I have read most of book love must be tough, though I read it basically in a day. I really need to re-read it. At this point I have read whatever I can get hands on this subject. Though the only book that I felt empowered by me was DR book. The fact that I was being told that I can help the sitch by changing myself and making myself happy was much better to hear then sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
Fud,
You are right they do need to make it a point to let my W know that I have fought this for sometime. The people confronting her are people I know she respects so I am praying that she will be receptive to it. Thanks for chiming in, everyone is invited to.
Here is my update: I had a rough day yesterday, I was pretty depressed and could not shake it. I saw my C yesterday after work and she did not help me much either. You know you are sitch looks gloomy when your C says yeah it doesn't look good. I told hear that I appreciated her honest but she wasn't helping any. Miracles do and can still happen which is what I am praying for.... we will see.
Well my wife did finally called me last night and was pleasant. She actually touched me yesterday. WooHoo..... Yeah it was only my hand but on her own accord she touched me. Listen to this when she was reading in bed she actually used my shoulder to hold her book up..... I know that I am being pathetic, but I will take anything at this point in time. My wife also looked me in the eyes for more then 30 seconds yesterday. I know big stuff. I think she was trying to get me to stay up and take care of the puppy. I did not fall for that move, but it was nice to have her look at me for an extended period of time. Well I will check back later today. I hope everyone has a great day.
I say good for you !! it seems to me that a slight touch, a long look and using your shoulder as a book prop are all things she would do only if she didn't feel any tension at the moment... it is an inspiration to me that you were able to keep your cool about it. I was recently with my SO at a play and she rested her head on my shoulder for a few minutes during the intermission. i was overjoyed as it felt so "normal", i however did not keep my cool about it, i told her after the show how good and normal that moment was for me... i was such a schmuck.... you are a rock in comparison.
keep it up...
your C is just a paid opinion and everyone has their misperceptions, only you can be the true judge of whats really happening in your lives. I have not seen a C or MC (yet) and not to cast aspersions on yours, but coming from a teaching background i believe in positive reinforcement. if she actually just said "it doesn't look good" and offered no constructive, positive input to help you, you are probably paying her too much. just my humble opinion, no harm meant, hopefully she was more constructive than your email describes....
Me-40 Her-38 together 18yrs EA summer 06/ PA fall 06-BombDropped-xmas 06 (ILYBINILWY - Just Friends?) Moved out -3/20/07 - Moving further away bcz of poor DBing ?4/15 story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=999831
"Miracles do and can still happen which is what I am praying for.... we will see."
don't know if you've seen this before or not, but i came across it last nite thanks to another member here and it was quite meaningful to me, thought it might be good for you (or any of us for that matter) to see. It comes from http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Adlam1.html
"Miracles manifest themselves every day, minute, second…
Miracles are thought of as some mythical creature that only presents itself once in a lifetime. This is simply not the case. When you start to realize that miracles are not as uncommon as we are lead to believe, you will fill the gap between what you want and having certainty that you can receive it.
Miracles are much like beauty, there are in the eye of the beholder. It can be something as small as hearing from a loved one you faught and were afraid to contact yourself or it can be recieving the gift of life from a total stranger. What may be a miracle to one may not be a miracle to another, but it doesn’t make it any less miraculous. Stop for a moment and think about what a miracle means to you. Now realize that you have the potential to make it happen."
in my opinion, we shall not just accept our fate, we shall create it.
elmr
Me-40 Her-38 together 18yrs EA summer 06/ PA fall 06-BombDropped-xmas 06 (ILYBINILWY - Just Friends?) Moved out -3/20/07 - Moving further away bcz of poor DBing ?4/15 story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=999831
After work last night I meet my family for dinner out and was planning on going to church with all of them for a Good Friday service. Well I did go to church with everybody but my wife, she I guess went to her sisters church 40min away.
Maybe I am getting ahead of myself. What happened with your paster confronting your W. Well it did not happen yesterday. They did not want to ambush my wife, so they called her and are waiting on her to call them back. Which will not happen. So now back to dinner. My wife doesn't like me talking to my friend for support because she thinks that everything that I tell him gets back to our head pastor and that is why he called out of the blue yesterday. The crazy thing is that I have been preventing them from confronting my W. It is not that they haven't wanted to talk to her, I have been stopping it. I just the other day finally said fine, do what you need to do.
Well after church my W was planning on spending the night at my IL's but after my MIL talked to my 5DD she was concerned for her. I guess my FIL called and told my wife that she couldn't spend the night and that she needed to go home so that my 5DD could see her in the morning. Well my wife did come home to sleep last night but once we all got out of bed her and the puppy were gone. I have no idea were she is at or how to answer my DD question of were is her mommy at. WTF.....my W is a great mom but she doesn't see that her current actions are not only tearing me apart but are tearing the kids up.
Oh, I guess I made a DB no no yesterday. I knew that my pastor called her and left a message on her cell phone, so I was currious if she recieved the message or not. Well for the first time in a couple of weeks I checked the phone records to see if she atleast retrieved her voicemail from our pastor. Well I saw at that time that she did not recieve the voicemail, but I did see that the OM called my W twice that morning and I saw my W had like 20+ conversations to her works #. I have not confronted her with this info and am not planning to... It just sucked to see again.....
Elmr, As for miracles, I agree that they are all around us. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.
ERC, I'm so sorry that you and your D are going through this. It certainly seems at time that our spouses have lost their minds that they could such little regard for their families.
