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Sage,

Maybe it is time for you to take a bit of R&R alone. Find a cheap last-minute trip and take off with a friend. TRUST your H to be ok with DD and all else. Let yourself be a priority.

In the meantime, send him a dirty message on his cell phone and buy some new sex toys. (And make use of them, one way or another.)


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Sage, just wanted you to know that I feel a lot of the things you feel and I was hit w/ the D bomb as well (blindsided, just like you) and swore I would NEVER FORGET!! I had it come up on my calendar EVERY DAY just so I would NEVER FORGET, but I've slid right back into the person I was pre-bomb and I hate it, but can't seem to DO anything about it. But, now that I've written that "I can't seem to do anything about it," maybe it's that I don't want to or I don't have the desire to put in the "effort" I learned through this site has to be put into an M for it to continue to work & be good.

I'm rambling, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in your feelings.

It wasn't easy "back then" and it isn't going to be easy now, but we have to somehow get to the happy place in our minds that we decide to do the work b/c we know that the results are so sweet.


Me: 38
H: 35
S4, S5, S10
Bomb 01/07
Wanted D - nothing would change his mind
Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb
Piecing 04/07
Deployed for a year 05/07
Still Piecing 2010
M 11 yrs 05/10
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Sage,

Maybe your anger is there for a reason.

A relationship is a partnership. You can't be the only one willing to do the work, however amazing and strong and dedicated it's obvious that you are.

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So is the whole rushing in to solve problems a woman thing? Because I know I used to do it and work on it every day in other places besides my M, and I was just on WCW's thread smiling because she was saying the same thing.

I also have a hard time asking for help, and I'm a big WOA person in terms of my love language. I seem to recall that you are as well? These things are all connected somehow. It sounds like that's where you're focusing your work right now, and I htink that's perfect. I also think that getting away and focusing on yourself in a NONCRITICAL way is a fantastic idea. Celebrate yourself, Sage. Then refocus on the M.

If you want to come out to western WA, let me know!

Be well, friend. Cut yourself some slack for a bit.


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Hi all,

Feeling a bit better, a bit more productive. In the past week+ I have tried very hard to work on my attitude. Much of it has been acting "as if" truth be told but some of it has been trying to be grateful, to treat my life with gratitude instead of pessimism. It was working in kind of a miraculous way for a bit, even h seemed more relaxed and open, and then I started compressing again a bit...oh, well, two steps forward, one step back.

Oldtimer, yes, I could certainly use some time ALONE and honestly I have no qualms about leaving dd with h. It took a while but he is truly as comfortable with her as I am and in some ways, more effective with her (and in other ways, less so). The thought of sex toys and actually using them makes me half laugh, half cry. See earlier post on anger ...

RedHeadWife, I have NO IDEA how I got from DB'ing like it was second nature to feeling almost unable to do it, comprehend it, want it, at all. I guess it's kind of like a diet for me...when I'm good and "on" I'm really doing great but when I fall off the wagon, LOOK OUT! I did feel as though I flexed some DB muscles last week and felt REALLY good about it but need to figure out how to do it as a rule.

Whitelight, to be perfectly honest, to pretty much anyone looking INTO my m, they would see my anger as 95% justified...and that was true pre-bomb as well. But, you know what? My anger is getting me NO WHERE and if anything, it's getting me further from my goals. No matter what, my anger isnt serving my purpose...no matter how "right" it may be.

amd, you always make me feel so good and taken care of. Don't tempt me on a road trip! I'll be on your doorstep before you know it! :-)

So, where am I? Still stuck in a couple of key areas. MONEY....household responsibility (not so much caring for dd but just pulling ones weight)...a sense of caring/concern for our future. I'm trying to be better at knowing the difference between letting stuff go (because it needs to be) and speaking up. Not particularly good at either one :-) Looking forward to a long weekend -- hope to get some sleep, relax, get a massage, spend some QT w/h and dd.

Back soon. Sage


Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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"Oldtimer, yes, I could certainly use some time ALONE and honestly I have no qualms about leaving dd with h."

OK, so why hasn't that happened yet?


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Hey Sage and OT! Long time no see! I haven't been here in 2 years and for a specific but totally unrelated reason, I thought I would check to see if there were still any old pals here. I read up on your posts and then it just nailed why I was urged to check up.

Whitelight has a point, Sweetie. (OT's observations are a given...) Oddly enough, we're visiting the anger issue in my house and it's brought up a slew of very uncomfortable issues and observations. It's my D15 (who will be 16 a month from tomorrow... yikes!) who is having trouble with this very issue.

Sage, here's what we've discussed. Maybe you'll find something here you can use? Anger is there to tell you that there is a disconnect between what you say and do and how you feel. It is also a call to change to get everything reconnected again.

