Oh, I forgot to say, I made a point to not fight last night, asked for his HELP with the kids, (which he pretty much drug his feet on), but I took a shower while he got the kids to bed and I made SURE we had sex BEFORE he got too tired. We watched part of a movie I rented and drank some beers also. It was really great. :-)
PS I can't help but wonder if we weren't both feeling more relaxed because he made us some extra money and we are feeling financially comfortable in the first time in a long time. Phew! We can breathe again! That's always SOOO stressful!
... he considers 'sex' a 'we' project (maybe you understand his excitement now). So then he makes a statement that instantly dashes your happiness... as you do to him all the time about sex... YOU are hurt and feel you have a right to be so... yet when you do it to him and he gets hurt... you call him jealous and immature???
Most excellent point, Corri.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
And, on occasion, that would feel great for me too, but if two weeks went by and we hadn't, I wouldn't be furious and resentful like he gets. So that's really what I mean about him placing too much emphasis on it.
That's an easy mistake to fall into, but it is one made from an uninformed view. Bear in mind that I've looked from that mountaintop myself. You're expecting him to have the same feelings toward sex that you do and you are judging him for failing to act and be like you.
I can also tell you that until you work on changing your attitude that he is placing too much emphasis on sex, little is going to change, except for a progressive worsening of your marriage until it dies and/or one or both of you have an affair. You don't get to decide and judge what is important to him. You don't get to look down on him for wanting what he wants. Can you see that with your attitude of "he places too much emphasis on sex" that there is going to be an underlying "whiff" coming from you that is going to stink to him?
Beyond hospitalization, death, chronic unrelenting disease, and other things in that vein - there is really little true justification for avoiding sex with your husband for 2 weeks. How important do you think he feels he is to you if folding clothes, tv shows, nights out with the girls, phone calls, painting cabinets, washing dishes. etc. are placed in a higher position for your time and energy than he is? Imagine, "She would rather mop floors than make love to me."
He's not here, you are. So, you're the one who gets the suggestions and encouragement to do the right thing whether or not he's making it easy for you. We'll take it a bite at a time.
Quote:
Also, I'm more happy with it being "boring" sex most of the time, oral is great for both of us, but I don't think we need toys/porno/marathon sessions, etc., on a regular basis, but might be ok on an occasional basis.
If two weeks can go by without sex, then what are you calling "a regular basis"? Have you ever tried to set up scheduled sex? Have you in recent years/months had sex at least say, 2 times a week, every week for an extended period of time? If you were having sex on a regular basis so that he isn't operating under drought conditions, do you think he would tend to be less inclined to push for a mega-session every time?
First of all, THANK YOU so much for taking the time to help me out here. I truly appreciate it. Sorry I've been absent, with Thanksgiving and all.
I don't think he really is going through drought from sex. (He talks more about not liking that it is routine). I admit it will go in spurts, we'll be frequent for a while then either bickering will increase or life will be more hectic and our frequency will go down, but two weeks was kind of a maximum that he was using against me in an argument recently. (I felt he was kind of justifying some snippy sarcastic comments with that as an excuse.)
When you make the analogy of preferring mopping over having sex with him, I know that at some point he has derived this feeling from my actions. It is not true that I would have thought that to myself, but I do admit that my actions at various points have spoken that to him and I am aware of it and am more cautious of it now.
I do not question that he wants it more than me, needs are needs, and since all of this has really come to a head in the last year or two (it was argued about occasionally before, but never made this big of an issue), I feel I have really tried to meet his needs. No, it hasn't been perfect, things would improve, then I would get "lazy" and "comfortable" again, but man, I have REALLY put more emphasis on it that I would have on my own. So, HERE'S THE BIGGIE FOR ME AT THIS POINT, and it may be selfish, but now I'm starting to feel like I have been focusing on his needs out of real love for him, but if it starts to slip some, I get jumped on, like I'm a horrible wife. I'll think things are ok and then without even realizing it, he'll start to feel it isn't as frequent or isn't as intense as it had been and he'll start getting snippy and before I know he's talking like he can't take it any longer. I start to hear "life is too short to live this way" and "you're not attracted to me, you're just going through the motions, we might as well divorce!" This has made me resentful and (unhealthy though it may be) I think sometimes, so if his needs are all about super hot sex, and I've sincerely TRIED to address it, what about my needs for romance? I'm starting to feel like he's calling all the shots, like I'm bending over backwards to please him and he's just giving me a satisfactory sign in return, at best.
Does this make any sense? I know one of our really entrenched issues is the vicious cycle we get into of "not giving until we've gotten." ANY time we feel JUSTIFIED about being angry or slighted, we fall into the cold shoulder routine. We are both guilty of it. It's subtle but pervasive and we've done it for years. I can only assume that my behavior here perfectly falls into this, but again, I feel like everything really came to a head when I caught him in an intensifying emotional email relationship, (if you've read my past posts, I was approaching him after my shower, ready to have SEX), and I feel like I'm the one changing for him. This all falls into "well, he was driven to it b/c the sex was so bad." It WASN'T that bad!!!! Our son turned one that week and Joey had developed his obsession with my a$$hole (excuse me) and I was really trying to keep us from fighting long enough to HAVE SEX!!!
