The end of this month will mark 18 months of S. H has finally taken his first baby steps recently by being nicer and by contacting me for no apparent reason. I have no expectations of H coming home. As for hope, seems that each time I give up, someone or something interferes to give my hope a jolt. Seems that it's true what's said about letting go - that's really when the WAS takes notice.
Last weekend, I lost my cool (slightly) when H wanted to drop S5 off early Sunday morning. I couldn't take him because of a commitment at work. H wouldn't let him stay with him, but never gave a reason - obviously he had plans with ogre. He arranged for S5 to go to SIL's to play with cousins. I overreacted to a perfectly acceptable solution and made a fuss over it, knowing S5 would be fine there, but also knowing he would be upset by H not wanting to spend time with him (which he clearly was when I picked him up).
That night, I had to ask H for money to help pay some bills. Maybe the first time I've asked him since S. I sent him an email asking for the money and explaining what it was for. I apologized for overreacting and explained that it's my instinct to protect the boys. Then I gave H an update about them - a first for me. I finished off by wishing him well for the new year.
The next morning, I got a reply right away. It said no problem about the money - that he'd take care of it right away (which he did, and in excess). He commented on my updates about boys - with yet another smiley face. He filled me in on how well business is going and asked for S5's schedule.
5 minutes later, he called me.
He repeated what he said in the email about the money. Then we talked about work - mostly mine. He asked a lot of questions and I answered exactly how I would have when we were still together. We talked for about 10 minutes (compared to our usual talks which last less than a minute and are only kid-related). It was very strange to be talking to him again like no time has passed, yet to be filling him in on my life.
I finally emailed him back with S5's schedule, filled him in some more on the boys and praised him for his hard work/success. I'm not expecting a response.
Saw our doctor today (who I haven't seen since before we S). He's aware of our sitch (H brought ogre to see him ) and was very concerned about how I was doing. According to him, H's R with her won't last. He even offered to do whatever he can do to steer H back home (H goes to him when he has problems, respects him and likes talking to him). I had to add that he should really make sure H gets a blood test done for STDs. He knew exactly what I was talking about but said that H is perfectly healthy (physically).
So that's where I am, 18 months later. I'm going to keep pushing through the next 6 months, keep working on myself, and hopefully have the patience and compassion for H to keep standing.
H responded to my email promptly - for the 2nd time this week. He talked about his work and his goals, and how if he reaches that goal, I can look in to buying over what I'm doing. WTF??? (He sets his goals high, but says they are realistic and attainable.)
Have you ever heard of someone leaving their spouse then offering to give them enough money to BUY over a company (a small one, but still...)?
If he's thinking about doing this for me, what has he offered to ogre?
Most likely, he's still delusional. He still has a lot of debt to pay off. But if the company does as well as he thinks (it is possible), he may have no problem with that.
I know there's not much sense in trying to analyze why he's contacting me now. It seems to me that H still seeks my approval. Or that he wants to let me know just how well he's doing. As well as the issue of his father not giving him enough credit, H has said that I didn't support him enough in his work. I have always been supportive of his abilities, but I am guilty of not praising him for his efforts (H has always been the type to pay someone to do the job for him).
So my problem now is - do I need to respond to his last email? If anything, I would thank him for thinking of me and tell him that I would much rather have a home than a company. But realistically, this isn't gong to happen anytime soon anyways.
I've read that the LBS has to become the OW, but I'm not a big fan of this idea. Maybe it's the thought of being an OW that disgusts me - even though I know I am the W.
Is this an opportunity for me to open the lines of communication? Or do I just let it be? I kind of initiated by updating him on the kids - have I already done my part or should I keep it going?
I'm suffering from major sleep deprivation (because of work) and have zero brain capacity to think about my sitch with H at the moment. I will gladly welcome any thoughts!
Hey sh- Why not respond to the email? Would it hurt to be supportive of him and his goals even if they are delusional? Be friendly and even flirt a little if you can...but have no expectations. Make your H feel safe with you. This could be a step in the right direction. IMO, there is nothing wrong with trying to re-establish a friendship.
I would reply to the email and just say you are happy that he is doing well in his work, that you are proud of him to be able to purchase the company you are working for in the future. I won't tell him you want a home instead of a company. If he wants to buy you the company, so be it. Just agree. Even if he wants to buy you a million dollar phone instead of paying the bills, say yes and thank you. You can always trade it in later :-)
This sounds like there are baby steps moving forward. That's great. I would be careful into not pushing anything, though, even in the area of updating with the kids. Your H may need some space after hearing about the kids and wants a few days just not think about kids issue. May be just a short reply and then stay dark for a few days.
SH I agree with others I would reply( if you can actually talk via phone rather than email) offer thanks and be upbeat happy for him and his goals ask a question about his ideas and just listen validate and support no advice practice listening maybe H is contacting you b/c he is wanting to know where you are in all of this is he testing the waters? I also see it as a good sign if he wants more contact as he hasnt in the past use it as an opportunity to establish friendship and expect nothing more at this moment peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks so much to all of you for your replies. OC, I was laughing out loud while reading yours - I could just hear you saying that...
Before I had time to reply, I saw H unexpectedly yesterday at MIL's (yes, playing computer games again in the middle of a workday). I was in a rush and he was on the phone, so I didn't get to talk to him. Plus, I was too exhausted to say anything, so all we said was Hi to each other.
I took everyone's advice and just emailed him back. I kept it friendly and upbeat as suggested, thanked him for keeping me in mind, commented on his work, and peace, against your advice, I did offer some advice to him, which was to just be himself and he can't go wrong. But I wrote it all in a way that supported him.
At the end, I added how proud I was about S5 and one of his new activities. Overall, it was a short but sincere and friendly email.
I emailed our family doctor the other day after I saw him to thank him for his support. He emailed back and one line brought tears to my eyes:
'The issues are correctly much more than mere testing greener pastures and in my experience, they come off at the end, jaded and in search again...unfulfilled and more broken than before.'
It was so nice to hear that coming from a trained professional (even though he's not a psychiatrist or psychologist). What a relief to have confirmation about all that we read on here. Doesn't mean it'll necessarily happen to all of us and that the outcome will be as we hope, but at least I don't feel like I'm believing in a fairy tale.
(Our doctor treats H's entire family and is aware of the disfunction that exists - he thinks that H's issues are childhood/family related.)
Hi sh- Now that you sent the email have no expectations...just keep your PMA going.
That is nice that you have a doctor that you can communicate with. It is always nice for someone to have an understanding of your situation...it is especially nice when it is someone who knows your H and educated as well.
That is nice that you have a doctor that you can communicate with.
The funny thing is that I have only been to see this doctor maybe 5 times in as many years. He has a great memory though. He knows H's family, so maybe that's why he's so interested in helping. I find that we, as people who still believe in family unity, rather than quick divorces, are a dying breed...
) and was very concerned about how I was doing. According to him, H's R with her won't last. He even offered to do whatever he can do to steer H back home (H goes to him when he has problems, respects him and likes talking to him). I had to add that he should really make sure H gets a blood test done for STDs. He knew exactly what I was talking about but said that H is perfectly healthy (physically).