Some of you may remember me from last year, most probably do not as I'm (sadly) a semi-oldtimer on the Infidelity board, and the Class of '06 has mostly moved on from here. BUT. I have a question my H posed to me in a discussion last night, and I knew I could come to the DB board to find what I need. I will be cross-posting this in several forums to reach more folks.
Brief backstory: my H had a short yet horrible A in Dec05-Jan06 and lost his job because of it. His job was upper management with lots of domestic/international travel, blah blah. I was able to be a Stay at Home mom.
When he lost his job, I had to go back to work, and have been the fulltime bacon-bringer since feb06. We both hate it. He's the stay at home dad, and is WONDERFUL at it - and so grateful to re-know the kids, since he used to travel so much. That's the blessing in it for him, yet as a man, he is not called to be the Pool Dad, or the lone dad in the carpool line at school every day. He's been looking for jobs NONstop locally and nationally since the day he was fired.
I gain some validation from working again after 7 years, but it's not where my heart lives. I want to be fulfilled through my M/R and be a domestic goddess. I want to be home with my kids and not HAVE to work fulltime. Personally, the job-thing doesn't feed me where I live.
Stick with me, I do have a point.
ALL THAT TO SAY: we were discussing all this last night for a while, as we tend to do, because our Piecing is basically non-existent on several levels, and a lot of it - besides our personal betrayal/hurt stuff (long stories) - is the fact that he really feels his 'life is over' as he's been unemployed for so long. He is disconnected from that part of his life, that is where Providing For His Family lives, as well has having a common goal with co-workers. He poured so much of himself/ his life into his job, and now that is gone with no closure. Former friends are now FORMER friends. He is VERY alone in this battle. People keep their distance from us, etc. All compounding his sense of loss, doom, and no redemption for him.
He's freelance consulting, but it's slow, and he thinks he will never get another job again -that's not manual labor or very random consulting stuff.
He said last night: Show me someone who ever got fired from his job because of an affair, and was able to get another job(aside from bagging groceries, or serving Fries With That).
He believes that no one will 'take a risk' on him b/c it comes down to a trust issue for any employer who learns of his past. And that this ONE event, out of an entirely blameless & successful work career, has defined him and ruined him.
I still think there is more to his story to be written, that it's not the end of the road; that God has not ended this part of his life permanently. That sooooooooo many people (sadly) have A's and some HAVE been fired and it's not the end of their world. He disagrees, and God-forbid, perhaps I'm an idiot not seeing reality?
SO: Does anyone around here know a story (yours, someone you know directly) where the man was fired because of an A, and was able to get another comparable-level job again in his life??
If anyone is marginally interested in more of my story, you can search my threads in reverse from my last one linked below in my signature, and also go to my blog, Adventures in Stepford where my H wrote several posts about his part of the story last year (before he got too discouraged to think in depth about it anymore)
Edited for Clarification: It was a Christian organization, and this was a 'moral' failing. Can't sin and keep your job. (don't get me started)
By contrast- the OW, also married with small children - yet working in a 'secular' corporation - kept her high-level job.
Last edited by believing_isaiah43; 08/25/0712:20 PM.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
A good friend of mine who is a nurse (in a specilized field of nursing) was fired because of her affair with a married male nurse that she was working with. Even though she loved where she worked, and lost her old work friends, she found a comparable job, made new friends, and is now very happy there.
Has your husband tried looking beyond Christian organizations? Also, maybe taking some classes and brushing up, or updating skills would help??? Just a thought!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks ROOT. As a nurse (which I am) it is way easier to find a different job, IMHO, than corporate-type positions.
He has not looked in the Christian community AT ALL since he was fired. It's all been secular, monster.com-type, large corporation searches, etc. And nothing.
He was a manager/director in operations: large scale supervision of a multitude of people and projects, domestic and international.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Glad you're still together with your H! I know it's been a tough road, but I am so impressed that you're hanging in there, and so is your H.
About the job question. I have a hard time believing that your H is not being hired, in secular jobs, b/c of having an A. As sad as it is, infidelity is more common than we think. And, while dating a co-worker is often against rules to prevent workplace discord, we all know it happens. And, social ramifications are there, but I have never really heard of someone not being able to be gainfully employed again after an A. I know of a few people (one that worked with my father) who was the VP of a corporation, had an A with his secretary who he eventually married. She had to quit her job, but his did not suffer. Same with others.
