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Re: NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: PennyMB] #1003863
04/07/07 05:14 AM
04/07/07 05:14 AM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 307
2
2940831 Offline OP
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2940831  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 307
Wow.... Where do I begin????

First of all, as always, thanks so much to everyone for caring about ME so much, a complete stranger...

Lin, it bothered me when you said a few posts ago that I was dependent on H and now dependent on this board... Am I posting too much? As you all know, I have not told anyone but you guys and my counselor about what is going on. I have chosen at this point not to talk to anyone else about this. So when I get scared and meltdown, as well as when I have good times, I feel like I want to/need to reach out to YOU GUYS. Am I wrong in doing that? I don't want you to feel like I'm "pestering" you... You all have helped me so much and given me the strength that I'm still searching for within myself... I will never be able to thank you all enough. Lin, you already have a few shirts off MY back coming to you as well... ;\)

Okay... (I should tell you that it's late, I've been working hard all day and feel like I've been hit by a truck and am exhausted, so sorry in advance if I don't make sense in this post...) About the Xanax... First of all, THANK YOU to all of you for giving me so much information/advice on this. I promise I will talk to my doctor more about his at my appointment on Wednesday... My Xanax bottle says to take 1-2 pills as needed (or something to that effect). So, the doctor said to take one pill and if I didn't feel better in around half hour to an hour to take another one. It's only been one time that I've taken more than the 2 pills... AND I won't do that again.

I think I told you that I got the Lorazapam (sp?) this last week as well. I felt like the Xanax wasn't really having the same effect on me anymore, so the fill-in doctor gave me that to try as well. I've only taken it twice I think, and it makes me loopy, so will only use in extreme cases... AND I know I can't depend on them and need to get myself strong and not depend on these meds...

I should also remind you that my doctor said it could take around 4 weeks for the Wellbutrin to kick in and to see what effect that will have. It has been I think almost 2 weeks now. I'm not sure if it's helping yet, as I'm not sure exactly what to expect, but I do know that I'm still having extreme mood swings, and sometimes it feels like they're only 30 seconds apart! One second I feel so strong and positive, and the next second I'm a wreck... So, we'll see what happens with the Wellbutrin, too.

Also, my doctor said that we'll have to watch things and see if I may have bipolar disorder. I read a bit about that and do see some characteristics in myself that are related to bipolar disorder but have no idea how to know "for sure." I guess we'll cross the bridge when we come to it...

1210, I'm not trying to have a pity party, nor act like a child, nor get behind in my work, etc., etc. I feel like my world as I've known it has been shattered before my eyes... I know you know that, and I know you've been through this, too. Maybe it's because you're so much stronger than me right now and have grown so much yourself that it's so easy for you to see me as so weak? I realize that it is a conscious choice that I have to make to act differently to get different results and that what I have been doing for the most part has not worked in my favor. I get that. It's almost as if I just feel so overwhelmed and am in so much pain that I feel physically, emotionally, and mentally like I CAN'T do this, if that makes sense? It's like someone is pushing me into the ground and I can't get up... So while I do understand that it is a conscious CHOICE that I have to just make, I AM weak right now, I AM hurting, I AM having a hard time with this... And when you tell me to just "get on with it," it hurts, because I feel so unable to do that right now, and I'm angry and hurt that I feel that way.

I honestly DO want your help, and I appreciate so much your writing while you are recovering... And your "tough love" always kicks me in the butt. At the same time, I don't want to feel like I can't tell you guys how I'm feeling - I don't want to pretend I'm feeling something I'm not or that I'm stronger than I am right now. It's not that I don't WANT to be strong, and I know you've all told me what to do and that it's not until I choose to do these things will I get stronger - like Lin said, it will be a snowball effect, either downwards or upwards, and that choice is mine... So I hope you'll be patient with me... I don't want to lose your advice.

Also, as I think Virginia pointed out, when this first happened in November, I believe I was in denial. Sure, there was the initial blow that socked me hard in the stomach, but once H told me he had searched in his heart and had decided to give us another chance, somehow though the pain was still there, it decreased so much... I was able to cope so much better, hanging on to the "hope" that H had given me. I now look back and see all of the errors in my ways in believing in his words and not choosing to change myself and grow and find hope with myself, and I'm not trying to kid myself now that this hasn't been going on since November. I'm just trying to get across my point that I FEEL DIFFERENT THIS TIME... I know I still have some hope from H (AND that I need to find the hope inside myself instead), but to hear the words that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, that it's too late to save our marriage, etc. - 1210, I hadn't heard those words before. I might have supposed to have interpreted them on my own, but I guess I was so naive and wanted so desperately to believe that everything was going to be okay, that i just had to "wait"...

