Well, I'm sorry about the email, but I think the good effect of it is that it is leading you to back off again and think of yourself first. I can only imagine how hard it would be to think that maybe there was a chance after all this time, only to find out that (maybe) there isn't.
Whether she's MLC or emotionally wounded doesn't really matter ~ either way, she is not a good partner to you right now, as is evident from the list you made.
I hope it will be easier for you to move ahead with your own life, since you've done it before. I think it will.
Best, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
She thanked me for all of my help and it was`appreciated. "I'm sorry things didn't work out for us the way we thought or hoped, but I really hope we can still be good friends"
It seems that every person you ask, has a different interpretation of what this word "friends" means. I'm guilty of it myself. When I use it in the context of a guy, it's a buddy type thing. We can hang out, shoot some pool, talk chicks etc.
When it comes to me referring to a girl as a friend, there are 2 types. The 'sister' type female friend who I wouldn't think of getting her panties off and then there's the other type whom I would...without hesitating. The latter, could turn into a full blown relationship if the other factors are right.
Your ex hugs you, kisses you and ML to you. You help her, she sends you a card, she calls you, she texts you etc, etc, etc, What do you think her definition of friends is? I can tell you right now, it is not how YOU define a buddy.
I know, I know, you're quaking in your boots thinking she wants to be the 'brotherly' type of friend aren't you? It's possible but I think it's highly unlikely because she's been saying this friends thing with you for a while and before the extraordinary improvement in your sitch.
Could it be possible that she see's you as the third type of friend in my example? The friend you hang out with, help mutually, snuggle to and have orgasms with....leaving the door open for more of an R?
You're just an honest, nice guy that just wants to have his ex back. I know that, you know that and so does everyone else. What you are missing completely, is your game plan...you need a game plan to stick to.
You can't let every little 'move' (remember it's a game and you don't have a plan) that your ex makes, you feel like it's a torpedo sinking your battleship.
How about coming up with a game plan? Something that involves backing right off (and what you are going to do with that free time) to let your ex come to you. Just consider the possibility that your ex still has a way to go to complete her MLC. She's actually doing you a favor. Diving into a full blown R with her now is like volunteering for a suicide mission.
God Bless
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Could it be possible that she see's you as the third type of friend in my example? The friend you hang out with, help mutually, snuggle to and have orgasms with....leaving the door open for more of an R?
I agree this could be possible....but wouldn't this type of R mess with my mind too much? I mean if she really has no intention of ever getting back with me this can prolong my healing.
Quote:
She's actually doing you a favor. Diving into a full blown R with her now is like volunteering for a suicide mission.
I agree, I could never be in a R with someone who's emotions waver all over the place.
I agree this could be possible....but wouldn't this type of R mess with my mind too much? I mean if she really has no intention of ever getting back with me this can prolong my healing.
It'll mess with your mind if you let it mess with your mind. The one thing that you have control over is yourself as they oftentimes say on this board.
Do me a favor? Please stop being so negative. Think positively all the time. There was a study done by a guy named Dr. Richard Wiseman (you can google it up).
He concluded scientifically that......wait for it......good things happen to people who think positive and bad things happen to people that think negative.
Hardly surprising isn't it?
Reading your posts, there is too much "woe is me" in them. Take some time out just to turn this around. You'll be grateful that you did, I promised you that.
God Bless
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
It's like this I think. By you pursuing her, what's it getting you? If you back right off and she comes to you, you've got the answer you've been looking for. If you back right off and she stays away, you've also got the answer you've been looking for.
If the only way you get anything from her is by you pursuing, it doesn't sound like your future with her is going to be any good does it?
I decided to back off 2 years ago. If she wants me, she knows where she can find me. Alternatively, I could have pursued and she could have continued treating me less that what I deserve.
Remember what I said to you before? You have all the power in this. It's on your terms and no one elses. You set the agenda and while you can remain hopeful, the onus is on the WAS. If they don't want to change, it really will never work out anyways.
God Bless
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
I agree....that statement pretty much defines the R. Nobody should have to settle for someone who doesn't really want them.
Funny, I have been recalling the previous 8 years of our R and I can now see how exW was really unhappy with the fact that she married young and missed out of a big part of her life.
Maybe I really did not know her that well to begin with, she had a choice....to pull closer to me or further away...she choose her single friends lifestyle.
I am beginning to realize if it wasn't me it would of been somebody else she M that would be going through this.
"...she had a choice....to pull closer to me or further away..."
ddc, that statement above hit home with me. I've replayed my own movie several times, and ultimately my ex chose to pull away. Only now in retrospect can I see the signs.
You ask when the penny was going to drop for me...well it has dropped.
I had a C session today that made that penny drop. This is the first time I had mentioned the sexual abuse that my exW had gone through and I also mentioned a comment that she made a few weeks back. "I have changed, I am now a much more closed person. I don't share my life with everybody"
This was a major red flag for my C.
He said there is nothing you can do or say to help her. She has closed off all intimatecy. She can never be a whole person unless she seeks help. She is seekling attention and affection from dating, the men she dates will never know who she really is because she will not expose herself.
He called her a taker, she takes whatever she can get to satisfy her urge for attention. He warned me NOT to let her get to close if she comes around again. She was in control the first time, I need to be in control next time.
She is broke, it didn't matter if she M me or someone else this was going to happen regardless.
It feels like a major weight off my shoulder. I can now move on knowing I did what any decent guy would do in a R.
He said she is a taker, a user and vindictive. But she really doesn't know she is like this.
Its funny how someimes you can't see the trees through the forest.
