WAW....now the LBS

[sgctxok]

PH--he just stayed mean and very bitter. If at ANY point after he left, if he had been kind and decent, to me and the kids, ... at least while my kids were growing up, I would have considered it seriously, because I so believe in marriage and my vows.

13 years later, he's still bitter. He remarried for 2 years, they divorced...she never met my kids, she was 20 years younger, he says she cheated on him, but he says that about me, and that isn't true.

I think it is a somewhat unique situation, although a girl I work with is going through pretty much the same thing. (Although, where in my company work, which is in corporate America, oddly enough, there are good marriages all around me).




The thing that I have seen and experience have the most success, and I certainly am not an expert, just talking about my life and the board....is REAL GIVING. (Do a search on this site and look in DR). It certainly made a difference in my life.

Now did I try real giving with my exH? A little. It made things worse. It made him jealous. I may not have gotten it right. I didn't DB ... I had never heard of it then (1994).

But I have since then, and it really makes a huge difference. AND I get it in return.

[plentyhope]

sg, I am confused. Your previous post said you were a WAW. So, even though he was the abuser, you thought that your DBing could have helped save your M as long as he also responded to your DBing? If this is what you meant, we are thinking alike. This is what my thinking has been from Day 1 of DBing, 18.5 months ago (i.e. 2 weeks after he moved out). He moved out 2 weeks after a VERY angry outburst, which was the 5th in 2 years of our 3.5 M (then) We are now married 5 years. The first 2 weeks, he kept talking D and behaved as if we were D. After the 2 weeks (after DBing started), no mention of D ever.

I too believe in Real Giving, which I didn't understand prior to reading DR.

But I have since then, and it really makes a huge difference. AND I get it in return.

Do you get real giving in return, automatically in response to YOUR real giving? Did your real giving cause the receiver to ask why the difference and the motivation to find out about real giving before they practised it?

[HOPEFULinCALI]

So my husband has agreed to the Intensive with Michelle. My stomach is turning and my head is spinning. He is so convinced that the D is what he wants that I am not sure that anyone can get through to him, but I am confident that if anyone can it is Michelle. I am also asking myself if he is ready for this. Then again I think that time will only solidify his decision to get a D.

I am very nervous that this will not work and on the other hand excited that he has agreed to an opportunity that may save our marriage.

[sgctxok]

Oh...I'm so excited for you. You are right. Wait til you meet Michele in person. There is no way it will solidify his decision to D. I will be praying for you....but this truly is amazing.



In my situation...

If he would have just been decent at all I would have kept stayed. After I had learned about DB, there would have been things I could have done to make the situation much better. I was pretty classic. I shut up, started working on myself, I wasn't consciously preparing to leave, if I had, I would have saved money.

But I did start exercising, losing weight, started a direct selling business, got my confidence up, decided to go back to school (hadn't made actual plans). I thought it would make him happier. He got meaner.


It took being with someone who wasn't like that for me to see the actions of MINE that weren't 'working'. When we broke up, I fell apart, and found Michele. YEAH. Peace of mind.

I'm not the most perfect DBer. I am the most grateful for DB.


I have so much hope for you!

[plentyhope]

Hopeful, I am so excited for you that your H agreed to go with you to the intensive session with Michele. I had considered it but didn't have to money to spend on it and wasn't confident about my H agreeing to go. How did you manage to get him to go? How did you even bring it up to him?

Good luck for the session. When will it occur?

[plentyhope]

sg,

But I did start exercising, losing weight, started a direct selling business, got my confidence up, decided to go back to school (hadn't made actual plans). I thought it would make him happier. He got meaner.

You would have stayed even though he was being abusive?

I have so much hope for you!

Not sure if this was meant for me or for Hopeful. If it was for me, why do you say you have so much hope for me? Sometimes, I still wonder about having the intensive session with Michele, but it is beyond my budget at the moment. I am not sure if bringing up a MC session would push my H further away or bring him closer to me. Another thing to pray about.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

sg,

Thank you so much. I am so anxious and scared.

