Good afternoon to all of you in same boat. I must ask, can it ever get better? My stbx shows all the signs of MLC at age 46. She has been going through this about two years now. After finding this forum, I'm amazed how many of the people are dealing with a similar situation. My heart goes out to you all.
I have realized just how patient I can be. And, I must pat my self on the back for this. There are so many days I just want to scream. I must keep reminding myself that I am dealing with a person that just doesn't seem to be "all there" anymore.
Over the past 1.5 years I have done multiple 180's to no avail. My wife insists she "wants and needs this divorce", however she walks around almost constantly sad and angry. Nothing seems to make her happy. I tink finalization of the divorce will just start a new chapter in her general unhappiness.
It is just mind boggling. My wife is a very devoted and loving mother. However, she has agreed to grant me full custody of our two teenage sons. This is good for me. It is just amazing to me though, how someone like her can just walk out on everything.
We have been married 20 years, had some rough times but always seemed to work through them. Now she just wants out. Of everything. I was given the ILYBINILWY speech, then three months later was told about her extreme attraction to another man that we both know. She addmitted EA with him. I don't know if has become PA yet. He is also married with children. I think she could be headed from the frying pan to the fire, so to speak.
I feel that the direction of my life and major decisions in it are being determined by someone that is crazy, to put it lightly.
I still love my wife and want to save my marriage, but it's probably too late for this. Any advice from you fellow MLC victims will be greatly appreciated.
Just wanted to say I feel for you...I'm in almost the same boat...20 yrs...OM who is married with children. Wife always sad or angry around me.... Its like someone hands them a script and they mindlessly follow it.
I don't have much advice as my head is still spinning with my sitch, but I'm sure many others here will chime in.
One big thing is to not forget about yourself...do things you like to do without thinking its going to have any effect on her, because it won't. Just do it for you.
And don't let the crazy ones make all the decisions....have your say...don't make it easy on them if you can help it.
Stand strong, friend....its a rough ride.
Cheers
M41 W36 D19 D17 Married 20 Years Bomb Dropped Feb 14,2007...Our Anniversary and Valentines Day
If you do now what to give up then don't. It is not too late.
I know what you mean about feeling like your life is being guided by someone crazy. I feel the same way. You may not be able to control her actions, but you can stand in the way of the actions you don't want.
Don't forget to get out there and get a life for yourself and take care of yourself. If you don't you will lose your sanity.
Take some time and read the resources at the top of this forum. They are very helpful.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Breast stroke, back stroke, side stroke, anything that keeps you floating is better than drowning.
You seem to have a good sense of what has happened to your W. How about you? How are you holding up in light of all this? You need to become more patient, but also stronger than ever for yourself and boys. If it is the end of the M, don't let it become the end of you also.
Things can always get better...that doesn't mean they will not first get worse. But MLC is not (in most cases) a permanent life condition.
It is however, usually loner than the two years you have experienced thus far...especially if the OM relationship has not yet gone physical.
Quote:
I still love my wife and want to save my marriage, but it's probably too late for this.
So sad...that is such a common assumption at a stage like this...and it is not accurate at all.
You have been doing 180s, thinking that will change her mind. Well, that's not how DB'ing works...at least not for an MLCer. DB'ing now sets a foundation for a return later. MLCers will continue to go through the tunnel and get worse regardlessof how well you DB. It is not something you can or even should stop....because if you could stop the MLC and yank her out the front of the tunnel...she would have to go back in later or immediately...and the crisis would be worse.
So she is insisting on the divorce. What are you doing about that? Are you contesting? The motivation (at least mine) for contesting was to drag it out long enough for them to change their mind...in time. But the legal timeline is usually much shorter than the MLC timeline...legally, you cannot stop someone from divorcing you...at least not where I come from.
SO if it does go through...this may provide her with relief...but I'm with you in that it may more likely send her spiralling further downward. That will either be immediate or there will be a few days/weeks of freedom exhilaration first.
But perhaps this is what will send her into true depressive Liminality where she can hit bottom and deal with her demons.
Your job is to be safe. Forget 180s and strategies. You have had two years to learn patience and make your own changes. Be you. Help her to feel safe with you...and she may not, but that is because you are a mirror of her guilt...do nothing yourself to make her fear or feel uncomfortable with you.
Think Agape and forgiveness...those are each without conditions. To feel safe, she must feel that she wis not being and will not be judged. Be her friend...her shoulder for crying...BUT at the same time step back as needed. If she learns to lean on you too much, she will not solve her own problems but seel solutions from you instead....you make her feel...rather than she can make herself feel.
I truly believe that most MLCer want to return...and many are unable because the LBS is not open to a return. But that return is with TIME. Do and Be these things
Consistent: You want to be married...then act it. Standers do not date.
Agape
Forgiveness
Safety
Patience
Have you told her why you are contesting or do not want a divorce. Because you love her is not enough...though being loved is meant to help self-worth, right now she 'knows' she is unworthy and this may only make her feel more guilt.
If you continue to wear your ring...particularly after finalization of the legal process...and she notices and comments, what will you say?
This isn't about waiting for her...again that is guilt and pressure, and to her you will be in denial.
No, instead this is about a belief system. You married her for life, and though she has chosen to break those vows, you will not. This is telling her that she does not have to come back to you (no pressure) but you will remain faithful to your vows made with her before God.
Let Go...often MLCers are at the end of the string and you are the yo-yo...so just Let Go, GAL and be patient.
Thank you all for your opinions on my sitch. After reading the many posts in this forum I know I am not alone with this. I openly admit my past mistakes in my M. However, it is so strange to see your spouse turn become an "alien" (boy, I hate to say that) before your very eyes.
I think you guys are correct. The most important thing for me to do now is to be strong and look out for my boys and myself. It's time to stop worrying about her. I must say though...I think when she does move out, away from her husband, boys, and home of 19 years and possibly her dog, she is going to freak out, to put it mildly.
In 20 years of marriage, yes there were times that I was less than happy, but I never even thought of just walking out on everything. Amazing.
Thank you very much for your wise words. You gave me a lot to think about. As for contesting my divorce, I have not, at least not recently. As difficult as it is, and as you suggest, I have been trying to just let go. Part of my reasoning for this is her willingness to grant me full custody of our boys. The boys want to stay with me, in our home (I'll have to buy her out). If it must happen, this is about the best way it can go. Also, as you said, the MLC timeline appears to be much longer than the legal one.
For years I always looked at my W as "the rock" of the family. The one who did so much and helped keep so much organized. However, since MLC set in, I feel I am the more grounded, so to speak parent, and am better able to keep the boys. Maybe she feels this way too? She won't admit it though.
