This week at my new job was mostly administrative. All the paperwork, security, id.
BF FINALLY heard back from XGF - she and their D are coming over on Monday. He is going to talk to XGF about normal, standard visitation. He plans to have the paperwork out that states what the normal visitation is in our county. I told him, as a suggestion - he can tell her that the longer they can go without having to file anything in court - the more money and time they save each other. That way they don't have to pay any lawyers or court fees and they don't have to take off work.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
My input here (for what its worth). It NEEDS to be put in writing. There is too much at stake. Both parties have been inconsistent and unreliable. Both need to make a commitment to the child. The amount paid to the L is minor compared to what is at stake.
No, despite the fact this is not your dispute. The 2 people involved need to do better for the little girl.
Well, from what we've been told and what I've read - the standard visitation rules/order should apply without a court order. It might be possible that if they both sign the papers and have them notorized that it would be ok without having to actually file the paperwork since neither of them are disputing paternity or anything. Not sure. Not my problem. I'll help if asked.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
I haven't had much chance actually. Seen it in the building tour last week. 6+ weeks of training schedule 8-4:30/3:30ish. Still learning how to gain access to things and such. My head is spinning
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Well, found out why BF'S XGF hasn't called or anything.
Here's what happened tonight. His XGF called an hour late to say they were now on their way. BF's D was shy as usual. He took her in the basement to show her the snake. I just sat watching tv and his XGF and her husband watched with me. Some small talk. Before they were getting ready to go, BF got the standard visitation papers to show XGF. She got a little choked up asking if now he wanted to go to court. He said no, that this was just what the standard visitation is and it's been 2 months since he seen D (i was so proud, he was speaking up for himself and all). XGF sat quiet for a few minutes then started freaking out - crying, screaming, yelling in my living room about how the reason she hasn't called or brought D around is that she has been working nonstop since D's b-day and that her H won't take a 2nd job and he accumulated over $12,000 of debt in the first 2 years of the marriage. (At this point, I told D that she and I needed to go say goodbye to the snake in the basement. I had to turn the stereo up to cover her mother, BF'S XGF's yelling). XGF started yelling about how - because HE (BF) wouldn't marry her and now she and her H have talked about divorce but she can't because she can't afford the house without him and she talked about the loss she took when she took the child support settlement in regards to her debt. (After they left I told BF, the debt that she and her H accumulated were WHILE BF was paying his CS. The CS is to put food on D's plate, clothes on D's back - not to necessarily pay any/every debt that XGF and her H made)
I think it was good for several reasons that I had the sense to take D out of the situation. For the obvious reasons that she didn't need to be witness to all of the yelling, crying, etc. But also that if I stayed in my own living room I would have said SOMETHING. I would have said that none of her and her H's problems are ANY of our business. That this has nothing to do with D, which is the only reason they were there. That D doesn't need to be witness to any of that. That there are things more important in life than just paying debt. That THIS is the reason that BF didn't want to and never did want to marry her. I would have just let it all out.
I told BF after they left - I'm here to help him and I can gather whatever information he wants/needs. I told him he has a lot of thinking to do because ESPECIALLY after that outburst tonight. In all honesty - unbiased, with all the information if he was willing to commit the time, effort, etc he would probably have little problem getting if not all, then at minimum joint custody.
My mom just feels bad for me that I'm in the sitch. I'm grateful that I'm able to help someone - BF/D. I think a professional needs to help XGF. This is the 3rd outburst she's had in front of me. 1) when their D was first born and I went with BF (at the time he was my XBF, I was with my now XH - at the time fiancee) 2) one of the previous times she, her H brought D for a visit and she had an outburst regarding her H's purchase of a video game 3) tonight - utter and complete breakdown with complete disregard of her D sitting right next to her. ARGH
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
TMW, Why does she stay when BF visits D? And, why doesn't he go get D rather than XGF bringing D to him? Unless there's something in the paperwork that BF can't be alone with D, there is no reason for XGF to be there. And, it is not XGF's responsibility to bring D for BF to visit.
I glad you had the presence of mind to get his D away from all the commotion but the chance of her behavior being repeated whould diminish if BF picked up D and didn't have to deal with XGF except for pickup and dropoff.
Qoe - No idea. She says it's up to D if she wants to visit alone. I don't think so. Last night she said that again and BF told her no - that even if they went to court, D wouldn't have a say in the matter.
Up to this point he didn't want to ruffle any feathers, but he and I are both sick of having to entertain XGF and her H instead of focusing on D like the visitation should be. D acts completely different around XGF and her H. She is more shy and doesn't talk to us until she is one on one with us. Or, for example at her b-day party when she wouldn't say thank you to anyone - BF picked her up and walked her to each individual person and she said thank you.
It's been so touchy and it's hard to know when and how to say certain things and we certainly had absolutely no idea that an outburst like last night would occur. It was so...uncalled for, childish, so many things. I slept last night and thought I'd cool down by now - but only a little. I just can't believe that more than 6 years later, in front of her H, her D, myself and BF that she is still screaming and crying about how BF wouldn't marry her. She's the one who kicked him out to begin with! Geesh.
Gotta go eat before work
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
(After they left I told BF, the debt that she and her H accumulated were WHILE BF was paying his CS. The CS is to put food on D's plate, clothes on D's back - not to necessarily pay any/every debt that XGF and her H made)
You know, I hate to say it, but I think you're wrong here. No, your BF isn't responsible for XGF's husband's debt - BUT - if XGF had ALL the child support she was owed, she might be in a better place financially now. To my way of thinking, your BF still owes her for the remainder of the child support that he didn't pay. SHE had to spend that money on diapers and food and housing etc.
I don't know what BF is spending in child support now, but in most places, child support doesn't beging to cover half of the real expenses of child rearing. XGF is right - part of her financial woes now are due to BF bagging on her when she got pregnant, and failing to pay his child support. If BF were to be a real man and pay the rest of his child support, perhaps that would enable her to get out of a bad marriage - which would be better for BF's D.
As for the visitation alone - this 4 year old doesn't know BF very well yet. I don't blame the mom for wanting to be there during visitation. Over time that should change, but no mom worth her salt would leave her child with a person that is essentially a stranger to that child. Building that R will take time (and yes, I know XGF hasn't been too cooperative in building that R, but BF wasn't too proactive in pursuing it in the past either.)
I'm sorry that you're in the middle of this mess, but don't make excuses for BF. If he were an honorable man, HE would take a second job to pay back all the past child support that he owes. Period. HONORABLE MEN pay their debts!
