Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 12 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 11 12
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 7,791
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 7,791
I agree, it's the emotional attention they give the OP that is most hurtful, however I do believe that it is women who find this most hurtful, men tend to find a physical relationship with the OP more hurtful....(Venus and Mars...)

Let's just hope that the emotional part of the affairs just dies once they see that they actually have no history together and nothing else in common but this particular subject....the marriage having gone wrong and having to talk about it.


Love Cinders xxx

"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus

http://miesblogspot.blogspot.com/
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,391
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,391
Hi Paul
Sorry it took so long to respond to you.
I only check the board ocassionally.
Quote:
What has brought you peace? If you would share your experience it would be so helpful to those who are struggling.

Wow! what a question.
As you know Paul I was married for 30 years, when my X-H and I divorced.
We have been divorced 3 years now.
We do not communicate at all.
Our sons are grown and have families of their own.
If my sons choose to spend time with their father, that is their call.
It rarely happens though.
My X-H married the OW 1 year after our divorce.
The same year I had my kidney transplant.
The same year we lost our first grand-son.
You ask where did I get my peace from all the havoc,I received from my X-H.
That is an easy answer.
From the Lord above.
If you believe and have Faith, your life is a peace of cake.
Life is ever changing.
You just have to look at it from all sides.
I am enjoying my life,my job, my family,to the max.
Hope you are having a great day.
It has been storming here all day.
That's okay though, I grabbed a nap.
God Bless
Pam


[color:"red"][b]Pam[b][/color]
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 1,947
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 1,947
AH

Your post brought up a memory of when I was about 11 or 12. My mom had taken my youngest sister and I away from the house because my parents had been fighting. My mom told us she was going to get a divorce from my dad. I remember how I cried and begged my mom not to do that. I was so scared and in great pain from the fear that was within me.

She didn't get the divorce but there were more blowups to come in thr future. Each one brought more pain and fear.

When my mom was going through her MLC, she was out late one night when my dad came home from work. It was probably 1 am or so in the morning. I was probably about 16 at the time. My dad came into my bedroom and took my shotgun off the gun rack above my bed. I pretended I was asleep.

When my mom came home, he confronted her about being out drinking and doing who knows what. I heard later that he had the shotgun laying across the kitchen table. What his intentions were I don't know. You hear about spousal murders all the time and I can see how they happen.

When I was about 13-15 my second oldest sister took me with her to a town about 20 miles from our house. She had recieved a call from a man that said our mom was in a hotel room and was drunk and out of it.

When we got to the hotel, my sister made me wait in the car. When she returned, we went to the store to get some things for my mom. We left without her and it wasn't until years later that I learned my sister found her naked and sprawled on the bed, totally drunk.

My mom had a number of health issues while I was growing up. She had health problems while pregnant with me. sixe weeks after I was born she went into the hospital for galdbladder surgery.

over the years while growing up she was in and out of the hospital with other surgerys and was admitted a few times into a mentsal hospital. She also tried to commit suicide about three times up until I was about 20.

My life was filled with fear, rejection and abandonment. I definetly had trust issues and struggled with all my emotions that I was feeling. I felt very alone as I had no one to talk to about what I was feeling inside.

When my mom was going through her MLC my dad was working nights. She would leave the house after I went to bed. I remember feeling so scared and abandoned hearing the back door shut when she left. I would then go to my sisters bedroom crying asking if I could sleep in their romm in my sleeping bag. They would tell me, quit being such a baby and go back to your room. I was so scared and felt all alone.

There was a time I was in the emrgency room of the hospital with my dad. My mom was having her stomach pumped from taking prescrition pills in one of her attempts to commmit suicide. I remembr telling my dad that I wished she would just die. I was so tired of feeling all the pain inside of me and just wanted it to stop.


Looking back at my childhood I'm amazed how well I have done as an adult. My childhood experiences definetly had an impact on my adult life and especially my first marriage. But I have to say, the experiences have played a big role in who I am today. If it wasn't for having gone through all those painful emotional experiences, I wouldn't be as in touch with peoples emotions today and understand what a MLC person is feeling inside.

