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MariS Offline OP
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12-27-07

Journaling....

Still trying 2 survive WAH-MLCer's MLC,the holidays & his B-Day.

WAH-MLCer blew up last week, we had an arguement, accusing me of many things, repeating he doesn't care, I'm not the one he wants to be with, blah, blah, blah. (Guess friend/OW is pressuring)

I kept reminding him that I was not "using" child against him like he thinks, & everyone else (probably friend/OW) BUT that I was fighting for our family. Trying to keep the door open so WAH-MLCer doesn't miss out on the joys(and pains) of having our child and the pleasure of raising child.

Needless to say, he didn't come home that night. BUT, the next day he acted as if nothing ever happened and things were normal. Then on his B-Day, he was pretty much MIA. However, he did spend the rest of the weekend & X-Mas holiday with child & I at rent property.

Naturally, I did all the work, cleaning, taking care of child, cooking, shopping, etc. WAH-MLCer was hot & cold, but at least he was better than last year. <sigh>

I did confirm last night while WAH-MLCer was at the bar, again, that he did have keykatcheron our computer at the house. Ugh!!!

Over the next week, I plan to remove it & see what he does. It is not a software program, but a device that was attached between the harddrive & the plug for the keyboard. Very discreet & sneeky...

One good funny I did have over the holiday is I caught WAH-MLCer red handed looking at my cell phone. I pretended that I hadn't noticed & didn't bring the subject up. Plus, every time my phone beeped w/a txt, he would comment on it, so I muted it for the holiday. (heee...heee....)

On a sad note, WAH-MLCer is back to drinking Vodka again.

It is VERY hard for me to keep quiet when I have sooo many questions for WAH-MLCer and what to share sooo many thoughts, dreams, concerns and opinions w/him.

Then out of left field last night, after we went out for dinner, WAH-MLcer's suggestion due to all of my cooking, he made an unsettling comment.

WAH-MLCer stated that he was seriously thinking about following up with a realtor in the new year to move somewhere colder. I replied "okay."

Then I proceeded to "As If" the topic was about us moving as a family and asked child if child would like to see snow, learn to skate and ski.

Guess WAH-MLCer believes that with move, he can have a fresh start or a do over. BUT doesn't realize that it will not solve his battle within himself. Something that we have all learned here.

This IS a very long process and I will admit during these past 9 days, I was on the verg of giving up. I keep praying multiple times daily for guidance, our family, for WAH-MLCer's heart to open up to me as well as thanking the Lord for what he has given me; my child & pets who are my life lines.


MariS

"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"

Become the change you want to see.....

Me - 37
WAH - 35
child - 2yrs
Separated - August '06
Married - 10yrs, Together 18
Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 152
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hi maris,

I hope you have a wonderful new year! whatever the circumstances, may God bless you with health, love, and most of all happiness. Keep your chin up....things could be worse


Take care.


me = 34
H = 35
kids = 3
worst day of my life: march 24, 2006
he filed: april 20
Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 717
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MariS Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2006
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MaryfromAustin,

First thank you to much for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I know I haven't been on the BB for some time, but no one is ever far from my thoughts or prayers. I hope to check in on your stitch tomorrow for my time is limited at the moment,

One day, we will meet........


Journaling

Since the New Year, it has been a very hard DB situation.

New Years was quiet, we stayed at home w/child and WAH-MLCer was asleep by 10:30pm. Alcohol and Ambien combination. Child & I went to bed together, in child's bed and were asleep by 11pm. I did transition to master later on.

WAH-MLCer, I think, is slowly starting to reconnect w/me. I don't feel the presence of another pulling him in a different direction. He is spending more time w/family & child, the way it should be. Plus, taking care more of his health, except for the increase in alcohol again.

Downside is now me.

I have these moments of anger and frustration for the path my WAH-MLCer has taken me and child on. It is so VERY hard not to let the "ugly me" retaliate or attack for WAH-MLcer's MLC.

I do my best to "Stop Think" as Laurie the DB coach taught me last year.

It is best when I keep busy and don't have time to focus on the multiple A's that WAH-MLCer had, how he treated me, as well as our child, or how he has and is still treating his parent and sibling. Those are his demons, NOT MINE and only the Lord can help me with my current anger issues.

Either way, I am hoping to shift to piecing soon, since that is where I feel I need to transition.

One thing I kept questioning about DB is the length of time. The book stated 1 month for every year of marriage. BUT, I think it is actually 1 month for every year that you have know or been involved with your S.

My only other waivering thought that I continue to have is if what I am doing is really worth it.

Am I doing this for me, child, us, our family or am I hoping to hear from WAH-MLCer an apology & that he was wrong. Honestly, I don't know, probably a combination of ALL.

Only thing I can do is take it one day at a time....when I look back and review the horrid path I have been on, I know that I am much stronger and if WAH-MLCer decides to leave again, I will actually help him pack!


MariS

"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"

Become the change you want to see.....

