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A Message from Michele
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Re: Rollar Coasters are no longer fun [Re: Amy] #1222325
10/05/07 05:49 PM
10/05/07 05:49 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 199
Canada
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Sigh Offline
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Sigh  Offline
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(((Amy)))

Wow, just wow.

I finally read your stich. I would like to say a couple of things, this is strictly my opinion of course

1. It took ALOT of guts and strenght to get yourself out of that whole situation. Be proud of yourself that you were able to find the strength to realize this. I truly think you did make the right choice for you and your kids. I know you will second guess yourself, but don't.

2. I think I have your personalty figured out. You want to help everyone around you and do the right thing, and especially for the ones you love....

Quote:
Do I have a right to fight for a man that has a baby on the way? Is that fair to her?


that says it right there. You are actually thinking what is fair to the OW. Wow, that takes a lot of character. Listen, she is not part of your decision in the least! She did not care that your H had 5 kids at home when she decided to have an affair with your H, she should in no way impact YOUR feelings or decision. You do what is best for YOU.

3. This one in important. Your H is mentally ill, YOU CAN NOT HELP HIM WITH THIS. Until he is ready to realize that he has serious problems, they will not go away. As much as you want to help him, you can't ( I have had some experience with my H and depression, I was always thinking I could help him get better, it wasn't until my theripist told me that no matter what I did, I could not because it is an illness, not just a feeling). He needs to address this with himself and get the help he really needs.

With alot of the questions you are asking, should I just move on? should I fight for him?

These are questions only you can answer, and trust me your answers will change for the next while at least. These are not easy things to answer. It will take time. You need to be patient, especially with yourself. You are going through so many things at once. Try to to answer everything today. For a while, it will be a day at a time, maybe even an hour at a time.

Don't know if this was of any help. My prayers are with you

Take care of yourself Amy

Re: Rollar Coasters are no longer fun [Re: Sigh] #1222425
10/05/07 07:12 PM
10/05/07 07:12 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,917
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Dom R Offline
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Dom R  Offline
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Ditto to what sigh said.

a bit of spot emphasis:

That woman has a baby on the way?

you have **six children**, that she has devastated the lives of.
She is an unfit mother.
He is YOUR husband.

durn tootin you have a right to fight for him.


My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D.
Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M.
3 wonderful sons caught in the middle


Re: Rollar Coasters are no longer fun [Re: Dom R] #1222775
10/06/07 03:02 AM
10/06/07 03:02 AM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
USA
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Amy Offline OP
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Amy  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
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Well I guess I should clarify something that I haven't told you all. This is baby number 8. He has two children from a prior marriage that I do most all the work to communicate and take care of. His Xwife and I are very close. This is the second time he has done this. This is baby number 8!!!!!!!



I am so ticked at him right now. It is the first time I have gotten ticked. I sent him an email I may regret but boy did it feel good to write. Here is what I sent. Sorry for the length but thanks in advance for your opinions.




The last few days, weeks, months have been a roller coaster for me that I can not longer ride. I can not do the ups and the downs. The I love yous and I don't love yous. I am coming back and I am not coming back anymore. I am finished. I am truly finished. I really love you. Way more than is even healthy for me but I can no longer go on like this. What I have learned is that while loving you I have stopped loving myself. I have no self respect. I am embarrassed of myself. I can no longer be the other woman in my own marriage. I can not live with you out making babies with someone else and choosing her and that baby over me and your own children. You say that you didn't leave the children but Joey that is a cop out. Marriage is forever and when someone leaves a marriage they leave their family. Any way you want to look at it to make it easier on you is fine but you did leave them. You left all of us. Your own selfish desires for self gratification, sexual pleasure, and shear not wanting responsibility caused you to abandon your family which includes a wife and five absolutely beautiful children that love you so much. I would put money on the fact that within the next 8 years you will do the same to Lynne and God only hopes you stop having children by then because what kind of life are any of them going to have with a dad that bails on them like you do.