Oh, and *I* used to be the one to initiate and remind about Date Nights. Well, no more, they became such a joke. For a few weeks after a big blowup, he would come home with flowers on Friday after I would pretty much tell him to. We have no $, so I would try to make a fun meal here at home, I always felt like I was the only one playing along. I never understood it, but he said he didn't feel we should have to "schedule sex" (he would always say it in such a disgusted voice.) It was NOT our only sex, but it was the sex we could count on, yes. The week before I caught him emailing Pam, I bought the book Babyproofing Your Marriage and had a funny conversation with one of my girlfriends saying we should arrange a book club and have the guys there so they can overhear some of the comments made in the book (b/c we'd never get them to actually read it), so they could hear that some people are having NO SEX and this is a short-lived time for most couples and it's common to be stressed and not able to make time for each other as much as you used to. I took it all in stride with a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart that things were pretty good. That's what I mean about feeling he puts too much emphasis on it. Whenever I speak to any of my girlfriends about their sex lives (which isn't often, but still), I find that nearly ALL their husbands/boyfriends WISH they had it more but aren't treating them like they're ready to walk out on them based on it and we're STILL doing it twice as much as they are! So I am left feeling frustrated, but I do keep trying to acknowledge that he is sharing true feelings with me and it is my responsiblity to appreciate that he is sharing them with me instead of having an affair. However, if I think that way for too long, I start to thin staying home has driven too much of that old 50's mentality of the good little wife into me and I should not be THANKFUL my husband isn't cheating on me.
Once (not a date night) I even let him have his computer time and left notes down the hall and on the bed. I had a candle burning and a sexy video playing (the one that came with our Liberator pillows). I got in the shower, I kind of thought he would come join me, but when I got out he was WATCHING COMEDY CENTRAL! Did he get out the lube? Did he brush his teeth? NO! I was next to pissed, but I still tried to keep things going. He acted innocently stupid and I thought "God, he's impossible to please!" We proceeded but the communication breakdown and chip on my shoulder resulted in an argument if I remember right.
By the way, I initiated a quickie Thanksgiving morning. (dinner was practically on the table). Then I initiated a day or so later. Then he was too tired the next night when I initiated, then he initiated last night (after I asked him to put the kids to bed alone so I could color my hair and take a long shower and laid down next to him in only panties). Tonight I did the entire bedtime routine and he barely dragged himself to the dinner table b/c he hurt himself at work. He is so chronically tired and angry, I really feel like something might be wrong. He is SOOOOO negative to be around and it is a huge turn off. When I try to lightly say something, he gets very defensive and says I should just let him be who he is, he's always been this way! I don't think I've changed much sexually, so should he just accept me if I say being frigid is a part of my personality??
I told him we should make "It would make me so happy if you would...." jars, where we write down things we would LOVE for the other one to do for us. Cheesy, I know, but I like doing these kinds of things. It makes me feel great when he plays along, which he does sometimes. So we were laying in bed talking (after sex) and I said "I'll go first, it would make me so happy if you would shower me with compliments." He said, "oh you mean like that?" I asked him to come up with one and he couldn't think of one, so I said I'd give another one. I said "Smile!" He said, what?! I said I love it when you smile and he kind of scoffs and says "You mean stuff like that? I was gonna say carhead." I didn't get it at first, but oh, ok, he wants me to give him a blowjob while he's driving. So ok, USUALLY OUR KIDS ARE ASLEEP IN THE BACKSEAT and we're heading home for Christmas, but I have done it, albeit in other situations. I even initiated it a few years ago when we were on a car trip alone. So, ok, I'll do that. But here's the thing, I want him to do the things I want too! I am starting to feel like I'm always the one trying to improve things or improve our family (like playing games with the kids, going places as a family, etc) and he's mostly....bitching and complaining.
Ok, that was a major diatribe and I'm sorry. It's too late to go back and edit so I hope I've made some sense. I feel like I've come off as unwilling to improve things and that's really not the case, but I AM growing tired of trying to work on us and ALWAYS falling short of what he expects.
PS I have asked him a few times this past weekend what he might want for Christmas and once he said "a trip to the butt rodeo" and once he said "menage a trois". Both times he absolutely cracked up and thought he was SOOOO funny. The second time, I joked back for just a second, but then left the room and he called out that he loved me or asked if I was mad or something and I said, "I'm trying to decide how to react to that because..." I couldn't find the right words. He interrupted me to say, "I don't want power tools, I don't want a grill! I don't care about that stuff! You could give me so much more if you just wanted to!!" I cut him off then and said, "that's what I've been planning!" I bought a nightgown today, a handheld massager and a KY sampler pack adn looked into B&B's and hotels in the area. I'm thinking I'll give him a night out for New Years. I plan on it being ROMANTIC though as well as HOT. So anyhow, I went back out to finish hanging Christmas lights and just said, "When you make those comments, I don't feel very appreciated or valued. I want you to love me for ALL the things I do, like mother our kids and take care of you and our house, not just what I can provide for you sexually." (Ok, it was something along those lines.) I was being serious but fairly calm and he got the point and said he loved me and meant it and that was it.
