A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL CYBER MONDAY OFFER!
Save $90 -- November 29-December 1 only
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $300

CALL 303-444-7004 or use code: SAVE90 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Tired of the bombs dropping. #996220
03/31/07 09:10 PM
03/31/07 09:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
L
Lost_for_now Offline OP
Member
Lost_for_now  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
Hello everyone,

As can probably be said for everyone that shows up here, I wish I could be in a different forum! Ah well, we take what life gives us I guess.

The details of my story can be found in the links in my signature for those that are interested. Briefly, my WAW up and left in mid-October and moved into an apartment. That was the first bomb dropped, and probably hit me the hardest. I have since done much in the way of GAL and I tried to DB my butt off. At several points I truly believed things were changing for her but I was disappointed at every turn.

Through what I call this personal growth period I figured out that following our marriage I sank into a pretty severe depression. I retreated from my W and my marriage. As an aside, my W and I were married in August '05 so the walls came tumbling down fast for us. I was pulling away from my W so much that she really felt alone in the marriage. After several months of this she had had enough and left. I would guess it was a period of 6 months or so that I was at my worst. Add to that the fact that she wanted kids and I (at that time) did not and you get where I am now. She had denied from the very start that there was an OM but I always felt there was in my gut.

Long story short, I found out yesterday that she is seeing someone. No surprise, but man it still was a punch to the gut. I always felt that if I just knew if there was an OM it would make me feel better. See, I needed a reason that all this was happening to me and what I had been given just wasn't adequate. But with an OM in the picture it would answer so many questions. Be careful what you wish for I guess. Now I can't stop thinking about my wife with another man. It's awful.

Upon learning of this new man I asked her who else knew and she toldme no one. I told her that was going to change. Not my finest DB moment but I emailed her mother and let her know what was going on. We have a good relationship and my W's mom and dad have been as baffled by my W's behavior as I have. I told them because they actually suspected it was a possibility as well but dismissed it with 'she wouldn't do that'

Well guess what, she did. Now my wife is claiming that it was 'just one date, only went out for coffee, didn't even kiss him!' But hoe do I believe a sigle word that comes from her mouth? I don't. Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do, right?

Fact is, I believe that if that really was their first date then he wasn't the first guy she's dated since our problems started. Of course up until the latest bomb she had been very adamant about remaining friends throughout this. She realizes now that that is impossible. I now understand that it was only to soothe her own guilt. If we are still friends, then I am okay and she didn't hurt me. Crazy way of thinking...

Anyway, as of now she has informed me that we will have no more communication and she will not be answering any more of my questions because all I ever do is take what she says and throw it back in her face and she's not falling into that trap again. All her words, not mine.

She goes to Vegas for this whole upcoming week for work and she has informed me that when she gets back from Vegas she will be getting our carpets cleaned as well as some of the walls repainted so as to get the house ready to sell. Oh, and she will also immediately be filing for divorce. Another nice punch to the gut for me.

So here I sit waiting to get served.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: Tired of the bombs dropping. [Re: Lost_for_now] #996574
04/01/07 04:24 AM
04/01/07 04:24 AM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 9,929
Illinois
BethM Offline
Member
BethM  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 9,929
Illinois
Hi LFN,

I remember so well being in the place you are now. It's not a fun place to be. You sound as if your close to your family and that's a very good thing. You'll need their support.

You know they say that when someone leaves whether they admit it or not it is usually because they have someone waiting in the wings. Very few people are motivated to leave and be alone.

I can understand that your wife was probably feeling somewhat disillusioned by your depression and you not wanting kids. Still going outside of your marriage was a cop out. You had only been married a short time. Every new marriage has a period of adjustment. It seems as if some people just don't want to do the work. Maybe it was nothing more then that, and perhaps you'll never really know.

The person that you need to worry about now is you. Know that you are a good person who will be happy in time. It's good that you are on this board. You'll get great advice and you'll also see that life does go on.

Bethie


"put me in Coach - I'm ready to play today;
look at me. I can be centerfield"/John Fogerty
Re: Tired of the bombs dropping. [Re: BethM] #996605
04/01/07 08:41 AM
04/01/07 08:41 AM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
L
Lost_for_now Offline OP
Member
Lost_for_now  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
BethM

You really say some amazing things.

"Very few people are motivated to leave and be alone"

I have never seen it put that way, but that is so perfectly succinct the way you phrased it. I think that really speaks to something I have thought about for a while now. Namely, does anyone know of a WAW that did NOT have an OM? Seems pretty tough to find.

"Some people just don't want to do the work."

Just a great line by you Beth, and I think it perfectly fits my W. She chose to run rather than fight for her marriage.

Thank you for your words, I am not looking forward to the next steps in my saga.

I appreciate your reply to me.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: Tired of the bombs dropping. [Re: Lost_for_now] #996705
04/01/07 02:46 PM
04/01/07 02:46 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
L
Lost_for_now Offline OP
Member
Lost_for_now  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
I still find myself thinking about her all the time, wondering if she is with OM. I am feeling very scared and alone today.