I am backing out. I will not ask you back again. I will not fight for you. I will do my best to not call you. I will let you live the life you want with Lynne and this baby if there is one and if it is yours. You have repeated history again and instead of breaking the cycle you have chosen to continue it. You have done to this family the same thing you did to Lisa and those kids but this time it is worse because you have put your children through the verbal abuse of saying you will come back and then the next day calling them liars by saying you didn't say it. I do nothing but tell them how you love them and how you are sick but honestly at this point you are using your bipolar as a crutch and I choose to not enable you anymore. Your illness messes with your heart, mind, and feelings but at some point you have to grow up and you have to decide what is morally right and you have to work on it to fix it. You know what you are doing is wrong. You told me you know it is. On judgement day you will have to answer for that and until then I hope you when you go to bed each night having missed out on the ball games, the laughter, the first girlfriends and boyfriends, prom night, music concerts, the homework, the hugs, and the kisses you can live with your decision. I hope each time you sleep with her and put your arms around her you think of the little pattering feet that run into our bed and jump in during the middle of the night that you have chosed to give up. Am I saying that to guilt you? You bet your butt I am because if you live one day without guilt you are not the father I think you are. You should be sick with guilt. You should be torn up in side. You can say I am not a Christian but God says to confront a sinner and the problem with all of this is that everyone is so worried about fragile Joey they don't let him know the cold hard facts. It is your duty to God and your family to work on your current family. It is your duty to your children to be here with them. You know what you have done and yet you are enjoying the self gratification that you are getting out of this other woman so much so that you have destroyed your children's lives. I hope that you can look in the mirror each day know what you have done. I hope that when you see them grow up in photos and your visits here and there you will understand that you made that choice.

You have made these choices not me, not your parents, no one but you. We could have worked it out. You NEVER gave me the benifit of counseling. You refused therapy. You did nothing to work things out with us you just QUIT! YOU QUIT ME AND YOU QUIT YOUR KIDS! Joey in our relationship/marriage I have supported you through Sonia, Martha, Tunvee, Charity, and Lynne and Until now I have always been willing to take you back overlook and forgive you.

Today was the end though for me. When you promised our children last night you would be coming back and then today called them liars. If you want to attack, belittle, and physically and mentally hurt me that is one thing but when you do it to my babies well that's where I draw the line. They deserve better than to be drug through your self pity, dramatic, and psychotic episodes. You wonder why I left XXX state and that is because you did this to them on a weekly basis. You continuously told them you were coming back and then lashed out at me in anger. You left the state to go on a vacation with your girlfriend over seeing your children for their visitation weekend. You LIED about it to me and them and just didn't show up. IT IS SO SICK!!!! What is even more sick is that I was going to forgive you again.

Which brings me to my next point. Why do you always take your nastiness and anger out on me. I am the one that sits there beside you and loves you beyond anything. I am the one that accepts you and all of your faults and was still willing to love you beyond each of them. I was willing to work two jobs to support you let you do what you want take care of you but you choose Lynne over me... the kids... our family... and your vows to God. You completely have destroyed us. You dumped your children for this other woman. You threw them out like yesterdays trash. You have destroyed Andrew and Austin and the girls are hurting also. You make me sick how you cant keep your XXXX in your pants when any woman out there gives you a second glance. You have such little self confidence that someone gives you any attention and you are in their bed.

I am ready to let you out of this marriage. Please if you want out go ahead and file for divorce I will not try to stop you. I will be doing whatever necessary to let you out of thei marriage and yet make sure I am financially able to take care of the kids on my own. I know that if they get they same attention as your oldest son and daughter have from you they will never hear from you so I will need to do what I can to be both mom and dad until we find someone that enters our life (hopefully as loving as Eddie has been to Joely and Wesley) and then I will be able to give the children the real family they deserve. You see Joey with you I loved you so much I didn't even look at all the pain.. all the hurt.. and all the lack of being there that I went through. How many times did you help with homework? How many baths did you help with? How many times did you help me with anything to do with them? You sat, played your computer, ran around with other women, and neglected all of us. And even through that I was dumb enough to stand there and take it all. I finally woke up today. For God's sake if she is so important that you are crazy enough to jump out of a moving car on the interstate to get to her then go to her and leave me and these kids alone. Stop hurting them by making false promises. Stop making them cry. You made your choice so live with it but STOP hurting us please.

