Well here I am...again

[Sigh]

Hello to all on this site. This is going to be a rant mostly...I have alot going on in my head at the moment and I need to get it out.

I use to post to this site off and on. I mostly come to read others comments and get insight into how people are dealing with affairs. It has been 1 year 4 months since I told my H. I am not going to get into too many details, to be honest it is embarrasing and humiliating, but needless to say, my A's were what caused us to get into this mess I am in now.

I keep reading similar advice and words written by others. To be Patient, listen, apologize and try to be there for him as he is very hurt. I have tried to do all of these things, maybe not as well as he would like, but I am trying. I understand the pain and hurt I have caused, I understand how betrayed and hurt he is.

I guess the million dollar question is...when do people stop living in the past and want to work on the future?

To all the people that were cheated on, does it ever get better for you? Have you been able to find happiness?

When does the contstant reminders of past failures and hurtful things stop? Does it ever? Does the anger ever go away? How can you feel desire for someone when they yell at you they feel nothing for you and never will again, that you make them sick, and then 10 minutes later are yelling at you because you are not making them feel desirable?

When they tell you to leave them alone, then complain that you are not there for them? It just seems sometimes that no matter what I do, it will never be right, it will never be enough. I don't want to "make up" for what I did. I know that is not possible. I want to make things "better" so we can move forward. I know it is imparitive we do this at HIS pace, which I completely understand and respect, but on the other had, over a year has past, and our marriage is getting worse, not better, for either of us. I don't want to leave, I want to help him, but I feel that I can no longer help him with the thoughts he battles on a daily basis.

I have tried getting him to come to counceling. He refuses.
I tried to go to councelling myself, he made it unbarable when I came home from the appointments.

My H told me, he will never be happy as long as he stays in this marriage. He will never feel complete, and feel joy again. When I have said that maybe it would be better if we did separate for his sake, he only says, why? so I can be alone and miserable, it is not like anyone else wants me! If you leave I will only end up slitting my wrists a month later.

Just from those comments, I know he needs serious help. Help I can not give him. He is serously suffering from depression and low self esteem, but refuses to seek help. I can't force him to find help...I just feel so lost.

On a positive note (if there is one) I admit the past year I have learned alot about myself and have faced alot of issues I was ignoring in the past. I have grown, and learned from my mistakes. The biggest and most painful drawback from this is my H is the one paying for them, for my mistakes.

I know it is a personal decision, but when do you say enough is enough? He has kicked me out on several occasions, and continues to threaten to take my daughter away and never allow me to see her. Mostly all of the conversations we have end up in an argument.

Today I can't be stong...today I need to just cry and get away.
Tomorrow is another day..I pray my strenght returns.

Sorry for the doom and gloom post all, but I really needed that.

[cat03]

I'm sorry he has become toxic and vindictive. With a positive mental attitude and LOTS of work I was able to forgive my H and move on, the first months the memories of what I knew and saw felt like a punch in the stomach. After about 5mths it got much better, I still asked questions now and then and my H grudgingly answer.
It's been 7 months since I've learned, and I can recall the A info and not bleed, it is still a wound, but a healed one. I had to work hard on remembering without condemning.

Funny thing is one day my H told me he was amazed I forgave him, because had the sitch been reversed he' d never forgive me (I think it has to do w/men and the idea of their women being "damaged goods).

Your H seems very disturbed, is he taking meds? if at all posible encourage him to take some meds, see a dr, make an appt and tell him you'll go w/him. If have admitted your mistakes and faced him and told him you know you hurt him and have validated him, then the ball is on his court.

Sounds to me like a separation is in order, he's become abusive and unless you are some drunken druggy he can't take your d away. For your d's sake, maybe you should consider it.

[runningoutoftime]

Did your husband have any symptoms of low self-esteem and depression before the affair? It sounds like he may have bigger problems than the affair.
It's a shame he won't go into therapy. My guess is he really needs it. If he is verbally or physically abusive, or using a great deal of alcohol to self-medicate, you should seriously consider if there's a safety risk for you and/or your daughter and separate. Do not take a chance if there is any abuse going on.