To that end, I'm not trying to make excuses, but I just want to be honest with you about how I feel and what I'm going through... I'm being forced to face the facts this time around, whereas before I was choosing to place my faith in the hope that we were going to work on making our M work. Virginia also said that it may be that only now am I beginning to experience the extreme sense of loss... Maybe that's what it is. I may not be explaining myself very well, but it's just different now, and it's a "fresh wound" so to speak...

Also, you may have already sensed this about me, but I've always been an "overachiever," a perfectionist... I've NEVER quit at anything I've started (except for one career I hated), NEVER given up, hardly EVER failed at anything, got great grades in school, received honors, exceled in what I did... Now, to feel like I even have the chance at FAILING at one of THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE??? I don't have much experience with this kind of pain and frustration, and to have it be something this important and this gut-wrenching to "break me in" is something I can't even put into words.... Furthermore, I have never really had any intense losses or suffering in my life yet. It was hard when I lost my grandmother and when the pets I've had passed on... That's about the most traumatizing things I think I've been through... And then "BANG" - let's just hit me with THIS?

I know I'm rambling... sorry. I just want you to know that I honestly am going through a whole new set of very intense emotions this time around that I honestly did NOT experience before. 1210, you sound as if I started this roller coaster in November and should be so much stronger now. For me, although the roller coaster started in November, it was a "kids' roller coaster" compared to the loopty-loop, hair-raising, flying backwards roller coaster that I got on a month ago - whether I was in denial in before now or whatever the reason was, I just did not feel the same sense of loss, desperation, hurt, sadness, and all of the other emotions so intensely. Whether that's right or wrong, that's how I feel. Again, I just want to feel like that I can be honest with you guys and not pretend... I know you get frustrated with me often when I don't do what you say - I AM very strong-willed when it comes to getting my mind set on something - AND I know I need to turn that drive into doing what you're telling me to do...

Yes, Lin, I DO fret that if I move my office home H will not miss me and will feel like he will be okay without me... And I guess that's the chance I have to take and hope that rather than feeling that way he will instead miss me...

I was thinking about something today that I wanted to ask you about... I realized in Vegas that I obviously go through more intense emotions when I'm alone, because I am not going to have a meltdown in front of other people, and when I'm around other people it helps to get my mind off this whole thing... So, the question is, if I work from home (even though most of the time I'm alone at the office, too), I will be there in my home office all day long all by myself, and that's when I'm at my worst... AND, as I explained, I am so far behind on work that it's going to be very difficult to GAL right now... What all this means is that I am already in a situation and would be putting myself in another situation where I'm at my worst... I know I potentially only have a short time to do what I need to get done, and I just want the best chance I can of getting as strong as you guys are, and I'm being honest with you when I tell you that I'm just having such a hard time doing this on my own... Maybe you view that as a "pity party." For me, I physically, emotionally, and mentally am going through something so horrible that I've never experienced before, don't ever want to experience again, and would not wish on my worst enemy... Believe me, I don't want to be behind in my work, I don't want to let you all down - or myself or H. But to hear you just say to stop my woe is me attitude and just get on with it... I WANT to do that, AND I am weak right now, whether that's right or wrong or my fault or not, it's where I'm at... And it sometimes feels like you're saying that all this should be EASY for me to do what needs to be done, that I'm just being a "kid" and being weak. I wish to God I was as strong as you and could just say "okay, today we are going to move the office home, don't call H, don't see H, don't think about H, GAL my butt off, get lots of rest, take care of myself, eat well, not take meds, etc., etc." While I KNOW these things are all what I need to be doing and, as Lin pointed out, VITAL right now to me having the best chance at making this work, sometimes it seems like you're saying it's just as easy as "flipping a switch" inside of me or something...

I want all of you guys' tough love when I need it, and I hope you realize that I'm not strong like you guys are right now, that I need to work at it, that this "new" pain is still very fresh for me... Are those excuses? Maybe. But is it the way I feel? Yes. Is that wrong and immature and not worthy of your respect? Maybe. But I hope all of this doesn't mean that you won't help me anymore. Again, just being honest. I hope you will at least respect me for that. I don't keep much from you guys... ;\)

So, do I want all of your continued support? - without a doubt. Do I respect and admire each and every one of you for not only having made it through this hell but for "giving back" and supporting me, a complete stranger? - I am honored. Am I having a hard time implementing what you're telling me to do? - unfortunately, yes. Does that make me weak, not full of pride, and not able to be respected by any of you or H? - maybe. Does that mean that I don't WANT to change? - heck, no. Do I know that it's ultimately up to ME to make the decision necessary to do that? - I know. Having said all of this, I pray that you're not telling me that I have to lie about how I feel and tell you that I'm stronger than I feel and just throw out all of these meds that are helping me right now and just pretend like I'm not having these intense feelings... Maybe by saying all of these things it means you will not choose to help me anymore, but if having your support means I have to lie to you guys, I just don't want to do that... If I can't tell you when I'm having a meltdown and ask for your encouragement but rather have to "act as if" I'm okay, that doesn't help me right now. I know I need to "act as if" in many of the DBing ways, but I hope I don't have to "act as if" around you guys... What I CAN tell you is that your advice and encouragement and support and belief in me and my marriage means the world to me right now, whether it seems like it or not...

