. . . and certainly you ladies too. Not really a SEX question, but I'd love to get your perspective.
My wife recently reentered the workforce after 20 years, becoming a certified personal trainer at our local gym. She really enjoys the job, does very well, and has enjoyed the comraderie of having interests outside of the home and our four kids. She's been working out for the past two years, got a tummy-tuck last year, and has been aggressively training and dieting the past couple of months and is even considering entering fitness competitions down the road. She's 46, and has the body and the face of a fit, pretty 30 year old.
Once or twice, she's gone to lunch with co-workers from the gym (male and female), and told me last weekend that she'd been invited to go out for drinks last nite to celebrate one of the trainer's 21st birthday (with a group both male and female). We coordinated our schedules so I could get S14 and S10 to bed, she had D18 give her a ride there so she could catch a ride home and not have to drink and drive, and went out about 8:15 and told me "I won't be too late." I didn't mind her going out and having a good time, and honestly expected her to be home around midnight, as she has to get up about 5:45am to start the school rush out the door in the morning.
She came home at 2:05am, with no phone call to let me know she would be that late.
My question is, how should I have handled this? As the hour got later and later, I got angrier and angrier, not that she was out having a good time (I actually prefer that she has other interests now, and isn't so "needy" as she used to be), but that she didn't call. I couldn't figure out if I was angry at myself, or angry at her, but I felt like I was in a no-win situation. If I call her cell phone, I look like a needy, whiny little beotch, and if I don't, I look like an impotent, powerless little beotch.
She finally came home, said nothing (although I was in bed, and she may have been trying not to wake me), and acted like everything was totally normal this morning. I was quiet, but said nothing as well other than our usual perfunctory peck on each other's cheek when I leave for work.
Do I blow this off as her just getting out to blow off some steam and enjoy some time with friends, or should I be upset? I would NEVER come home two hours later than she expected ME from something, without calling. I sometimes go out for beers after my baseball league stuff, but the latest I've come home is 10 or 11, and even then, if it's going to be significantly later than what she was expecting, I call.
Choc, I saw your post, and I don't have time for a decent reply, only to say, YES, you must confront this. It's the beginning of entitlement on her part, and you have to try to contain it, for your OWN self respect, as well as for the health of the marriage.
I'd ask her tonight if she had fun... maybe see if she wants to talk about her evening out... LISTEN.
And then I'd casually say... "the next time you go and you are going to be late, please call and let me know, so I don't worry." Don't buy the "I didn't want to wake you or the kids," reply. I am SURE that you fully expect your D18 to call if she is going to be late, regardless of what time it is or who might be asleep.
Other than that... my antannae would be seriously up, if I were you. Seriously up.
Geesh, my initial response was..."what is a 46 yr old woman doing at a bar celebrating a kids 21st birthday?"...and as Karen said below...why weren't you included?
I don't mean that to say that she shouldn't go out with friends/co-workers to do things....this one just seemed jeuvenile to me. Doing something like this occasionally isn't a problem...but she definitely should have called to let you know she was going to be late.
I think it's great that she's gotten in shape at 46 (working on it myself now at 40 again), but I have to wonder....she's got this great body now, she's hanging out with people younger than her (the people I've noticed that work at gyms tend to be young) and now she's gone out all night at a bar....hmmmmm. Makes me think of a female mid-life crisis of sorts LOL. May be nothing to do that at all though.
I would simply tell her than in the future, she needs to call if she's going to be late so that you don't worry. Now, if she starts doing this more often, that's another issue.
Thanks, Corri, I love your response, and -- trust me, it is. I have a keylogger on our home computer (cuz of the teens), and I get call detail on her cell phone, and her credit card statement comes to me, so I really don't think she's having an affair. I DO think she's trying to recapture her youth somehow, and she's showing some classic MLC symptoms, and you and I both know that we have relationship problems far beyond the lack of sex and no phone call last nite.
That is pure, unadulterated bad behavior on her part. Is there any reason she couldn't have included you in this outing? I look forward to hearing a reply from Nop, Cobra or Blackfoot on this one. I tell you what - I agree that I would be leery of what she is up to. Good for you though for not calling her cell - it would have looked bad and needy even if you were "technically" in the right.
I agree and disagree with Corri. I wouldn't listen to the story of the evening. I would just ask "Did you have a good time?" Then say, "Great, next time I would appreciate a call if you will be late. I was concerned."
Why wouldn't you listen to the story? He could ask for a call next time after he hears the story? Does listening to her story come across as condoning her late night or her lack of a call?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Yes, there were reasons I couldn't be included, although I am looking to see, moving forward, if she NEVER invites me into these plans, as I certainly invite her into my "baseball buddies" plans (lots of wives come sometimes). But last nite was a school night, me and S10 had a 6-8:30pm baseball game, and then I needed to get them to bed.
I'm definitely pissed. What I DON'T know, is it better if I just ignore it (because she's already shown, she HATES it when I don't get jealous) and not feed that beast, or is it better if I confront her with it.
I am thinking the simple "Hey, glad you had a good time, but next time I'd appreciate a phone call if you're going to be that late. I was concerned." is perfect.
You're dead-on on the age thing; everyone at the gym is in their 20s and early 30s, except for her boss, who is late 60s (and in phenomenal shape himself). So it's not like she's chosen this group of younger people, it's that EVERYONE there is younger.
But she IS definitely hung up on all things "age" related. We have a nice steak restaurant chain here, Stonewood Tavern & Grill, that we all like and even my D20 picked it as the place she wanted to have her 18th b-day dinner, but now my wife doesn't like to go there because "there are too many old people there." I'm like, WTF? what difference does that make?
Another wrinkle to this is that the guy who was turning 21 is a cop, doesn't actually work at the gym but is best friend's with my wife's trainer, and he is recently now dating my D18 (who obviously couldn't go last nite, but was invited, and she said "Oh great; what am I going to do, DRINK CHOCOLATE MILK??").
-- Choc., who wants to know what's wrong with chocolate milk?
I would mention it to her as you stated in your last post. Definitely don't just let it go. If nothing else, what she did is inconsiderate.
I too was thinking it sounds like classic MLC behavior. Given what you've posted in the past about her and about your R, I would pay very close attention to what she's doing. NOP did say a couple of months ago that she was a prime candidate for an A. Make sure she's getting plenty of attention from you, and not just from the young alpha males at the gym.
And you know, it just occurred to me that she could be "testing" you, perhaps unconsciously even, to see if you're paying attention. I remember your jealousy thread a couple of months ago. Definitely talk to her about it.