I was a "silent son" and will always be one, just as an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic even in recovery. Maybe I'm what you would call a recoverying silent son.

Everyday posting here is an opportunity for me to heal from my past and help others understand the pain that is within their MLC spouse.

Love,
Paul


Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 5,375
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 5,375
Paul,
Thank you for reminding us how much pain the MLCers are actually in. I am sure it is painful for you to rehash those childhood memories but I agree, I think it helps you heal to talk about it.

If you don't mind I would like to share with you and other's here to also help remind people what these MLCers had to deal with so long ago. I am sorry if this seems long.

My H has also had a very tough childhood. His father was killed by a drunk driver when he was 5 years old. From there his mother seemed to go down hill. She got married again a couple of years later to someone who ended up being verbally abusive to my H and his younger sister. She was D from him within months of marrying him.

His mother than got remarried to another man. She had 4 kids with him. From what my H had told me was he was a wonderful stepfather at first and my H was happy to finally have a father figure in his life. His stepfather unfortunately had a drug problem family and eventually the stepfather started using himself. He became verbally and physically abusive to my H and his mother. He was a very violent man and very into drugs and alcohol. My H remembers taking trips into the city with him and his mother so he could buy his new supply of drugs. He would then sit at the kitchen table and shoot up and/or snort up while everyone was eating dinner. The mother allowed this to happen in front of her kids.

Stepfather did spend some time in jail for drug related crimes. When he would come out he would be clean for a little bit only to get back into is old habits. He lost his job and the mother had to go back to work so she could support her 6 children. It came to a point that stepfather would rarely come home because he was usually spending it at his gfs house. Everyone did not know when he would show up again or what kind of behavior he would bring with him. My H knew things were getting out of hand and taught his sister, who was 9 years old at the time how to call 911 in case he ever showed up and started being violent again. Well it happened. He came home one night drunk and high as ever and started in with H mother. Everyone was asleep, including my H, who was 18 at the time. Well my H heard banging around and came around to see what was going on. He then saw his stepfather grabbing mother by the hair because she was trying to call the police on him. He ripped the phone off the wall and threw it at her. He then threw H mother down the stairs. My H came to his mother's defense and tried to fend stepfather off. His 9 year old sister came out of her room to see what was going on and my H yelled to her to call 911. She did as she was told. H and stepfather were going at it. Stepfather even reached into the knife draw at one point and was trying to stab my H. The police were on there way and my H was trying to keep his stepfather in the house so the police could arrest him. Stepfather finally broke free from my H and ran outside to jump in his car to leave. He was high and drunk and he did not have his glasses on because they broke during their fight. Stepfather took off with the police right behind him. He didn't get very far. About a half mile down the road he wrapped his car around a telephone pole. He ended up in a coma and died a week later.

Everyone could breathe a sigh of relief when he passed on. It was no way to live in constant fear of your lives. The entire family never went to counseling and everyone just moved on and seemed to forget about it. No one ever dealt with what happened.

Well about 1 week later after SF's death, H mother started seeing someone new. Who you may ask? Well get this, she started seeing one of sf's old buddies, a cell roomate from jail. She has been with him ever since. This guy is a loser and basically uses the mother. He is not a mean guy, just a loser. He has never had a job and the mother basically does everything for him. This guy won't even admit that they are an item but he has no problem having sex with her, her finacially supporting him in his own place, and her going over to his house to cook him breakfast, lunch and dinner. This guy is real lazy and sits home all day and watches TV. I heard he is a big soap opera fan.