Me - 37
WAH - 35
child - 2yrs
Separated - August '06
Married - 10yrs, Together 18
Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 152
Member
Offline
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 152
hello maris,

how are you? i hope you are ok.


how are things going. haven't seen you since january......


me = 34
H = 35
kids = 3
worst day of my life: march 24, 2006
he filed: april 20
Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 717
M
MariS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 717
Mary,

Thank you for checking in on me. I will keep my stitch short & summarized due to time.

It has been close to 2months since I logged in last. A LOT has happened in my life since then AND, I know realize why God had me fight so hard for my M.

It is with deep sadness that I lost my one remaining ill parent this past month, but I am good. We had a GREAT parent/daughter relationship and I have NO regrets....just those few questions and doubts. Yes, I was fortunate enough to be there with this parent, like my other and help take care of this parent as the spirit/soul left the body. I brought this parent back to their house from the hospital, hospice was becoming involved, just like my other parent, but my time was immensly shorter, not even a day.

My WAH-MLCer took care of our child while I was predominately out of pocket for two weeks. If I had not fought soooo hard for our M, I know this past period in my life would have been more difficult. Especially, since I am an only child and EVERYTHING is on my shoulders for me to do. (Child, WAH-MLCer, two jobs & new business too)

Also, I know that loosing my parent, to me, was easier than dealing with my WAH-MLCer's MLC, Affairs & drinking.

STILL taking everything one day at a time, WAH-MLCer still won't kiss & hold me like we use to. BUT, he does snuggle at night, and seems to finding his way, so I am still holding on.

Mary, I promise I have not forgotten you or the board. It is just this point in my life, I have to truly focus on me. On a good note, I have reached the point within myself, that if WAH-MLCer leaves, so be it. I am GOOD with myself and child.


MariS

"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"

Become the change you want to see.....

Me - 37
WAH - 35
child - 2yrs
Separated - August '06
Married - 10yrs, Together 18
Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 717
M
MariS Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 717
Mary in Austin....are you still out there?
STILL sending you PMA and positive thoughts.
Touch base when you can.


Journaling

ALOT has been happening in my life and for once, I feel that I am in control. Gave one job notice, retained my client(2nd job) and business I started last July is doing good.

WAH-MLCer is ALOT better, compared to where we have been....

We actually went on a trip out of town for 24hrs to a sports event and had fun. I still and always will have trust issues, but I am getting better. WAH-MLCer still can't kiss me and/or hold my hand like we use to, or wear his wedding ring, but for now, he is home and for once, doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

Will continue to DB, GAL and 180.

I am at a point in MY life that I need to clean house, organize, re-structure and focus on my future. Not only for me, but for my child. Dr. and I are in continual communication about my ADs and it helps my anger/frustration issues as what WAH-MLCer has done. (Never mind what he has done to his Mother & Brother) WAH-MLCer definately has his demons and I am thankfull they are not mine...

Best yet, I am at the point within myself that if WAH-MLCer is having "another" A, or continuing with OW, then I am strong enough to say that is it, no thank you, I choose a different path


MariS

"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"

Become the change you want to see.....

Me - 37
WAH - 35
child - 2yrs
Separated - August '06
Married - 10yrs, Together 18
Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 152
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 152
hello MariS,

Glad to hear you're getting better. There's nothing worse than feeling alone and depressed. Each and every day is a good day. Tell yourself....."today will be a good day" no matter what the circumstances. Take a deep breath and watch how God will lead you. I can't say how much I'm thankful for what happened to me. I was devastated, that's a fact! However, I've changed in so many ways. I actually like myself (except maybe a few pounds) but I like how I've managed to raise our kids on my own for over a year. I paid my own bills, I started my own business and BOOM! This business has grown dramatically. Can't say it's been easy but that's the fun part. Live and learn. Years ago I would've thrown my hands up and quit. I would've ran to my husband for help.

Life is funny. It hurts when things don't go the way we planned. We've got to be strong even though we just want to stay in bed and cry all day/night.

Stay strong. If you still don't feel comfortable around him and you just wish he would change back to the way things were, maybe the person that needs to change is you. We all want to change our spouses but maybe it's us that need change. The moment I changed my way of thinking and behaving, he noticed. He noticed I was independent. I ignored his needs. I ignored my true feelings while he was away. He saw a new woman. Take care of yourself. Keep moving forward. Life doesn't end because of a man. Look at Hillary...she was humiliated in front of the world (remember the "intern" and Bill)? Did that stop her from doing what SHE wanted to achieve? She's not that close to winning but she's not a quitter. That's the advantage women have. We get beat down to the ground by a man but we jump right back up and we keep moving forward. Why should we let a man run our lives?

Let God lead the way. If you force something that's not there then God does NOT want you to go that route. Trust your intuition. That may be God speaking to you.


me = 34
H = 35
kids = 3
worst day of my life: march 24, 2006
he filed: april 20
Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 152
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 152
hi mariS,


how are you? How is everything?


me = 34
H = 35
kids = 3
worst day of my life: march 24, 2006
he filed: april 20
Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
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