Are you angry because you're here again? Because it seems like it is almost always YOU who has to clean up messes that aren't always yours? Because you are going through the motions for the betterment of others when it is clearly NOT good for you?

I had to outright call my D15 emotionally dishonest. She won't let on to anyone that she's acting in a fashion that pleases them but she feels isn't the best path for her. So pretty much everyone constantly asks her if she's angry with them. She glosses over, hems and haws and basically spews an untruth so she doesn't hurt feelings. This was a reality check for her and she very much disliked hearing that label of being emotionally dishonest.

Let's talk about the elephant in the living room, shall we? You're basically afraid of what he might say or do if you open up and say what you're feeling... right? What if you stopped taking your story to a conclusion you fear and just tackle the issue of living a disingenuous life by calmly having a discussion with him about the issues? I do not mean the blame game, but one where you just let him know how you're feeling about the items on your gripe list. Hint: start by owning the feeling and just put it out there. Something just tells me that if you are honest with him, just maybe some of this anger will dissipate and you will be a whole lot more open to scheduling in-house dates and having an affair with your H.

One other thing. It is NOT unrealistic for you to have expectations of help in your household. Even if you stay home now, you should not be expected to be the emotional thermostat in your marriage. Having children is no easy task, and that's why God gave kids 2 parents. But you truly need to work on communication with him, or you're not going to get very far except the ability to play the martyr. When you're doing it all to please everyone else (and I will clearly omit Charlotte here because she is a toddler), then it's time to step up to the plate, swing that bat and ask for help.

Look at it this way, if you were divorced, the court would ORDER him to carry his share of the load. Why should you accept less than that when you're not?

Big hugs to you, sweet lady. You deserve happiness, Sage. You owe it to yourself to prioritize YOUR feelings and let him know that all is not well in your world without having to resort to passive-aggressive and non-communicative behaviors that will get you absolutely nowhere.

For the record, my D15 is listening to that audio CD set I recommended some years back (Transcending Your Anger by Fr. Tom Allender). She's feeling overwhelmed with the material presented; my job is to help her as she sorts out all the information so she can turn it into action. It's messy, but she has to do the work. The best thing you can do for Charlotte is to teach her how to do it. Grab that bat and get going!

Take care and hope that spring comes soon for you! Happy new year to all of you--

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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Hi Betsey (and OT, and amd, and whitelight, and redheaded wife!),

I appreciate so much you taking the time to write to me. I was shocked when I logged back in just now and saw that it was nearly 2 months since I had last written. I just spent a 4 day weekend at home...1/2 of it quite nice, some good time with Charlotte, good times with h, too, and the other half not so nice as once again I found myself doing too much, trying hard (really! truly!) to ask for help, but then ending up angry and po'd. Then, the drive to work this AM...back to the thoughts of "not having an affair with h", feeling guilty for letting things get to me, etc. I know, know, know the right steps to take to break this cycle...the combo of DB'ing and Men are from Mars, and "love is letting go of fear", and meditation but I swear, my brain doesn't even seem to be wired in a DB way anymore. Well, that's not actually true. All of the goal setting and tracking and working hard capability is THERE but it feels like I can't stay focused for long enough to see changes.

OT, you asked why no time away for me -- it's primarily $. If nothing else, in a few months I am going away for 5 days for work which both makes me very sad (and worried! I hate flying!) but also does spell at least a few days of catching up on books and sleep and being with my own self. Yes, it will be work, but not that overwhelming in content.

Betsey, as always, I value your input so much! I caught my husband checking my face this AM as I walked into a room -- no doubt to see if I was angry at something (I wasn't) and I was chagrined and sad by that. I honestly feel as though I have tried to talk to him about what is going on, the help I need, etc. and he either isn't getting or says he gets it and will help but doesn't.

Is my anger there for a reason as Whitelight suggested? Well, sure, no doubt some of it is, and some of it isn't. And yes, it does feel like a dramatic disconnect at times...to not be able to ask honestly for what I want..or to choose not to (more honestly) because 50% of the time I don't get it (and get somewhat tweaked by him about it) and then some portion of the time he agrees but doesn't follow through.

but the rest of the truth is that he does help a lot, does do quite a bit at times, and maybe I'm just not paying enough attention to it. Or maybe it's just that I want it MY way. Or, hell, I don't know.

I do know that once again this AM I realized that I need to change things up...need to fix things, at least in myself, or I will lose what I have. And be unhappy in the process.

I'm going to start listening to Keeping Love Alive. I think that will help.

In the meantime....I see h watching me for signs of anger. I am going to use that to get this under control...to ask more directly for what I need instead of stewing...and to shed the things that don't matter.


Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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(((sage)))

Hang in there, sister. Feel free to road trip your way out here!


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try email...


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