Greetings! Just unloaded the last of my cyber bags and returned the browser Uhaul back to Newcomers and here I am. I really never thought I would end up here but I am glad to make here. I have waited awhile to make the big move for several reasons...1.I didn't want to jix myself 2.I wasnt sure I was piecing anyway 3. I hate to move! Anyway I will futilely attempt to give the "Readers Digest" version of my sitch. Woke up one morning with my W standing over me saying that she was taking the kids after she gets home for work and divorcing me. Of course she used the "I was never in love with you" speech and then within a week she gutted out the whole house leaving my oldest son (15) and myself. She took the stepson (11) and our youngest(2) with her. I am an alcoholic and so started my taking care of me and I started to attend AA meetings and "living life by lifes terms". I found out through other people that she had started seeing a old high school flame that she had met up with a month earlier at a makeshift "high school reunion". I also later found out they had been chatting online for several months before on classmates.com. All the while she denied this and I just attempted to gal. So several months later more and more information comes out about her ea or pa (she will never admit to any of the details). Om becomes missing and then becomes....dead. Submerged under water in a car (apparent suicide). So she moves back in weeks later and she doesnt seem to be wanting or wrking on our marriage except for the convenience of cutting her bills in half...so I find a person I can talk to and have an ea..because I was giving up and also felt that was what she wanted and she was only buying time for someone else. She didnt like it when she found out and sooooo I havent talked to OW since... Not much of a condensed version but if there is any holes, I have slapped my previous threads down here. So I have come to be with the Sages here and reside in a more "quiet" domain to absorb all the wisdom you guys freely give. Piecing or what I know of it is far more difficult to me than being the left behind spouse. mainly because it's more complex and there seems to be more skeltons that you have to make friends with. So that's the scoop...It's nice to be here...peace
Yes, YES, piecing is really tough. I think it's because we start to have expectations again...and we fear going through the whole LBS thing again.
Patience, communication, lovingly detaching: these are my best tools right now. Take your time and be kind to yourself.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Woo hoo! new arrival to piecing ... welcome to your next rollercoaster Not as manic as the first, still got the ability to chuck you the odd punch in the guts though!
Nah - don't mean to put you off, glad you're here but be warned, from Piecing to "There" takes AGES AND AGES too!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Thank you all for the warm welcome! Just making myself comfortable here in my new thread, not as dank as some of the threads I carried over in Newcomers. Anyway, Aud..as far as my holiday went, it was nice...actually nice for a change. Since the bomb in nov, holidays have not been such a pleasant experience. The weather for the 4th was absolutely amazing. When we have warm weather in the Northwest it is a special treat. The W, kids and I went to downtown and watched the fireworks from the docks by the river. It was a vibrant night and everyones moods were surprisingly calm throughout (even through the herds of people). The little one (2) was so excited to see the fireworks until of course when they began! He then said with wide eyes (I need to go home...I need to go home). I couldnt help myself just watching all the boats being lit up by the flashs from the fireworks and the glare of lights from downtown and feel truly blessed that I have made it as far as I have. Never during this whole escapade did I think I would even have a second chance....I just was trying to save me. Toughlover, Thanks for the welcome. SD Girl, As always your visits are always welcomed and appreciate your upfront perspective on things. I admire A woman who doesnt "pull any punches". Jen Jam, The "Goddess Of Piecing" I have trailed your threads for awhile and yes, I do realize the sudden unexpected punches to the gut sensation and also those EXPECTATIONS as well. Aud, as always, your words of encouragement are always heeded and treasured....peace to all, I have to get back to work...
Whapu I see you have moved and I for one am very happy for you. Hang tuff brother, you have been through the wars and emerged a stronger man. A little battle weary maybe but stronger no the less.
Keep drinking that nectar of the gods, piping hot and strong. I have a cup right now and thank goodness for it.
Me 45 WAW 46 Married 23yrs D22 S18 D12 W moved out 1/12/07 Divorce Final 2/06/08
Nothing really new in my sitch...really..except for the fact that I seem or "we" seem to be be transgressing into our old roles. The only difference is now I see the symptoms while before I glanced and moved forward anyway. Sometimes I seem to be battling myself more than my W...which actually I think is my problem entirely anyway. So much in this whole ordeal really centers around being content with ones self, ones direction. At this moment I really dont have either because I get muddled within the fact of trying to make everyone happy first and then what remainder is left I give to myself. I always fight within myself at the notion that just because you center on yourself first doesnt necessarily mean that you are self centered. I guess I just overthink myself into a corner more than often. So, Just working through the crap. I really think it is sometimes easier when you are still alone then when you have your spouse back. Adding another ingredient doesnt always make the concoction easier to stomach... I guess this post is mainly journaling for journaling sake...peace...
Nothing really new in my sitch...really..except for the fact that I seem or "we" seem to be be transgressing into our old roles. The only difference is now I see the symptoms while before I glanced and moved forward anyway. Sometimes I seem to be battling myself more than my W...which actually I think is my problem entirely anyway. So much in this whole ordeal really centers around being content with ones self, ones direction.
Hey, Whapu, welcome to the club. I posted the following bit about piecing that I A-Ha'd about last week, and it seems to relate:
Quote:
Just wanted to record this while it's fresh. I was doing some journaling work today, working on exorcizing LW, when I realized that the real pitfall of piecing is we begin to rely on the other person to make us happy again. I couldn't figure out what the problem was, why I think I was actually happier last summer when H was estranged.
Well, I've figured out I've been treating H like I need him, not like he's a fabulous person to share my time with in my already happy, awesome life. That's it. Simple. What H does has to relevance to my happiness. I am strong enough to deal with whatever, and the only thing that matters is that I love myself and know I'm okay no matter what.
SD
This is the hard work of piecing, to not slip into our old roles and thoughts. What if you sat down with a T-chart (two columns, looks like a T)? One column would be "Old Whapu", and the other column would be "New Whapu." It might help to make concrete and conscious what you knew consciously during the crisis. A crisis is good at keeping us clear and focused...when things get comfortable, the mind relaxes. The key is to keep all the lessons we've learned and changes we've made fresh in our minds.
Be kind to yourself. Your relationship with and treatment of yourself is the MOST IMPORTANT relationship you have. If you take care of yourself and love yourself first, then you will have plenty of energy and the ability to treat others well too. If you're running on empty, if you're tired, depleted, and negative, you are no use to anyone. That's when the old thoughts, stories, and patterns creep in.
It's counterintuitive, but I've learned that if I work on fixing my own crazy and doing what I need to do for ME, then my relationship with my husband is much better.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Sd, As always thank you for leaving some "foot prints" in my thread.
Quote:
when things get comfortable, the mind relaxes.
Very true indeed. Comfort tends to wipe my chalkboard of thought clean. It is one of the many many major hurdles trying to prevent this one and something I need to make a more conscious effort alleviating.
Quote:
If you're running on empty, if you're tired, depleted, and negative, you are no use to anyone.
This in a nut shell, is how I feel and strangely I really am no use to anyone. Right now at least. But I think now might be a good time to slow down and conjure up a battle plan on my whole lifes plan....not just my marriage. Sleep is one thing I have truly needed for quite a while now. I guess I need to be more proactive instead of REACTIVE....that will be etched somewhere on my gravestone I am sure. I always enjoy your direct approach SD...peace...
How was your holiday?
