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A Message from Michele
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Picking up my daughter...... [Re: ~Sol] #1137200
07/19/07 12:48 AM
07/19/07 12:48 AM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,442
VA
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~Sol Offline OP
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~Sol  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,442
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I am thinking about all the negative crap my W has done over the years. I know that I had a part in it too, but thinking about what a bitch she was is helping me to forget about her.

Today I went to pick up my daughter, and I didn't say a word to her, I just waited outside her sh***y porch. My daughter took a while to come outside, but I waited patiently, and waited some more. My daughter finally came out, and I just walked to the car with her.

Next time I will just say "hi" and "bye" to my wife, and nothing more.

My daughter told me today that perhaps I need to marry someone else so I won't fight with "mommy" anymore, and my daughter said she was OK with me being with someone else. It was her own little thought. I asked her if my wife had something to do with this, but she said no, so even my little girl sees that I don't get along with "mommy" and I would be happier being with someone new. Kids are smarter than we think. Perhaps there is a great deal of wisdom in my little 8 year old's brain.


~Sol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Single Dad, and luvin it!
~ Happiness is a state of mind ~

Going Dark.....a bit [Re: ~Sol] #1137826
07/19/07 07:20 PM
07/19/07 07:20 PM
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Posts: 2,442
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~Sol Offline OP
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I have thought about this for a while, I know Ian will chime in and say his piece.

I am going dark.

Reasons?
*Too many confrontational arguments over petty stuff

*W likes to badger me and push my buttons

*I let her (need to control myself)

*W still wants to control her H.....ME, and the sitch

*I hate this separation

*I need time alone to reflect and calm down a lot more

*I have too many things going on

*She makes herself at home in the house and still has a trailer to retreat to

*Sex is out the window (but that's a given when she left and stopped going to therapy to work on the M)......I just had to throw this one in there....


I am not going full-blown dark, but dark enough to not deal with her if I don't have to. No more going out, shooting the breeze, nothing. Just "hi" and "bye". I can't even stand to enter to run-down mobile home. She has all kinds of guys over to "help her fix the place up". I see that she is capable of taking care of herself, yet she constantly nick picks at me when there is no need to - again, it comes down to her wanting "control" of me.

Besides, I am still P.O.ed by all of this, and I need a break from her. I am also trynig to figure out if I want to be with her at all. I am finding out that there is too much irreparable damage, and I would be insane to stay with her anyway. I am thinking long and hard.



~Sol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Single Dad, and luvin it!
~ Happiness is a state of mind ~

Re: Going Dark.....a bit [Re: ~Sol] #1138040
07/19/07 10:39 PM
07/19/07 10:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 10,147
Memphis, TN
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sofaraway Offline
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Originally Posted By: ~Sol
I have thought about this for a while, I know Ian will chime in and say his piece.

I am going dark.

Reasons?
*Too many confrontational arguments over petty stuff

*W likes to badger me and push my buttons

*I let her (need to control myself)

*W still wants to control her H.....ME, and the sitch

*I hate this separation

*I need time alone to reflect and calm down a lot more

*I have too many things going on

*She makes herself at home in the house and still has a trailer to retreat to

*Sex is out the window (but that's a given when she left and stopped going to therapy to work on the M)......I just had to throw this one in there....


I am not going full-blown dark, but dark enough to not deal with her if I don't have to. No more going out, shooting the breeze, nothing. Just "hi" and "bye". I can't even stand to enter to run-down mobile home. She has all kinds of guys over to "help her fix the place up". I see that she is capable of taking care of herself, yet she constantly nick picks at me when there is no need to - again, it comes down to her wanting "control" of me.

Besides, I am still P.O.ed by all of this, and I need a break from her. I am also trynig to figure out if I want to be with her at all. I am finding out that there is too much irreparable damage, and I would be insane to stay with her anyway. I am thinking long and hard.



Your right Sol, I will chime in. I will tell you that it is about fricken time dude. Go as dark as humanly possible. Only interact on a need to basis, kid swapping and such.