But, it seems that he's having a tough time getting a good referral from his former workplace - and it would definately come up if that was the reason he was fired.
Time for him to get creative to get around it, I think. Find some people he can befriend and trust to give a good referral, or go back to another workplace to rely on that. It still is going to be tough.
So, to answer your H's question....
Yes, there are a LOT of people who find jobs, keep jobs and excel despite workplace affairs.
But, in HIS case, since that was the reason he got fired and it was a religiously based organization.....well, a lot tougher.
Which is why I suspect his angst at himself for putting him in that position in the first place.
But, it's an interesting point....if it were the reason you could be looked down upon and lose your job, would people do it less b/c of the higher consequences?
I know with my H, he has lost all dignity, respect and social interaction with his colleagues. But, his behavior stretches into work, and not just with affairs, so he is suffering in his career, and I suspect will more to come. But, they certainly couldn't fire him for the As...
sweety)))))))))))))))))))))) I've been on vacation or would've answer earlier.
Funny you asked, I was just basking in the fact that somehow (loooooong story) my H's superiors learned he was having an A and chewed him out (he he, ok, just a bit wee smile). Yes, at his new job which he loves. He got a good tongue lashing, but that was it.
Upper management position people have a much harder time finding jobs (our co. just merged, and of coursed they offed 2 upper management people)
The lack of friends, or least one trust worty friend also is detrimental to my H, i have so many lifelines but he has pratically none (and men being prone to internalize everything dont' make things any better)
It is so nice to see you hon, I'm sorry he is having a hard time finding a job, will keep you in my prayers)))))))))))))))
Hi always14)))))) xoxoxoxo
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi BI, Always & Cat, I have been off the boards for about a year, have hit a rocky patch and have come running back.
BI, While I am so sorry to hear that your H is still having self esteem problems, I am happy to hear that you are still together.
Always, I haven't found your post yet though you refer to your H as your husband so I am hoping that you are still together.
Cat, same goes for you.
Being married is a very difficult road; especially when one of the spouses is involved in an affair. There are so many feelings and emotions to deal with. My H and I had a fight tonight over money and our middle daughter just bawled. She clearly didn't want to go thru what she went thru last year. And frankly, neither do I. I am so tired of this. So tired of trying to please everyone and make sure that everyone in this house is happy. What about me? Does anyone care if I am happy? By the way everyone acts, my answer would be no. I want to be with a man that truely loves me. When I walk in the door I would like a husband to come to me and hug and kiss me. When I leave I would like him to do the same. I want a husband that reaches for my hand while we are walking, is that so much to ask?
Oh sweety, life is beating on us right now, I hear ya)))))))))))) my post is here, with my sob story, I also came here running back, things were pretty awful for a while, i'm sort of stabilizing myself for now.
I remember the business (bar right?) and money played a part in your M's problems. I also want all of the things you mentioned, but my H isn't capable right now of offering that. During this past year I've been carrying the M on my back while my H was barely trying (he admitted to it recently) and obviously things were not right.
Sometimes, the only one who will give us our place is ourselves. Moms go over and above the call of duty, and we end up all worn out and angry. Delegate responsibilies and let some things go (my house is in a state of semi-chaos, but I won't kill myself anymore cleaning bathrooms at 11pm if they can be done the next day or so)
Are finances the reason your H isn't giving to the M? depression perhaps? My H now knows that if our M is to survive he needs to pull his weight, but something awful had to happen for him to wake up *sigh* and see how half @ss we were living.
Hugs honey)))))))))))))) will keep an eye out for you
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Was on a trip last week, and then laptop was sent to be repaired. D8's bday party tomorrow, and yadda yadda yadda.
Will try to catch up with everyone tonight/tomorrow. Surely God has more in store than this (I keep telling myself, while trying hard to be thankful for the other things in life that are NOT falling all to hell).
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Cat, Mama, BI--just want y'all to know you're my heroes. You three have helped me more than you'll ever know. Sorry things are tough. Sorry we're all here. But it's nice to read your names again--I've missed each of you. Love and hugs.
I want to be home with my kids and not HAVE to work fulltime. Personally, the job-thing doesn't feed me where I live.
