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A Message from Michele
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A long list indeed. Been over a year. Last thread was a bit off for me so I want to repeat the opening here.

Brief recap:
Me: 51, WAW: 43; two kids: S9 and D6
Bomb (I dont love you I am leaving next month): Jan 06
She never left but I moved out to give her space: 11 May 06
She wants a D (via an email): Jun 06
Complaint for Divorce filed D: 11 Oct 06

WAW wants a D and will not consider changing her mind. I made changes and worked hard and I was hoping for a turn around. But nothing has changed and now it is time to move forward.

No, I am not quitting. But there comes a time when if you love someone you must not hold them against their will. If she feels certain that I am no longer right for her, then she cannot be right for me. That is her decision; it says nothing about me.

Time to *man up* and be a man, not a boy.

I haven't been letting go of W. I am letting go now. I'm sorry she is gone. It's nobodys fault; it's just the way it is. I must accept it; I cannot move forward until I do.

It is time to GAL, move on, focus on me and my children. Time to banish the anger and hate and frustration. Time to live for me, not for validation by others.

I am not a failure here. I am happy and my life is full.

Opportunities await. Even the fear of the unknown.

Strength and Honor.


Jeff

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I am first! I get the prize. Is there a prize? I'll take a fishing trip, or a trip the Smokie Mtns.

IMO, it takes a long time to let go when you get 'the bomb'. It is a process that we don't really control, it is our heart and our mind that control 'letting go'. When we thought we had a good M, when we know we signed up for the life commitment, when better or worse is what we know is part of life, when we have trained ourselves to hang on for the long ride - it is not an easy job to retrain our mind and heart to let go. Time is our friend.

Chin up, keep your eyes on the horizon. Look where you want to go.


Live your life while you are still living.
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Hey Jeff -

Just got caught up on your thread. For what it is worth meeting other women and dating was the last thing on my mind since the D was finalized last August. It took a long time for me to get to the stage where I wanted to be with someone again on any level - the past two weeks in fact. Not to co-opt your thread but I met a nice gal recently and we went out for dinner together this week and had a great time. Nothing serious - just getting to know each other as friends. I also went out for drinks the previous week with a neighbor of mine in the condo. I enjoyed both experiences although if my ex were to call right now and ask me over for coffee or dinner I would be there in a heartbeat. I know however that is not likely to happen from what I have read about MLC. The gist of all of this is that somewhere inside I have finally accepted the idea of not only moving on but getting used to being in circulation again. It's good to know that others are interested in you as well. It's funny how this all plays out in time. Stay strong and keep focused. I think you are doing great in spite of the situation you are in. Things do and will get better.


John S.
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Hey, Boo,

Are the kids out of school yet?

So when's the trip to TN? If they like baseball, take them to a Smokies game. They have a cool stadium in Sevierville.

If you didn't visit Cades Cove the last time you went, take that drive; it's lovely.

And if you go through Knoxville, a burger at Litton's is a must.

Enjoy your trip, enjoy this time with them, focus on your blessings.

besos,
BA

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Lock and loaded Jeff. To Better Men.

I'm here for you.

Strenght and honor.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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Posting less but that is a good thing. Life is upbeat lately.

I got the kids for most of June and we are catching up. Nice to have the extra time. We will be leaving for Gatlinburg next week and stopping at Chattooga for a few days on the way back. Same as last year but that is what the kids want to do. Should be fun.

I feel good. Dropped 10 of the 15 pounds I gained since end of last summer. Still want to lose those five so I am not embarrassed at the swimming pool.

Big news: I met with stbx yesterday at the house for a mini mediation session (without a mediator) to discuss the D settlement. Stbx got a small dog; had it for a few weeks now. For the kids she said but for her too I think. Funny my kids did not mention it. Cute little thing I have to admit. She got it via friends litter so she did not just get one to keep her company while I have the kids. But I think the timing is good for her here. Better than an OM to keep her company I guess.

The mediation went much better than expected. The last time she threw everything back in my face. This time she was very reasonable. I think all this DB stuff and communication skills paid off. Rather than argue, I used I feel statements and listened.

When we discussed finances I told her what I felt was fair. At one point she asked about the house; she was thinking of staying there. To tell the truth the thought of a new house appeals to me so I said I would be open to that. But as the discussions progressed I caught myself becoming angry. Why should I move? I already moved to an apartment to give her space and now I have to clear out completely while she does nothing?

But rather than get angry I just told her how I felt. I said to be honest I wanted her to move and part of the reason was I hated what she was doing to us and that I felt she needed to feel some of the pain here. Interestingly she responded well to that honesty. If fact when I said that I felt that I have done more than what was required here, she agreed under her breath; I know you have. So she said she would move out and I will buy her half of the equity.

We discussed bank accounts and she said mine was larger that hers. I said I did not understand that b/c she has no house or car payment; where is the money going? She admitted she was not on a budget and that she did give some money to her sister so she agreed not to divide the extra in my account. She also agreed we both keep our own retirement accounts, good for me b/c mine is higher than hers (she will work longer than I will so she will catch up, but it was more than fair of her to do that a concession for the 40/60 custody split I think).

We also discussed parenting provisions and she listened this time without argument. This is her hot button topic. We were discussing joint legal custody and she did throw out the term controlling all I want is control. Instead of reacting I stated that control was not the issue I am the father here, signing away my rights via a power of attorney like clause in the provisions was a non-starter. I want my day in court if it comes to that; I will not sign now giving her final say in all matters (as the current temporary provisions state). She said she would discuss this with her lawyer.

At the end of the day I got the house, my bank account and my retirement account. Custody split 40/60 which I can live with. The parenting provisions are close but still work to do.

With luck I will be divorced before the end of summer.

Yes folks, luck. I am ready. I did all I could here. This is a path she must take and I cannot control that.

As I was leaving we embraced and I kissed her. She smiled big time. As I drove off I looked at her in my rearview mirror. There she was, holding her new dog, with a sad look. Just like a scene out of Casablanca.

Yes, life is good today.


Jeff

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Wow, Jeff, things are moving along here.

Your last paragraph was so poignant. This must be hard for her too; she had the same dreams you did, she's just not able to do what it takes right now to make them happen.

That sounds like a really productive discussion. Well done! You did a great job, and netted a lot of what you wanted. At least she listened to you about the kids; her L may recommend that she go along with you.

I'm glad life is treating you well.

Nic


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My thread: Trusting God's Plan
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Bicycle....fish....dog.

WTG Jeff. Better man.

I likey.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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Will you be my mediator?

How odd that the kids did not talk about a new puppy. They must have been instructed very well, but for what reason? What else does she make the kids hide from you?

Sis said it's so dry there that the ranchers are flooding the market with their cattle. Everything is dried up, no hay to be made. Don't worry about that 5 pounds, there's no water for the pools.


Live your life while you are still living.
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Jeff...

You sound like you are in a good place. Yes, I'm sure it still hurts but once we realize that we have done everything we could, the best thing to do is LET GO.

That conversation seems to have gone really well and I'm sure she will be fair when it comes to the kids as well.

To end the conversation with a hug and a kiss and you feeling good about yourself is a sign of strength and character.

You will meet a wonderful lady and what a lucky lady she will be.

Hugs,
ISLH


Me: 49 - S22 & S26
H: 41 - No kids
M: 10/00
Bomb New Year's Day 2006
H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07
D final 07/07
Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
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