Okay, must stop rambling now... You are probably going to say that this post has been full of excuses again and that I just need to get on with things... But I pray that this is a place where I can be myself, whatever that means - from hour to hour, from day to day, from week to week - and that you'll keep supporting me. It may take me longer to get on the right wagon than it did you guys or that you think it should be taking me... I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for your guys to KNOW what I need to do and that I CAN save my M if I just DO what you are telling me... and I'm sorry for that. I hope and pray that you will be patient with me and not give up on me and realize that at the end of the day, I just want to learn how to be as strong as you all are - however long that takes me. I hope you'll all still be my side when that day comes...

I hope you will respect me for being honest and telling you how I feel.

Love you all...

Re: NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: 2940831] #1003880
04/07/07 07:03 AM
04/07/07 07:03 AM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,056
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12102006 Offline
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12102006  Offline
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Posts: 1,056
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Tam

We will only take your honesty...no lies, no pretending.

Yes, we support you...but my approach to you is one of letting
you see how unproductive, meaningless, self-destructive and
unfounded your ways are...it is a painful situation, but when
will you realize that all of your emotional unrest is caused by
YOU and you alone? What impact does that have on repairing
your marriage? None, zero, nada, nothing...so why continue?
Do you think it even phases your H? No it doesn't...not one
bit...he has someone else who is stable...what are you offering
him? Meds, clingy wife, one who can't function at work...

You aren't weak, you lost yourself by giving him your personal
power...you live through him...you gave up your friends and you
expect him to fill the void in your being...that's not his job.
He's a partner, not your reason for existing...you abused that
partnership by not giving him his right to breathe, to do things
on his own without you there 24/7 constantly. Your neediness
made him look elsewhere for a partner. He can't talk to you
because you ask millions of questions, then more, you talk him
to death, so he clams up - you talk more, hoping he'll open up.

Tam, if I said go to the stove, turn a burner on high - then
place your hand on the red-hot top - you would scream, from the
pain, right? If I said do it again - would you? Heck no, how
idiotic would that be, right? Well, we have said that you need
to lovingly detach all of your emotions from your husband, he's
the red-hot burner...asking for hugs, spying, checking at sites
to see if he's there, wondering what he is doing, saying, going
to be at, etc., etc, etc.,...all equal your hand...get my point?

You are allowing yourself to be hurt, by doing the very things
that "PREVENT HIM" from ever wanting to come back to you...
it doesn't feel right for you. Your comfort zone lies in being
dependent on something or someone...out of that zone, you then
become disoriented, confused, scared - like a fish out of water.
You don't like being alone...you would then have to rely on your
own...it's easier to rely on someone else, for you...

You are not weak...were you weak before you ever met your H? No.
You earned a college education, made good grades...so why is it
so hard to let your H work through his A - alone - without you
coming unglued, irresponsible in your work, feeling like crap?
WTH does your coming apart "HELP" getting him back? NOTHING...
it pushes him away......now do you get it????????? You need to
be sharp, on target, focused, attractive...not lethargic, crying,
sniffling woman...that's why it must stop...NOW...it doesn't do
you, him or your business any good acting like a zombie, out of
control...now stop this...

The chances of him returning depends on you being fresh, alert,
positive, focusing on your business deadlines....showing him you
are in control of yourself...that's what will impress him...

You can do this...if you want him back...

Re: NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: 12102006] #1003903
04/07/07 11:09 AM
04/07/07 11:09 AM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 307
2
2940831 Offline OP
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2940831  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 307
Thanks for not giving up on me, 1210. And thanks for the post. It helped me to think about a lot of things from a different perspective.

In fact, maybe that is why I ask so many questions all the time and then ask them in different ways again - because for some reason I need to hear it said a certain way or a certain amount of times or when I'm in a certain mental state, etc., in order to truly "get it" or accept it or understand it or whatever it may be. To that end, maybe this is why I am the same way with H. I just think that if I say the right thing or say it a certain way that he'll agree with me, do what I want him to do, etc. Hmmm... Just a thought. Lin, I know you said you were the same way I am about this. Thoughts?

BTW, where is my buddy, Virginia???? Have you guys seen her lately?