I want someone that does the following for me. I want someone that is mature, self motivated, and emotionally secure. I want someone to be my friend and companion. I don't need gifts, money, or material things to make me happy. You know this because you sure never did any of that for me and I still loved you. I am looking for someone that is secure enough with his own identity to handle my strong personality. I am determined, controlling, and strong willed and I know that. While I like to get my way I want to find someone tough enough to stand up to me and yet gentle enough to know when to give in. You see you blamed me for all of these things but you never stood up. You never tried. You just quit your family. You could never make the smallest decision and when I did you just turned around and called me controlling. You forced my hand because if I didnt do it it didn't get done. I have been the one that has totally cared for your son and daughter and you are a freaking liar by telling xwife you asked me to pick things up for them. 99% of the time you didn't even know what I sent to them and the other 1% I had to beg you to sign a card to them so it had your handwriting and I still have some in a box I addressed and put stamps on you never bothered to sign. Stop freaking lying. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN THERE FOR THEM. You walked out on xwife and said here ya go xwife you have 2 kids raise them on your own and now You just walked out and said here ya go Amy raise 5 kids on your own. I am out of this marriage because you didn't treat me 100% perfectly. I need what makes me happy and to hell with what makes you or the kids happy. I am sick and I have bipolar so I just can't be here anymore. Stop using that as a crutch. I know so many people that are success stories because THEY STOPPED THEIR PITY PARTIES AND MADE IT HAPPEN!!!!!!! GET OVER IT!!!!!! GROW UP!!!! You didnt want to kill yourself last night you wanted attention. You slashed your wrist multiple times so you could get some sympathy If you wanted to be dead you would have been so stop the child's play, grow up , and do something right for once. Stop making everyone around you scared to even speak to you.

If you think this letter is tough well you are darn right it is. I am sick of walking on eggshells. I am not asking you to come back again. I am not going to beg you or take care of you. You want to be on your own you are on your own. You want a divorce lets start living it. You need to pay me 800 per paycheck starting with the next one. This is what the courts said you will pay. You will have to figure it out how you will live from there. You are going to have about 600 per month after paying child support for 7 kids. I hope thats enough left for baby number 8. I will talk to you about your bills when you are ready to take them on but I will no longer sit here and be mentally abused and take care of your finances and be your secretary while you are sleeping with another woman. If everything you own gets repossesed that is your problem. I am sorry but I have more self respect than that. If you want your crap done for you then see how much OW will do for you. I think you will find real quick that I was one in a million when it comes to bailing you out.

You are either in or out and the time to decide is over. I am asking you to file for divorce this week. I will be moving on. I will start dating and find that special someone that can be what the kids and I need. A constant, someone to help with homework, attend ball games, and show the children their mother can be loved. Some to hold me when I am sad. Someone that allows me to have a bad day because he loves me enough to not make it all about him. I have never had that. I have never been truly loved and by golly I am ready for it. I have never been so sure or so content in my life. I know that God doesn't want divorce but God doesn't want someone to sit and be mentally and physically abused like I have been. What you are doing to the kids and i may not be physical abuse anymore but it is mental and that is so much worse. The mental scars take so much longer to heal. I don't know if some of what you have done will ever heal.

Our son is sitting and crying right now. He crys all day and night. He is broken and sad. He is in the counselors office at school everyday worried about his daddy. He keeps saying you promised you would come. YOU ARE KILLING OUR SON!!!!!!!

I am done now I am letting you go. I will leave you alone. You have proven what you want. You are in her arms while I am wiping our childrens tears. I am going to go cuddle and play with our five children and let them know that mommy is here nomatter what and you well you can just give OW that reassurance because that was your choice.

You have until Tuesday to file to give me one good reason why I shouldn't file myself on Wednesday and it better be a real qood reason. Because anything other than you walking through fire to save our marriage will not be accepted. I took and took and took the pain but you have now hurt our babies and that I where I draw the line. You know how to reach me so the ball is in your court. You have 3 days.

Amy


M 32 H 39
SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4
E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06
On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again.
On 08/11/07 Walked out again.

People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Re: Rollar Coasters are no longer fun [Re: BryanS] #1222882
10/06/07 11:19 AM
10/06/07 11:19 AM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
USA
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Amy Offline OP
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Amy  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
USA
He called again with a guilt trip last night. I let him talk to my kids on the phone and he told them I stole them by leaving the state. I think its time we don't take his calls for a while. He is really hurting my kids.


