I have been on and off these boards for a while, since I heard about DB. I read the book, read advice on the boards, but I think I must be the biggest idiot around.
Here's my sitch. January 2005 husband gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. I of course freaked out. I had a daughter, then 2 and a newborn, only 3 months old. After the speech, he started working late and on weekends etc... Again, I freaked out. I begged him to stay, I wanted reassurance, basically wouldn't let up. I got to the point where I thought I was going to go crazy and I gave him an ultimatum. Be committed to your marriage or leave. Of course, stupid move, I know that now. And of course, he left. I begged and begged for him to come back. He wouldn't.
I finally found Michelle's book. I started trying to DB, but I have no patience and by then I felt like I just blew it anyway. So here I am now. It's been 1 and a half years since he moved out, 2 years since the speech. We basically live like we are divorced, although, legally we are not. I again, thought I couldn't take it anymore and last weekend I just told him that it's a choice to be in love with someone and he is choosing not too and it's just plain wrong. I said a whole bunch of things and honestly just thought it was all too late anyway. I told him that he doesn't play by any rules and so neither do I have too.
After that, I didn't call or speak to him. I already wasn't, but I'd email every other day or so to ask a question about the kids or tell him something. He is always nice and interested in the kids stuff. But I just stopped and here's what happened.
Monday, he picked them up to take them to preschool, like he usually does, I left when he got here. He sent me an email to tell me how the morning went. I did not reply. Tuesday was my morning and he called me at work to see how my morning went (he never does that). I said it was ok, was short on the phone and said I had to go. Wednesday, his morning again, he emailed to tell me how the morning was and to tell me that the kids' teachers want a family photo for open house so we should take one together because the kids would want that. I didn't respond. Thursday, his morning again, got an email in the afternoon about how the morning was. Friday, my morning, left him a message about open house days, when he returned my call didn't pick up. He came last night (Friday) to pick them up since it's his weekend. Asked if I got his message and I said yes, asked why I didn't call back, I said I didn't feel like it.
OK, so WHAT DO I DO NOW? Is it too late? It feels too late. It really does. Have I completely blown it? I know, I was stupid and couldn't control my emotions. Now I just feel like we are done. For the first time, I am actually feeling open to maybe meeting someone or dating. I think I've really giving up, but I still love my husband. I don't know what do to.
It sounds like to me he is trying to reconnect to you. It does not sound like you have blown it at all. It sounds like your non-interest in him has him curious. You did a 180. The ball is in your court. It is your life, you can either show a little little little bit of interest or find someone new.
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
I agree. But be very careful and causious. I have discovered that when they make a small sign of interest or affection they will turn back and become the evil spouse! Often acting to a far worse degree than the degree of niceness they displayed. Multitude of reasons, first they want justification for walking away in the first place so they act mean to get the reaction from you that led the away. Second, they want to tell you that they still do not want you. Third, they are confused teenagers that do not know what they are doing.
What do we do. Suck it up, maintain the high road. If things are bad, just stay the heck away. My w. is so nice when she wants something, then turns on me like a rabit dog! I know it is coming so I have learned to be nice and then run away. Right now we are having (mostly me) a hard time being around each other. I do not like the way she is acting and have better things to do than be kicked in the guts due to her own insecurities. Frankly these MLC's mostly need us more than we need them. At least I see that in my w. case. She does not need me emotionally, but she sure likes the lifestyle I give her and the back work. Be calm, careful and keep your guard up.
Your recent sitch reads just like the "classic" pursuit and distancing dance. You stopped pursuing and he started it! If I understand what I've read, you need to keep on living your life and staying distanced until you reach a "real" happy medium that is not merely a reaction to him. If you return to pursuing him he will most probably start to distance again. Now mind you, this is just what I've read, but your sitch looks pretty classic, and just like the way it is described in The Solo Partner.
Good luck and give yourself a big pat on the back for being able to pull back so well.
I have no words of wisdom, it helped me alot to figure out what I wanted. In my case I will fight for my M to the death (death of what??? don't know). With two litle ones I know it's hard, but if you can find the time and walk or meditate it really helps me "clear my head" and move forward.
You are ahead of the game. Really. You are doing what many cannot. Is it too late? Really? Your H is coming around and wanting to know how you are doing. Know how many people here would love for that from their spouses?
Sno, Keep doing what you are doing, SLOWLY admit him back into your life. Do this SLOWLY, almost so slow that he doesn't even notice.
You are doing great.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Great that you did not jump feet first into his openings for contact. My reasons may be similar and different to the others but you can never get too much info.
You have been reading enough to be familiar with the concept of one baby step forward and two big boy steps backward. You jump on the baby step with big hopes, and he steps back. I think the others have more reading insight into the distancer pursuer issue.
Another aspect here is that your detachment is your guardian angel. Do not turn your back on her too quickly. Keep her close and within arms reach when you do have contact with him. She will keep you safe and secure.
My last comment also deals simply with a reminder of basics. This one comes from the land of MLC. I did not get a lot of understanding here. Are you convinced he is or is not MLC? What do you know about MLC? Is it possible he is beginning to reconnect? If he is, this includes a lengthy period of touch and goes. Yes, I repeat much of what others said. Repetition drills the details into us. The nature of touch and goes is why you go slow with the contacts and keep the guardian angel at hand. Moving toward someone too quickly during reconnection scares them off. They are tipping their toe into the water to see if it is safe, and if they are welcome. But sometimes finding out that they are welcome and that you are ready to fully embrace him completely, can be more than they can handle.
That is part of why they are telling you to only crack the door open slightly, and be careful.
Based on everything I've read and my husband's behavior, it did seem like he was in MLC. He was confused, didn't know what he wanted. He bought himself new clothes and basically turned into someone I don't know.
The thing is that he has this idea that I should be perfectly OK with this situation. Meaning, I should be fine with us being separated, with him picking up the kids, etc... He doesn't think I should be upset, angry, whatever. He has always been pleasant and after the first few months, has always answered my phone calls and been friendly when he picks up the kids. He has even stayed a few times for breakfast.
I don't think he's trying to reconnect. I think he just wants to be sure I'm not mad and I'm OK with the situation.
I am mad and I'm finally let him know I am. I was trying to DB and be happy when he came over, but somehow, I think that had the opposite affect on him. As long as I was happy, he was fine. He knew I was leaving the door open or something.
Maybe he's not a typical MLCer. I think I need to stay distanced. I don't know what else to do. I don't even know how to act when he's over or calls so I'm just trying to avoid him.
I don't know how to open the door just a little bit.
I sooo understand. My H is still in the house so my sitch is a little different, but it seems like as long as I am nice and happy he doesn't feel GUILTY. on the one hand I am trusting the DB ways, and on the other I want him to KNOW what he has done and FEEL what I do. Perhaps letting him know how angry you are was a 180 that will have a positive effect. You'll have to judge the outcome of what you said. Distancing helps. I have difficulty because he's here, but I just do my thing and treat him like a really good friend living in the same house. I don't think you have to leave the door open just a little...it can be open while you walk away from it. Think of it as NOT waiting, but if he comes around THEN you can entertain how you want to proceed. Hugs.
