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#1281294 12/01/07 07:59 AM
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Married 14 years, 2 kids 11 and 7. Wife filed divorce Jan 07. Frequent arguemnts over silly stuff and she used to threaten divorce each time. I *always* wanted M to work, go to thearpy, courses, etc. but none of this worked for her. Looks like she had been in an EA for over a year before that and was plotting and planning while I was clueless. She was out to destroy me completely. While my top priority has been to save the marriage I have also tried to stand up for my rights of custody and finances with my lawyer's help, examined my shortcomings, and reached out to her in several ways. She was ordered out of house by the court in June by the efforts of my lawyer. I have been *struggling* a lot emotionally since Jan and financially since Jun - I used to be more of the *saver* but now almost all my paycheck is gone immediately. I have 50% custody of kids. Went to Retrovaille in July - she agreed to come but when there said it was to "make it easy to divorce" and she made a mockery of it. Read DR and had a phone session with a DB coach in July. After 6 months she's still full of hate, blame, guilt, anger.

I haven't been successful at DB'ing - it seems too difficult for me - tried going dark, detaching, etc. though I probably got taken unawares many times and made mistakes in this regard. With the kids and my work there's no time left for "GALing". I still have a sliver of hope because the decree has not happened though its getting very close. Hardly meet or talk with her. Last week she said she was willing to put things on "hold" and meet once a week for 2 months then 5 minutes later when I asked what her intention for doing this was she changed her mind and went back to the blaming, etc.

The hope seems cruel though I can't get rid of it. I'm still on the roller coaster of extreme grief. I would like to get a good handle on how to deal with my feelings and fiances from others who have made it thru' this difficult time. Thanks.


Me-48, W-38
M14, D11, S7
W filed D 01/07
W had to move out 06/07
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fb2 #1281308 12/01/07 10:35 AM
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Hi,

I'm sorry to see you are in this situation but you're in the best place to come for advice. Forgive me if my responses are too simplistic but I don't know all of your sitch, however I think you need to get out the DR book and read it again.

Chapter 2 "Start with a beginners mind" you need to read this again and understand it. One of the mistakes we all make when we are in these situations is we try to solve things quickly based on our existing knowledge, it doesn't work. We need to clear our minds and get back to basics principles.

You say you've not been very successful at DB'ing, but you could be, you just need to re understand the principles and apply them correctly.

If after 6 months you say your W is still full of anger etc., then you need to look at what you are doing and do something different, because what you are doing now is not working or getting the right response.


Let me give you an example,

Quote:
Last week she said she was willing to put things on "hold" and meet once a week for 2 months then 5 minutes later when I asked what her intention for doing this was she changed her mind and went back to the blaming, etc.


If your response was more to go along with her suggestion rather than to question her motives then I'm sure the out come would have been different.

Remember DB'ing will become a 24/7 activity until you get things moving in you favour. If things are difficult for you post on here with your daily journal and people will respond with good advice.


Take care


Me:50
W: 49
T:20yrs
M: 14 yrs
D:11
2005 PA
2006: EA (2003 : 2007)
2007: April ILYBNILWY Aug PA, Sept Separate
2008: Feb Piecing
2009 Limbo
2011: Separated (same house)
2013: Divorcing
Lanzo #1282186 12/02/07 06:07 PM
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Lan: The reason I probed for her real intentions is that she did this sort of thing earlier only to make a fool of me. All she seems to care about is to get as much money from the settlement. I remember what was in DR ... but hard to implement for me.

Here's what she e-mailed the next day:
Please do not waste my time and yours. I have thought
about it and do not intend to pursue this further. The
Retrouvaille was a big farce and I never should have
agreed to go. It is more than patching up our
differences at this time, please do not make this any
more difficult than it is. We were together for 15
years, you had your chance. It has been 10 months
since I filed, please get over it and move on.

When I talk to her, her body language is interesting - looking away head down, shifty.

How small are the odds of R once D is filed? Once separation occurs with little face to face contact? How does one create the opportunity to meet face to face? How do you reconcile a hostile legal process with the possibility of reconciling? At what point do I give up hope? Even for those successful at DBing how long does it take? Each ones "sitch" is difference so generalizing may be difficult/misleading? Lots more questions ...


Me-48, W-38
M14, D11, S7
W filed D 01/07
W had to move out 06/07
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Lanzo #1282376 12/02/07 10:10 PM
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BTW Lanzo I read some of your thread and found it useful. Your W's anger/drama appear to be similar to some of what I've experieced. But good you've kind of got the ball in play; I'm backed up against the wall.


Me-48, W-38
M14, D11, S7
W filed D 01/07
W had to move out 06/07
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fb2 #1296064 12/14/07 09:04 PM
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f2b - keep posting here. Journal, use it to vent feelings, whatever. There is an amazing amount of wisdom and advice to be found on these boards. I'm sure someone here has been where you are now and can help.

do you have family or friends that would be willing to watch the kids one night while you have them? That would give you a little break in the week and allow you a chance to GAL, even if it's just going to the gym or taking awalk. something you do for you.