Phew... Thanks so much for reading and helping me out. I know we/I need it. :-)
Oh my goodness, Corri... Just found this quote from you...
"I've been 'focused' on cooking, cleaning, keeping things running smooth, attending to one and all... and there is no sexual desire anywhere in sight. I'd like to go 'get off,' but to have that... relaxed connection? Please. I'm not relaxed, and when I do 'relax,' I'm falling asleep.
So my bf asks me about this last night. He asked me if I had been horny. I was honest. No. Not really. But it didn't have anything to do with him... I explained the above to him.
Now... my bf RARELY initiates. He subtly invites. If I don't make a move with that... he doesn't do anything. It'll lead to crap sex, because he knows I don't really want it. And he won't go there.
I don't have the gumption to get there right now, and I feel very bad about that. I feel guilty. I feel like I am letting us down. So we talked about THAT... not 'how come you don't WANT me?' I do want him. I just don't have the energy right now to get me there. I'm 'taking care' of people right now, and that does NOT feed sexual desire.
So he hugs me and kisses me and kind of rubs my back and we go to sleep.
Today... his whole persona changed... he's become... a MAN magnet. I don't know if I can describe it... just that... his looks are smokey... his hugs are smokey... his little kisses are smokey... and he WALKS AWAY from me. ZOWEEEEEE... WHEW DOGGIE. He has not touched one erogenous zone... he has not said one thing to me about sex, or desire, or anything... but I want to touch that man in all kinds of ways right now....
He is... inspiring me? I've noticed it, certainly. It makes me smile. It touches me. Not one cross word has he spoken to me. Not one. He just doesn't want crap sex and he will NOT accept it. So I guess he's doing his part to get the kind of sex he wants... and that feeds my 'desire' beyond just having an O. He's.... helping me. Not putting me down, calling me names, asking me why I've seemingly changed..."
I can relate to this so much! It is my husband's EXPECTATION that I need to DELIVER and if I'm NOT in the mood, it is NOT OK, that is killing my desire for him. Yes, there's also the fighting. Put these two things together in large quantities and I'm more interested in painting my kitchen!
Well, and I have to add, that the way he talks to you, not just about the sexual things, but the lack of respect it would seem would probably dampen my desire a lot too. I've told you before that sometimes it sounds like the way he talks to you almost borders on abuse in some ways,but that's just my opinion.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I can relate to this so much! It is my husband's EXPECTATION that I need to DELIVER and if I'm NOT in the mood, it is NOT OK, that is killing my desire for him. Yes, there's also the fighting. Put these two things together in large quantities and I'm more interested in painting my kitchen!
Does this make sense?
Yes, that makes complete sense. But if you read all of my thread, you will also see that even though BF did all those things, it still didn't lead to sex, and I didn't get myself out of it.
And your answer to me, above, is fine... but what are you going to do about it, now that you know the answer? Staying in that kind of atmosphere says, by your actions, that it is okay for him to treat you that way. It also says to me that you do not respect yourself enough to kick his butt to the curb until he can treat you in a respectable manner.
It is YOUR desire. Take charge of it. If it isn't there, and you want it to be... that's in your realm of control. You don't HAVE to fight with him. You can choose to opt out of it, even if he has completely pissed you off.
Being 'mean' to each other... jeese, that just doesn't even have be an option, if you both don't want it to be.
Just so it doesn't sound like I am landing on you, I am working through this very thing right now.
The only answer I keep coming back to, again and again and again, is for me to be HONEST. I'm crystal clear on what I don't want. Now, I have to be crystal clear on what I do want, and set a time limit.
If I don't do that, I'm going to be wasting a lot of everybody's time.
Ok, I have begun reading SSM. It is helping me focus on what is most important. I know I need to break out of my shell and my rut. I acknowledge that in the past I **HAVE** gone through the motions as he claims even though I did not feel that way in my head. SOOO... I did send him a topless pic on his phone. I also am still planning our sexy night out for his primary Christmas gift.
Here's the idea I'm working on right now. I would love your input. I am making him a coupon book ( I scrapbook and have tons of fun paper, etc. ). I would love to make it the perfect balance of sexy AND romantic. Please share your ideas!! I wanted to pop in here, but might give this its own thread since others may want to do the same this month.
Thanks so much for the input. This is the one place where I get "constructive criticism" on what I need to look at in my own behavior. It's not always easy to hear but I know that I have focused too long and hard on what he is doing wrong.