As a result of the depression I was in while we were still together my W stopped confiding things in me. We didn't really talk anymore, and that is probably when and how I lost her. The frightening thing about that is, since I haven't been that person to her for so long, what in the world would ever bring her back to me? As far as I can tell, nothing

I sit here now and the knowledge that she is gone and is never coming back is just washing over me. The person I was when she left is not someone she would ever look back on and say 'I miss that guy, I want to go back.'

The question is, would she ever truly accept that I had no control over what happened to me (depression) and remember the 'good' me? I doubt it. I think that the four years we were together (only 1.5 years married) have been forgotten by her and replaced by OM. I fear that OM will not make the mistakes I made and will keep her happy forever. And shouldn't that make me happy?

Right now that doesn't make me feel better, because it would also be a constant reminder that I failed her as a husband.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: Tired of the bombs dropping. [Re: Lost_for_now] #996710
04/01/07 03:01 PM
04/01/07 03:01 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,841
Alabama
J
Jeff223 Offline
Member
Jeff223  Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,841
Alabama
I will not blow smoke up your butt. You took a big blow and it sucks big time. I have been there and I think I know how you feel.

You have a right to feel that way so let it all out.

I can promise that the sun will come up soon but the storm needs to run its course.

Strength and Honor. I can post an email if you need to talk off board.


Jeff

Current Thread
Re: Tired of the bombs dropping. [Re: Jeff223] #997054
04/02/07 12:32 AM
04/02/07 12:32 AM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
L
Lost_for_now Offline OP
Member
Lost_for_now  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
Thank you Jeff, I was really hoping that you would reply. I feel like I am in a very bad place right now. It's like I said, I wanted to know but I didn't understand how much pain there would be. I thought I was ready for it, but I learned that you're never ready for that kind of news.

My W called me today. I was at a hockey game with my dad so I didn't get the message until I got back home a while ago. She left a vmail basically expressing that she was sorry we got in such a big fight on Friday (the day I found out about OM).

I just now returned her call, and not surprisingly there was no answer. Of course, armed with my new information I now have the luxury of imagining why she didn't answer the phone. Is she with him? What are they doing? Is he touching her? You know, all the fun stuff. I know that that kind of thinking will eat me alive if it continues, but how do you possibly stop it?

Thank you for the offer of your email address. I think I'd really like that.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: Tired of the bombs dropping. [Re: Lost_for_now] #997131
04/02/07 02:37 AM
04/02/07 02:37 AM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,841
Alabama
J
Jeff223 Offline
Member
Jeff223  Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,841
Alabama
jbg223 at knology.net

Anytime.

You in a bad place? Yes. Will it get worse? Yes.

Did you not see my claw marks and my blood on the wall when they threw you in the cell?

It sucks does it not??? Dark and damp.

Our wonderful wives. Imagine how they have us by the balls. Who would have thought?

Well I still promise the sun will come up soon.

For now, feel the pain.

Then we need to work on you. But not now.

I will say one more thing. I consider myself a very strong guy. I will share this with you - the thought of ending it all entered my mind more than once. I have a mentor here - an outstanding man, the model of a true man - but he told me the same thing; he had the same thoughts. If that thought crosses your mind and you cannot shake it - get help. Enough said. As the ad says if you already sent in the payment, please ignore this reminder.

I am asking you to trust me. You have been given a wonderful gift.

Strength and Honor.


Jeff

Current Thread
Re: Tired of the bombs dropping. [Re: Jeff223] #997141
04/02/07 02:59 AM
04/02/07 02:59 AM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 9,929
Illinois
BethM Offline
Member
BethM  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 9,929
Illinois
Gee LFN,

I know that right now you are in the worsy part of this journey, and I also know how great the pain is, but please know that you have friends here who want to help.

This is certainly no walk in the park and there is no quick fix, but I can promise you that when you've worked through the grief and pain you will find happiness once again.

You know, when I was going through this and at my absolute worst I had to keep telling myself that this was all happening for a reason and eventually I would understand, and now I totally do!

Take care...............

Bethie


"put me in Coach - I'm ready to play today;
look at me. I can be centerfield"/John Fogerty
Re: Tired of the bombs dropping. [Re: BethM] #997259
04/02/07 09:41 AM
04/02/07 09:41 AM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
L
Lost_for_now Offline OP
Member
Lost_for_now  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
Jeff and BethM,

Thank you both SO much. It feels so good to have people here that understand what I am going through and know the kind of pain something like this causes.

I am getting this wonderful side benefit from this ordeal, which is that if I wake up early in the morning my thoughts immediately go to her with 'him' and falling back asleep just won't happen. I'll have to remember to thank her for that.

I start a brand new job on May 1st, and I need to have it together by then. At least, I need to be in a better place than I am now.

Jeff, my wife always was a lousy gift giver. Not sure how this latest one could be considered great, but it would be a first for her. Kinda ironic I guess.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: Tired of the bombs dropping. [Re: Lost_for_now] #997880
04/02/07 07:39 PM
04/02/07 07:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
L
Lost_for_now Offline OP
Member
Lost_for_now  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
Thought about it today, and I do not hate my W. Parts of me wish I could as I think it would make the 'moving on' part easier. I need to see her more as the person that gave up on a marriage and is cheating on me than the person that I proposed to.

Also need to find a way to get thoughts of W with OM out of my head. Not sure there is a way, except for letting time pass. That sounds like a lousy option right now.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004