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Originally Posted By: RealJourney
As for me, I am probably not going to be on this board as much, not because I am running away...I am launching a new business come January. If I can't make it here as much, please know that every one of you will be on my mind and heart...and I could sure use a few prayers my way for my new venture as well!


What, did I scare you off ? \:D Kid, I know you'll do great in this new business and whatever you do. You know we'll be pulling for you and of course the prayers are going to come your way \:\) Thanks for all the help over in SSM, you're a sweetheart \:\)


"If you can't lick em, lick em" - Ted Nugent
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IC, You and the Miss are incredibly special...I could see that right away. You both have done so much on the BB to put faith back into relationships.

Hey everyone, if you want to read a real love story, seek out IC and Miss IC's threads on SSM.

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Real Journey,

Best of luck w/the business launch.

Let the BB know when you do launch in case
any of us could be potential customers.

I started representing a clothing line out of NY
this past summer (side business to other jobs).
It is hard work, but also is a good distraction
in keeping me focused on me, child & pets.


Journaling:

WAH-MLCer still considers me as the evil one who is making his life misserable. Amazingly he has been helping w/child & pets AND went to the confirmation class again last night. (grumbling all the way though)

He seems to "trying" to get his life back on track and I am doing my best to As If AND keep my mouth shut with thoughts and opinions. (extremely hare)

I am thankfull for the opportunity that I have been give to have WAH-MLCer back in our family life, even with his problems & turmoil. It at least gives me "real time" and presence to DR & DB with WAH-MLCer, which I didn't have last year.

One step at a time, day after day....


MariS

"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"

Become the change you want to see.....

Me - 37
WAH - 35
child - 2yrs
Separated - August '06
Married - 10yrs, Together 18
Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
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MariS, You are doing great... btw, my two favorite expressions are " baby steps" and " a day at a time."

Thank you for the good wishes for my new biz. Right now I'm taking prayers, lol.

Hugs, RJ

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Could use some PMA and <hugs> today.

WAH-MLCer "seems" to be punishing me by not communicating, or when he does, its w/profanity & I've done something wrong, again.

I know he has his followup dr. appt in the morning and he has to be worried about it, especially since he has HAD to cut out his vodka intake, completely.

Trying my best to GAL, had a business event this weekend & due to ill parent's health a friend drove that parent in town to see grandchild and my event. WAH-MLCer was livid that he was not told ill parent was coming. I didn't know, since ill parent's daily schedule changes from day to day.

Then WAH-MLCer asked me to take off work yesterday, so we as a family could have snuggle time w/child. I did, then WAH-MLCer proceeded to ignore me for the day completely. MIL thinks the friend/OW could be pressuring him...I'm not sure if she is still in the picture of not. I do know one of his guy friends is in town for business and this friend is not a reputable influence.

I am starting to have HUGE anger issues, again, but am trying SO VERY hard to "As If," when things are not. WAH-MLCer can't even kiss me...sex is just pure sex. At least, he hasn't been watching the porn on t.v., just old 80's programs.

<sigh>

Must focus on child & I.


MariS

"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"

Become the change you want to see.....

Me - 37
WAH - 35
child - 2yrs
Separated - August '06
Married - 10yrs, Together 18
Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 152
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hi maris,

how are you doing? i hope i get to hear from you before the holiday. i can remember last thanksgiving. it was so sad for me. we were separated. even though we were "friends" again, his heart wasn't there for me. he spent thanksgiving with his parents (the wicked witch of the south) and i wasn't too much into celebrating or much less giving thanks. i felt betrayed. i felt alone. i felt like what am i to be thankful for, my husband is M.I.A. for crying out loud!!! CAN'T ANYBODY HEAR ME? my hsuband left me! i felt so angry at the world. i didn't want to be around my parents at that time. i wanted to be home with the kids and just try to live comfortably. we spent a couple of hours at my parents that day but i just felt horrible inside. my husband would always make the turkey and i the rest. i missed him so much.............


present day:
i'm not sure why i don't feel like making the big feast this thanksgiving. i think i'm more excited that OUR family is back together than going all out to make lots of food that i'll regret i ate afterwards because my stomach will punish me for it. he's asking me for the dinner so i can't say no. i'm thankful for everything that i have now. it wasn't until a few months ago that i was completely satisfied with the way things were going. i hung in there. i didn't let go of our marriage.

be there for him. he's an alcoholic. he needs support. this is a disease he can't control unless he has support.


me = 34
H = 35
kids = 3
worst day of my life: march 24, 2006
he filed: april 20
Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
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Mary,

So good to hear from you!!!

