ask him to leave?--men especially

[forward]

M: 39
H: 42
D1
Married 14 years in August
October 06: ILYBINILWY
OW: 22 (and a psychological nightmare, from all indications)

I am F and have earned more than H through entire marriage, at times carrying him so he could pursue artistic interests.

Now I am at a point where I am tired of supporting him, esp. as he has started running around with OW. I am thinking of asking him to leave because it's hard for me to be detached, for one thing, and for another I think he's cake eating.

I feel like some guys understand this better than women and would be especially interested in their POV.

[Elmrjfud]

breton39,

i am no pro here so just my opinion. lay it on the line for him. be as clear as you can but not condescending, us guys are dense. even if you think you are being clear, he's probably not hearing what your saying. if you love him and want to be with him let him know that, but don't compromise on what you need from him. again, be clear as you can, we men are a stupid lot in many cases.... if i had really processed and understood what my WAS was saying to me i would not be separated right now... she was not clear enuff, she complained about many things over time but never told me that she was unhappy with me and that our relationship was at risk. if i had really understood what was on her mind i would have done many things differently.... she compromised her emotions and sugarcoated alot of what was on her mind... i guess she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but now she is killing me bcz i didn't read between the lines...

[ford]

Heyya Breton

I agree, he is eating more cake than Fat Albert.


a nice boundary would be, you want to play around, do it on your own dime. over simplified, but I think it's an important boundary.

nothing like a taste of reality for cheaters who create a fantasy life on someone else's money.

make any sense?

[forward]

Yes...I am thinking about it seriously. It's a big move to ask him to move out but I think I may have to do it.

[Concerned_Listener]

M: 39
H: 42
D1
Married 14 years in August
October 06: ILYBINILWY
OW: 22 (and a psychological nightmare, from all indications)

Now I am at a point where I am tired of supporting him, esp. as he has started running around with OW. I am thinking of asking him to leave because it's hard for me to be detached, for one thing, and for another I think he's cake eating.

I feel like some guys understand this better than women and would be especially interested in their POV.

Breton,
You need to think about why it's hard for you to detach. How are you doing at your DB efforts? How well are taking care of yourself? How connected to the world and people are you? Do you have enjoyable and stimulating hobbies? I know you have the joy and responsibility of raising a child--my guess is this is helping you thru this.

What is the quality of your R like? Has he abandoned you? Do you spend any positive time together?

How long have you been thinking about a separation? What would you want a separation to accomplish? What are the unresolved issues in your M? What are the positives in your M? Are you seeing any hopeful signs from him?

A separation should be a thoughtful decision. What would have to be different for you two to reconcile, if there was a separation?

I don't think there's anything a LBS can do to abruptly terminate an A, so don't do a separation solely for that purpose. I think the WAS has to see that their escape is no longer working for them, and they have to face reality, and look at their lives in a more positive way.

I hope this helps you in making a difficult decision.

CL

[stubborn]

Instead of "telling" him what to do how about asking him what he "plans" to do. You can even phrase it as "I know you'd never make a decision like this lightly, and since you've let me know what you'd like (OW) could you let me know what you plan to do next?" (practice it several times first.) That way you get some tip as to what cards he thinks he is holding.

Spread the "I know you're intelligent and wouldn't make decisions lightly" all over anything you say. Think of it as affirmations that you send out into the universe, you don't always believe it at the time you're saying it. Obviously you know he's nuts but hey, let him think you respect him. It sets him up to "think" he made any decisions, therefore he can't resent you for "throwing him out". Put it back on him.