M 32 H 39
SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4
E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06
On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again.
On 08/11/07 Walked out again.

People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Re: Rollar Coasters are no longer fun [Re: Amy] #1223028
10/06/07 05:19 PM
10/06/07 05:19 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
USA
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Amy Offline OP
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Amy  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
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I had an 8 am with my counselor this morning. She has given me a list of things I need to do. I am not sure I agree with them She is the only christian counselor in town and well...

1) turn phones off take and make no calls to him.
2) do not allow him to call the kids
3) Only allow the kids to call him if they want to and set timer for 5 minutes. Keep on speaker phone if he acts inappropriately hang up.
4) Find a church family here
5)FILE FOR DIVORCE.

Ok so why can I not find a counselor promarriage. I guess maybe divorce is the only answer. I liked her because she didn't sugar coat things for me but I didn't necessarily like what she had to say. UGH.......


M 32 H 39
SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4
E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06
On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again.
On 08/11/07 Walked out again.

People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Re: Rollar Coasters are no longer fun [Re: Amy] #1223078
10/06/07 06:57 PM
10/06/07 06:57 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,621
California
M
mkultra Offline
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mkultra  Offline
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California
I need to catch up on your sitch stat! Whoa! Are you going to follow that advice? How do you feel?


Me:38 H:39 MLC
M:10 R:23 years
D6 S3
Bomb: Easter, 2007
"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Re: Rollar Coasters are no longer fun [Re: mkultra] #1223246
10/06/07 11:36 PM
10/06/07 11:36 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
USA
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Amy Offline OP
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Amy  Offline OP
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A
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
USA
Well, I have to tell you I am beginning to think I am the one that needs to be committted. I don't know. I keep changing my mind up and down and back and forth.

One minute I am so mad at him I want to just get rid of him and never see him again. I hate that he has the audacity to call me from his girlfriends house. I hate that he can actually tell me he loves both of us.

Then there are days like today when he calls me sobbing and says he misses me and the kids and he is being checked back into the hospital for another suicide attempt. He told me he loved me and not to give up on him. I said what are you saying and he said I dont know. I am not sure what I want. Then he says I am sorry I hurt you. He then just begged me to continue to be nice to him and promised me he would figure things out soon. I just said ok and hung up.

My mother in law told me that the OW has said she is going to have an abortion. For whatever that is worth. I don't think she is pregnant but she is trying so hard to convince him and controls him with guilt and her threats of suicide so he just can't walk away. She too is bipolar so they feed of each other. As much as he is being a selfish jerk I also know that he is very sensitive and I think his guilt is killing him right now.

I did get a new cell phone today in the state I am in and did not give him the number. I felt it was best that I have backup in case he turned mine off. As for ignoring his calls I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should and part of me doesnt. I know that I will not call him. I am going to let him work things out and come to me. I have no choice but to do that. I guess I will decide when the phone rings rather or not to take his calls. I know that if I am the least bit upset I shouldn't because right now his state of mind is so fragile and I do not want to hurt him at all.

Crazy I know because I am dying in pain but I still can't bear the thought of causing someone else pain.

The really hard thing for me here is that I am dealing with not only a WAS but one with a mental illness that hasn't been properly medicated. While so many of thise techniques are great there are also very many that just simply don't work when you are dealing with someone that is out of their mind.

I am going to keep praying. Keep my kids protected. Keep loving my husband from afar and continue to build my own life so that I can function with or without him.


M 32 H 39
SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4
E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06
On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again.
On 08/11/07 Walked out again.

People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Re: Rollar Coasters are no longer fun [Re: ] #1223634
10/07/07 05:13 PM
10/07/07 05:13 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
USA
A
Amy Offline OP
Member
Amy  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
USA
I am just so lost. Can any of you give me some good advice here?

My son talked to my husband today on speaker phone of course because I monitor what he tells them. He sounded so sad and so broken. My 9 yr old gave him hell. I felt bad but I was told by the therapist to let him express himself so I did. He told my husband he was making bad choices. My husband told him that he wasn't sure he could get past the nagging I did and my son said you have a girlfriend and mom is willing to forgive you. Everything my H said my S came back with something. It was hard to listen to really.