Not for nothing, but maybe quit thinking for a while dude. You don't have to decide anything right now. You just need to get some space and let her be her crazy self. You will know in your heart when it is over for you and it is "irreparable" until then, just quit worrying about it.

If I were you I would move on with my life, don't start dating or anything, just move on as if your done and get your life the way you want it. In the end you will know if it is over.....


Ian


M- 48
XW- mentally 17
KIDS- 3- S19, D23, D28
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09

Thank you all......................... [Re: sofaraway] #1142098
07/24/07 11:44 PM
07/24/07 11:44 PM
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Posts: 2,442
VA
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~Sol Offline OP
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I am closer to finding out if this is over. I have been a "nice guy" to her for too long, survived her affair, outbursts, blaming, and now this separation.

A friend of mine asked me why would I want her back - or why would I still want to be with her? Well, I don't want her back and I don't want to be with her anymore. If her move out wasn't obvious to me, it is now. Even my SS and daughter are telling me that I should marry someone else and forget about my W!!!! MY OWN KIDS!!!!

That says something about my W and the kind of person she is - she is just not good relationship material, neither was I but now I know what I want from a R, and I know what I need to do to make my next one better than I ever hoped for. At least that is my plan.

Today my W told me something that hit home, she said she would never come back, not to the house and surely not to me. A mutual friend tells me to ignore her and continue with what I am doing to keep busy. Well, I am keeping busy and getting ready to move on with my life, but I need to close this chapter, however unfortunate it was for both of us, and go on. I already got my daughter's blessing to find someone else (in good time), and my SS is saying to "dump my W" and go find a hot, smart, and loyal woman that won't cheat. Wouldn't that be something?

I am NOT going to date anytime soon - that time will come and I will know when I can date. I just want to end this the RIGHT way, and not do what my W did and run into someone else's arms.......she is taking more of her things from here, and I am seeing the outcome of our M. It is simply ending, and she will not be leaning on me anymore. I have my atty, I am filing for D but creating a separation agreement (90% of the D). My daughter reminded me again to just find someone else to marry - there is wisdom in her words, and her young innocent mind.

So with this, I want to say thank you to all that have helped me along my journey. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, or what reality dictated to me, but I am staring reality in the face and accepting what I need to do. This is my life, I want to make it great! I only have one time to be here on Earth, and I don't want to waste a single minute more. I want what a lot of people want - to be happy in life. Any other way to be is not good for the human heart.

I will not be posting as much, but I will stop by and check in on my friends on these boards. God bless everyone on here that is struggling. My heart goes out to all of you.

Thank you.


~Sol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Single Dad, and luvin it!
~ Happiness is a state of mind ~

Re: Thank you all......................... [Re: ~Sol] #1142160
07/25/07 01:25 AM
07/25/07 01:25 AM
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Posts: 9,035
Canada
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whatisis Offline
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Sol, I hear anger talking again. Your W is a woman with many problems, very true. I agree with your friend just keep on doing what you are doing and stop fretting about whether you want her back, she doesn't even want back yet! Take care of you, Sol. Stop basing your every move on what she says and does, that is reactive and will not help you move on to where you need and want to be. Just my two cents. That said, I think all of us will support you in whatever you do chose to do, you've been through an incredible emotional turmoil. We all gotta do what we gotta do. Take care, Sol.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
Re: Thank you all......................... [Re: whatisis] #1142237
07/25/07 02:52 AM
07/25/07 02:52 AM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,442
VA
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~Sol Offline OP
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Whatis.

Yes, I am upset. I am sick of where I am in my marriage. Right now I am not as angry as I was this morning, or last week. I am just looking at the bigger picture. There is nothing but more turmoil if I continue on with my wife in this marriage. My counselor told me, my friends tell me, even my kids tell me to move on.

I am sorry but I cannot change her, fix her, or make her love me. She is lost, and she doesn't want me as her mate. She says she sees me as another human being, so there's no emotional connection for me, she had an affair, fell in love with another, and now she lives alone in a trailer can.

