Fired b/c of an Affair? Redeemed Career Possible?

[believing_isaiah43]

***I realize this is off-SSM topic, although I'm living in one, but I come here every day (and recommend it to posters in other forums) because of the intelligence and insight of the SSM regulars.***

Hi Friends,

Some of you may remember me from last year, most probably do not as I'm (sadly) a semi-oldtimer on the Infidelity board, and the Class of '06 has mostly moved on from here. BUT. I have a question my H posed to me in a discussion last night, and I knew I could come to the DB board to find what I need. I will be cross-posting this in several forums to reach more folks.

Brief backstory: my H had a short yet horrible A in Dec05-Jan06 and lost his job because of it. His job was upper management with lots of domestic/international travel, blah blah. I was able to be a Stay at Home mom.

When he lost his job, I had to go back to work, and have been the fulltime bacon-bringer since feb06. We both hate it. He's the stay at home dad, and is WONDERFUL at it - and so grateful to re-know the kids, since he used to travel so much. That's the blessing in it for him, yet as a man, he is not called to be the Pool Dad, or the lone dad in the carpool line at school every day. He's been looking for jobs NONstop locally and nationally since the day he was fired.

I gain some validation from working again after 7 years, but it's not where my heart lives. I want to be fulfilled through my M/R and be a domestic goddess. I want to be home with my kids and not HAVE to work fulltime. Personally, the job-thing doesn't feed me where I live.

Stick with me, I do have a point.

ALL THAT TO SAY: we were discussing all this last night for a while, as we tend to do, because our Piecing is basically non-existent on several levels, and a lot of it - besides our personal betrayal/hurt stuff (long stories) - is the fact that he really feels his 'life is over' as he's been unemployed for so long. He is disconnected from that part of his life, that is where Providing For His Family lives, as well has having a common goal with co-workers. He poured so much of himself/ his life into his job, and now that is gone with no closure. Former friends are now FORMER friends. He is VERY alone in this battle. People keep their distance from us, etc. All compounding his sense of loss, doom, and no redemption for him.

He's freelance consulting, but it's slow, and he thinks he will never get another job again -that's not manual labor or very random consulting stuff.

He said last night: Show me someone who ever got fired from his job because of an affair, and was able to get another job(aside from bagging groceries, or serving Fries With That).

He believes that no one will 'take a risk' on him b/c it comes down to a trust issue for any employer who learns of his past. And that this ONE event, out of an entirely blameless & successful work career, has defined him and ruined him.

I still think there is more to his story to be written, that it's not the end of the road; that God has not ended this part of his life permanently. That sooooooooo many people (sadly) have A's and some HAVE been fired and it's not the end of their world. He disagrees, and God-forbid, perhaps I'm an idiot not seeing reality?

SO: Does anyone around here know a story (yours, someone you know directly) where the man was fired because of an A, and was able to get another comparable-level job again in his life??

If anyone is marginally interested in more of my story, you can search my threads in reverse from my last one linked below in my signature, and also go to my blog, Adventures in Stepford where my H wrote several posts about his part of the story last year (before he got too discouraged to think in depth about it anymore)

Edited for Clarification:
It was a Christian organization, and this was a 'moral' failing. Can't sin and keep your job. (don't get me started). His job search has NOT included Christian corporations, and yet he has not gotten any 'hits'.

By contrast-
the OW, also married with small children - yet working in a 'secular' corporation - kept her high-level job.

[MrsNOP]

BI, I've followed your story and have read from your blog. Dear heavens, woman, consider yourself hugged and patted on the back with some "there, theres" thrown in for good measure.

He's freelance consulting, but it's slow, and he thinks he will never get another job again -that's not manual labor or very random consulting stuff.

He said last night: Show me someone who ever got fired from his job because of an affair, and was able to get another job(aside from bagging groceries, or serving Fries With That).

I ran across one on Marriage Builders, here's the LINK.. Scroll down and you'll see this:

"15. WS spouse was fired from his job because of this and actually felt relieved. It took him two months to find new employment, and went back to OW for one last f***. This is when the fog lifted for him. I didn't find out about the last contact until a year later. It was quite a setback. We have since healed, and our marriage is better than before. "

But, I think this question is a rabbit trail leading to futility. If he has sent out resumes with no hits, then unless he is stamping the envelope and the first page of each one with a scarlet "A" - then the companies he is contacting don't know.