Since the stepfather's death, there had been a lot of problems within H immediate family. The oldest sister moved in with her obnoxious, controlling bf and his family at the age of 18. That was 7 years ago and she no longer talks to anyone in the family accept the oldest of the half sisters. The 9 year old I had talked about ran away when she was 15 to Puerto Rico with a guy who was 23 at the time. My H was always very close with her and would do anything for her but when he brought her home from Puerto Rico she was furious at him and was out to get him. She told Child protective services that he beat her up. She wanted him off her back because he was trying to help her. CPS knew she was lying and found my H not guilty but my H was extremely hurt by her actions. They haven't spoken in 6 years and only recently during my H's MLC has he tried to reconnect with her. After years of counseling (she is the only one of the kids that ever went) she is doing great. She is graduating college this month with a GPA of 3.8. Another one of his sisters had a baby while a senior in high school. She isn't a bad person, but she just seems to find loser like her mother did to date. The youngest of the girls is into drugs, drinking, dating a 24 year old and misses school a lot. She is only 16. My H always seemed to be embarrassed because of all the drama his family made. He was always above them and always stood out from all of them. We got married, we had 2 kids, he has a great paying job, the american dream basically. He should of been living on top of the world. You would think by looking at him "how could he be miserable?" But he is. Right now he thinks I am the cause of all this misery. He has yet to look at the real cause of all his pain. I think he thinks it is too much to deal with so he rather just self-medicate himself with alcohol, working a lot, and of course, his ow. I do hope one day my H will find a way to get passed all this and get some help. I am not so sure he will though. Sometimes I feel like he has had too much childhood damage.

Sorry this was so long!


Me:35, ex: 36
Sons: 9 & 7
Bomb: July, 2006
Divorced 2009
MissH #956696 03/02/07 08:41 PM
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 1,947
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 1,947
mrshurting

Thank you for sharing a part of your husbands past. And we wonder why people have a MLC?

I realize not all MLC people had as traumatic a childhood as your husbands. But each of them had issues that they choose not to deal with as an adult. They don't want to talk about it. They're afraid to deal with it as it is too painful.

Some MLC people believe their childhood was okay. They are either in denial or are not consciously aware of the impact their childhood experiences have on them in their adult life.

Many MLC spouses believe all their problems, all their issues, all their negative emotional feelings are becuase of the person they are married to. Their distorted minds don't know the difference between what is real versus unreal. Their beliefs is their reality.

I believe a MLC person simply wants the bad feelings inside of them to stop. If by running away from facing their issues or smothering them with alcohol or the many other addicitons such as work or OW/OM, than that is what they choose as the ANSWER.

To them, forget about the root of the problem. If they have found something that makes them feel godd, than dealing with the cause of their past pain doesn't matter anymore. They have found the solution and that is what counts most.

At least it doesn't matter until that pain resurfaces again. And it will, and it will be stronger than it was in the past.

The pain that is buried within a MLC person will never go away on it's own. It will follow the MLC person for as long as they are alive.

They can choose to acknowledge this pain and seek out the answers to where it comes from, and what it takes to heal themselves. Or, they can stay in denial and seek new "drugs of choice" to numb the pain that lies deep within them.

Your husband has a very dysfunctional family and his childhood experiences have left a lasting mark on him. Is he scarred for life? Only if he chooses not to seek help in healing those wounds. God does give us the ability to heal ourselves, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

My wounds are still within me. I have been in a process of healing now since the summer of 1992. That was the same time my sister revealed to me she and her husband were HIV positive.

My sister helped awaken me to the pain that was buried within me and how I had been running from dealing with it.

The journey since then has been pretty amazing as I have experienced the deaths of many who were dying from AIDS and Cancer. Each person helped me to face my own inner pain as they faced theirs.

There is so much that one can learn during the dying process and facing death head on. One of the biggest lessons that comes from dying is the lesson of ACCEPTANCE.

A person who is dealing with a terminal illness has to come to terms with the fragilenuss of life. They come to learn that dying is all part of the life experience. They learn that death is inevitable and will come to all of us. What they learn the most is that death of the physical body is not the end, but a new beginning.

Life is eternal, it does not end. We merely go from the physcial world to the non-physcial world. It is a transformation from the known to the unknown, yet their is a feeling of peace that everything is going to be okay.

Many spouses have been jolted by the death of someone close to them into a MLC state. We think of MLC as all bad. But maybe it is just the begining to what will become all good?

I have lived on the dark side of MLC. Or whatever it was that I experienced earlier in my life. My life experience may not have been an official MLC but something similar.

