So my last thread ended with me saying that I was doing great and Trip asking me why. Well why not I guess. I guess I'm doing great because I have myself back. I have me first and foremost. Someone who I had lost touch with a long, long time ago. It scares me sometimes at how removed i was from myself. Not sure if that makes sense or not. But I was not myslef, didn't know where "I" was and heck..not even sure I knew I was missing. The person I've been for the last 7-10 years...was not me. This M turned me into someone I was not. Someone who turns my stomach. He was weak, selfish, stubborn but most of all he was a victim and took no responsiblity for his life or his own actions. ICK! And although it is not all my fault...I had the power within me to not let that happen. I just didn't know how to do it.
BUT...this process, no matter how painful at times, has led me back to myself. I see myself again. I'm aware of who I am and what I'm doing....for the most part anyway. LOL. But I am at least pretty darn aware of my feelings and why I'm feeling them.
On top of that I'm surrounded by wonderful people. Yes...some are female - lol...but they are all bringing something into my life. A lot of them are right here on these boards. Making me realize things within myself. Making me realize what I want in my life and what I can't have in my life. Helping me to set boundaries. Helping me be healthy. Helping me to stand strong. Stay true to my convictions. Making sure that I'm at the top of the list.
I'm blessed for all of this.
Really..the only negative thing I can think of in my life right now is the fact that I don't have a job...but I'm an intelligent and likable person who has a good set of skills to offer. I'll find something. And frankly...I don't need to make a lot right now. My expenses are not that bad. Sure, I'd like to make more than I was...but if push came to shove....I'll make ends meet.
I'm still amazed at my relationship with my kids. God what a difference there is there. I took S5 out to lunch yesterday after he got out from school. We had the best time just chilling and talking. Actually STBX and I were texting back and forth about how much of a great conversationalist he is. I love just listening to him and watching how that little brain of his works. He's amazing.
My D adores me. I mean ADORES me. It's overwhelming at times actually. But she's an incredibly intelligent and strong little girl. I'm just so excited to see where she ends up in her life. It will be somewhere great - no doubt.
My oldest boy is one of the most compassionate and caring people I know. S5 and D7 were fighting over a seat yesterday. S8 just stands up and says here (S5) you can have mine. And he will always do that at a drop of a hat. I know...gotta watch it. But he's caring and loving and i wouldn't trade it for anything.
I simply CAN'T imagine my life without those three little souls!!! They have taught me so much, have loved me unconditionally and quite simply have brought a whole lot of joy to my life. I took them for granted before. Never again. I remember STBX telling me last year that she wished we never had them. And she meant it 100%. I kept throwing out the "but this" or "but that" right??? NOPE. Wished she never had them. That hurt so bad to hear her say. And I know she is now appreciating them too. But my God. sigh.
and great that you are such a good daddy. because your d, whether she know it or not, will measure all men in her life by you.
btw, h told me the same thing, about the kids, and wishing we had never had them. shocking to hear.
keep doin' what you are doing, scott. someday I can't wait to be where you are. but I know it will take work and effort and time...but I'm willing to put it all in. knowing there is a better place ahead really helps.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Thanks my sweet! It is the greatest gift - absolutely. I hope to God my STBX can do the same some day. She deserves it. My kids deserve it. I think she is getting there. She's always been a bit slow with these types of things. But I think she is moving in the right direction.
Peppermint Pattie coming right up! Can I offer you some warm blueberry cake to go with it? And here is your blanket. LOL.
It's 14 degrees here right now! YAY! Can't wait to go stand at the bus stop!
Aaaawwww...thanks M! Shucks! Head down, kicking the dirt. heehee.
Yeah...I know she'll measure all other men based on her R with me. The respect she demans from them will also be based on my R with her. And it makes me scared and sad to think about how our R had been for the first 5 years of her life. I hope to God that the damage is not un-doable. That she can re-learn. Sigh.
Everyone can learn if they want to and when they are ready to.
Excellent post! I am so happy that you are finding your happiness inside once again. And I have no doubt that you will find a great job here real soon.
Great post Scott! You are so much more confident with yourself now! Love it, love it love it!!!
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
I guess I'm doing great because I have myself back. I have me first and foremost.
Now that's what I'm talking about! It takes us so long to figure out what's missing and the answer was right there all of the time. I guess when we let our emotions rule us, feeling sorry for ourselves or feeling like less because of our situation gets in the way.
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Someone who I had lost touch with a long, long time ago. It scares me sometimes at how removed i was from myself. Not sure if that makes sense or not. On top of that I'm surrounded by wonderful people.
To me this had been such a big Blessing. Having this great support was something that I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams. The other part of this is the friends that come back into our lives. To me this was so amazing. Especially because these are the people who knew us when, warts and all, yet they are there to put us back up on a pedestal and remind us that we have always been more than worth it.
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I'm blessed for all of this.
This is another benefit. We understand this now, unlike before, when we constantly let life get in the way!
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I'm still amazed at my relationship with my kids. God what a difference there is there.
This I totally understand. I'm sure that your kids have always adored you. I'm sure the way the kids look at you is no different then they always have, after all you are DAD. Fact is, kids will love their parents inspite of almost anything. We are the ones who have this realization. The lesson for us is that when you lose an important relationship all of the other important relationships in our lives become that much more precious. I doubt that there are many here who wouldn't feel that this has brought them even closer to their kids. Again, it's so sad that as adults we lose focus of this. Too bad it takes something like this to understand what it's really all about.