Like you our holiday is different this year too. You made me stop, think and reflect, realizing how far WE have actually come in the past year. There is ALOT we can be gratefull for.

I don't feel like celebrating either. WAH-MLCer is going to the deer lease(suposedly) and not wanting to spend it with us. He still hasn't spoken to his Mom in over 4months and no longer wants anything to do with his sibling. His latest comment is he doesn't like the holidays and never has. (he better not be scrouge at X-Mas; child is SO looking forward to it)

I regret I feel that I'm starting to backslide w/my DB'ing. I have this fear that friend/OW is still somehow in the picture, but can't confirm. Why can't I let go of this issue & let WAH-MLCer deal w/his own demons?

He is off to a HH later when I return from work (child's school is closed today) and is upset I am not able to leave my second job early...I sweetly replied that if he supplemented my $$$ I could quit the second job - no reply.

This HH is an annual event that I have not been included with and due to the "friends" involved, don't really want to. Just hope/pray friend/OW is not there, but will bet she is.

I sent the following e-mail message to WAH-MLCer yesterday; felt the need to - things were too status quo.


Have not a clue where I am going with this e-mail,
too many thoughts rambling in my head and feelings
in my heart, so here goes:


I am sorry that you haven't been feeling well.

I am sorry that you are having whatever medical issue
that has caused you to cut back on your drinking, because
that means it is serious.....

Thank you for letting us go to the deer lease this past weekend.

Thank you for taking child and I out to dinner last night and
giving child a bath for me. It helped me out SO much.

Thank you for being around; trying for us to be a family.

I still care for you and love you - wish you would kiss me.

There are those moments when I want to tell you that I love you
and that everything will be good, but I am afraid to tell you.

I love to watch/hear you and child read & play and how child
responds to you. (it warms my heart)

There are times I want to call you during the day, but I'm hesitant,
because it feels that I am a bother to you.

I want to touch, hold, smell and make love to you but I feel your distance and I am lost.

<sigh>

Interpret this e-mail however you decide.........


-----------

Of course, no response, but I feel better for having sent it.

Current concern I have is that WAH-MLCer is slipping back into his old drinking habit. He quit cold turkey for two weeks, then started to add a beer or two here and there. Now since the weekend it has been some wine. Then when he was out w/guys last night and tonights HH, who knows.

Must detach...must detach....

Will someone please help me refocus?

Thank you to all of you...

Hugs to you Mary, where ever child and I end up tomorrow, we will have a toast/cheers in "Our" honor for our family accomplishments and be thankfull for the moment now.


MariS

"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"

Become the change you want to see.....

Me - 37
WAH - 35
child - 2yrs
Separated - August '06
Married - 10yrs, Together 18
Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 717
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Journaling:

Thanksgiving was better than last year, at least.

WAH-MLCer actually came home Wed. evening early from the HH that I was so concerned about. He even brought take out for us. Still doesn't negate the fact that I believe friend/OW was there.

Thanksgiving, he actually spent the morning w/child and I, we had a family meal and then WAH-MLCer left for the deer lease. (supposedly)

After being burned soooo many times, I have a hard time believing him and that is my issue/problem.

A few txt messages and a well placed call here and there...ugh, I hate being the stable sane one. When is it my turn, or at least when will the time come for me to have a choice for it to be my turn or not?

There is also an indication on a friend of a friend's myspace that WAH-MLCer and friend/OW are still involved. There was a bulletin about GFs and questions pertaining to your top 8 GFs. The way this friend of a friend answered one of those questions, was that the friend/OW would do anything for her, unless my WAH-MLCer happened to call with last minute plans.