My life journey has taken me to places and experiences that many of you would find unforgiveable. My XW has not forgiven me and may never reach that point in this lifetime. And that is okay as it is her choice.

But if I had not had the experiences that I did while going through MLC, would I have become the person I am today? My experiences are all part of who I have become. The good as well as the bad experiences. It's just a matter of from what perspective you're looking from when you consider an experince either bad or good. The truth is it is neither, it is simply a learning opportunity.

It is my belief that our experiences, good or bad, are what give us character and help us to become all that we can become. Our experiences also help to make us wiser. A person that is very wise has experienced much pain in their lifetime.

All of us have the tools within us to change.
But we first have to choose to want to change, because it won't happen without us consciously bringing it about.

I hope that your husband eventually see's the light and awakens to the reality that it is within his control to heal from the past. He can create a future that is filled with love, peace and harmony. But he has to want and desire it first.

Love,
Paul


Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,428
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,428
Dear Paul,

I just wanted to let you know how much I learn each time I read one of your posts. You are helping me to understand more than you will ever know. You are amazing!

Hugs,
K

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 5,375
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 5,375
Paul,
I believe my H is in denial about the impact his past has had on him. His family has a tendency to not deal with the issues at hand.

Right after the bomb I had asked my H why he felt like he couldn't open up to me and tell me what was bothering him. His response was "because I don't want to bring you down with my sh*t". A little bit later in the conversation he then says "what makes you think that there is anything wrong with me?" So frustrating. Our MC had told him that she thought he needed IC but he said he wasn't ready to deal with him problems. I hope one day he will.

Thank you for your insight. I love to read your posts!


Me:35, ex: 36
Sons: 9 & 7
Bomb: July, 2006
Divorced 2009
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 1,947
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 1,947
K

I want you to know that each time I post I am learning too. I am no more amazing than you and everyone else in the world. We are all very special. Each of us have special gifts. Each of us have a purpose for being here. No one is any more special than anyone else.

We have the "power" within each of us to become who ever we choose to be. God has given us that power, it is just a matter of us becoming consciously aware that it exists within us.

Almost all of us have been looking externally for that "power" when all along it has been inside of us. Just as we seek happiness externally, true happiness comes from within.

Authentic power is the alignment of the personality with the soul. A person who is in MLC is a person who is out of alignment. Their personality and their soul are at odds with one another and the personality is fighting for it's existance without consideration of the existance of ones soul and what it needs.

Our personality is our ego. Our ego is very powerful and can try to control us. When we focus on our ego, life gets out of balance. Focusing on our ego is focusing on me, me ,me, and what I want without consideration of what the soul wants.

The soul wants peace, harmony and love. The ego wants all that is external believing that power lies in having "more." The ego believes that what it already has is not "enough."

A MLC person believes that as soon as they have "more" they will be happy. What they currently have is "not enough" and makes them feel "not good enough."

By chasing for "more" of what they don't have, they feel they will be happy. A MLC person lives in the world of "someday."

They think "someday" I will have what will bring me happiness. To most MLC spouses, that means the right partner. A MLC person has been unhappy inside and not content with what they already have. To them, something is missing. They don't feel complete. Their is a big vopid inside of them wanting more of "something."

When they discover the OM/OW, they believe that is what has been missing in their lives. They have finally found their "soulmate" the person they were meant to be with. They begin to believe that they married the wrong person. That the only way they will ever be happy is if they get rid of the person that is making them unahppy, and beginning a new life with the person that "fulfills their needs."

The MLC spouse is searching for "more" love, appreciation, validation of their feelings. The OW/OM in the eyes of the MLC spouse give this to them. It is what they believe. The MLC spouses beliefs are their reality. It is what they believe to be true for them.

That is why it is impossible to convince a MLC spouse otherwise. It is a waste of our time and energy trying to convince the MLC spouse that they are wrong in their thinking or beliefs. They feel they have finally found the answer to their happiness.

The LBS resisting and fighting to get the MLC spouse back only confirms what the MLC spouse already believes. That the LBS is the cause of their unhappiness and pain.

