08 07:37 PM
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 6,901
MICHIGAN
qoe100 Offline
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Happy,
I'm so glad that you're there for Austin. Could be that you're the only one that he can talk to at the moment. Sometimes people have no idea how fragile teenagers are, but you get it!!! It's hard enough going to college, let alone playing a demanding sport at the same time. He's awesome, IMHO!!!

Big pat on the back to you and hugs to Austin. I feel just awful for him!!!

Re: FLTC: FROM IRAQ [Re: qoe100] #1365987
02/23/08 11:27 PM
02/23/08 11:27 PM
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 2,733
FRIEND Offline
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FRIEND  Offline
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HT,

What you say is so true. It really took me awhile to fully understand what my girls were going through. Wish I would of realized it sooner. I was so devestated and lost myself that it took awhile and that's my only regret now. No one wins in Divorce, seems so unfair to everyone. But they seem to be so much better now, I'm sure they're not without they're scares but hopefully not to bad.

It's a wonderful thing your doing for Austin, your advice to him is wonderful too.

Re: FLTC: FROM IRAQ [Re: FRIEND] #1366295
02/24/08 01:31 PM
02/24/08 01:31 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,196
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FLTC Offline OP
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FLTC  Offline OP
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Glenda,

I feel your sadness. I really don't know what's "out there" for the WAS that's any better than keeping a family together. I guess my W. must have felt unloved, uncherished, unfulfilled, and must have been as she described "misearbel" She must have been filled with deep pain, I guess. I don't know why you would walk away from a family. Every response here clearly says it: No One Wins in Divorce.

D17 just got here first college accpetance today. Anoher reason I just shake my head, and ask again and again, "What could be that un-fixable"? No abuse, no subsatnce abuse, no infidelity, no weird proclivites, great income, great kids. I guess once that switch is turned off, it sometimes can't ever be turned on again.

Re: FLTC: FROM IRAQ [Re: FLTC] #1366354
02/24/08 03:58 PM
02/24/08 03:58 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,741
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pat44 Offline
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Hey FLTC:

Quote:
D17 just got here first college accpetance today.


Congratulations! That is really great! You must be so proud of her!

Quote:
I guess my W. must have felt unloved, uncherished, unfulfilled, and must have been as she described "misearbel" She must have been filled with deep pain, I guess.


You are right. W felt all those things - her feelings are real and valid from her perspective. Any discussion with her needs to be premised on her feelings being real. Her feelings are what create the perspective, the lens, through which she views the world and her M.

That being said, different individuals have different thresholds for what makes them feel pain, unhappiness, unloved etc. And the other variable - some people are better able to figure out why they are feeling that way and how to feel better - for example asking for what they want.

And others, just feel the pain, and cannot even begin to figure out why - and so do not know how to begin to feel better. These people are like individuals that are drowning - they are just wildly thrashing around trying to keep from drowning - and sometimes they take anyone that tries to reach them down with them. Perhaps W falls into this category. Her thrashing (breaking up the family) - is not rationally thought out - it is just a reaction to her unhappiness. They are randomly trying to find quick fixes - much like drug addict needing a high to feel good.

take care,
AG

Re: FLTC: FROM IRAQ [Re: pat44] #1366371
02/24/08 04:30 PM
02/24/08 04:30 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,196
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FLTC Offline OP
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Thanks, AG. You're right. it is the perception of the WAS that really is important, although I have yet to have any one of her family and friends say anything other than they really can't figure it out.

Now comes the fun part. Talking or trying to talk to W. about how to pay for D17's college, while at the same time, decimating all finances through a divorce. It makes NO sense! I'm looking at scholarships, but we probably make too much to be considered. doesn't stop me from looking and applying, however.

Re: FLTC: FROM IRAQ [Re: FLTC] #1366378
02/24/08 04:40 PM
02/24/08 04:40 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,741
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pat44 Offline
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Hey FLTC:

Quote:
although I have yet to have any one of her family and friends say anything other than they really can't figure it out.


W's perspective isn't necessarily rational. It is just real to her.

Quote:
Talking or trying to talk to W. about how to pay for D17's college, while at the same time, decimating all finances through a divorce. It makes NO sense! I'm looking at scholarships, but we probably make too much to be considered. doesn't stop me from looking and applying, however.


I would suggest starting with the total assets, income, etc. then I would deduct D17's college expenses PRIOR to the division of assets and determining alimony. I would also include provisions for setting aside college money for your other children - where this money is considered outside of the division and alimoney. Perhaps deducting a percentage of your and W's salary to put into a college fund in your children's name - held in trust and specified as being used for education only. That way children cannot take the money and spend it all on whatever they want.

There is the law. Then there is settlement. As long as the children are taken care of - it is highly unlikely a judge will overturn a settlement crafted along the lines I have suggested above. They have full dockets and are overworked - judges LOVE FAIR settlements that they can just sign off on.

Work on the numbers. And constructively present your financial proposal to W. No emotional sentences - no blaming - purely businesslike approach. If you present it properly - while W is angry with you - she probably cannot handle the people she knows knowing that her D resulted in costing her children their education.

take care,
AG




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