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A Message from Michele
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Jeff223 Offline OP
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Thanks Nicola. I know you are right. I do need to focus on me and get rid of the self-pity. I waffle back and forth about continuing to bet or folding my hand. Remember the old song:

you gotta know when to holdem,
know when to foldem,
know when to walk away,
know when to run

I wish I knew. I do know I still want my family but I also know I cannot continue on like this forever. If I continue on and nothing changes I will always feel a failure; my kids deserve better, much better. If my W truly believes that I am no longer right for her then she cannot be right for me. But if I fold my hand, that feeling of failure is still there, even though I agree with what you said.

In the end I believe that you, and many others, are right, I must focus on me. Since I cannot control her, I must do what is best for me and my kids. I will think on that hard.

But first I need to get myself together.

Thanks again Nicola. And WCW, ISLH, Jenny, SD. Wow ladies, thanks!! \:\)


Jeff

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Jeff...Jeff...get your butt up . C'mon...c'mon. You can't do this. Marine's never leave anyone behind and neither will I. If you don't want to see my sorry ass down there wearin' a kilt, then you'd better get moving. You know, I can sense that you are down....your voice trails off on the phone.

If you REALLY ARE that incredible guy that I listen to on the phone...that lifts me....that makes me want to be a better man...then, YOU GOTTA turn it back onto yourself.

Jeff...look at my sitch...you've been with me over a year...you've talked with me...is this all me? IS IT? Well stop saying or believing that it's all you. Yeah...we've both been dealt a $hiTty hand...but, I can tell you one thing. Alcohol is a DEPRESSANT and it ISN'T helping you to GAL. Put it down for now.

Anyone up for going down to Huntsville with me? DonH? bworl?

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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Quote:
Anyone up for going down to Huntsville with me? DonH? bworl?
I'll be going thru his town later this month on my way to see Sis, will also have 3 other ladies with me and a trailer full of horses. Jeff turned me down when I offered lunch with 5 women. Guess it's up to you guys...maybe the kilt will be his style.
Quote:
Jeff...Jeff...get your butt up . Alcohol is a DEPRESSANT and it ISN'T helping you to GAL. Put it down for now.

I've already told Jeff that if I was there I would grab him by the shirt collar and shake him hard....and then give him a big hug. Maybe we can get Piglet after him..... oh Sheila? where are you???? Jeff needs his shirts wrinkled in the front.

Seriously Jeff, my dad was an alcoholic. I remember him mostly drunk, with a lit cigarette, sleeping in the recliner if he was home. You staying out of the bottle when your kids are around? If that was a problem with you that W had before, how is this a 180 for you? are you proving who you are now? I started reading your threads when you were taking trips with your kids, doing fun things, and just having a full time blast, you were contagious!

Again I will say, get out of that apartment. Go for a walk, sit in the park, feed the Aflac duck, shoot some hoops, find some guys that do the same hobbies, pack the wheel bearings on my trailer, do something physical so you're dang tired at night and sleep.

YOU are the only person that can put one foot in front of the other and start walking and climbing up the mountain again. We're behind you to catch you from tumbling.


Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.
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Hello Jeff - I have been on these boards much lately so I have spent a few minutes getting caught up. I was really impressed by some of the things you posted back on 2/15 and again on 2/22:

First, you wrote "I felt like I was falling in a deep pit. But I reread some of my books and I was reminded that while the logical mind tells us to detach and move on the emotional mind is like the tide. We feel emotions at high tide and then we think everything is okay when low tide comes. But then another high tide follows. I have been calling it backsliding and beating myself up for again feeling anger, frustration, fear and sorrow. But backsliding is not it at all. It is how emotions work. They work like the tide to change the coastline ever so slowly. If you build a wall to keep out the tide, the coastline never changes, never improves.

So I again realize to let the emotions run their course and accept what they are telling me. They are part of the healing process." When I read that it really hit the mark. The wisdom of your observation helped shed light in understanding my situation, and why some days are better than others as we move on.

Then you wrote "No, I did not bust my divorce. I didn't even save my marriage. I managed to do something far, far more significant.

I saved myself.

And don't think me pretentious or boastful please.

You should have seen me in September, October, and November.

Those days are gone, and the man who lived those days is also gone. The insecurities, the dependency, the fear, the self doubt, and the thoughts that life as I knew it had ended...all those destructive and harmful things are finally gone.

I am happy with who I am today. I am at peace inside and no longer find my happiness in my wife or my marriage. I no longer yearn and long for the return of something that was clearly lost. I have found friends who enjoy doing things with me, have shown my boys that I enjoy their time and can be fun to be with, and have stepped up my responsibilities at school. I look to the future with anticipation.

