This is parallel to my main thread, which will lock soon anyway, but with the pain of this past week, this thought has obviously crossed my mind (many times), and I'd like to get everyone's thoughts on it.
You all know my situation. What would have happened if I just started acting more manly, more lovingly, been more leading/wooing/cherishing, with the fetching Mrs. Chocolateeyes, without first confronting her with the e-mail? (for the sake of argument, since we really still don't know full situation with OM, let's assume early stages of EA, no PA).
Would such an approach have had a chance? I'd especially be interested in hearing from the LD women on this one.
I've also gotta think that the thought has crossed my WIFE'S mind -- "Choc., why couldn't you just have shut up and DONE this, instead of calling me (and all of my issues and insecurities) out with the e-mail and the lunch?!"
I've also gotta think that the thought has crossed my WIFE'S mind -- "Choc., why couldn't you just have shut up and DONE this, instead of calling me (and all of my issues and insecurities) out with the e-mail and the lunch?!"
She probably does wonder that. But if you went that route, you'd be letting her off the hook again. You can't catch a fish until you hook 'em. kwis?
I also would have been running the risk, hoping that my currently-changed "wooing"/"leading" behavior would insulate her from further escalation of an EA into a full-blown PA.
BIG risk. I decided to err on the side of confrontation, but I'd welcome everyone else's thoughts.
Choc, I think second-guessing yourself is something you should refrain from doing. You did what you did. We all thought it was great. This isn't a problem to be solved in the crossing of "i's" and the dotting of "t's," kwim? I would also suggest you stop telling yourself how scared you are. I know you're scared, but IMHO it's not helpful to keep labeling those physical sensations as fear. Try to observe the physical sensations without dwelling on the labels: slow your breathing deliberately, note that you're sweaty or your heart is beating fast. Okay. You might try saying to yourself, "Part of me is terrified." If you can say that, then it means that part of you is NOT terrified. This is the long haul. You will get through it. You can do this. Hugs to you.
In my sitch, I needed the wake up call. If you just started doing all that stuff and didn't confront w/ the email, etc., you don't even know if she would have noticed or it would have had an affect on your R/M. You don't know if she would have responded at all to your new & improved actions.
I definitely think you HAD to send the email. You guys have too many issues to work through besides the EA to just start acting as if your M has been great & wonderful all along.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
You're right, of course, but I still feel like that perp on the ground in "Dirty Harry," after the "Did he fire six shots, or only five" line, who turns to Clint Eastwood and says
Choc It would certainly have worked on me BUT that's me not your wife. I was desperate to receive affection from my H and if he had shown it first would have gone from LD to HD in a heartbeat
Trouble is if only one person changes and the other still isn't responding eventually the resentment starts up again and nothing REALLY changes. Plus it really isn't all about sex there are other issues that have to be addressed.
FWIW I think bringing the problems out in the open was the right thing to do for YOU at the time and hopefully things will work out for you both. If not at least you will have given it your best shot you can't do more than that.
Lil put the health supplement info on chocs other thread hope it helps.
Choc, The affection would not have worked for me. Confrontation would not have worked with me. What did work for me? Feeling that my H was emotionally abandoning me. All the while, I had a foot out the door, not realizing that he had a foot and a half out. That's what woke me up.
"I gots'ta know." Gots'ta Know? No, You "WANT" to know.
Choc, my opinion is, if you did it the nice way w/o confronting, it wouldn't have worked.
Just more of the same, W feels even more entitled, is my guess. I am not the BMW type, so I will admit to being in a different class than many folks. My 1995 mini-van runs well and I am happy.
The longer I read forums, the more I see confrontation working.
Your W isn't Karen1, GEL, Lil, MoJo, et all or someone else that wants a more intense R and dreams about it, works for it.
I see your W as wanting a better R, but what work is she willing to do for the long haul with just offering her a carrot?
Stick, confronting, and carrot, looks like the way to go with this R.
I remember Corri saying, (my interpretation and applied to my case) when she was LD, the carrot her H offered looked like her H just wanting something from her as in "trade for what he wanted."
No matter which plan you use, there will always be flaws according to your W's opinion. BB can be crazy about chocolate flavored coffee creamer on Monday and by Thursday, chocolate is off the list and Hazelnut is the in flavor. What have I read? Doing something right and that is what the guy uses over and over again. You have been using the carrot coupled with avoidance. Not working for either of you is it?
Too many options to know which one might be a little better than the other. No way to win that game. You didn't want to try all the options and become so frustrated you give up, did you?
Current plan is wise, actions are wise. So far I like what I see.