Don't beat yourself up too hard for the snooping, you are human after all, but it does make you feel worse. I just got to the point where I knew he had OW and I knew that they would probably be together, but I just didn't want to know anything about it. It just made me feel worse. At this point there is nothing we can do to change their minds so we just have to change ourselves and be the best parents we can be. I have found that it really helps spending time with my Ds.
By the way my D did make the high school dance team for the 2nd year in a row! Thanks for your encouragement. We went out last night to dinner to celebrate with some of the other girls who made it and their parents. It was very nice. I'm the lucky one who gets to share this with my D. I have many positives in my life, and I'm trying to concentrate on them. I'm sure you also have several positives in your life, so take time to appreciate them. It's the best therapy for all of us going through this!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Glad to hear that your daughter made the dance team - thats awesome.
Here is todays update: Well my W came home today and claimed to be at the gym. Why she had the puppy and went to the gym is beyond me nor did she look like she worked out. I then went bought some donuts for all of us. My wife and D5 then went out and did some shopping for D's b-day party. Once they came home I actually took off for a little while - no real plans just got out of the house. My W is now on her way to work so I will not see her until tomorrow.
Interesting phone call I just recieved from my W girlfriend. She asked me how I was holding up to which I answered honestly. I mentioned that I found out that my W recieved a phonecall from the OM to which she informed me that it wasn't the OM, but the OM W. I guess according to her friend the OM W will not leave my W alone. This was news to me since my W does not talk to me. I guess I'm still jumping to conclusions. But another thing that I learned is that my W girlfriend seems to be in favor of my W leaving me - ouch... I thought that she was friends with us both, I guess not. The thing that sucks is that my W has really been confiding in this friend and this is the advice that she is getting - that really sucks. Oh well, I just have to get a life.
Alright this sucks.... I have the kids tonight which does not suck, but I as the day goes on it seems to be getting harder and harder for me. Thank goodness for this site it gives me some relief.
We are having a Easter/Birthday party tomorrow at our home. So I have been trying to straighten things up around the house. Here is the sucky part for me. While in our bedroom I found a letter that my wife wrote and gave to me Christmas day. It was a reminder of how much my wife has loved me and knowing were we are currently at in our R. Christmas. Christmas. She wrote this to me for Christmas and few weeks later she is starting an A. I should type the whole thing out and you can see for yourself how amazing my wife is and why this all is so devistating to me.
Here is few small samples from the letter my W wrote to me for Christmas. "You amaze me, in how you continually love me. That you have not given up on me..on us. You have not settled on second best in our relationship with one another. Your pursuit for the abundant life in Christ is becoming more and more evident this past year. I am truely a blessed woman to be chosen to be your bride"
"Thankyou for being my best friend. For this is the best gift I could have recieved this year"
"I commit to becoming a wife...your wife, who finds complete satisfaction in her God and the man He has blessed her with."
"EmtnRllrCstr, I eagerly await what the next 10 years has in store for us. More importantly I can't wait to experiance the memories we will make and share between us"
"This Christmas I choose you....I choose us, I choose our children. Loving you and laughing with you."
How does one go from feeling like this to having absolutely no feeling towards me in such a short period of time. How? How? How?
Today started off uneventfull. We went to church, great service, and had family over for lunch. The party was an Easter/birthday party for D5. The party was nice, it is always nice to be around family. I haven't said anything to my parents about my sitch until today. I told my dad a little about what was going on. He did not have much to say, but I wasn't really expecting him to say much. After everyone left I went for a run which it was nice to clear my head. After I showered up I decided to get out of the house for sometime for myself. I actually packed a bag incase I decided to not come home for the night. Well the wife was not thrilled that I was able to just leave and have sometime to myself. She tried to make me feel guilty for taking off and why can't she do that she tells me.... Everytime I want time to myself she says she gets yelled at by her parents and sister. Well I told her that was her own guilt and not mine. I told her that she gets plenty of alone time it is up to her as to how she uses it. I mentioned it did not matter if she went into work or went to be by herself, her time alone is plenty and it is up to her how she uses it. I again re-stated that we should be in counseling together, which she acknowledge. I then left and as I left I said to myself F-it, I turned around and told her I did not care if she couldn't reciprocate my feelings but that I loved her and left.
I went to a friends house for a while and I am now home. Hopefully I will be allowed in bed. We will see.
1. Stop the snooping; it's killing you. 2. Stop confiding in everyone, it's hurting your relationship. 3. Stop thinking that other people are going to help your wife snap out of it. 4. She's having an affair, deal with it. 5. Get a life, fast. 6. She has permission-giving friends, it's all part of the game.
I agree the snooping kills me, that is why I stoppped it. Until, my curiousity got the best of me the other day. The crazy thing was I did not look to see if they were talking I just wanted to know if she got the message from our pastor. I should not have looked at the phone records. Now thinking back about looking to see if she was talking to him or to see if she got the message from our pastor - does me no good either way. Either way it is out of my hands.
I do realize that confiding in others is not good for our R, but, it does help me deal with the sitch. I know get a C.
I also realize that my W will not just snap out of it...it will only take time. This is hard to deal with when I'm living with her being so cold hearted towards me.
I know do not confide in others. So I keep screwing this up. Last night I went to my friends house who I have been confiding in from the beginning and talked to his W for awhile. Without the A she was were my W currently is at a couple of years ago. All the things that my W is saying and feeling about me, she said to her H. It took them about one and half years of counseling before things got better for them. So I was encouraged by her and that our sitch is bad but not without hope. She did say that we have to start going the MC together. Hopefully that will start soon...
Throughout this experiance I am learning a lot about myself. Thinking about life experiances that I haven't thought about in years. In the end this whole experiance will make me a stronger person, it just hurts like hell going through it.