Most significantly I have found hope and a promise for the future. I know now where I am headed and I am thrilled about what lies before me. There is love ahead of me again one day and a life with someone who will value me, cherish me, and complete me and whom I can value, cherish, and complete as well." Those observations are right on target and still remain true inspite of how bad you have been feeling lately. Remember, it is all part of the same ebb and flow cycle you described back on 2/15. It is the same cycle which impacts me and I dare say most of the others who read and post here. Just be assured of the fact that you will be feeling better again shortly. This all takes time. Divorce in many ways is like experiencing the death of a loved one, and the pain does not go away over night. But it will receed more and more as time goes by.

One final thought - I have noticed that I really enjoy having "a few" myself as it helps puts me in a good frame of mind. I have noticed however that the following mornings (even if I have only consumed a moderate amount) are much more difficult than if I had nothing to drink the night before. I'm not talking hangovers here. I really think that drinking can contribue to depression based on my personal experience.


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Jeff223 Offline OP
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Thanks so much for stopping by John. I thought I lost you for sure. You continue to inspire.

Feel wonderful today. Had the kids for four nights. I only had them for two days during all of Feb b/c of my mom. So this long weekend was a blast and that puts a spring in my step and my situation in its proper light.

Also, it is very nice to hear that someone loves you. It has been a long time since I got that message.


Jeff

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Jeff,

For what it's worth, I think I understand what you mean when you say things like "puts a spring in my step and my situation in its proper light."

I think that epitomizes perfectly what it's like being on the roller coaster. You can feel great for a day, they they will say something to knock you right back down into the pit. After some time, you remember back to DB and GAL and it forces a course correction. It's a great feeling after you're corrected course, not so much before.

I'm glad you had a great four days, here's to many more in a row!


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Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
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Jeff,

I'm glad you're doing better again. Things have been difficult for you lately, and it's no wonder you're finding it tough at times. It's good that your kids were able to lift you up.


"Jeff...look at my sitch...you've been with me over a year..."

Oh dear, FIB's catastrophizing again. *sigh* Since when did nine months turn into over a year??? I know it FEELS like about 10 years, but it's not. It does get easier after about a year or so.


Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself
My thread: Trusting God's Plan
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Jeff,

It seems that when you focus on what is important in your life ie. your kids and YOU, your spirit is lifted again so do what makes you feel good.

Plan something to do with the kids the next time you see them; go watch a movie, play indoor mini golf, laser tag, bowling, anything that will get you out and have fun. Whatever you do to spend quality time with your kids, they will remember for a long time and so will you.

I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm sure the crappy weather we've been having hasn't helped much lately but we have better weather to look forward to.

Hugs,

Thread #6 - Preparing for a New Year & New Beginning continues


Me: 49 - S22 & S26
H: 41 - No kids
M: 10/00
Bomb New Year's Day 2006
H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07
D final 07/07
Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
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Jeff223 Offline OP
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Thanks all. As I said the tide comes and goes. I feel very good today - strong.

My mom gets out of rehab Friday and will be able to return to her apartment. It has been a long two months.

W called last night and asked me to come to the house this morning and take the kids to school b/c she had an early meeting. I wondered why she asked - she had time to drop the kids off and make her meeting, but I said okay. I wanted to say no, but why should I just be spiteful?

I had not seen her in over a month and I really didn't talk to her much unless I had to. She has tried to engage me in conversation but I have no desire. When I saw her today I felt nothing. This my sound angry, but I hope that feeling stays. I am no longer praying for her to reconsider - I am praying my feeling of nothing remains. At least I can control that.

I must push her out of my life if there is any hope at all. Plus I have been hurt enough. I am through apologizing for her behavior. I must reject what she has become while still supporting who she really is deep down.

She tried her best to be friendly; I was cold and business like. It felt very good. I am glad I was distant just before she left, and after trying to be so friendly, she gave me some papers concerning the D. Yes, I go out of my way to do her a favor and she is ready to rub my nose in the D.

Okay, that did press a button but not so bad. I was pissed but being pissed reminds me that there is more detaching to do. It is best I strive for nothing; nothing but the remembrance of love and forgiveness.

What in heavens name happened to these people? I will never understand and frankly I no longer care b/c it really does not matter.


Jeff

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Jeff...I had not read the above post until I posted to you on my thread. Please take the time to read it. Please consider what I wrote about my sitch with my XH and why I would and will not consider ever going back to my first M even if my 2nd M does not survive.

No good will come out of you treating your W like a bitter H. It's starting to sound like you are becoming the WAH and I can understand the pain you have experienced. Don't let that affect your judgement. I would never try to tell someone not to end their M if it is for the right reasons.

I'll catch up with you later and comment on the above post. It's 1 a.m. and I will be up in 4 hours.

I will be here for you and I am happy to hear your Mom is doing so much better.

Hugs,
ISLH


Me: 49 - S22 & S26
H: 41 - No kids
M: 10/00
Bomb New Year's Day 2006
H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07
D final 07/07
Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
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