Reached a breaking point with WAH-MLCer. Told him last night he had to make a decision to either be a part of this family or not. If he was still seeing friend/OW then he need to leave this family.
All he kept repeating was; "Thats not the decision."
WTF?
Plus, he had a bad day and was not going to the church inquires class, he doesn't believe in church, doesn't care about child's future education, blah blah blah.
He commented that his personal life is his and not by business, that I have not supported him and hence I am not in the loop.
I replied -
1st I was going to the class, because regardless of my belief, our child's future education is more important, even more imporant than us.
2nd, I have supported him, but he doesnn't have the right to choose who his child can see and visit that are his family. It will be child's choice as child ages.
3rd, I have never been in his inner circle, friends have always come first, he has never let anyone in, even his prior GF before me had told him that.
WAH-MLCer replied that he did let someone in - meaning the friend/OW. What I know, that he doesn't see, is that she was using him and what feelings he had were due to his MLC being the catalyst.
Either way, it is another day and child is priority.
Same old stupid issues and arguements...
Must detach and rise above his MLC.
MariS
"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"
Become the change you want to see.....
Me - 37 WAH - 35 child - 2yrs Separated - August '06 Married - 10yrs, Together 18 Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
it sounds like you're tired of his BS!!! and you should be.
for him to tell you "he did let someone in" meaning OW, then by all means he needs to go. why do you want someone like this? ask yourself.....why do you want to continuously take care of a jobless, selfish, cheating, drunk? your child does not need this. all your child will remember is you being sad all the time, daddy not being home, daddy drinking. the time has come to stand up and say what you mean. even if it hurts! put YOURSELF first not him. he's not helping you financially - what kind of man is that? obviously he doesn't have YOU as his priority much less your child.
it's good that you told him to leave if you/kid weren't in the picture. he needs a wakeup call. perhaps changing the lock will wake his @ss up! so he doesn't come back, what then? will you be without his financial support? he's not even helping now, no biggie on that part. you'll be without affection. he's not even doing that! no sex. we, as women, can do without for a while. i've heard of this wonderful invention for women. you can "use" it in the privacy of your own home. no instructions required.
you're getting tired of him. same ole excuses. same BS. eventually you'll wake up and say "i need a man in my life. not this free loader who doesn't even pleasure me"
until then, my prayers are with you. stay strong! you're a business women, single mother (he's not in the picture), and i'm sure you're a fun person to hang around. a couple of mexican martinis will leave all man problems behind.
take care.
me = 34 H = 35 kids = 3 worst day of my life: march 24, 2006 he filed: april 20 Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
Thank you for being such a support. You are right, I am getting tired. I just keep thinking today is better than where it was a year ago, I am in the right, so DETACH and let him hang himself.
Love your idea of our invention for ladies....My GFs have always been shocked at what I know and what things are. I'm sorta like that one on Sex in the City who is sexually promiscuous, but I'm not at all. Just knowledgable on the toys and no one would ever guess it, or about my piercings. :-)
Yes, I do need a MAN in my life and child's. One that can stand up and take control, rather than be a wuss. BTW, can't change locks, MIL & I talked about it....WAH-MLCer can pick locks, plus he would just break in, causing more damage for me to deal with.
What WAH-MLCer still doesn't realize that when he thinks he let friend/OW in, that it was real, when it fact it wasn't. It was due to the situation and the illusion from the MLC.
I promise, I will make it to the Austin area sometime and we can catch up. WAH-MLCer owes me B-Day gift from over a year ago and I'm thinking about "cashing it in" when the time is right.
JOURNALING NOW...
Thursday, made it home from work and WAH-MLCer was in a mood. Child was crying and I told child I had not signed up for a whinning child...WAH-MLCer said he hadn't signed up to be married to a B$%ch. My reply, I hadn't signed up to be married to a dead beat husband who lived off his family's money.
:-0
Boy did THAT feel so good to finally say out loud.
A few moments later, WAH-MLCer asked who xyz was and if child had been spending time with "his sibling." I replied, not to my knowledge. He kept repeating the question and I kept replying the same....When my MIL is watching child for me, because WAH-MLCer is not around, I can not control if child sees other relative.
