Status 2 - W friendlier but still very distant

[fb2]

Previous thread locked, here is the link to it:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1335563

In a nutshell. Exactly a year since D was filed. W has turned from extremely hostile to somewhat friendly. She calls to chat and has attended coffee shop meetings initiated by me. Legal/financial side of D is in limbo as W has been unreasonable so far. Have been DBing 2-3 months. Need to discern where to go from here. Any help would be appreciated. thank you.

In a nutshell. Exactly a year since D was filed. W has turned from extremely hostile to somewhat friendly. She calls to chat and has attended coffee shop meetings initiated by me. Legal/financial side of D is in limbo as W has been unreasonable so far. Have been DBing 2-3 months. Need to discern where to go from here. Any help would be appreciated. thank you.

What are you goals? What have you been doing for yourself recently?

As DB says, if doing what you're doing doesn't get you anywhere, try something different.

[not an ex yet]

Hi fb2,
I just read quickly through your sitch and I am right there with you. It sounds like you are making progress and W does not seem to be too anxious to get D over with.
My H is still in the extremely hostile stage and it has been 8 months since we separated. Don't know what to do with that, although I do still let him push my buttons and react more than I should.
Anyway, it seems to me that if a D is really what they wanted, they would just want to get it done. I would like to think that it means that they are unsure. My H still says that he is sure a D is what he wants but he has not done anything (that I am aware of) to get the ball rolling. Says he is too busy.

So is OM still in the picture, or do you know? Do your children know that a D has been filed and that it is a possibility? I was just wondering b/c my kids are having a hard time with all this.

I don't have alot of advice for you, I just wanted you to know I am here and will throw in my 2 cents when I can.

[not an ex yet]

Oh, I forgot...
I also wanted to say I agree with Lanzo and the others that say you should go out and make W feel you are moving on. I really should take my own advice!
I know it is hard with kids, but at least let her think you are getting out. Dress up when you drop off the kids one evening and "act as if" you have somewhere to be...even if it is the library! Might just make her wonder.

[fb2]

Hi Naey, Thanks for stopping by; it sometimes gets very lonely here. I will catch up with your sitch later. But meanwhile ...

My H is still in the extremely hostile stage and it has been 8 months since we separated. Don't know what to do with that, although I do still let him push my buttons and react more than I should.

I found it hard to get over this hump because she used to jam hard and the hurt caused me to react but if you try it once you gain momentum and it gets much easier.

So is OM still in the picture, or do you know? Do your children know that a D has been filed and that it is a possibility? I was just wondering b/c my kids are having a hard time with all this.

OM does not seem to be actively in the picture of late. Lots of people came to know about OM, including her mom, so I think that shamed her into backing away from him. The kids know about the D I have talked to them about it a lot initially that it wasn't my choice and I will give them all I've got. S7 does not seem to be affected much (he talks of dad's house and mom's house) but D11 is much deeper; she was very hostile to me earlier but is more loving now - I have to continue to show her much love.

[fb2]

What are you goals? What have you been doing for yourself recently?

My last goal was to diffuse W's hostility to the point where we can talk - I'm more or less there now.

Not sure what my next goal(s) should be - here's where I need help. I've been dressing well, working out and meeting friends. But very little time/money for GAL so my goals here would be more moderate.

Consensus is some goals to show W I'm quickly "moving on" as Lan suggested. My lawyer has sent her a flood of stiff letters to no effect. I've just cut her off my auto insurance policy. I'm considering selling more furniture and maybe the house. Any more ideas?

[not an ex yet]

Consensus is some goals to show W I'm quickly "moving on" as Lan suggested. My lawyer has sent her a flood of stiff letters to no effect. I've just cut her off my auto insurance policy. I'm considering selling more furniture and maybe the house. Any more ideas?

That is definitely showing her signs of you "moving on", however I was suggesting a more social approach to moving on. Getting out and having fun vs. cutting her off materially if that makes sense.
I understand the lack of time/money...I think you are doing great if you are meeting friends and working out regularly.

[fb2]

... I was suggesting a more social approach to moving on. Getting out and having fun vs. cutting her off materially if that makes sense.

Naey, Thanks for your valuable feedback and I think I understand what you mean. Dating, dancing and classes are somewhat problematic. I have the kids every other week for the entire week (Fri-.Fri) and so these activities on a regular weekly basis tends to fall apart - I've tried a few and not kept up. Plus it gets expensive.

Maybe this counts somewhat but I try to engage the kids a lot - recently took them to visit my brother in TX, take them shopping, to the movies, rent videos, for ice cream, help with homework, cook for them and visit their school regularly. All this used to be exclusively W's realm and I'm not sure if it helps or hurts my DB cause. And keep in mind the kids have been the primary medium of communication so far. But more recently I've been able to talk to W one on one without her getting at my throat.

I've tried to cut her off materially at least to the extent that I protect my own rights. But many say I should have cut more sooner. Anyway the past is behind me ... I have to look at what can be done NOW.

[SuperDad]

Hi fb2!
I saw your note on Ian's thread and thought I should respond here.

From what I can see, Newcomers it the right place for you. I say this, because I can see that you are still struggling with the basic premises of DBing. Namely, starting with a beginner's mind.

By this I mean that you seem to have skipped right over the hard stuff and just want a resolution...NOW!

While I understand this emotion, you are completely missing the point!

What is the point then??????

Good question, if I don't say so myself. The point is that we all got to this point in our lives because something was missing. For many of us, it was not directly related to our S's, but rather something internal. You now have an opportunity to work on yourself and your R with your kids...to make yourself the best fb2 that you can be...to make yourself happy!

The only way that this is going to happen is if you completely detach from your wife's issues and life and FOCUS ON YOU.

As far as GAL, this does not take money, just a bit of creativity. Not sure where you live, but when the weather is good, going to a local hike/bike trail for jogging/people watching is always good. Strike up conversations with people everywhere. Practice your listening skills (always helpful with your W or with any other love interest in the future!). As far as time, what is more important than living your life? Cut out everything else!

Hope this helps a bit.

Take care, SD

[fb2]

I've been thinking about all the recent feedback I've got (thanks SD) and realize I need to focus on the following areas:
- GAL more just for me not for W or the kids
- Do some 180's or AS-IF's to show W I'm "moving on".
The problem is that I haven't yet come up with specific/practical actions to implement this. There are some good suggestions and I'm still processing it all.