What are some of the reasons she gave for wanting the D? For wanting to end a 15 year R? What caused her to look for OM initially? I see a whole lot of i tried and tried and she just wanted out.... why? This may help you to take a good look at yourself and see where you can make some changes. Be especially honest with yourself here. if not, you are not only hurting yourself, but your M and kids as well. We've all made mistakes here and there and are all here to fix them. \:\)

good luck. hopefully with this bump, someone with a lot more experience or a similar sitch will chime in.


If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown

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ann25 #1296284 12/14/07 11:54 PM
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Ann, thanks for the bump and taking the trouble to read my thread and ask these questions. I'm begining to feel a lot more comfortable here tho' the outlook seems very bleak.

No family within 1,500 miles. I've used an elderly couple friend and a sitter occasionally but only when absolutely necessary. I'm going to have to get more creative on this and maybe work something out with other single parents or something like that to keep costs down. As for the gym, I've not had time to go even once for the last 2-3 month.

Her reasons: unhappy every day of the 15 years; she gives every reason under the sun mostly baseless labels that attack me - she could not fight "fair". I now think she may have been depressed a lot since S7 but never really sought help - I misread this as laziness/disrespect/carelessness/anger. But overall she felt trapped, controlled, criticised and says she wasted 15 years of her life, etc, etc. Some of this I may be able to do something about by changing myself or how I interact with her which I'm more than willing to do and I know it is possible because I'm far from perfect. But a lot of it probably originates within her - in this respect its the classic WAW - she has to be committed and want to be helped. My being out of work for an extended period and S7 doing badly at school also contributed to it - but at least these things pass.

The BIG mistake I made was reacting or getting annoyed with her behavior and hoping things would improve with time. I did convince her to come to MC some years ago but she walked out of the counseling after several sessions and got angry with the counselor. That's about when she started threatening D quite frequently for silly things - each time it felt like a knife thru' me. But I was too afraid to try MC again unless she wanted to.

OM helped her with a flat tire in the church, she started meeting him for lunch, or at the church, talking on the phone, they flirted and he gave her a sympathetic ear and she ended up asking for help getting a divorce because she found out he had some legal background and seems so "kind". She apparently went around complaining about me to all and sundry till she happened upon OM - I came to know of all this about 2 years too late after she filed the D - till then she kept it secret. But I found out more about OM from the pastors who see him in general as a wierdo and a trouble maker. Strange that in almost all of the WAW cases there's an OM involved. Meanwhile for 1-2 years prior to filing the D she started working almost full time where from what she's been saying I'm supposing she interacted with some casual "enablers". There also happen to be a lot of divorced Mom's at the kids school and she had plenty of time to get their "advice" on divorce.

Sorry its so long ...


Me-48, W-38
M14, D11, S7
W filed D 01/07
W had to move out 06/07
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fb2 #1297083 12/16/07 02:49 AM
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I'm still hoping to hear more from more experienced people because it feels like I'm in this deed, dark limbo. I think I've given enough background info, at least for now so I'll take a shot at journaling on ann's suggestion an see where that goes.

I'm taking the kids to TX for X-mas week - got OK from W by email. Today D11 called to ask when we're coming back (remember she's the medium of communication). W then comes on the phone and rudely asks for details of the cub scout events next week which I'd already e-mailed her last week and I didn't have in front of me - I politely reminded her of this but she sounded hostile as usual.

I also got a letter from her lawyer today. Letters have been going back and forth for several months now where she is making unreasonable or unsubstantiated claims for more money. A LOT of money is with the 2 lawyers' trust funds waiting for settlement which hasn't happened due to her bickering. This "trust" money is what she cleared out of our joint account, what she owe's me for our new car she claimed as her own - the judge ordered her to pay all this back in April which she hasn't yet done. What I owe her for the house which I paid out by the stipulated date but my lawyer does not want to release it till all the accounts are squared away. I have submitted spreadsheets, bank statements, cancelled checks, etc. so on my side everything is substantiated. I'm getting sick and tired of this but it does not seem like a good idea to give in because these are large sums of money and I'm cash flow negative.

Please advise ...


Me-48, W-38
M14, D11, S7
W filed D 01/07
W had to move out 06/07
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fb2 #1297928 12/17/07 09:03 AM
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F2b,

I'm not sure what happened but the last 3 or 4 post with some important stuff on have disappeared into cyber space.

Can anyone technical advise ?


Me:50
W: 49
T:20yrs
M: 14 yrs
D:11
2005 PA
2006: EA (2003 : 2007)
2007: April ILYBNILWY Aug PA, Sept Separate
2008: Feb Piecing
2009 Limbo
2011: Separated (same house)
2013: Divorcing
Lanzo #1300202 12/19/07 08:13 AM
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Yes.

The book you mentioned is not recommended nor references permitted on the board. The author goes by various names and many of the techniques are destructive to relationships. The discussions therefore confuse folks trying to DB effectively.

He does mention Michele's work, but takes off on a completely different direction.

Hope that helps your understanding.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
sgctxok #1300204 12/19/07 08:16 AM
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fb -

Quote:
I haven't been successful at DB'ing - it seems too difficult for me - tried going dark, detaching, etc. though I probably got taken unawares many times and made mistakes in this regard. With the kids and my work there's no time left for "GALing".


I used to make those excuses, too. My best advice came from Michele: 'Don't give yourself an out'.

Just do it.

You can.....and it feels great when you do.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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