We believe by fighting for our marriage we will get our spouse back. This is the furthest thing from the truth. By fighting our MLC spouse to get them to wake up and see what they are doing is wrong, will only drive the wedge between us deeper.

A person going through MLC would be going through it no matter who they were married to. MLC is not about the marriage, it's about the person not understanding the conncetion between their past experiences and their present ones. It's about the MLC person being broken inside and needs to be healed.

Many people are trying to fix the marriage. The marriage is not the problem. The marriage simply brings up pain inj the MLC spouse that brings back memories of his or her childhood experiences. The pain within the MLC person is the root of the problem.

Until the MLC person deals with the root of their pain, the marriage can not be worked on nor can it be saved. When two married people are having relationship issues, it's not as much about the issues between them, but that the relationship brings up deeply buried issues from the past that we only believe are caused by our present situation.

The experiences from childhood and adulthood are different in only that it involves different people. Some may still involve people from childhood such as parents or siblings. But for the most part, the two spouses didn't know each other as children growing up. They may have known them supericially, but not intimately to the core of their issues.

I'm going to say something that some people might take offense to. But it is what I feel is reality.

The experience that everyone is going through with a MLC spouse is not happening "to us." It is happening "for us." By that I mean, there are "life lessons" that each of us are suppose to be learning while going through life and this experience.

Instead of fighting and resisting this experience, we need to learn to accept it as a natural and healthy event in our own personal development. There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

By fighting for our marriage, we will learn that it is not within "our power" to save it. There are things we can do that may have some influence on whether we remain married or get divorced. But utlimately, the power to continue being married is not within our control. That is why the biggest lesson of this experience is learning to "let go."

The more we resist, the more things persist. Once we become consciously aware of this fact and begin to release all that is not within our control, we begin to find peace and happiness. Trying to control the uncontrollable is asking for the impossible. It will only lead to great frustration and extreme dissapointment.

I believe that I was different and that my marriage was different. I believed that I could find the answer to getting my wife back. I believed that as long as I didn't give up, that I could eventually make it happen. I believed that all I needed was more patience and perseverance.

You know what? I WAS WRONG.

The power to control others, especially my xwife, was not within me. What I believed was all an illusion. It wasn't reality. It was what I felt I needed to be "good enough" to be "loved" to be "appreciated" to be "valued." My belief was that If I didn't get my wife back I would be none of those things. I would be nobody without her.

What I am now learning is that I am all of those things and more. I am "good enough" just as I am. I am "loveable" just as I am. I am "appreciated" just as I am. I am "valued" and "appreciated" just as I am.

That is what we all need to learn. What we are today is enough. What we do today is enough. We can not do or be anymore than what is within our power today.
That is all we have and that is all we will ever have. And that is "enough."

Love,
Paul


Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 7,791
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 7,791
Paul - you keep amazing me ! SPOT ON, ONCE AGAIN !!! We are very lucky to have you and these wise words you bring on this board !! Thank you......

Last edited by cinderellaman; 03/03/07 02:52 PM.

Love Cinders xxx

"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus

http://miesblogspot.blogspot.com/
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,941
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7,941


Fighting for your marriage vs. Standing for your marriage.

I prefer to think of this so called journey as standing for my marriage because we attempt to take the focus off of spouse and pray, etc.

Also, my H, the MLCer will be the first one to say there are no problems in our marriage and when asked why he had to go out and get a girlfriend (his probation officer probed him on this)he says he really does not know. And then she kept probing and asked him why he still has a girlfriend if there is nothing wrong at home and once again, he does not know.

I believe they do not know why they do the things they do.

I think if we say we are fighting for our marriages, we attempt to go right out and do things we know will backfire on us.

Standing is very different.

Just my .02 worth for the day.

Last edited by steelersfan; 03/03/07 03:28 PM.

The Bomb: 08/05
H moves out: 06/2006
H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07
H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08
H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09
Divorced 08-12
Kids: 22, 20, 19
Page 6 of 12 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard