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#1311589 12/30/07 04:23 PM
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Just my bookmark:

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Jeff 52, former W 44, son 10, daughter 6.
Married 12 years, together 15.
Bomb: Feb 2006
I moved out (to give her space): May 2006
She wants a D: June 2006
Filed for D: Sept 2006
D final: Jan 2008

No recap.

Happy New Year. I so hope this one is better. But I said that last year too.

My last thread locked but I thought I would open one here until the divorce is final next month. Almost two years to the day.

W found a house and her offer was accepted. She emailed that she had "good news" and how "thrilled" she was.

I felt that I was once again hit in the gut when I was not looking. It hurt. I thought I was detached - past it. Not.

I did not respond to her email.

I was hoping. That is a bad thing to do. I was hoping with her mom's recent death and her opening up to me recently and with the holiday (you know, good will toward men) that maybe there was a crack in the armor. But no.

Can't help it - I still love her despite everything I said.

Or --- is it love or is it the loss? Loss of family and loss of my *control* of my life????

I just don't know.

I did not respond to her "good news" so she calls me. First, during 'movie night' with the kids. That crossed a boundry and I let her know. She got mad (all about her) but backed down.

She calls the next day earlier than she said she would. I was tired and did a poor job acting upbeat.

She asks "did I get the email"? I said (with a bit of sarcasm) "what email"? Long pause by her then she said "about the house".

I told her I was happy for her.

She then keeps me on the phone 30-minutes, asking all kinds of questions and asking if she did well (several times). All I did was validate and pat her on the back. She did do well I have to admit. I saw the house and it is nice and she got a good deal.

Then she asks about the settlement. Have to polish the papers some; she admitted her lawyer made an error (which I pointed out when she accused me of holding things up a few months ago). She asked for the latest copy - claims her lawyer did not have it (a lie by her lawyer - I checked with my lawyer: she delivered it to him two weeks ago).

Then she says that we should sign "together" next week. I told her we did not need to be there together. She almost insisted (she reminded me that I once joked about her having to buy ice cream if we settle so if we sign together she would buy) but she changed the subject back to the house.

Overall I am back in my depressed state. Please don't beat me up for the pity-party. Nothing much is going right in my life right now.

I have reread some of my past threads. I do not recognize that guy. It is SO interesting how my attitude and feelings changed over time and continue to change.

I am still not where I want to be. Hopefully next year will be better. I do get my house back but the place is falling apart and I just am not motivated to fix it up.

Guess I need to find a female who is good with tools! LOL.

Again, Happy New Year everyone.

Strength and Honor.


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1311632 12/30/07 04:55 PM
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Oh Jeff I'm sorry you're down. I read your last thread with STBXW's "I'm so thrilled" email ... in my opinion it was insensitive. But what can you do? If I were in your shoes it would be hard to lie and say "oh yes I'm so happy for you" but on the other hand I wouldn't want to spew out any anger. Sigh \:\(

She wants you to be happy for her and pat her on the back. For what? Being a brave girl, getting the D, getting her independence, going it all alone no matter who gets hurt ... it takes more bravery to stay and try to make things work, but obviously she doesn't want to do that. You gave it all you could.

Jeff, I know you are down and I'm not going to pull you out of any pity party, you're entitled to feel down. But you did all you could. You came here, you listened, you made changes, you accepted the 2x4's, you did far more to save your M than most people do. You are to be congratulated on that.

But there are no gurantees with DB. you can do it all 100% right and still end up x-filed. But you took the noble path and at least TRIED. you can ever hold your head up for that one.

And ... you have changed, you've said so yourself. But you say you're still not where you want to be. Where is that? Could you be specific about where you want to be? I'm getting at .. you guessed it .. goals. What are your goals and what needs to happen for you to get there? 2008 beckons, let it be YOUR year.

Finally .. if I could I would send round to your house a bevvy of beautiful ladies who are all DIY experts. They'd have it fixed up in no time and put a smile on your face \:\)


Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05
Seperated Sept/Oct 05
Oct 06 - H recomitted
July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Jeff223 #1313842 01/01/08 09:55 PM
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Hey, Boo, Happy New Year.

Sorry you are struggling. Perfectly understandable under the circumstances.

Sounds like Missy Ma'am wants daddy to give his blessing to her new car...or boyfriend...or choice of college.

Let me suggest this to you: if you see her like she has shown herself to be recently, as a child who perceives that she failed to receive the love and validation that she wanted as a child, as a child who now struggles to claim that missing love and validation, and who attempts to fill that void as an "adult", and who fails miserably because that kind of love and acceptance can only come from within, then maybe you can let go of your anger and disappointment and instead feel compassion for her. Maybe you can accept that you, nor anyone else, can fill that void for her, and that until she reconciles these issues on her own, that with such limited emotional capacity, this is all she is capable of, this is the best she can do. Maybe then you can accept that this is not the relationship that you want or deserve, and she's not capable of giving you that. The best you can wish for her is that she try to work on herself, and work on finally filling the hole in her heart with love for and acceptance of herself. Maybe she will get there, maybe she won't.

All you can do is let her fly.

In the meantime, you sound like a man who could use an extended vacay to some place warm and sunny, where they bring you little drinks with umbrellas in them, where you spend endless hours drawing pictures in the sand with your toes, and where you start growing those dreadlocks.

Work on that.

besos,
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BBA,

What a great response. I was kind of 'stuck' on what to say but you said it best.


