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A Message from Michele
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Re: Well here I am.... [Re: Nugget] #1166367
08/17/07 01:22 PM
08/17/07 01:22 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
*KS*Chick* Offline OP
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*KS*Chick*  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
Cog - thanks for your insight. \:\) I'll apologize in advance for the long post.

This is all just so weird.....like one of those swirly flashbacks.....

Got home from work, H was there because he watched D last night. He unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded it. (why??) but he looked so sad. I figured out last night that I've given up hope. I had hope, even with his plan. Now I have none. So I'm working on the things that need to still be split, etc. I emptied out his bathroom cabinet last night, along with the few clothes he had in the dresser and closet. I left them at the top of the stairs for him. He took them home. I have such heartburn and this stupid lump in my throat.

I remember telling him before the "plan" that if we got a divorce, he would think I didn't love him anymore because I would stop talking to him. He made me feel bad - as if I would let my pride overrule a possible reconcilliation. And now this?!

I heard this song this morning ....


Hinder - How Long?

Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
How long till this goes away
I try to remember to forget you
But I break down every time I do
It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away

I can't seem to get my heart over you
Cause you creep into everything I do
And now I'm dying to know
How he touches you
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away
She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
With one finger
I said f*** that

I can tell you're lying when your lips move
Cause of one lie it's not me it's you
It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away

She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
With one finger
With one finger
I said f*** that


....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am
I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon
~ Avril Lavigne ~
..."Nobody's Fool"...

me=ok /D'd since 7/07
D=ok
Re: Well here I am.... [Re: *KS*Chick*] #1166444
08/17/07 02:23 PM
08/17/07 02:23 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 199
Canada
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Sigh Offline
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Sigh  Offline
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Posts: 199
Canada
Quote:
I do wish people would stop telling me I need to find someone else. I'm SO not ready for someone else and as of right now, doubt I'll ever be ready again...


KS, don't even worry about that right now. Of course people are going to tell you to find someone else, they want you to be happy and they know how much you are hurting.

Quote:
I know now, that all I can do is work on me. I'm working on getting out of debt, getting into shape, and being the best mom I can be.


That is your focus, and they are some good goals. Keep your chin up and try not to find all of the answers right now, you will get overwhelmed.

Here is a song I have been listening to the past couple of weeks...I can relate to it, and I think you will too

Whitney Houston - Step by Step

Well there's a bridge and there's a river that I still must cross
As I'm going on my journey
Oh, I might be lost

And there's a road I have to follow, a place I have to go
Well no-one told me just how to get there
But when I get there I'll know
Cuz I'm taking it

Chorus:
Step By Step, Bit by Bit,
Stone By Stone (Yeah), Brick by Brick (Oh, yeah)
Step By Step, Day By Day, Mile by mile (ooh, ooh, ooh)

And this old road is rough and ruined
So many dangers along the way
So many burdens might fall upon me
So many troubles that I have to face

Oh, but I won't let my spirit fail me
Oh, I won't let my spirit go
Until I get to my destination
I'm gonna take it slowly cuz I'm making it mine

Chorus:
Step By Step (you know I'm taking it), bit by bit (bit by bit, come move),
stone by stone (yeah), brick by brick (brick by brick by brick by brick mmm...)
Step by step (step by step uh-huh), day by day (day by day-ee),
mile by mile (ooh), go your own way.

Say it, baby, don't give up
You got to hold on to what you got,
Oh, baby, don't give up,
You got to keep on moving on don't stop (yeah yeah).
I know you're hurting, and i know you're blue,
i know you're hurting but don't let the bad things get to you.

Chorus:
I'm taking it step by step (ohohoh), bit by bit (bit by bit come move),
stone by stone (stone by stone yeah), brick by brick (brick by brick by brick by brick),
Step by step (i'm gonna take it now),day by day (day by day-ee),
mile by mile (ooh), go your own way!

(c'mon baby got to keep moving),
i'm taking it step by step), bit by bit,
stone by stone (yeah, stone by stone), brick by brick
c'mon baby,
step by step keep on moving, day by day (day by day-ee),
mile by mile by mile by mile,go your own way,
c'mon baby got to keep moving, bit by bit (bit by bit, bit by bit)....


(((Hugs))

Take Care

Re: Well here I am.... [Re: Sigh] #1166449
08/17/07 02:26 PM
08/17/07 02:26 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
*KS*Chick* Offline OP
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*KS*Chick*  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
Thanks Sigh


....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am
I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon
~ Avril Lavigne ~
..."Nobody's Fool"...

me=ok /D'd since 7/07
D=ok
Re: Well here I am.... [Re: *KS*Chick*] #1166790
08/17/07 06:44 PM
08/17/07 06:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
*KS*Chick* Offline OP
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*KS*Chick*  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
random thoughts....and my blog....I wish I didn't feel like throwing up all the time. My emotions are still so raw and so close to the edge. Stupid things make me tear up or cry. When will this end???????