He finally just said Dad I don't want to talk to you if you are going to be this way and he hung up.

I didn't call back but wanted to. I don't know what to do. I feel so bad for my husband but I feel also like he made his bed and he will have to take what the kids toss at him.

Why do I feel this need to protect him and take care of him? He has committed adultry multiple times. Walked out on me and verbally abused me and yet I still want to take care of him.

My question is what advice do you give me as of now. Do I just continue to not talk to him? Should I send him a get well card? I don't know how to deal with this.


M 32 H 39
SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4
E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06
On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again.
On 08/11/07 Walked out again.

People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Re: Rollar Coasters are no longer fun [Re: ] #1223760
10/07/07 08:22 PM
10/07/07 08:22 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
USA
A
Amy Offline OP
Member
Amy  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 357
USA
Thanks. I needed that. I am going crazy. I keep trying to make up reasons to need to talk to him and I just have to stay away. I will let you know how it goes.


M 32 H 39
SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4
E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06
On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again.
On 08/11/07 Walked out again.

People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Re: Rollar Coasters are no longer fun [Re: ] #1223817
10/07/07 09:20 PM
10/07/07 09:20 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
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ediemarie Offline
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ediemarie  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 436
NJ
((((Amy)))) I had no idea all that you were going through! I looked for you a few times on here but didn't find you. Thanks so much for stopping by my thread.

Sweetie you have been through so much lately! I am so sorry things are going this way for you.

You did fantastic at physically moving away from the situation. You HAVE to move away from it emotionally (as much as you can), spiritually and mentally. I know how difficult it is to free the man you love, but it may be the only way that he will come back.

Your H is a very ill person. Due to his illness he is poisoning you and your children. You MUST stand in the gap for your kids. They need to see health. They need to see wellness. They need to see and feel love. You are the only one that can provide them with that, right now. I don't know if your H will ever pull himself together. But you cannot be apart of the problem or the solution. This is his deal. His pain. His hurt. His illness.

In the last few weeks you have told him repeatedly that you are not going to contact him, speak to him, stand for any of this. So stop. Don't. Do what you say you are going to do. You have to let him feel rage, let him be with OW, let him live his life without his kids and with his parents. You have the best part of your life with him - your children. They need the best part of your marriage - you.

Amy, I'm not telling you anything new. This is the same stuff you were going through over the summer. Don't let yourself be controlled by him. You are responsible for you and your actions, just as he is for his. You are both adults and can only control yourselves.

Go open a bank account in your name only. Get a job. Join a church. Make some friends. Speak to your mother about how you feel disappointed and hurt that she took your photos out of the house, but understand at the same time that she loves you,cares for you, and doesn't want to see the pain you are going through. Leave it there. Don't ask her to put them back, accept that she loves you and this is the manner in which she is showing it. Read a book - a fun one. Write a list of dreams (not necessarily goals - dreams for your life and don't include H.) Find a new hobby. Go to the library. Put down roots in your community for the sake of your children. Sign them up for a sport or after school club so they can make friends quickly. Begin living a healthy lifestyle. Plan Halloween customes for and with your kids, give them something to look forward to and live for. Take them pumpkin picking, apple picking, plan a special time just for all of you to regroup.

Amy, you have to pull yourself together. A note about the counselor: I had a similar experience with a Christian marriage counselor - she advised me right away to separate from my H. I wasn't in any state to do so, and I didn't. I kind of kick myself now. I think if he had seen how serious I was about him stopping his behavior, we may be in a different place than we are now. I'll never know if that's true, but the counselor I saw, saw something in me that I couldn't. She saw that my H was poisoning me mentally. Your counselor's main focus is to get you healthy. A healthy marriage will come after that. If you aren't comfortable filing for divorce, don't. But do the other things on your list that you are comfortable with. When you see her again, express that you weren't ready to make that step yet, but you did the other stuff....

(((((AMY)))) Hang in there. You have made great strides.

Please don't take my words harshly. They aren't intended to hurt. I just feel for you and can see that you CAN pull yourself and your kids out of this mess. You have the power to make some changes. You know what to do.

I'll check on you again in a little while.

EM


Me: 34
H: 39
M: 7 yrs
H A 12/05-8/07

If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley

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