Jeff, this is very bold advice. Worth thinking about.

as always,


your friend,


frankd


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Quote:
She wants you to be happy for her and pat her on the back. For what? Being a brave girl, getting the D, getting her independence, going it all alone no matter who gets hurt ... it takes more bravery to stay and try to make things work, but obviously she doesn't want to do that. You gave it all you could.

Thanks Jenny. I guess I am feeling sorry for her. You hit it on the head.


Quote:
Sounds like Missy Ma'am wants daddy to give his blessing to her new car...or boyfriend...or choice of college.

BBA, thanks also (and Happy Holiday - your thread locked).

No, Missy wants daddy to give his blessing for moving out "on her own" - like she is off to college or something. She is scared to death I bet but she is looking forward to "spreading her wings" so to speak. Just like she is 18 years old. How come I could not see that until your post?

And let me post a recent email from her to show how your assessment fits perfectly BBA:

"Hey Jeff, I looked at a satellite picture of our house and the new house. The new house wasn't on the picture, but where I think it is is only about 1000 ft from our house. Just on the other side of the creek behind the neighbor's house."

Kind of like saying, "although I am moving I am still close by - I can be home for weekends daddy".

Quote:
a child who now struggles to claim that missing love and validation, and who attempts to fill that void as an "adult", and who fails miserably because that kind of love and acceptance can only come from within, then maybe you can let go of your anger and disappointment and instead feel compassion for her.

Right on again. You exorcised my anger with that remark. Thanks. Compassion it is, and that is so much better a feeling, believe me.

And she needs compassion. I remember how "great" it was when I moved to the apartment. Yes, great for the first few months. And then it hits you how great it is NOT. How alone you really are.

Quote:
Maybe then you can accept that this is not the relationship that you want or deserve, and she's not capable of giving you that.

Yes again. I am beginning to see the dynamic here. Why am I beating myself up to want someone who is acting like a teenager? What does that say about me and my self-esteem?

Quote:
The best you can wish for her is that she try to work on herself, and work on finally filling the hole in her heart with love for and acceptance of herself.

That is the path.

Thanks again. Maybe I do need a little umbrella in my drink (not the Tenn Whisky - something colorful!

And thanks for sticking with me frank_D. I know you have much on your own plate right now and I am a pain in the a$$ most of the time. \:\)


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1314722 01/02/08 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted By: Jeff223

Yes again. I am beginning to see the dynamic here. Why am I beating myself up to want someone who is acting like a teenager? What does that say about me and my self-esteem?


I think it says that you on some level derive your self worth by being needed by her, by being her rescuer, by being her white knight.

That's a pretty basic male ego driven thing, as I understand it.

Where you run into trouble is when it becomes co-dependent, and as a result, unhealthy, as it does when you have someone on the other side of the equation who has that desperate need for love and acceptance by the man in her life.

So you stop the cycle by accepting and loving yourself, rather than trying to get the validation and reassurance that you need by being her rescuer.

You're a good man, Jeff. You're smart, you're funny, you're a good dad and a good son. You're loyal, a good listener, and a compassionate and thoughtful friend. And I suspect there are lots of other, um, fine qualities that I can only wonder about...

You're no frog, Boo; you don't need any woman to turn you into a prince.

Now get your butt to the beach.

besos,
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I would like to see you with dreadlocks.


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Quote:
I think it says that you on some level derive your self worth by being needed by her, by being her rescuer

Hey, another light bulb moment! Thanks.

I do see now how I fed on her wanting me to be her daddy. Made me feel good. Only I thought I was doing the family leader and protector role, not a daddy role.

I was very blind. And when she pulled away from her needing me, as she shifted focus to the kids, I took it personally and tried to keep her in the 'nest' - her being dependent on me. She was dependent on me doing things/decisions and I was dependent on being "in charge" and doing for her.

Duh...........

Of course it came back on me since she would not work on herself to resolve her "need" for a daddy. No wonder she thought me controlling.

Duh...........

It all fits. And now she lost her mom and is now looking to me again for emotional support and validation.

Only took me two years to realize all this.

Now, how best to use this insight for my growth.


Jeff

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Jeff223 #1318943 01/06/08 03:48 AM
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Happy New Year Jeff, You may not be feeling very happy right about now but this will be your year I'm thinking. My suggestion would be to try and get off the roller coaster. By that I mean when you talk to the stbxw, don't be upbeat and validating or angry or resentful. There is a third option, just be straightforward and keep things short and businesslike. That's what I've been doing the past few months and don't know/don't really care what the ex thinks about it but I feel a lot more grounded after any conversations. Think that us men sometimes overanalyze things in an attempt to be "Mr. Fixit". Something to think about anyway. Take it easy, RonJon


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RonJon #1319321 01/06/08 07:42 PM
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Originally Posted By: RonJon
By that I mean when you talk to the stbxw, don't be upbeat and validating or angry or resentful. There is a third option, just be straightforward and keep things short and businesslike.


I second that! This is what I have been doing for some time now, and it works well for me. I simply do not discuss anything personal with stbx. he used to ask me how I was doing and what I was up to, and I would tell him what I was doing, and be all upbeat and happy. And then I thought, "Why am I sharing myself with someone who just sucks me dry and gives me nothing in return?" So I stopped. And when he started telling me about his life, I ended the convo. It may sound bitter or resentful, but it's not. He is an acquaintance,, not a spouse, not a friend - not someone with whom I share anything...except two children!!


Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself
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