Where do I start? This will prolly be long, sorry.
Thursday H & I are Imng back & forth regarding his comign over thta night for his regular visit. I asked him to stay w/ the girls while I went out. H normally just hangs out for an hour or so.H asked if if I wasnt gonna be there and if so then can I drop the kids to his dads b/c he had to make a stop there after work. You see I have noticed that whenever its his regular day to visit and I need to do something, he seems to think I have plans w/ imaginary bf and therefore makes it impossible for me to do what I need done.He askd where I was going. When I told him to do grocery shopping, he said he didnt have enough gas$ and can i drop them at his dads. I askd are you briging them back and he said yes. Wait he has not enough $ to make it to our house in the first place? And he is still gonna drop them back off? It didnt make any sense. Before I said anything about me goign out he was fine w/ coming over & no mention of gas$. Well, this was not going to work for me as his dads is 45minutes away and then I would have no time to do groceries. I told him he would have to see them after he got back from his business trip(after the weekend). Long story short- he beacame irrate and told to go get laid or something? This b/c of a sexy text message I sent him the other day(its been a few weeks since we had sex ). H sid he would be filing in afew days and then he can sell the house and all his promblems would be over. Then he logged off. I decided to rush to get all my groceries done before H came over and I would tell him so. I got home & I IM him this. I told him I finshed what I had to so &he can come over & eat dinner if he'd like.I was making one of his favorites & something the girls dont eat so I now it wont go to waste if H eats.He playfully called me a dumbass(i know when he does this). And said he wasnt going to eat? I sensed he was still a little angry. I said well if your not eating I wont make dinner b/c the girls already ate and all that food will waste.
<this is when I got down & dirty w/ some R talk> I told him we needed to talk.I know he's been stressing over the house payment he doesnt have.So, I told him that I will help him w/ it but not if he is living elsewhere. You see we are seperated(not legally),so I dont receive any child support and I dont ask him for any either only that he make the house payment. I also helped by taking over the electric bill on my name.
After this there was a long pause(no response back from H). I knew I needed togive him time but I still pushed and asked for an nanswer. He said he was not discussing it right then. I said OK you think about what I said.
Later that night H was very thinkative and not much talkative. I understood this & I gave him space and wanted to not scare him off, so I barely made eye contact w/ him.I dont know if he took this wrong,my body language? B/c he left w/ out saying goodbye, he never does especially before a trip. The next day (friday) I email him to have a nice trip and I was sorry he left w/ out me giving him a hug goodbye. That I will as usual say a prayer for his flight.H aid a few things rearding his moving back and If he does the girls must keep their rooms clean b/c he will not live in messy house.At the end H mentioned he didnt cre fi this was the last time we talked for he didnt fear dying anymore??In other words in case the flight crashed.Obviously H still upset..So I left it at that & again wished him a good trip.
Well, in NO WAY did H give me any indication he was moving back this day!!!
When I pickd the girls up from day care we went directly to the mall. I noticed I missed H's call.I didnt bother calling back b/c hey, remember he said hopefully this was our LAST convo? H calls an hour later & I wait for it to go to voicemail,but he doesnt leave a message.I really was enjoying my window shopping w/ the girls and was not up for any drama from H. So, finally he calls again and leaves message to please call him back (2&1/2 hours later). I call him & in his mean demanding voice asks me my whereabouts & if I am alone(tone of no bf)? I am at the mall w/ the girls, what ya want? Come home. Huh? IS that how you ask nicely? Anyhow we were about to leave anyways. I get home and before I go inside the house H says there is a mess in there? My bed is stacked sky high w/ all his clothes! His room is stuffed w/ his elctronics/tv,bags,shoes etc. A part of me was happy & the other half was SCARED!!!! Before I went back out too the garage I did not want to seem overly happy(evn though I wasnt)I did have a smile. I corrected my smile to be aloof? Did not want to show any emotions.Later on I thought maybe I should of shown excitement....UGH!I can tell H is looking for some kind of reaction but couldnt read it.He says how later I need to take him by his dads to pick up his motorcycle. After awhile(i know not good) OW thoughts are burning inside my mind. I know how possesive she has become w/ H & I know she was prolly blowing up his phone. I mention to him that OW is not going to let him go that easily(hopes of an explanation or something from him).He shoots me down quickly and says he doesnt want to discuss that now.He was quickly getting upset after that, so I was like OK, OK & left it at that.
