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chicki Offline OP
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Well i knew my thread had locked but was waiting for something new & exciting to write about & for some reason I've the feeling here lately that H might be doing some seriuos thinking after I told him last week to hurry up & file before the agreement expire AGAIN. Even though D was not what I truly wanted I was getting to the point of givng up hope & detaching so well that I felt I was ready to move forward w/out him.

Ofcoarse all of this is easier said than done especially when he is no longer living w/ me. I really knew just how I felt last night when H & I were talking via IM. OFF SUBJETC BTW- how does one validate when most of your convos r via IM? I can understand when talking face to face & saying I hear you & you repeat it back,but what does one do when your READING the words?

Anywho, After he says he will not come over lastnight to see the girls b/c he does not feel well & explains he has had a headache all day & promblems w/ his blood pressure. I was worried for him b/c I knew he had driven the motorcycle to work. He says we have to talk. He has only said this now for the second time since 9 months ago. He hates to talk about our stich. Says allthis worrying about the house being behind and everything else (meaning us). I think Ow might be presuring him also(not for sure) to get the D. He asked if I wanted him to file. I said that he always says I have not changed and things will never be the same & I can't change his mind. I said your in love w/ soemone else & we can no longer be. He said no not completely??WTH? So he does not love her fully?? YEah right. He said he wants his kids. I told him he will see them on his visitations. H- Well fine is that what you want? We kept back & forth what do YOU want? Like he wants ME to make his descion. Then he said I want what is best for my kids. I asked do you still have feelings for me? He said I still care for you. I felt like calling him a PIG right there and then & saying so I am good enough to try & FU**,but you only CARE FOR ME!! I didn't though!

So it sounds like to me he only wants to be back for the kids....:( In one way I looked at this as a baby step b/c he no longer says the kids will be fine no matter what,but in the other sense I don't want him back for all the wrong reasons. I can also look at it in another way- if he is back it will give me a chance to DB & to fill his love tank!! Everyone here is always saying that it takes time for their love for us to come back fully & we have to show them the way.

Guys, I need your awesome advice here!! I honestly thought I was getting over him until this. I felt that knife jab in my heart AGAIN like the first time of the bomb!!!

I can see how this lifestyle is really taking a toll on his health. H was always very healthy & will not se the doc for anthing & now he has been to the ER (sent form his work) & he will be seeing the doc next week. I hope he is seeing what I had told him long ago that his promblem will not go away just b/c he gets another woman. His promblems will follow him wherever he new address is.

He talked to the girls for a while & then said he would be by tomorrow & will cont our talk. Last time we had a R talk he did not want to continue it any longer b/c he said it hurts too much to talk about.

Help!! I have to watch my words tonight!!

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chicki Offline OP
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P.s. one more thing I also told him that I had stopped praying for most of all for our M ,but for first of all the salvation of his soul since I would like to see him UP there when the time comes. His response was well pray tonight that I make the right desicion. I guess this time he really IS making a descion once and for all.

Wish me luck tonight!!

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More journaling:

I know H seems to be missing the "family home life" even though OW onhis turn w/ the girls seems to be trying really hard to fill my wifely duties. When H was home we would never all sit together at hte table, for one there isn't enough tables for five,but H did like to eat infron of the tv. At Ow house they all sit (big table) together and one of the girls usually does the grace hypocrites,OW? He is doing all the outings we stopped doing as a family along time ago, ex- zoo,movies,resturants. So he has built a lot of goood new "family" memories w/ OW.

In the past week H has complimented be more and more on my cooking. He knows I don't offer for him to eat w/ ius anymore,but lately he will taste some and make a good comment"your cooking is gettign better or can you beleive I've missed your cooking! The night before last on his ususal day to visit I think he was waiting for me to say he can sit down and make himself a plate after he tasted. He replied well I am not that hungry I had a big lunch that is still in the middle of my throat. He still served himself a plate and saw that D10 had finished and told her to move, he actually sat w/ all of us to eat and talk about his day.He was really in a good mood that day, he even told D10 to take her of mommy & she said why? B/c your the oldest now here an dits your job to. He leaned over and gave me a big kiss on the cheek (had been a while since that).