10:52 AM - and lyrics......
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Blogging


It's funny. I've been thinking about so many things. So many emotions going through my mind. Every second it seems to change. Makes it hard to feel "normal"....

I have anger, sadness and I've lost hope & faith in someone. I never thought that would happen. I guess we're human. We're not supposed to put our faith in others, but damn it I did. And I feel foolish for that. I believed.

I forgot -- I wanted to add this too. It's funny. One day I was in church during worship service and had this vision. It was like a dream, but I was wide awake, singing. (possibly scared folks nearby but...)

So - in this vision, I was standing, worshipping. And he walks up behind me, puts his hand on my shoulder and says "sorry it took me so long to get here"......made me cry and still does. WHY do I get a vision like that......how do you continue to hold out hope when you're told there's nothing left there? The love that needs to be there, isn't? How do you hold out hope after something like that?

Anyhow - more
Kelly Clarkson.....Sober.

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers


....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am
I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon
~ Avril Lavigne ~
..."Nobody's Fool"...

me=ok /D'd since 7/07
D=ok
Re: Well here I am.... [Re: *KS*Chick*] #1167478
08/18/07 01:20 PM
08/18/07 01:20 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
*KS*Chick* Offline OP
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*KS*Chick*  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
still feel like throwing up, but am also angry. I had texted a few times that we need to split up our bills and discuss visitation, holidays with D, etc.

No freaking reply. Nothing at all since Thursday night. Why does that make me hate him? It's just so easy for him to throw 13 years away.

Lots of anger......


....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am
I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon
~ Avril Lavigne ~
..."Nobody's Fool"...

me=ok /D'd since 7/07
D=ok
Re: Well here I am.... [Re: *KS*Chick*] #1167514
08/18/07 02:13 PM
08/18/07 02:13 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 10,147
Memphis, TN
S
sofaraway Offline
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Posts: 10,147
Memphis, TN
The first sign of independence for me was not caring whether or not my W responded. If i asked for something and she didnt respond, I progressed the way that I wanted to.

Start splitting your bills the way that you want to do it if he is failing to respond. If he continues to not go to change the cable, simply mail call them and change the billing address to wherever he is living and let him deal with it. You have divorce papers to show that you are not responsible for that bill anymore and if he doesnt pay it and it gets shut off, you can have it turned on in your name at that point.

That stomach ache and crap, is about you knowing what steps you must take now and being scared to take them. Just leap UA, do what you know you need to do and you will start to feel better and better.

Ian


M- 48
XW- mentally 17
KIDS- 3- S19, D23, D28
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09

Re: Well here I am.... [Re: sofaraway] #1167546
08/18/07 02:52 PM
08/18/07 02:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
*KS*Chick* Offline OP
Member
*KS*Chick*  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
The bills are split - they're all mine. But two things are in his name. I also need to know what holidays he wants - Halloween, etc. because those are important to me....and I don't know if they are to him...


....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am
I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon
~ Avril Lavigne ~
..."Nobody's Fool"...

me=ok /D'd since 7/07
D=ok
Re: Well here I am.... [Re: *KS*Chick*] #1167552
08/18/07 03:00 PM
08/18/07 03:00 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 3,211
eastern ma
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SallyM Offline
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 3,211
eastern ma
KS, have you tried calling the company directly? maybe they can just switch to your name, w/o needing him to call? not sure if that is possible, but worth a shot if you haven't tried.

as for holidays, maybe make out a fair sounding schedule and e-mail it to him. I did that way back when we first separated. I know, way ahead of myself there, but holidays are important to me and I wanted to sort them out (also, gave me control over something, when I had so little elsewhere).

good luck.


M-41
H-38
M-10 years, T-14 years
Bomb-PA 3/19/07
Separated-6/7/07
Piecing/h back home 5/08
S-6
S-4
D-4

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"

-Mary Anne Radmacher
Re: Well here I am.... [Re: SallyM] #1167567
08/18/07 03:25 PM
08/18/07 03:25 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
*KS*Chick* Offline OP
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*KS*Chick*  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,916
Kansas...
nope he has to be there in person for these last two things.....even with a divorce decree.


....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am
I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon
~ Avril Lavigne ~
..."Nobody's Fool"...

me=ok /D'd since 7/07
D=ok
Re: Well here I am.... [Re: *KS*Chick*] #1167616
08/18/07 05:13 PM
08/18/07 05:13 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 10,147
Memphis, TN
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sofaraway Offline
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sofaraway  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 10,147
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UA, do a schedule the way you want it, send it to him and his lawyer, and let him respond in kind. Quit waiting on him, he's being ridiculous......


Ian


M- 48
XW- mentally 17
KIDS- 3- S19, D23, D28
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09

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