paul...you are the man no doubt...i stumbled on to your posts last night and have been mesmerized by the elequence and accuracy of your thoughts...keep up the great posts...i need constant reminders to keep me focused on me and not the uncontrollable situation im in relating to my MLC/WAW....thx again...BIG TUNA....im in "separated for now" if you ever happen to stop by........
ME-47 WAW-42 S16 S8 bomb 5/5/06 separated 10/6/06 D 4/18/07
Thank you again for that wonderful inspiring post.
"MLC's beliefs are their reality-- it is what they believe to be true for them." When a MLCer tells the LBS that there is no love left there anymore- it is gone. (THis is what my H tells me and his family) Are you saying that right now this is TRULY how they feels and that they BELIEVE this to be true, but in reality they have just buried these feelings for the LBS? How can I be sure it really isn't GONE for good?
I really want to believe that my H does still love me, but b/c of his MLC he just doesn't know it right now. If my H doesn't love me anymore, maybe he never will again. Sometimes people do fall out of love, right?
I just don't want to be in denial anymore. How do I know that my H's feelings of love will ever return for me. Especially when he REALLY isn't feeling any love me for right now b/c it is his REALITY?
Can you help me out on this? I want to believe that the love my H and I felt for one another was REAL and that it isn't gone forever. I know you can't tell me how my H is feeling , but since you have been there yourself- did you believe with all your heart when you were in MLC that you DIDN"T love or WANT your wife anymore? When you came out of your crisis did you realize you were wrong about how you felt and actually did love her?
We do have to remember that love is a choice. I think we need to remember that our MLC H's will have to choice to recognize those feeling when the time comes.
That may be where our acceptance of them will come into play. That is where I worry that if I don't make an attempt to heal our R from the total distance we have now to at least a friendship, we will never get a chance to restore our marriage. I have been praying lately for guidance and support for carrying out His plan for me.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
I agree that it must begin with a friendship, but while these MLCer's are in replay a friendship isn't possible. The LBS can be pleasant to them while setting boudaries. This way down the road a friendship can start being built again.Idon't know about you , but my H has no desire to be friends with me right now.He can't even carry on a conversation with me - no eye contact , very uncomfortable . He's just not capable of it at the present time. My hopes are that he will begin to respect me again and feel safe around me given some time.
I really don't give H any reason to be uncomfortable around me as I am always cheerful and do not meantion Ow.
There absolutely no contact between H and I, only an occasional business email that I send to him. The best interaction he has had with me was thanking me for writing some directions for him.
I didn't respond because there was not reason to respond.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
My answer to both of your questions is NO. I wouldn't have read it and If I did, I wouldn't have understood it.
Being in a MLC, you are in your own little fantasy world. What you believe, all of your twisted thinking, is your reality. A MLC person hears what others are saying, but they believe they just don't get it. They don't understand you and what you're feeling and why you are doing what your doing.
When a LBS attempts to get their MLC spouse to do something, the MLC spouse believes that their spouse is trying to manipulate or control them. Being manipulated or controlled is that last things a MLC spouse will allow to happen to them. They will fight back with all the anger and resentmnet built up inside of them from many years of feeling controlled.
I believe a MLC spouse uses the threat of divorce or the filing for divorce as a way of getting their LBS to back off. What seems like an offensive move on their part is actually a defensive move to protect them.
I remember after my Xw and I seperated. I asked her how long she thought we would stay seperated. I was looking for a time frame from her. I asked, was it going to be 3 months, or 6 months. Boy did that strike a nerve. I'm sure she felt like I was trying to control her and how long she was going to take in order for her to figure out her life.
She went into the bathroom at work without answering. When she came out, she said; You want an answer? I just looked at her. You want an answer? Heres an answer, I want a divorce. I then said no honey, please, we don't need to get a divorce. I did back off. But only for a short period of time.
I did share the book Love at Midlife with my XW. I was very surprised that she read it. When she returned it to me, she said; Is that me in the book? I just said well? I was afraid to say yes, and tell her what I realy thought about what she was doing.
A MLC person can hear what is being said to them, except when they are in the deepest fog, and grasp a small bit of what is being said. But most choose not to face reality and choose to keep on running fom dealing with their pain.
My XW was having to much fun and felt as if she had just been released from a life sentence to prison. Her new found fredom gave her strength that she had never found before. She felt in control versus being controlled.
As they say; "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
Until a MLC person is able to admit the problem lies within them and not with their LBS, they are not ready to learn.
It is my belief that the love is there within our MLC spouse. Unfortunately, it is buried beneath all of their pain. They can no longer feel, that which has been covered by all the emotional pain that they have supressed over many years.
The only way they can feel this love again, is to peel away the layers of pain that covers it.