WAH-MLCer then said fine, he would let our child be around whom ever he choose then. I was holding child and said to child; friend/OW (saying her name) is a B#$ch. WAH-MLCer said she was at least smart. My reply:
I was just as smart and had he told this friend/OW about his first A, how he treatment me when I was pregnant, how he treated child and I when child was born and about all of his drinking?
Boy did that ALSO feel good to say out loud too...
WAH-MLCer didn't say a word. He left shortly to go watch the football game that was on on, somewhere. Finally, I felt good that if he never game back, so be it.
After taking care of child and pets, I settled down after a bath to watch a little tv at 10pm. WAH-MLCer was home about 11pm and made the snide comment that he was surprised I was still up and proceed to bed.
I joined an hour later, he had taken an ambien, again, and was snoring loudly.
Not sure what or why, but at least when we had sex this time, I began to feel a small connection between us, even though there was still no kissing.
Friday was a somewhat better day and no more arguements until today. We took child to get an X-Mas tree Friday and brought take out home. Saturday, we went as a family to a local parade and had lunch as a family, prior to WAH-MLCer going to run errands late Saturday afternoon. Saturday morning was an issue, but we worked through it.
WAH-MLCer keeps complaining about being "stuck" in town, how bored he is and there is nothing to do. It was a HUGE inconvience to attend a school open house this afternoon for child, but at least he made it. Rather than standing me up like the last one.
He kept saying it was a Mom job to go to these things and he already knew the school since he grew up in this town. My reply was we are doing this as a family and there will be other Dad's there. He replied the wussy ones.
Some how the conversation turned to jobs and how I need to find a REAL job. My reply, "we" could both look for real jobs together. Ugh...what a jerk.
He is back at the bar again, with who knows whom. The party that is tonight, he had me rsvp at the last minute yesterday and now, we aren't going. Instead, we are supposedly decorating the tree with child tonight. In part, I believe he is trying to punish me for not really wanting to "service" him an hour later, after we already had fun together the first time this morning.
He keeps saying he shouldn't have to give instructions, it should just flow, and if I don't like the feel, taste, smell or texture of something, "I'll get over it." What an A@@.
Thankfully I have a meeting with the preacher this week...maybe it might help me with some of my personal concerns, etc.
Still praying daily and could use a hug and PMA.
I still keep thinking that this MLC of his began about the spring/summer of 2003 and keep hoping it will end soon.
<sigh>
At least we are having more family moments and time than a year ago. I just wish he and I could have sometime for us. I couldn't tell you the last time he and I went out to dinner, HH, or anything alone w/out child. It's as if he is afraid.
Thoughts?
MariS
"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"
Become the change you want to see.....
Me - 37 WAH - 35 child - 2yrs Separated - August '06 Married - 10yrs, Together 18 Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
what is it with the kissing thing? My H will have sex with me but will not kiss me. I try and he will just give me pecks. I hate this!!
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I have thought either he is still involved physically and/or emotionally w/friend/OW, OR he can't kiss me, knowing what he has done.
Like you, I can get a few pecks here and there, but not the holding and kissing like we had years ago, or the kissing for foreplay. Everything seems to be just about sex and his taking for pleasure.
He does let down his guard at night when he sleeps and is holding and snuggling more than he did.
This re-affirms to me that he is still in the MLC.
<sigh> One day at a time....
Thoughts anyone?
MariS
"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"
Become the change you want to see.....
Me - 37 WAH - 35 child - 2yrs Separated - August '06 Married - 10yrs, Together 18 Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
Well it has been a week and I have had many ups & downs. WAH-MLCer still will not kiss me, but at least he doesn't turn away or flinch when I give him pecks.
One step at a time.
Big down was when WAH-MLCer called me at work last week and said he didn't know why he was having a problem w/this, could use some help picking up child, and that he was 15minutes away from going into a funeral of someone we both new.
I was shocked that I hadn't been informed, nor his family.
Basicaly, WAH-MLCer still had to pick child up - no one else available and I was working 2nd job. Later I told WAH-MLCer that I did not appreciate him making the decison for me about attending the funeral and that he was not to do that, ever again. He replied that it was not my place and I hadn't been invited, besides, I wasn't really friends w/that person. WTF??? I might not have been close friends, but I had know the person for about 17 yrs and that person had been to our rent house many many times. UGH!!!