I left to pick up dinner for the girls and when I return D10 tells me daddy told them he had moved back & this means no more OW & are they ok w/ that (I guess H thinks they will miss her??)D10 aslo said when they got happy about it daddy got teary eyed... thats why I thought maybe I should of given him a welcome hug or kiss or something??? H can be very sensitive. So heres the kicker....all the while H seems to be very angry. Dont know maybe OW gave him agard time. When D7 was playing aroun trying to get daddys attenion as he was putting his clothes away he told her he had headache & ws very tired. It was nearly 11 at night when he was about finished & I asekd if he still needed me to take him to his dads. No! Dont worry about it! I am trying to figure soemthing out! I shoudl of insited that it was OK w/ me give him aride,but instead I said ok I am gonna take a shower then.Its funny how well my insticts were b/c I then had a sunken feeling that he was gonna leave and not return that night. YUP! My feelings were right on. After two & a half hours went by I tried to convince myself not to call him,but I had to knowing he wouldn prolly pick up. I called twice and left one message. I know I shouldnt have b/c if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt I would of stop to think that knowing H when he is tired & as sleepy as he was ,he prolly just fell asleep at his dads like he has before. My message came out sounding more deperate than I really was. I told him I was not going thru this again and that I was tired of this rollercoaster and was getting off it & that in the morning I was shipping his stuff back to OW's house. I felt bad aftterwards. I know the 48hour rule... Who knows maybe if I hadnt left a message he would of stopped by before going to the airport. Now I will have to wait & see if he calls me from out of town.
I really didnt think he would move back so soon after my proposition b/c he had been going back & forth about returning for months. I so wanted to tell him the conditons of both of us needing IC, but whenever I have brought it up he refuses.
Texted H this morning & asked him the queston that I already knew the answer but I was scared to hear. I asked if he went back to her last night. He said yes & that he thought he wasnt ready to move back. He wanted to be w/ the kids but had to deal w/ me and not trusting him, HELLO? He he didnt even give me a chance! The whole time he ws moving things around in the house & putting his clothes away, I gave him space. No r talk whatsoever,but he was in a pissy mood which I figured it was her blowing up his phone. How do these WAS not get tired of that clingyness?
He is at a race so we cant talk by cell phone. I told him I was able to learn to trust again but he had to do his part & stop contact w/ her, avoid calls to break free. I explained the comparison of the drug addict and the stages of withdrawal anger, depression & greif. I told him I willing to go thru all those things w/ him.
I will tell him to stay at least until the holidays for the girls. This way it will give me a chance to Db & for him to see the changes that Ive made already.
Chicki...I'm sorry that must have been terribly difficult for u (((hugs))) try to stay strong. Trust is such a difficult issue to begin with, and it will be hard to repair. I'm not sure where but in the piecing forum, there is a thread I read, that may help....if you can't find it let me know...I will search for it to. It may help you some...or at least give you some pointers on how to start to rebuild/regain some trust. Is he going to stay with you, or move back out...or do you know yet? Wow, I really empathize for you...take care of you, it's the only thing you can control.
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Thanks you so much christarn!! I so needed to hear these words.
I am at a lost oncemore.
I found where H has the original D papers we both signed back in May & am pondering if i should take it & just file and get the REALITY of it all started??? It just seems when I get serious about the D, H seems to get scared but I dont think scaring him is enough anymore. I prolly need to just doi t.
I feel like Ive lost this battle, lost his love for me forever and cant seem to get it back. This OW has such a strong hold on him....
I texted H this morning (knwoing I will not get a response). I wrote that if he decides to move back out there will not be a 3rd chance for him. I told him I told the girls he will prolly move back to OW's & they were sad. I said I wanted him to stay thru the holidays, but I will not hold him & he wins.
Its due to his text this past weekend where he said he thinks he isnt ready to move back. Said he needs time to adjust.
I am basically letting him know I will not sit by the sidelines forever. But in the same text I am letting him know I still will like him there thru the holidays(in hopes to Db my butt of).
Chicki, If H is serious about getting back with you then you should have him read the part in DR about overcoming infidelity and about what each partner should do to overcome this. It might be too soon right now as he may think you are pressuring him too much. You should still DB and when you feel that he is coming around more then have him read it. Here is another article for you to consider about rebuilding a M/R. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