Funny how the friend of the friend let this bulletin remain posted just long enough for me to see and then retracted it. Unfortunately, I didn't have the where with all to print the page or copy, paste and save it.

Damn my WAH-MLCer and his MLC - wish I could give him a swift kick in the A## to shove him out of this tunnel.

Today, WAH-MLCer is indicating that he will either be returning late this evening or early in the morning from deer lease. My reply was it would be nice if he returned this evening so he could take child to school in the morning. That I have been w/child for four days, not being able to work on new business and I could use a break. BUT, if he felt that he still needed to be gone, fine, I would still be the one staying behind taking care of everything. However I will require his help by picking child up from school tomorrow.

I don't think I wouldn't mind some much of WAH-MLCer pulling this stuff, if actually would help me out more financially. Here I am working two jobs, juggling child, our issues and started a business. WAH-MLCer was basically born w/a silver spoon in his mouth and doesn't REALLY work. Why would any spouse with that freedom not be willing to share it with their partner?

This has been going on since we married, but is now a REAL issue since child came into the picture.

Thanks for letting me vent....

Child is down for nap and I should go and clean up the house. We did have fun decorating for X-Mas. I even asked child if child wanted Daddy to come home and child said no. Amazing what WAH-MLCer is passing up on. We can not go down this path again w/child, child only grows up once......


MariS

"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"

Become the change you want to see.....

Me - 37
WAH - 35
child - 2yrs
Separated - August '06
Married - 10yrs, Together 18
Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 717
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Journaling...

WAH-MLCer did return home from deer lease sometime yesterday. AND said he would pick up child.

Downside is we have this agreement to pick up child between 4-4:30pm. He didn't pick child up until 5pm, after he had been hanging out with a guy friend at the local bar.

I just don't understand why he puts friends before family, should have seen it sooner, since our M has always been that way.

Sour note...I went to borrow WAH-MLCer's hairbrush and noticed long brown hair strands. Kinda odd since we three are natural blondes. AND of course, not of the guys at the deer lease have long brown hair....

This on top of the myspace friend of a friend bulletin & retraction has me on edge. Plus, when he tried to wake me up at 4am for sex and I asked for a kiss or two, he completely stopped and left the bed for the sofa.

Attempting to contact and meet with a minister of the church that we are looking into.

I need help drawing a line for myself and child. I don't want to continue being treated as just for sex. I want a touch, a kiss, etc.

Child also doesn't need to be exposed to this type of father either. I feel that child should be raised in a loving, warm and supportive environment.

How do I handle the fear of possibly making the wrong decision when it also includes affecting the future of an innocent little one?

Advise?


MariS

"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"

Become the change you want to see.....

Me - 37
WAH - 35
child - 2yrs
Separated - August '06
Married - 10yrs, Together 18
Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 717
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Journaling...

Held off from having "A Talk."

Chose to As If.

WAH-MLCer took child and I to dinner last night and I could see how hard it was for him to be out to dinner as a family, rather than as a single person socializing, drinking, etc.

Since his reduction in alcohol, and I say reduction due to the fact he is drinking a little wine and beer again, I think he is also not taking his ADD pills.

We made it home and he went off to the bar(supposedly) for a couple of hours, returning about 10pm. I guess it was good that he removed himself from the environment that he couldn't handle, rather than staying and helping me/child and possibly loosing his temper.

This is one heck of a RC ride....

Yesterday, I was seriously planning to get off, today, I feel that I am still fighting for a family and this friend/OW who is still somewhere in the picture is of no importance. She doesn't have the history w/my H or the child. I am in the right, this is our family that I am fighting for.

WAH-MLCer is better than where he was last year with child, even though he is far from being a good father/spouse rather than just doing the basics. I still have that little glimmer of hope that is carring me through today.

Have determined that I will make a hard choice/decision at the beging of the new year. Until then, I will evaluate day to day.


MariS

"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"

Become the change you want to see.....

Me - 37
WAH - 35
child - 2yrs
Separated - August '06
Married - 10yrs, Together 18
Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
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