Love is the core of who we are. God and Love are one in the same. God our Crerator has created us in His image. If God is Love, than we are Love as well.
A MLC person has a ditorted way of seeing the past, present and future. What they believe, is their reality. Their reality is not necessarily the truth. They just believe it is.
Have you ever had a feeling where your head feels numb? Like it's been in the freezer over night? This is what a MLC person feels like when they are experiencing depression and are in the worst of MLC. The "deer in the headlights look" is because things upstairs aren't functioning cleary. They can't process thoughts and understanding is out of the question. Their mind is not into logical thinking or reasoning.
When you ask a MLC person a question during the worst of their experience. What is their most common answer? I DON'T KNOW. They can't process thoughts that will lead to any kind of choice or decision. Their in the state of La La Land. That place that they exist between reality and their reality.
A MLC person will lie, and lie and lie. Eventually, they begin to thinking they are telling the truth. They don't know the difference between truth and lies, it all seems to run together.
I believe before someone can love others, they first have to love thereselves. A MLC person does not truly love themselves. I have struggled to love myself since the begining of my time here on Earth. By mot feeling love for myself, it is hard to give what i don't have to others.
I learned that love was conditional. I learned that you don't openly give love to others as they will hurt you or reject you. In my attempts to get love from my mother, I tried to please her. When I didn't please her to her expectations, she witheld her love for me.
Getting and giving love was a game. I never really learned the rules, at least how my mother played the game. To me, it seemed the rules for getting love were always changing. There were often new conditions that needed to be met to get love. What was good enough in the past, was no longer good enough. It seemed as if it became almost impossible to meet my mom's expectations. So, what did I do? Stop trying to get love from her so I didn't have to face rejection.
In my first marriage, I did the same dance I had learned from my mom. My Xw didn't like that dance and it created a less than satisfactory relationship.
I'm learning how to ask for my needs and being more authentic. It is not easy as I was programed for so many hears I have to write new tapes. It's sometimes a painful process to "let go" of what you learned in the past. But if you are to heal and have the love you desire, than you have to go through the pain. There are no shortcuts.
My sisters announcemnet that she wss HIV positive was my "wakeup call" from MLC. I can't say that it led to my immediate loving of my XW. It first brought on a lot of guilt and shame and a feeling of loving myself less for the things I had done.
"Have you ever had a feeling where your head feels numb? Like it's been in the freezer over night? This is what a MLC person feels like when they are experiencing depression and are in the worst of MLC. The "deer in the headlights look" is because things upstairs aren't functioning cleary. They can't process thoughts and understanding is out of the question. Their mind is not into logical thinking or reasoning."
Oh my!! When H came home for three weeks we were in shock. After we had been intimate, he would begin to cry and it was the strangest thing. He kept saying his head felt as if it was ready to explode, does not know if he was doing the right thing, etc. It was kind of scary actually and it would only happen when he and I were intimate.
"When you ask a MLC person a question during the worst of their experience. What is their most common answer? I DON'T KNOW."
That is so, so true. Probation officer asked H why he was with OW if we have no marital problems and he said I DON'T KNOW.
He has said that to us as well.
You are right on with your analysis.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Everything we do is a choice. God has given each of us Free Will, the ability to make choices.
What comes before making choices is "thought." Our thoughts ultimately lead to the choices we make. A MLC person doesn't think clearly therefore they often don't make wise choices.
As we think, therefore we become. We do create our own reality by the choices we make. A MLC person does not believe this. They believe they are a "victim." They believe that things happen "to them." They are a victim of curcumstances. It's always someone elses fault for how they feel. They don't understand that no one can make you feel the way you do without your permission.
A spiritual person believes that all things happen for a reason. In believing this, they believe that things happen "for them." That our experiences serve a higher purpose and their is meaning to all things, and all things are good.
There are no mistakes. There are only lessons to be learned. The experiences we have are opportunities to learn the lessons that are intended for each of us.
If you desire to stop having the same old experiences that cuase you pain and suffering. Than learn what the experiences are about and learn the lesson that is there for you. The sooner you learn the lesson, the sooner you will move on from those painful experiences.
A person who is lost and confused say's; "Why does this shit keep happening to me?" They just don't get it. Things that seem like probelms will keep happening "for them" until they finally "get it" and learn the lesson.
The lesson of "acceptance" is one all of us need to learn. Part of the lesson of "acceptance" is also the lesson of "letting go." Letting go of the things you can not change and accepting the things you can change are life lessons. Having the wisdom to know the difference comes from learning from our experiences.
Going through the experience of a spouse who is in MLC will give the LBS all the opportunities they could ever ask for in learning these two basic life lessons. Until we learn these lessons, it will be a very painful journey through our spouses MLC adventure.
It is so hard to learn these lessons while we are in so much pain. But learn we must, or we will remain in the pain indefinetly.