About your sitch. That is what I love about DBing. It helps us to find ourselves again and hopefully in the process restore our marriages, but if not we are a stronger person for it.

ph,

I was lucky enough to catch Michelle on the phone when I called to get more information. I am waiting for them to contact me as to Michelle's availability but I am hoping for this week or weekend. His family is coming into town on Sunday through the end of the month so I will have to wait another month if it isn't soon.

I told him that I understood that he didn't want to be married and I wasn't interested in marriage counseling, but I needed this to help me come to terms with our sitch. I asked as a favor to me. Of course he asked why I couldn't do it in our hometown and how I was so sure that she would help me in one day. My response was that I didn't want to spend weeks, months or longer with a therapist when Michelle could set me in the right direction in one day. Furthermore, I explained that she had an excellent reputation.

[brantacan]

HIC,

did Michele encourage you to attend w/your H? I to am facing a similar dilema. It seems to almost contradict DB principles to ask the WAS to go to an intensive, but I personally feel that if we could get there we may be able to turn the corner.

I asked my W to consider w/ a similar talk last week and she said she'd think about it, but I'm ceratinly not going to pressure her. I will be anxious to hear feedback once you've attended. I wish you the best

I gave you, Saus and Brian a thank you in the "To all potential WAWs...Don't go" thread. My sitch is kind of explained there.

[SDFoundGirl]

Hopeful...

I was the LBS, and I've often considered becoming the WAS after DBing and reconciling. My H didn't actually leave the house, but we lived in separate bedrooms and had very separate lives for about 6 months.

I don't know if you're interested in my perspective, but I'm offering it anyway. Of course my sitch is my sitch, but maybe it applies to yours? I don't know.

Anyway, DBing saved my life. My H dropping the bomb woke me up. The combination of the two events helped me see what I needed to work on, but they also opened my eyes. Wide.

A lot of my trouble...my resentment...has been how now that H has gotten everything he wanted from me, he's not seeming willing to work as hard...or much at all...on giving me what I want and need from a partner. Like I said, these things woke me up to the crappy life I was living and what I didn't have in a spouse.

We've been in MC for two years now, and while we communicate really well these days, I see that my H's attention is pretty much where it always has been...work, his projects, etc. I find myself often wondering, "But what about me? What about what I want?" I've expressed it...asked for it...and I'm not seeing a sincere effort from him like I'd like.

So I think about leaving sometimes, now that I know what I deserve and want and need in a partner. I wonder if I'm doomed to a life with a man who had the nerve to demand something different from me, but then couldn't man up and do the same for me.

Your H had a lot of time to think and contemplate while you were gone, so I'm wondering what he's discovered...what he truly wants. I know you WAS's have your own pain you go through, but the LBS has their own brand of hell to deal with. When the WAS recommits, we feel relief and a sense of, "Okay, now we can work on building something great!" But when the WAS is just content now that their needs are being met or just doesn't have the perspective we have (especially w/DBing)...well, it's grating.

I really wish you well. Honestly, I think both of you having the perspective of the other gives you a lot of hope for building a strong, solid marriage at the end of all of this.

Good luck,

SD

[saus16]

Brant,

I disagree, or should I say agree that as a WAS, I wish I had known more about the DB stuff!!!! My H mentioned it to maybe once or twice, after I first left. But he really didn't get my attention. I truly feel that if he had been more persuasive, I would have listened. He gave me the "5 languages of Love" and I read it in one day soon after I left. I suppose he too, felt that giving away the DB secrets to me would leave him at a disadvantage. I think that attending DB intensive with the LBS and WAW would be an excellent idea. If anything, ask her to attend for your sanity rather than a reconciliation. In other words, trick her, I wish my H had!!!
DB has changed my life and my perspective on marriage, I only hope that with time I can rebuild my m, you are fortunate to be able to attend counseling so close to home, unfortunately we don't have anything way over here on the East coast..
Take care and best of luck to you!!