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Uncertainty, I know it sounds bad, but my H had told me he wants a divorce and about the OW, but basically said he would live in our 100 year old house to fix it up and work on it over the next few months and then sell it and use the money to help finance the divorce. I was hoping to use the next few months to work on the R and myself, and have pretty much transformed myself more into who I was when we first met, a happy, although more mature person, and working on being more independent and stronger (know I need to work on those!).

I am going to talk to my counselor to confirm with her, but am thinking that if he does another out-of-town weekend with OW, I will ask him to move out at this point. I definitely promise I won't do his laundry for him!Karen43


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Originally Posted By: karen43
... I was hoping to use the next few months to work on the R and myself ...

Yes, that is really good. Continue to work on yourself.

However, and there's probably some debate on this subject, how is it possible to work on your M when there is a third person involved? Sorry to sound negative, but IMO, I can't see it happening when H is getting to have his cake and eat it, too.

If he's determined to continue with his A, then he needs to get the he** out. He needs to see and feel what it's really going to be like without his W and children there by his side every night. He needs a rude awakening from la-la-land.

Yeah, I'm still mad. I need a drink!


Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
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Hey Karen43, glad you got through this weekend. You mentioned you thought it might be rude to walk past your H while he was texting OW on the porch? Um, its rude for HIM to be having an A in front of your face. Once H's cell phone rang in front of me. I picked it up, looked at Caller ID, saw it was OW, answered it, and hung it up. I handed the phone to H and walked away. No need to worry about rude. And I agree with choc, you need to be focusing on the truth darts, the things that your H is doing to hurt the people around him.

Oh and you mentioned hoping the A will end and H will come back to you. My H ended his A all on his own, and he still wants a D. Just want you to focus on you, pretend like the D will happen, get yourself strong for you and the kids, then you'll be ready for anything. You are a strong confident woman and mother, let that be your start off point.

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karen43 Offline OP
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Uncertainty, I think there is a lot of debate about that on these boards. I think if my H continues to be hurtful about his A, like the out of town trips, which I also think are probably not great for the kids to witness either, then H definitely is going to have to choose between the out-of-town trips and moving out, the next time he wants to do that. That's what I'm thinking at this point and I'm going to confirm with my C on Thursday and I think she will back me up on that or something even firmer (cause I get the feeling she feels about like you about H).

LWB, you are so right about the whole rude point! H has been rude to me for months now, kind of silly for me to worry about that! Btw, I had darted H with the truth dart about letting my D8 down, and then H seemed like he was avoiding me again when I came home last night. H was in the house but went to bed right away when I got home and barely spoke to me. I guess he didn't like me pointing that out to him. I just gave him a brief friendly greeting the one minute before he went to bed, happy as I usually am lately, and gave him a quick update on my night, and ignored his little pouty personality.

You are right that I should just pretend the D will happen. I will try to do that. Karen43


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Last edited by chocolateeyes; 02/12/08 05:14 PM.
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I understand the concept, and to clarify, I wasn't trying to tell Karen how to handle her own sitch. I was stating my opinion, and I don't agree with letting the WAS remain in the house while continuing his/her A. It seems like her H is just running all over her, throwing her a crumb here and there, with absolutely no regard for her feelings. My H would do the same thing, and it's taken me a long time to wake up and smell the coffee.

Last edited by Uncertainty; 02/12/08 07:39 PM.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
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Had my rehearsal last night and we read through the play: I have my regular role and 6 other crowd scenes and the chorus which has to sing and dance I just found out--some of the rehearsals will be 3 hour dance rehearsals! I will have 7 costumes-including fireman-policeman, moondancer, I wiggle my butt in another party scene! etc. crazy stuff! But I'm having a blast GALing so far!

Came home last night and everyone was asleep. I realized my H has not worked on the house or his porch (only half finished) last weekend of course since he was out of town, but also since he has gotten back Monday and Tuesday. The plans were he was supposed to work on the house and then we were going to separate and divorce. So that seems weird. H woke me up this morning to chat about changes at his job. I noticed last night when he got a box of Girl Scout cookies (as a prize at a race he ran Sat.) he picked out the kind I liked rather than he liked. I guess that could have been guilt of course.

But I still think he does weird things for someone who is going to be divorcing me in a few months??? Maybe he is trying to drive me crazy or something? Because just as I give up all hope on the R, as I did this weekend, he does stuff like the above, and then I start thinking maybe it's not hopeless, you know? But I am trying to follow lwb's advice and pretend the divorce will happen at this point. Karen43


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Karen, so glad to hear you are having a great time with the plays!

Though it may feel like it, I really don't think your H is doing anything to deliberately drive you crazy. I'm sure he still cares, quite a bit, for you.

There is always hope. Nothing is ever hopeless, even when it really feels like it.

Continue with GAL and focus on yourself. When H does something nice, show him your appreciation and thank him without going overboard. Just follow his lead but don't tail him, kwim?

And don't worry about him not working on the changes/repairs to the house. Could be a good thing, maybe.

You're doing great. Keep it up.

Last edited by Uncertainty; 02/13/08 06:20 PM.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
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Okay, I don't know what is going on but H's behavior is very weird! It's like he has a split personality: how could he go off with OW this weekend and then act like he does this week? He woke me up Tues. morning to chat about his job (don't remember him doing this for a long time if ever), and today he woke me up and had bought me a bagel for breakfast (again never? usually just does this for the kids). Last night we watched the 3rd Matrix movie, talked a little, laughed and every couple minutes would look at each other and smile (he was doing this also). Does this sound like someone that is going to be divorcing you in a few months? I am so confused? WTH is going on in our R? Is he just happy he is divorcing me or I am going along with the affair? Does he have feelings for me and he doesn't even realize?

Talking to the C today, mostly about my childhood, and some bad stuff that happened there that probably led to the co-dependent stuff today, did talk about the horrible laundry stuff and how awful that was, and how I will NEVER do that again! We never got to the what to do if he goes out of town again, will have to discuss that next week. Lots of tears at today's C session, glad to have that over with but I guess it's good to discuss stuff like that and get it out in the open which I've never done before.

My C thinks H's affair will not last, because they usually don't and the whole cleaning up the car for hours thing pretending to be neat(btw it is only 6 months old or it probably would have taken him even longer!). I also think H thinks women like me are growing on trees or something: attractive, smart, funny, and really tolerant women who want to clean up after him and take care of him and love him no matter what and I have a feeling he will be a little surprised about that (and my C agreed with me)! Karen43


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