I am suffering for no reason but my own blindness......there is nothing there, and I know that this place is about saving a marriage - but I don't want to save it anymore. Reality is that we are not compatible - but hostile to each other. She was hostile to me when we dated - I made an innocent comment about her son she left in Mexico when he was 2, and she took offense, and in her anger I got to see the bitter wife I would get to know for the next 10 years.

So I can safely say that I am thinking clearly, not in anger, but I am tired from all of this and to remain together is a recipe for disaster. My eyes are opened, that's all.

I hope you can see I am not merely giving up on my marriage, but realizing that it is not worth saving - not for more years of an incompatible relationship.

I am not being selfish either in saying I want and need to be happy - that is just the human factor. I know what I don't want, and I want what I don't have - a loyal and loving partner in life.

That's it.

I am just moving on. Just moving on........


~Sol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Single Dad, and luvin it!
~ Happiness is a state of mind ~

Re: Thank you all......................... [Re: ~Sol] #1142428
07/25/07 01:07 PM
07/25/07 01:07 PM
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Posts: 9,035
Canada
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whatisis Offline
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Sol, don't get me wrong, moving on is a great idea! What it means is you are choosing to detach yourself from your W's insanity and build your life based on your own needs. Do it. One of the big drawbacks for you, IMHO, is that you base so much on her actions versus your own choices. Be yourself Sol, re-build and be happy. If she wants in then let her earn it, that is no longer your priority...that is good stuff! Now, a word of caution, stay away from women for a while, even casual dating. It is very confusing and you are in no shape to make good decisions at this point. It's so understandable that you would want to feel desired when you've had your self esteem demeaned by the one you've loved for so many years. So enjoy pretty smiles, recognize the flirting, feel good about it but wait for a while. Trust me, I know on this one!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
Re: Thank you all......................... [Re: ~Sol] #1142444
07/25/07 01:25 PM
07/25/07 01:25 PM
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Posts: 199
Canada
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Sigh Offline
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Canada
Hey Sol,

Whatisis is right, you need to detach from your wife. You are still reacting to things she does and comments she says. I find this was the toughest part of the whole process for myself personally. I would detach from my H's comments, and then he would just find a slew of new ones to cut me down and that kept me in a bad place.

I am finally getting to the end of my journey with this. I am now finally able to talk to my H now and when he starts with anything hurtful, I am able to understand why he says these things, and not react. It is a really good feeling. Anger is not really part of my life any longer and that is a really BIG 180 for me.

These things take time Sol, time, patience, and discussion with your C and others here. You will get there.

Take care

Re: Thank you all......................... [Re: Sigh] #1143044
07/25/07 08:32 PM
07/25/07 08:32 PM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,442
VA
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~Sol Offline OP
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Posts: 2,442
VA
I need to get away from her and learn to be still at her comments......and her tactics.

She lashes, and when she sees I am upset and angry with her, she backs away and starts being nice again....

Not a good cycle. Well, she is becoming more of an annoyance to me, and I am trying to ignore her. I just don't want anymore contact or talks with her whatsoever.....

I need to re-learn patience and diffuse my anger, right? But this marriage is dead, it ended a few years back.

So I am starting over...


~Sol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Single Dad, and luvin it!
~ Happiness is a state of mind ~

Minor update [Re: ~Sol] #1146062
07/29/07 01:41 AM
07/29/07 01:41 AM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,442
VA
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~Sol Offline OP
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Just wanted to post that my separation is going better - I am just making new friends of quality - pursuing those friendships, keeping busy with an 8 year old, and ignoring my wife by being vague about what I do.

I have learned to not divulge any information about my life now - we're separated and she chose to leave. I am just letting her get a taste of what it's like to be alone - just like I am getting. The more time a separation goes on, the greater the risk of going separate ways. I am just learning to have fun on my own, having better days, and not worry so much about what the future brings....because I will make sure that good things happen from now on.

Also getting more attention from females now - but keeping my distance. Oh, and it's good to be noticed!


~Sol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Single Dad, and luvin it!
~ Happiness is a state of mind ~

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