Quote:
You aren't weak, you lost yourself by giving him your personal
power


I didn't FEEL like I was this way BEFORE this happened... Sure, I depended on him for "man stuff," - no offense intended to the ladies who do these things themselves - but things like fixing the toilet, changing the oil in the cars, trimming the big trees in our yard, cleaing out the gutters on the house, repairing my car if it breaks down, etc. It's only natural, though maybe not healthy, when you're married for each person to take on certain roles and activities within the marriage. For us, the roles we took/take on compliment each other very well, both in our personal lives and in our business (well, except for the sex and personal communication issues). So, you may find this hard to believe, but I AM very independent. I enjoy being by myself. It gives me strength and helps me to focus. It makes me happy. It centers me. So... when we were "together," I often "cherished" the nights he would go out with the guys, go away for the weekend, go visit his parents, etc. I got some alone time!!! We saw each other frequently - mostly at the business and job sites, so it was a welcome and healthy "break" for us. So I DON'T feel like I was clingy and needy before - quite the opposite. Unfortunately, the very thing that used to bring me such pleasure is now tearing me apart, that being being by myself. It allows me too much time for my mind to wander, for my emotions to spiral - I'm not being "forced" to keep my wits about me.

It was only after this happened that I realized I don't think how much I "depend" on him, but rather how much I had made him a part of my world - there's the personal life, the business life, the social life, and the family life. Although we each contributed to all of those things, WE DID IT ALL TOGETHER for the most part. I didn't DEPEND on him for these things; we BOTH contributed something to all of these things, and I cherished my alone time as well. Now, without him, I just feel like EVERYTHING has changed so much since we were so involved with all of those aspects together. I don't know if that makes sense....

And I've NEVER really had a lot of friends. My "style" has been to find a few close friends and protect that friendship with my life. As I said, I enjoy(ed) my alone time and often would much prefer sitting down and reading a mindless magazine for an evening rather than going out to dinner with a friend or something. It wasn't that I didn't ENJOY going out or seeing my friends - I guess it just wasn't my "preference."

So, now I find myself in a position where being alone is the absolute WRONG thing to do right now, AND I don't have a lot of friends, AND the ones I do have know us both very well (except for the one I told you about that I saw the movie with the other night that is going through a separation). AND I have no family here besides H's, except my Mom and Dad, who live about 3 hours away.

Again, no excuses, but for those of you who were/are naturally more social and have a lot of friends and family around, I surmise that helped a great deal - or maybe I'm wrong; maybe it was harder because you were around them more and had to answer questions about H and your R?

So, I guess bottom line... if you feel like I've lost my power, how do I GET my power back? How do I BECOME strong like you guys? Will this just naturally come a little at a time with GALing and letting him go?

And, again, it feels like you're expecting me to be able to just flip some switch to just "stop" doing all of these things. I DO see that they are unproductive; I need your help and advice on HOW to make this better. Again, is it just by GALing and letting him go for now?

AND since I have to work so much right now to get caught up, what can I do during those alone times to not allow myself to spiral out of control? I work towards pushing the negative thoughts out of my mind when they enter - I use the stop sign method. But inevitably they come right back... Thus, me going from strong to a breakdown in seemingly seconds sometimes. I actually need to DO something to help completely take my mind OFF of the R, H, me, etc. And having to sit behind a computer by myself the whole day isn't exactly ideal for that...

However, when I have to go meet people at the job site and have appointments and whatnot, I do okay. Do I feel like my old self and like the world is my oyster? Absolutely not. But at least I can hold myself together and not have a meltdown in front of them. The pain is still gut-wrenching; it's just buried in the bottom of my stomach - temporarily unfortunately. But 95% of the work I have to get caught up on right now is stuff I need to do at the office - by myself.

Anyway, thoughts on this?

Also, I am so tired of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep for a few hours... Have any of you had any luck with doing anything before bed that allows you to actually sleep through the night? I was sooooooo tired last night. I thought I was going to sleep for 24 hours (and I was so excited about that...) But, alas, here I am again awake in the middle of the night... Will ask doctor if any of the meds may be causing this. However, before I got the meds, this was happening already. I was getting a grasp on it before the first trip and was able to sleep fairly well most nights. But now.... ugh.

Okay, and finally for tonight... about Easter. H still hasn't brought it up (surprise, he's "avoiding thinking about something" again...) He told me he is going to work with his Dad on his racecar tomorrow during the day (hopefully it will help our cause for him to be around his family and not backfire and make him feel like that SHE would be a better fit to make him happy??). At any rate, I'll think good thoughts about him doing tht tomorrow. Then tomorrow night he said he was going to a friend's house to play poker. BTW, I didn't ASK him what he was doing tomorrow. It simply came up because I had scheduled an appointment for both of us for tomorrow afternoon and when checking to make sure that the date/time worked for him, that is when he told me these things. But he didn't talk about Sunday/Easter at all.

