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So here we go on a new thread. W seems to have had a little bit of a change of heart for the positive. I'm sure three years ago when this all hit the fan, if I would of seen the positives of now a days, I would have been ecstatic. I would have felt that I was well on my way towards a busted D. However, since I now more fully understand where exactly I am and a lot of what got me here, I know I'm not out of the woods.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very thankful for the interaction that I now have with W. Also, I am excited that she can talk and plan more along the lines of us being together. However, I can still see that her heart is not really fully in since her ability to be intimately close is not there yet. However there are glimmers of light there, so we'll take it as a "just around the corner". Also, we don't really have the ability to sit and talk about our R either. She is really not able to sit and share her emotions that well. I don't know how long I can "sit and wait on this".

Who would of thought that when we were dating that communications would have become an issue later on in our lives. That use to come so easy back then. But however, those were very easy times and issues back then. For now I will stay focused on the target and see where it goes from there.

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Phoenix,

I know that I'm missing a lot of the details from your posts, but I sense an overall emphasis on your W's weakness and failings. I understand that point of view completely (this applies to my sitch as well, so I'm really talking to myself too), but I know it's true that you get what you expect.

If you expect W to be selfish and weak and lax in her efforts in your R, that's exactly what you'll look for first in every sitch. The positives just won't be enough to take your attention away from the negatives. She in turn senses the criticism and you both continue on the downward spiral.

Things aren't perfect now. Will they ever be? Maybe not in this life, but we have to get there from here somehow, and find some joy on the journey. I'm glad you are grateful for how far you've come. You've struggled and been patient for a long time...maybe a new level of patience is what is required here and now--how would W respond if she was treated in a way that displayed to her your full love and respect for a week, a month, three months...free from any subliminal accusation or frustration? Just love her for who she is beneath all the frailties and mistakes--what would YOU lose in an experiment like that?

Have you had a chance to read "Bonds That Make Us Free"? It addresses this very idea in depth, and is something that your W should not find offensive to see you reading, as it's not necessarily marriage focused--it's for all relationships in life and the case studies presented cover a wide variety of scenarios.


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I understand exactly what you mean, Phoenix! I still have no idea what to do, except for the letter I sent him about giving him space, and hope that he will do something once his job sitch is settled. Eventually, I will shake things up, and maybe that's where you're at? Time to do something different, that will grab her attention. I know what you mean about how easy it was to communicate in the early days ... we all do, I guess. It's like we were on the same frequency, and then we lost it.

It might be worth doing as Aud advises ... I tried it for a few months, and although we got closer, it didn't get him talking about his feelings, or anything, and he still (as he has done in the past) took me for granted. But, your W may react differently. It's not that I'm critical (way past that stage), or unloving, but I don't initiate anymore. I am floating along, and waiting for him to do something that will make me feel all of him is plugged into the M.

Anyway, hope your Labor Day weekend is going well.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
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EA4/04 End? Who knows?
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I'm going to go with the book and see what it can do for me. Things seem so close to the brink of heading down the right path, I just have to figure out how to make the right first move. What seems to be the sitch is W has come to the closest she can figure to go, looks down the path, but is still figuring out if that's what she wants for sure. Like you say BeingMe, I have to be the greener grass.

This week is going to be tough, W got some major things ahead of her. She can handle it, but I can see how she is apprehensive also. Perhaps it is time for a note of love, encouragement, support. Show her where the real love is.

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Aud, really needed your words, for my H is the male version of PS's wife, there but not really fully there. Just had an exchange of txt msgs (amazing, on the phone we were getting at each other but we are much more civil we write to each other!) and he confessed to me that he feels our connection has been totally crushed, that he's almost hopeless.
Yes, he's going to a T, and he's home, but he still feels terribly miserable. Breaks my heart to see him in this state, I honestly forget that he is hurting so and that he feels so lost, that the 2 T sessions are just the beginning of a long recovery and that I can n't expect my H back just yet.

Patience.

Not the storm on the cup of water I raised today about something that now seems insignificant and which just led him to believe that we are beyond help.

People, choose your battles.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

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It's all so darn hard to walk the line. Shouldn't be, but it is.

Patience.
Compassion.
Peace.
Love.
Perseverance.

These are the qualities that will win the war.

In our sitches, it's difficult to pick the battles, to lay down our pride and instinctive self-preservation mechanisms...especially when it feels like we need them most in just this circumstance.

Send the note Phoenix. Be her rock, her safe place, her greener grass.


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The note will have to wait for a few days, but the last 24 hours have been pretty good. Have seen a few good responses out of W. She has some important days ahead of her, usually when under stress is when she "pushes away". But not this time.

Even when I took a kiss this morning, the response and after interaction was good. I hope this is the beginning of a good trend. Something inside says it is. \:\)

I'm sending some positive waves out your way. Cat, stay strong and stick it out. I think in my sitch, an event that probably started this whole thing, ended up being the solution.

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thanks PS, as much as this second op event has rattled me out, I realized that had I not found out H would've kept me in the dark about his void and just faked it all along over again and then when he couldn't put up the facade anymore he was going to pull another dissapearing act claiming he tried but didn't work.
This time he is seing a T and with luck in time we'll both be going back to the MC.

And we live to see another day \:\)


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

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Hearing that you've got a T involved might be the best thing. Although W seems to be working things out in her mind, again I have to worry if she really has a good handle on what needs to be addressed. Right now I'm not going to push it, perhaps when things have settled down and I have a better read on what the sitch really is. For now I'm taking the positives as such and showing a little faith and confidence in W. The next few weeks I think she will see how much she truly needs me and that the grass is still greener here.

The interaction from W seems to be increasing and once again we are talking about events and starting to work as a couple again. I'm making sure I'm using proper DB techniques and trying not to solve all her problems for her. Seems funny at times when W will notice problems, that we had ourselves only a few months ago, in other peoples R and state what they need to do to fix it. \:\) I'm glad I'm not the only person who has learned something.

Cat03, as long as H keeps seeing T, there is going to be some change. Hopefully he will listen to what is being said and move in the right direction sooner. (((((Hugs)))))

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Quote:
Seems funny at times when W will notice problems, that we had ourselves only a few months ago, in other peoples R and state what they need to do to fix it.
Isn't always easier to fix someone elses problems? ;\)


Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.
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