I still say things are peachy rosey over at OW b/c she does not have her daughter fulltime during the summer (which H had complained about her before). So things should return back to normal after shcool starts &OW gets her daughter back.

She must make good $ also (big factor for H, less $ to worry about).OW offered to help him in the house payments!! She is beign so goooood to him. How can he not be in love w/ her? It's been too long to still be in the infatuation phase, he said he's past that. So what gives?? I asked if he was going to take OW up on her offer to help w/ the house payments & he said no that is not her promblem it is btw you & me.

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Hey chicki,

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but got busy for a little bit. I hope your night went well!

I think that you should still make sure that if H wants to come back (and you want him back), he needs to be 110% committed to facing and dealing with his anger and control issues. Until he does this, I don't think your R/M will get to a point where both of you can be happy. Yes, you will have to do the lion's share of the work in getting him back, and having him there would allow you to DB and fill his love tank, but I see a a fair amount of poor communication going at times, esp when H gets angry. I'd like to know your thoughts on all of this.

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In the past week H has complimented be more and more on my cooking. He knows I don't offer for him to eat w/ ius anymore,but lately he will taste some and make a good comment"your cooking is gettign better or can you beleive I've missed your cooking!


This is great! I'm not sure what how to read his comment that he "still cares about you," but he might have left it at that because flat out saying "I love you" is opening a giant can of worms. He is checking out the picnic while staying very close to his castle.

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He was really in a good mood that day, he even told D10 to take her of mommy & she said why? B/c your the oldest now here an dits your job to. He leaned over and gave me a big kiss on the cheek (had been a while since that).


Again, this is very good stuff (as well as the sitting down with you guys, eating and talking about his day). I would caution you to monitor these changes in him -- make sure he's not thinking quick fix. These kinds of things need to last, right?

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She must make good $ also (big factor for H, less $ to worry about).OW offered to help him in the house payments!! She is beign so goooood to him. How can he not be in love w/ her? It's been too long to still be in the infatuation phase, he said he's past that. So what gives?? I asked if he was going to take OW up on her offer to help w/ the house payments & he said no that is not her promblem it is btw you & me.


Your pysching yourself out here. What gives is that he's now debating what he wants to do. You need to stay happy, upbeat, confident, calm, etc, and make yourself someone he would never want to leave. Remind him of the girl he fell in love with in the first place and what he's going to be missing out on if he decides to D. And bring your sexy back too! ;\)

GD


Me:29 XW:27
T: 10 M: 7 (2 kids)
Sep: 11/06/06 D'd: 12/07/07
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chicki Offline OP
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GD thanks again! I can always count on you to put things into perspective for me.


Well since last night was going to be the last night MIL was going to be in town H asked if he could just pick up the kids & take them over there to her and spend some time w/his mom. I said sure & thought for sure he will return late & agian no resolution to our R talk that we seem to start,but never finish.
So indeed he brought them back & put them to bed. I had on one of my sexy nighties that H has not seen me in in along time (I know tease,huh)?,but I had on my robe over it so he can see just enough but not all! Backing up a little- when he came in before putting the girls to bed I noticed him looking at one of "my girls" that was poking out of the robe ya know what I mean.... he was checking me out. When he returned to kiss me on the cheeck he leaned over and covered me up a little w/ my robe & said jokingly cover up please I dont want to see those things...
he he

God he looked the worse I have ever seen him... he really looked worn out/washed out I cant explain....

OH!! the most important part of the night!!! Before D10 & I went to sleep (she sleeps w/ me) she said daddy had all his clothes in his trunk????? D7 asked him why & he said b/c he wants to return home he misses home!! I am assuming he went home at lunch & took his stuff b/c yesturday he took a two hour lunch.