So, if he doesn't bring it up, I'm NOT going to go, okay? I pray that nothing happens to his grandmother before I see her again (it would be awkward for me to just go see her without H).

If he does bring it up, I'm not sure what I'll do yet. I have a feeling that the more likely thing will be that H's Mom will call me to ask me about it. However, she would have usually called me before now regarding plans for the weekend. So maybe she has already mentioned it to H and H has already told her that we're too busy to go or something and just didn't tell me that...

Anyway, if I don't go, that will mean I have that much more time to work this weekend, which is good right now. And if H goes without me without saying anything to me, HE can explain while I'm not there. He already told me regarding the trip to his parents' home that he didn't want to go by himself because it would be awkward to explain to them why I wasn't there - well, good! Let it be awkward for him! He ultimately made the choice to go to this extreme - he needs to start dealing with some of the fallout from it.

Oh, quick side note... Regarding the OW "letting" him go on these trips, I believe that H told her they were business trips and did not tell her that I was going on them with him. Otherwise, unless she has absolutely no manners or thoughts about anyone else's feelings, I don't think she would have been texting him when WE were on our trip together nor when he was at his parents' house with me. I could be wrong; H could have even initiated the contacts. I just can't believe that OW would be so inconsiderate as to communicate with him if she truly new the situations he was in. I purposely do not call him after a certain time at night or on the weekends - worried that I'm going to call when they're together or whatnot. Maybe it's not right for me to feel that way. Maybe I shouldn't care when I call him and, again, let him deal with the fallout from it.

Okay, bedtime (or at least I'll try...)

You're right: I CAN do this.... if I want him back, and I do with all of my heart and soul. Please keep pushing me to do the things I need to do to make this happen. I know I ultimately am the one who needs to implement these things, but please just keep kicking me in the butt and encouraging me. It really helps when you tell me that what I'm doing in the past/now is only making things worse rather than helping and that the best - if not the ONLY - chance that I have of getting him back is if I willingly and purposefully go on this journey and let him go on his.

Side bar (since I think we're close to the 6 month mark of this A with OW, and they obviously have not ended it yet, should I be more worried? - I hate possibly not falling into the "most A's end within 6 months" statement. It scares me...)

Okay - sleep NOW.

1210, thanks for sticking with me and shedding some not new light but some light from a different angle for me. That helped a lot.

I hope you're feeling better.

Re: NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: 12102006] #1003908
04/07/07 11:39 AM
04/07/07 11:39 AM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 458
H
HeartScared Offline
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HeartScared  Offline
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H
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 458
Hello 2940,

As promised I found some links with the health professional information on xanax.

I wanted to mention to you that part of the reason why it is sometimes prescribed three times a day is to keep a uniform level of the drug in your system to help ward of anxiety attacks. So you may ask your docotr if this is an option for you. You mentioned something about bipolar disorder. Xanax is NOT recommended for bipolar disorder, however you have had many periods of stability in your life correct?

I am glad you looked it up on your own very good, make sure you ask plenty of questions. I want you to keep in mind that those symptoms affect bipolar people all the time and manifest themselves greater in periods of high stress. Bipolar disorder is a complicated mental condition so it will definantely need a psychiatrist's treatment for the rest of a person's life, but IMHO it would have already surfaced by now earlier in your life. Also sleep deprivation can have similar effects. Here is a good article to read about that. http://bipolar.about.com/cs/sleep/a/0002_mood_sleep.htm

Have you looked into alternate forms of anxiety or stress relief yet? That is very important you do that. Even in the information from professional health care providers on the use of Xanax it is advised they advise their patients of finding alternative methods. I noticed you mentioned going to the gym again. Very good, even try some new stuff, salsa dancing, belly dancing. Any physical movement will help you. Do you do any meditation? I know that many people find meditation tremendously helpful. Yoga would be a very good one for you too.

"Advise patient with anxiety to take as needed and to seek alternative methods for controlling or preventing anxiety (eg, stress reduction, counseling)."
http://www.drugs.com/ppa/alprazolam.html

Alprazolan is the offical/generic name for Xanax.

I understand your doctor said it was ok to take a second tablet if the first had not taken effect after an hour, however acoording to this fact sheet for professionals maximum absorption of xanax does not occir until 2 hours after you take the pill. http://www.drugs.com/pro/alprazolam.html A second pill within an halfhour to an hour it too fast.

2940 is it possible to make a journal of when you take your meds and when you have bad anxiety attacks? There may be correlation. For example you may take two dosages within an hour, how soon after that do you experience your next set back? It may be that the set back is comes when the medication level suddenly drops in your system. This information would give your doctor and pharmacist more insight into how the medication is affecting you. It will also let you see if there is a pattern emerging. Make sure to include what you ate or drank along with your meds.