I understand that the issue will probably come up during interviews, but there was no APB that went out to every corporation about your husband and his infidelity that is keeping them from contacting him. YKWIM? So, the affair cannot be blamed for the lack of responses.

NOP is an engineer. Over the years when caught in between career opportunities, in order to provide for us during those times, he has been a plumber and he has been a butcher. And he busted his butt to be the best plumber and best butcher he could be.

Being a plumber or a butcher is messy, nasty, hard physical labor. But there was no dishonor or degradation in wielding knife or shovel - those jobs provided food and shelter for the family.

And when the hard times got better, he went right back into engineering.

Is your husband applying for jobs (in his field) that are lower position-wise and pay-wise than the one he had? Is there some reason that he would not be capable of performing manual labor?

is the fact that he really feels his 'life is over' as he's been unemployed for so long. He is disconnected from that part of his life, that is where Providing For His Family lives, as well has having a common goal with co-workers. He poured so much of himself/ his life into his job, and now that is gone with no closure. Former friends are now FORMER friends. He is VERY alone in this battle. People keep their distance from us, etc. All compounding his sense of loss, doom, and no redemption for him.

Okay, I don't know how to tiptoe around this. Everything you wrote up there indicates that his attitude is still "all about me". His pain, his career, his friends, his life, his doom...

Of course, there isn't a lot you personally can do to offset that on his behalf. Would he consider having an email correspondance with NOP?

MrsNOP -

[Cobra]

BI,

How old is your H? The age factor could have more to do with getting a new job than anything, even though it is strictly illegal to base hiring practice on age. There are certain question that are illegal for a prospective employer to ask, age being one. The ONLY information a prior employer is allowed to divulge about an ex-employee is their name, dates of employment and last position held. It is illegal for a company to say why a person was let go. So as MrsNop says, the affair should not have any bearing whatsoever on the interview unless your husband volunteers the information.

[Gina]

Let me start off by saying I am in human resources and spend most of my time interviewing and hiring. I really think it is very unlikely that the reason your H is not getting a job due to the A. Actually, I am sort of surprised he got fired for having a A. The company (and most companies I network with) view employees personal life as just that, personal. Also, as a HR proffessional I would be concerned about the fired employees response to being terminated for that reason but maybe since it is a Christian organization they can justify it more. Regardless, I don't see it as a reason to fire someone unless it affected their work in someway but that is just IMHO!

Okay, back to him not finding employment. It is more then likely that the companies he is applying to will never find out about the A (unless he discloses the information). It is usually up to company policy but most companies will only give out employment verifications. Meaning position(s) held and employment dates. Most will not answer any other questions, including the eligible for rehire and why did they leave questions. This is because former employees can sue for slander etc and most companies are fearful of this happening so this is the way to protect themselves. Even if the company your H did work for does not employ this type of policy I am not sure they would release all of the details of why he was termed for the same reasons. Also, I am not sure other companies would hold it against him when making hiring decisions.

I do have a few questions: Has your H been on interviews? How does he answer the question of why he left his previous position? What type of jobs is he looking for? Meaning, you said he was in upper management. Is he looking for the same exact type of work and won't settle for anything less? If so that could be part of the problem. He may need to take a step or two down to build back up to where he was. I know it is probably not what he wants to do but it is the way it usually works.

Hope that helps! Let me know the answer to those questions and I would be happy to share my insight with you from the other side of the hiring fence...

[believing_isaiah43]

MrsNOP,
Thanks ever so much for your thoughtful reply. I feel like I got a personalized autograph from someone famous! ha! You and NOP are my SSM/DB heroes. I do agree that H is somewhat in "wallow" mode, a/k/a The Pit of sorts that Chrome is talking about on his thread. Hard to see out of that.

