Looks like me and ol' CeMar locked up our threads at the same time. Who woulda thunk that the two most avoiding denizens of the board would lock up their threads? Thank you, all, for your help, encouragement, and advice. I re-read back thru a lot of it last nite, and I was simply in awe of the goodness here.
Lou, in response to you, I didn't used to have the fear either -- just frustration, anger, loneliness, HORNYNESS -- all of that stuff. But never FEAR.
Until this time.
It comes and goes now, and I'm trying to take it one day at a time (while having a plan that emcompasses much more than that), but the fear is there. I think the reason it's there is that -- for the first time -- in the face of a confrontation from me, my wife is pulling AWAY, and not toward, me.
OM, and being a real, local guy (instead of an old h.s. flame on the internet) is obviously also more fear-inducing.
I do think, however, that I'm going to have to get to that place where I "let it go." The ol' "you don't really have something until you're willing to let it go" thing. I'm not there yet. I do BOUTS of that, to avoid being needy/grabby, but I haven't yet gotten to that place in my mind where my marriage could end, but that I would be OK with it.
I haven't yet gotten to that place in my mind where my marriage could end, but that I would be OK with it. I wouldn't be OK with it if it happened to me. What I let go of was the thought that "I have to make this work." It was just too taxing.
I didn't used to have the fear either -- just frustration, anger, loneliness, HORNYNESS -- all of that stuff. But never FEAR. Well, I had the fear at one time. It really was hard on me having fear.
BB once said she didn't worry about me having a gf on the side or in the future because she thought (at the time) no one would want me. That did create some fear but I know what she said was more about her mental state, than about me. Dumping the fear was really good for me.
just frustration, anger, loneliness, HORNYNESS Sometimes I have those, and sometimes I don't have those feelings. Still working on me. Right now, I can't tell you want works best to reduce some of those feelings.
Working helps some for me. Having other people appreciate things I do for them helps. I know OP have good sex sometimes (LFL, HD, me-well sex anyway) that helps. I have an acre that I mow with a non-self propelled rotary mower. That burns up frustrations and energy.
I see you are involved with your kid's activities, you exercise, and work. Those are good.
The “one-day-at-a-time,” I know that helps. BTDT. Having a moral compass, good. This forum and your cyber friends; can't do without them. WTG folks.
I do think, however, that I'm going to have to get to that place where I "let it go." The ol' "you don't really have something until you're willing to let it go" thing. My take is. Are they overly picky/critical/self absorbed, etc. The OP doesn't see the same value I do, so if they stay it is their choice
If I get into the "Don't have it till you let it go" mentality, I think this leads people to leaving and thinking you don't care "ENOUGH." The other extreme is holding on too tight. Sometimes letting lose, at least some, the OP can feel less controlled.
Applied to LFL's situation, I would guess she would feel you didn't care and LFL would be hurt. Someone with a foot out the door and in the flush of an A might feel controlled if you hung on too tight. So too mush letting go is bad and too much hanging on is bad.
I don't think csw won by letting go "or" hanging on for dear life.
I have to go on a service call. Keep posting choc.
OM, and being a real, local guy (instead of an old h.s. flame on the internet) is obviously also more fear-inducing....
he should be.
I know people said in the old thread, that he is not the "problem", yadda yadda yadda. But he IS the immediate threat. and I would treat him as such. and since we're quoting "la Cosa Nostra" today...keep your friends close; keep your enemies closer.
From what you've described of him, I suspect that I could derive a great deal of pleasure by f-ing with his head. Now, I wouldn't suggest anything illegal on a public message board, of course. But I'm willing to bet that you could stay within the bounds of the law, and still accomplish the ultimate goal of him having to exert significant effort to qwell the urge to wet himself whenever you appear.
But that's just me. I'm evil like that. I'm just giddy with ideas of how careless your W is with her cell phone, the fact that they're prone to using this method to communicate, and the leverage that could afford. {evil snickering}
I'm liking the direction cac is going in. "Keep your enemies closer." Why not this: every time you go to the club (and let that be OFTEN), single him out and chat with him about the stuff guys talk about... sports, cars, ask if he has a girlfriend. Ask about weight training, or whatever he does. Cozy up to him-- I mean, don't overdo, but at the health club I go to, the trainers are very friendly with the patrons, chatting, encouraging, etc. Pull him into your circle. Heck, invite your w's co-workers to the house for a party, and include him. If she objects, and she likely will, don't take no for an answer.
I tell you, back in the day when I dallied with married me, if the guy's wife had singled me out for chatting, friendship, etc., it would have freaked me out bigtime.
I'm just giddy with ideas of how careless your W is with her cell phone
Cac4, the problem with messing with the cell phone is if Mrs. Choc wants to, she can stop all communication by phone and then what will Choc have to gauge what is and "isn't going" on.
Determined people go underground, fast!
I saw (according to the History Channel) what spying did for countries during WWII. Sometimes spying netted more/better results than combat.
I like that, but he's not in there that much. He only works part-time. I DID do that to the girl, tho, the "3rd" who was also out with them that night they all stayed out late. Made it a point to talk to her, today, while I was working out.
I already know what I'm going to say when I see the guy next. He'll probably say something like "Working out?" or some such, and I'm going to reply:
"Yes. (looking him straight in the eye) I've found that once you work really hard at something, you have to keep after it so you don't lose it. Of course, I would never let that happen."
I will never let on to ANY of the info that I have, until I am ready to use it. To do so would only force them to change their ways, and then I lose data points.
Uhm...call me crazy...but how about just asking this guy why he is calling your W so much? I don't know if I could stomach all the fake behaviors and innuendos with this person right in my face. LFL
Thank you, all, for your help, encouragement, and advice. I re-read back thru a lot of it last nite, and I was simply in awe of the goodness here.