Please 2940 talk to you pharmacist as well. They have a different understanding of EXACTLY how medications react chemically. I have a pharmacist who actually called my docotor once and questioned my prescription because it went against what she knew about a dosage.

Sending you hugs 2940.

* This is not medical advise, it is just to provide awareness so questions can be formulated and asked to a professional health care provider.

Last edited by HeartScared; 04/07/07 11:48 AM.
Re: NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: 2940831] #1004251
04/07/07 07:31 PM
04/07/07 07:31 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,056
Florida
1
12102006 Offline
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12102006  Offline
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1
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,056
Florida
Tam

You are WRONG...now IS the time to be alone, to regroup, to focus
on you...move your office back home. Alone time will allow you
to get your work done without being focused on him, when he
comes and goes...right now, let the friends go...you need to
catch up. Work your butt off...you will be so empowered by
getting things completed.

You get your power back by accomplishing things by yourself.
You don't need to be within the same building of your husband
to do this...that, is what prevents you from working.

There is nothing you can say or do to control him...but you can
control yourself...

My H's affair lasted 2 yrs. - mine, 1 1/2 yrs.

You need to let go - allow him the time to miss you...keep it
strictly business...let him wonder what you are doing. The
more you walk away from him, the more he'll be interested.
You won't lose him by detaching - you'll lose him by not detach-
ing...that's a fact.

You can do this..............stop fighting it.............

Re: NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: HeartScared] #1004417
04/08/07 12:00 AM
04/08/07 12:00 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
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25yearsmlc  Offline
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Meow meow!! Scratch scratch!! Cat Fight with HS and 25!! And it's DRUG RELATED!!!

Hrrumph!! 2940-- here's the deal. A bunch of us have been where you are and somehow got the hell out. Not as far as some, but we got "unstuck". But honestly, for ME, it took LOTS of support and most of it came from women. (DB coach also helped a lot, btw) But since others here on this thread have been with you longer, it can start to feel as if we are wasting time/efforts b/c there doesn't seem to be much movement over time. Recall that each one of us have actually been where you are, with some different aspects--the pain of rejection and the fear of the future are the same-- and we're telling you whatever it was that worked for us, or one of our "sistahs", and you gotta try something new, b/c what you are doing is not enough, apparently. Frankly, I think you are about to hit the wall and it'll be pivotal for you. I mean that very very soon, I think, you are just gonna be sick and tired of feeling like crap and you will do whatever the heck it takes to stop the pain in a life changing way--not from numbing it, but from finishing with the crippling part of this. You know down deep, you are a good, lovable woman who deserves better than this. Re-read the posts here. Really. Think about that quote about your life being a novel. Who is writing YOUR life's book? How is this chapter going? is the next chapter going to be written by you and how is IT going to go? Be the author of your life and stop letting a mixed up man write it for you. Besides, with someone else writing it, YOU KNOW it won't go the way YOU want it to. Since this is the only life you know you'll have, make it Your way.

As for getting back to sleep (of course, I SAY "YES" TO DRUGS--Geez, j/k!) seriously, if you aren't sleeping well it does suck, not to mention make you look tired. The wellbutrin is a stimulant to many, so whenin the day do you take it?

What about getting an ipod or some CDs for relaxation? I have some just for those middle of the night horrors, and they do help to calm my brain down when the negative thoughts crash past my walls and get into my head. Find and listen to something that comforts you, or maybe bores you(?) Or both.

In the "dark nights of the soul", it does help to talk to the big guy upstairs. Make a plan ahead of time, for those tough nights. They will become fewer and fewer, and last less and less time. Have faith. As for a specific action recommendation: well, for God's sake, ELIMINATE/REDUCE your contact with your H asap...and RE-read the posts on detachment. GAL and detachment go hand in hand, although I don't think the order matters much. And "faking it 'til you make it" does work. Changing the behavior can lead to a change in emotion, so you don't have to "feel" better first. Make sense?
good luck,
j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: 25yearsmlc] #1004449
04/08/07 12:31 AM
04/08/07 12:31 AM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 328
Mid-West, USA
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Flicka Offline
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You know, 2940, whether you are able to get tough sooner rather than later, please know that the writing here on your thread is some of the best and most useful that I have seen on these boards. I have been reading since "Snodderly was a pup". That means it has been a long time in case you do not visit the MLC world.

I am hoping that somehow all of this good spirit and great advice will get archived for those hurt people that will continue to log on long after your problem has stopped causing you grief. I think this thread distills the misery and also the wisdom that is gained by enduring.

I want to thank those that have posted to you, and reassure them that they are helping many.

Re: NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: 2940831] #1004556
04/08/07 02:25 AM
04/08/07 02:25 AM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,144
CA
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imLIN Offline
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imLIN  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
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CA
Quote:
Lin, it bothered me when you said a few posts ago that I was dependent on H and now dependent on this board... Am I posting too much?