Other downs are when WAH-MLCer would say he would be gone for an hour and actually be gone 2hrs. Saying he would be home in 30 and not home for 90 minutes. Little things like that.
Good notes:
We are going w/child to see X-Mas lights w/another family.
WAH-MLCer and I joined a church - even though it was mainly for child's future education. At least WAH-MLCer is being re-exposed to christianity again. Hard part for me is that the church we chose is way different than the religion I was raised in. Keep telling myself that this is for the good of my child, family and WAH-MLCer.
WAH-MLCer spending more family time...
Keep reminding myself that just one year later, things are better and I must keep detaching at the same time keep expectations at zero.
MariS
"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"
Become the change you want to see.....
Me - 37 WAH - 35 child - 2yrs Separated - August '06 Married - 10yrs, Together 18 Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
WAH-MLCer was in a MLC mood last night. Kept complaining about being bored and nothing to do. He wasn't helpfull w/child, basically ignored, except when child asked for daddy to play. BUT then it was only for the period of time that daddy wanted to play - JERK.
I detached and hovered in the back ground to see how child was doing and stepped in to handle the basics (dinner, bath, etc.)
Created my own speed bump.
WAH-MLCer left a medical bill out for me to pay and I said I wasn't paying, he replied for me to throw it away and I did.
WAH-MLCer changed our health insurance a year ago so our premiums would be less, deductible went up to 3K or 5K, can't remember. The money saved on the premiums was to be set aside to cover the expenses, but WAH-MLCer has been pocketing it or drinking it, etc.
SO - being his dependant, and having had medical "checks" due to his affairs, I have not a problem with the invoices being sent to him. As I see it, that is the "Dad/Husband's" job. Maybe if I have my brain in gear next time, I can remember to mention that. Especially since he keeps telling me that certain things are a Mom's job. (only because his mom didn't work and had to do everything as well - his dad was an alcoholic too)
Must detach!!!!
MariS
"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"
Become the change you want to see.....
Me - 37 WAH - 35 child - 2yrs Separated - August '06 Married - 10yrs, Together 18 Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
sounds like you're grabbing your "cojones" when it comes to your money. Atta girl!!!!
I'm sure he would do the same thing if he were the provider and the man of the house. you're taking care of everything even if he is at home. he's making you feel like crap. making you pay for everything. WTF! where are his "family jewels"????
take care of you first not him. he's a grown man. spend more time with your child than him. go out and enjoy the holidays even if he's not around. your child is seeing you stressed out, how do you think he/she feels? kids know when a parent is neglecting them. you don't have to force your husband to stay home if he doesn't want to. that only makes him go out more.
what i don't understand is this. you say he's done this before and that he's never been an actual "family man" like you wanted him to be. what makes you think he'll change now? he cheats. he lies. he's a bum! he probably makes you feel less of yourself (i'm bored, you're not the same, etc etc)...what about YOU? you are a strong woman taking care of your child/finances/work/family. who's taking care of you in all of this?
Have faith in God. He is the only one that can guide you in the right direction. If your intuition tells you to stop worrying about your husband and move on, then so be it. you don't want to live like this for too long, do you? don't you want someone to take care of you sometimes? someone to actually make YOU feel important. someone to love you for who YOU are. you can't fix a broken stick. if he's always been this way then he's not ever going to change for you. the only thing you can do is LIVE.
love what you have now. love that you and your child have your health, a home, food, a job. this man is not the only man in the world. in fact, i know there's someone out there that's just right for you. you may not know of him just yet, but i'm sure God has his reasons. you have to find it in yourself - trust in Him always. by hanging on to this heartbreaking marriage, you may be blocking something wonderful! don't be sad during christmas. christmas is the most wonderful holiday. without the birth of Christ, where would we be? don't let this person ruin your happy moments with your child. maybe you could spend time with your family. be around people that care about you. don't let his negativity keep you from moving forward.
i'm sending nothing but love here. i don't like to see good hard working mothers suffer over a man with issues.
especially one that doesn't provide for his family!!!
STAY POSITIVE.
me = 34 H = 35 kids = 3 worst day of my life: march 24, 2006 he filed: april 20 Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