H is too full of pride to admit if anything is going wrong in his R w/ OW. I dont ask, but he wont say either. I know he has been taking about returning back for a while now & aslo attempting to have sex w/ me (but Ithink its to test the waters per say w/ me). How can he say he only "cares for me" & wants to have sex? I guess its the casual sex w/ out any feelings kinda thing....I feel like throwing that at him and calling him a PIG for it,, BUT I wont. I will do so here though!!PIG! PIG! PIG!!!!

Maybe they got into a huge fight? I dont know I dont want to disect or analize anything either.....

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Chicki

We men are so simple. Not sure I get it. Do you want to have sex with him or not. Nightie says yes, Pig Pig Pig says dont touch me? If he put his clothes in the trunk and said what he said to an innocent, which is the wrong way to play it IMHO (using the kids maybe), he may very well be ready to come home. I think WAW said it right, men generally have no will power when it comes to women and sex. Having said that, I dont think it is as "casual" as you make it sound.

Again, men are really not that hard to understand on this topic. Yes, of course he will do this if you are offering but more than that, sounds like there is something here so keep playing hard to get, not "tease and no", that's not fair!

Just my 2 cents, toss it if it does not make sense / apply.

CVA


Me: 46
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D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7
Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07
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Chicki--

I agree: H may want to come home, but his pride may be getting in the way. Maybe now's the time, if he chooses to have another relationship talk, in person, just to lend a sympathetic ear. Your H always sounded like his sex drive would be the last thing to go, but he actually sounds pretty worn out and sick at this point. The OW is obviously not a totally successful experiment for him.

I sympathize with your angry feelings. Something's going to have to happen to turn those around, I'm guessing, before the two of you can really work things out. At some point--maybe not right now--you might even be able to tell him, calmly, that it hurts you to be told that he "cares" about you--instead of "ILY". But, as GD said, he may be just testing out the waters. He may be too stubborn to say the words.

Frankly, I think he does love you. I don't think it's love that the two of you lack. You and H (especially H) need to figure out some less stressful way to live together.

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chicki Offline OP
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Yeah H even told the girls that he wants to move backin but mommy won't let him.

I guess the reason I say PIG is b/c most men on this board have adviced me from the beginning to stop giving him sex (before I kicked him out)b/c he was having sex w/ two women if I kept doing it he will not stop the affair, why should he when he is getting what he wants from TWO women! SO at the begining I was weak too. This was where we had not trouble in-sex department. I was always very sexual & he admitted that we were good there.

But I really wasn't trying to tease on purpose the other night b/c I had my robe on and normally I do not have my PJs on but it was late when he returned w/ the girls.

I did learn frromn all of this that H want me to experiment more sexually,something he never told me about but now says "I should have known"...hmmm don't you guys complain you aren't mind readers??? i know i am generalizing.... but my thing is has all the excitiment started to wear off now thats been 5 months living w/ her?

His affair was a strong EA first and I know they had a good freindship. So I have to build a freindship up since that is where we lacked (communication).

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Chicki--

When the two of you finally get it together in the areas of love and communication, and respectful behavior, your sex life is going to be hotter than a pistol. That is, if your H hasn't half killed himself with the stress of living the wild, free life.

Once you feel sure of his love, and he feels sure of your love, the fact that YOU are experimenting is going to be a major turn on for both of you. I'd be ready to bet on it.

Your building the friendship up is just what needed to happen. Just keep working on that, and I'm sure he'll start to respond to you with friendship. He already sounds friendlier, and more considerate of you.

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Hey chicki.....if he REALLY wanted to move back in the house with you and the kids....he would dump the skank and be done with it....but we KNOW it is not that easy. He is looking at the money aspect of things. YOU said so yourself, as far as money is concerned. Why should he give up relations with the dirty whore when he can butter you up with mediocre comments about your cooking and the peck to the cheek?

I know you said that his health is so-so but looking at your sitch......man....it is a give and take thing right now. You are gonna have to sit down and re-evaluate the WHOLE thing. Make a list, check it twice.....weigh the goods and the bads and see if anything....ANYTHING has truly changed, what has changed and what NEEDS to change.

Right now....to me...as a male....he's got his cake....and eating it with seconds at the other place......catch my drift?


Man who walks with BIG stick!
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