Actually I believe I stated you were codependent...it has nothing to do with posting too much but more with your ability to start making decisions on your own without questioning yourself...you ask us...we tell you...you ask us again (maybe rewording it) and we answer again...this creates a circle that isn't healthy...you need to log your posts so you can go back and reassure yourself if need be...

You did/do this to H as well...although you have appeared to be getting better with this...the sad part for us is we KNOW what you need to do and you fight us on it (sometimes)and then you want us to reassure you that you didn't screw it up...we can't really do that...all we can do is tell you what we have learned and what we have seen work over and over...and we all KNOW that this goes against what we feel we should do...

i.e....how many times have you asked us if your marriage still has hope???...and how many times have we said that there is ALWAYS hope until your spouse D's and remarries???

i.e....you keep fixating on the 6 month mark of H's A...even though we have all told you that it is not in stone...that it doesn't really matter in the long run...just because it might go 1 year or more doesn't mean all is lost and doom has taken over...we keep telling you that you need to place your focus on you and not on H, OW, and A....that is how YOU CAN FIX THIS...but you still reason things to do it your way...including the idea of Easter with his family which I still think it is going to be a BIG EMOTIONAL ELEPHANT FOR YOU...but you use the reason that you don't want to hurt anyone...ever think that this might not hurt anyone???...I have missed major family functions...family understands...they get over it...they don't live and die for you to visit!...not being mean...just honest...

Yes I do appreciate that you are honest...if you weren't it would be a huge waste of all of our time here...but by the same token if you stay stuck no matter what we say...then what is accomplished???

You acknowledge this...but you still continue to do things that are self destructive...case in point...you realized that moving the office was a good idea...we all agreed it was a great idea...you started looking into it and getting ready...then BAM!!!...you slammed that door shut and had all kinds of reasons that it wouldn't be good...sorry, but I still think working away from H is exactly what you need to do...it will give you time to focus and regroup...I think you need to work your but off and then enjoy some time with the girls...have them over...you need to get settled with being alone and being okay with that because you have a JOB to do!

Had a long day....H acted like a butt and everyone wanted to know what his problems was....I just shrugged my shoulders and said "your guess is as good as mine"...we went to a nice Italian Buffett after and he wouldn't even sit with his family...everyone asked him about it and he said he wanted to sit where he sat down...they looked at me...I just said "whatever he wants"...so I am still working on things....I am not feeling out of the woods yet!!!....but I won't bother you with my issues...I can stand this for a while longer...it was much worse (that is what I keep telling myself)

Take care Tam...listen and learn!


Status:

Happy and together
Re: NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: imLIN] #1004601
04/08/07 04:02 AM
04/08/07 04:02 AM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
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Lost_for_now Offline
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Posts: 210
2940,

Hi there. I have been sort of following along with your thread and I wanted to say that I am feeling so many of the same things you are. My W moved out in october '06 and I still feel like I am a wreck! So if you feel like you're going too slow just remember that I'm right there with you!

I too have great difficulty keeping her out of my mind. If I wake up in the early morning then I may as well just get up because thoughts of her creep right in and will not leave.

Anyway, just didn't want you to feel like you were all alone in your feelings or progression through this terrible ordeal.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: 2940831] #1004805
04/08/07 02:25 PM
04/08/07 02:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,194
Australia/Pacific
W
Walking Offline
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Walking  Offline
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Australia/Pacific
Hey gorgeous

It's been a big week, yeah? You sound a lot more grounded today than earlier in the week?

I've been away from the boards, because I've been questioning my right to hand out gratuitous advice left, right and centre when I didn't 'get my husband back'. Your thread has some very experienced DBers posting, many of whom have successfully reconciled with their partners - and here am I waxing lyrical about the benefits of 'finding yourself' when I infact 'found myself' divorced.

Nevertheless, I've just spent the weekend with my x-husband and his sons, my step-sons who I was the primary carer for for 10 years and after some good conversations with him and the boys and some reflection about what we are all doing here after all I've decided to go easy on myself and count myself a DB success after all.

This board and the people who post here saved my life in 2005. The skills I learned here with the help of experienced posters and people experienced in life helped me find the resources that I will draw on for the rest of my life - and not all of them got their husbands back either.

The amazing thing about this community is that it's a great leveller. A collection of woman (and men) from all over the world, all ages, with all sorts of expertise, who generously give of their time and experiences to help us learn.