But also, there is much reality to what he perceives/what is hurting him. He has always been a person who doesn't keep much contact with friends/coworkers past where he currently is. SO. All of his life connections were with the people at his job. Lost that, they quit calling, didn't reach out. Double hurt as he is alone. He even asked 2 specific people to be an accountability partner to him (post-firing, but still in A) to help him get out. They agreed, and NEVER CALLED HIM AGAIN. WTF is that? Ugh. That was a bad time. Let's add to the mix that he is an only child (as am I), so there is no 'backup' of family to be supportive and come alongside him there. He's just wounded, and while I want SO badly for him to 'buck up' and come out of it right now, thankyouverymuch, there are factors that don't help the cause. Plus it will be TWO years in December. Very hard to keep the faith for so long with no reinforcement.

I would love (LOVE, like you do not know) for H to email with NOP, but he is so gunshy it's scary. Every time he's raised his head up to look for some help, it gets lopped off by some bullsh*t comment or action by someone he's reached out to. He trusts no one to 'get it'. He's dying for someone to reach out to him, encourage him, and walk with him, especially someone who's had an A (which is not NOP, obviously) but they don't exactly raise their hands for the job.

CRAP, I'm late for work! Cobra and Gina, I'll get to your posts tonight (12 hour shifts, yawn). Thanks to all who posted, I knew the SSM board would be helpful.

[chromosphere]

believing,

Maybe we could help each other. I think I get what he is going through. His choice, but if he wants he could email me at [e-mail] or post somewhere (I'm not adverse to posting on another MB if he is comfortable with that).

Chrome

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Corporate America once you are out of it is tough to get back into. Age is a definite factor, In the company I retired from affairs are discreet and if causes disruption then the male generally gets sent to the farthest outpost but we were very conserative.

Gina has some good points and possibly the info from the last job can be a factor.

After discovering Corporate IT generally hires youngsters I actually took a temp job as a beach lifeguard and it has done wonders for esteem building after a MidEast deployment immediately followed by a divorce two years ago.

Have your H take account of his strengths and weaknesses and look in another direction. Trust me life is too short to go back to something that is not fullfilling and a high standard of living is not worth wasting your most precisious resource. Time.

Best Wishes

[MrsNOP]

Your hubby needs someone to talk to and I think it would help him greatly to talk to another man. So, I'm (snort) volunteering NOP - with his knowledge, of course.

Shoot us an email, you can reach us at [e-mail] and we can talk more.

MrsNOP -

[believing_isaiah43]

Still here. Working much and laptop hard drive dying, had to send it off for repair yesterday. SO. Here I am at the very public kitchen desktop surfing the boards. Not a lot of time for long posts. What did I ever do w/out a laptop in bed with wireless internet?

Enough whining, moving on.

MrsNOP & Chrome, I would love to have this correspondence happen, I have 3 offers for an email correspondence with my H (your 2, and theoden off the infidelity boards - all 3 people who are dear to me, as much as internet friends can be). All 3 with much to contribute, and I am thrilled with each of them. :::smooch:::

I am bumfuzzled as to how to approach this, as perhaps 3 different 'strangers' to H suddenly will be approaching his private personal space - which he is now more protective of than ever b/c so many people he counted as 'friends' judged him and checked out.

Even now, he saw his old boss at church last week and mentioned how much he missed being a PART OF something via work, and this boss went on some random tangent about how that was prideful, etc. and just lopped the head off that my H had tentatively stuck out of the sand. F*cker. That just infuriates me. And makes reaching out/trusting that much more difficult the next time.

Gotta pack lunches and take precious cargo to school. Hope to check in again later. Any insights welcome.

[chromosphere]

Believing,

I've only got a second. I can GUARANTEE you that I won't judge him. NOP will do a MUCH better job than me at teaching him how to be manly and will wield 2x4s more skillfully than me, but I can definitely be an understanding shoulder to cry on, and someone who is also dealing with the aftermath of sticking his head up his a$$ ... repeatedly. I don't know the other fellow you mentioned, maybe he is the same as me. But I do understand depression and emotional infidelity and low self-esteem. It is your H's choice though. Maybe if you told him who we are and what we can offer to him, he could make a choice of where he wants to go with it.

I do remember how hard it was for me to reach out the first time to my first C. It was worth it.

Chrome