Now the problem with that is we all come with our own baggage, our own perceptions, biases, bigotry, view of the world. Every poster on here has been through their own personal version of hell. Hence, the zeal with which we hold tight to our own philosophy of what will work and what won't. There are some general principles that will always work - those things that are about

* setting goals
* detaching
* getting a life
* positive mental attitude
* communication - by which I mean loving validation etc

Then there is some other stuff that's more arbitary - like building our own self esteem, losing our victim status, taking back our own power, learning from our mistakes, understanding co-dependency, loving ourselves. Over on the MLC board there is a gorgeous woman who's screen name is Rollercoaster Rider - she's almost made a PhD out of research on midlife crisis. I've disagreed with her from time-to-time on the veracity of some of her research - but regardless she's got a whole library full of other more nebulous psychological issues associated with the relationship crisis we are all going through. (Her husband recently came home for good after a couple of years of going back and forth, so she's onto something!!) All of us have our own set of these personal - what works for us - set of language around the work we need to do on ourselves. Sometimes that's confusing, mostly I think because of language and what means one thing to you might mean something entirely different to me.

My point however is we have the chance on this board to take the information and advice that means something to us and use it.

I admire the way your posts are heartbreakingly honest. Don't lose that.

I talked to my x-husband about you today, I told him your story as you've written it here and he said "Geez - they do sound like us don't they?" He had tears in his eyes. I said yeah, I hope they work it out and he said "I wish I could shake that stupid bloke (referring to your husband), he doesn't know how much he'll lose."

Do I think there is hope for your marriage? Yeah, I do. In fact I will go so far as to say that I'll bet you 5 self help books of your choice that within 12 to 18 months, provided you've done the work you need to do on yourself, healed some of your own stuff and followed the DB principles, he'll tell you he's made the biggest mistake of his life. What I wouldn't bet on is that you'll take him back at that stage.

Righto. Individual counsellor and work to do on oneself. I hear what you are saying about her not being very 'solution focussed' but maybe that's ok for an individual counsellor. Like you've got a DB counsellor for your marriage, but maybe a more traditional style of analysis might be the way to go for your personal issues.

The reason she wants to talk about your childhood and stuff is to help you to figure out why you act a particular way about things that happen. There is a view that all of us have issues because of things that have happened to us since we were born (some new-age psychologists reckon we could even have issues from things that happened to us in past lives!!! mmmmm???).

So what she's getting at is trying to figure out why you have reacted so intensely to this threat to your marriage. The idea is that mental life functions on both conscious and unconscious levels and that childhood events have a powerful psychological influence throughout life. Our unconscious mind is ridiculously powerful and it could be that yours has some damage around abandonment or fear of being alone or whatever that has triggered a disproportionate mental response to your husband signalling the end of your marriage.

You have to admit, it is unusual that, while you were upset, you could cope when he was just sleeping with someone else because you thought there was hope he might come back to you - but when he signalled that he might not come back to you, you really hit the wall. So through a process of analysis, she wants Tam's adult brain to rationally process that (ie husband sleeps with someone, but says he's going to come back to marriage - I'm OK. Husband is sleeping with someone else and is not coming back to the marriage - I'm freaking out) and then decide if that's a response that she thinks she can live with. Rationally, what's the bigger betrayal? Sleeping with someone else or leaving you? But which one did you most react to?

What will happen through that process of looking at some of your reactions and behaviours with a rational adult brain is that you might start to see some patterns that as a grown up you can do without and you can ask your consious mind to work on your unconsious mind to 're-programme' some of the less helpful messages you've been set up to receive.

That sort of work is uncomfortable to do, but it's really worth it because it helps you to understand why you are the way you are - gives you resources to change some of the things you want to change and provides resiliance so that next time you are blindsided, you'll have the knowledge and skills you need to bounce rather than be flattened.

On the issue of sleeping, I'm still not great at it. Hard, sweating, heartrate up to 170 for 30 - 45 mintues every day is very very good. Failing that (and this week I am certainly failing that) I've had the best results by setting up a routine for bedtime. If I take the dog for a quick walk, have a shower, make a cup of tea, read a chapter of my novel and then put the ear phones on with a relaxation cd, I generally sleep like a baby.

Routine is good. Relaxation DVDs are good. Warm milk is good. Hot showers are good. Prayer is good. (I'm such a preacher though - I almost turned into an alcoholic in my first year of so of this because I was so scared to go to bed and lie awake that I'd drink a bottle of wine every night to make me pass out. I DO NOT advocate that method, but I tell you so you can feel superior if I sound like I'm being a know-it-all!!!)

Good decision re Easter. I know it'll be hard for you, but it's the right decision.

Tam, I know you are doing the best you can, as fast as you can. I don't know where the on/off switch is that makes you switch from a mediocre DBer to a great one. I think it just takes time.

You are very lucky to have such good advice from experienced women here on your thread. The advice is tough and the views are not sugar coated - and that's for your own good.

Take care and keep posting.

Thinking of you. V

PS. My e-mail address is perkins_virginia@hotmail.com if you ever want to just e-mail me. Cheers


V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
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