Need to talk.

[Sigh]

This post is for me to talk about something that happened last night. I think I may have over reacted, but when one is hurt, it is hard to control emotions.

Keep the fact in the back of your mind that I was the one who cheated...

5 years ago, my H confessed to having an 8 month EA with a woman at work. Needless to say, I handled it pretty badly. I was hurt and angry. He got upset at the fact I got angry because:

1. He never slept with her (and yes I do beleive him)
2. I should have been happy that he left someone he loved to come home to his wife (huh? you should have never had to "leave" someone else to come home to your wife)

I have forgiven him for the affair, and yes he still works with the OW. I have trusted him when he says he does not speak to her and it is over.

Last night he came home 2 hours late from work. No phone call, no nothing. I started to worry, he came home and it was obvious he had been at the mall picking up some Christmas presents.

So he put the receipts away in his drawer and went to have a shower. Of course being the unpatient person I am, I looked at the receipts seeing what he bought. (I know, I know, snooping is BAD).

There was one gift that seemed odd. Later that night I asked him if he found everything he was looking for (mistake!) at the point he knew I had looked at the receipts.

He said yes. I said oh, ok and was ready to just drop it. Then he said aren't you going to ask me who for? I had said no at first. Then he said, I know it is bugging you so just ask..

So I did...now I wish I hadn't...

He bought a Christmas gift for that OW. He said he bought it for her so she knows that she meant something to him and that he cared

I was stunned. I didn't say anything, then I got angry.

We started discussing it. I told him the only thing I would have liked is to know you wanted to do this, and not hide it from me. Of course he threw back " I have to ask you permission to buy something for someone? You didn't ask permission when you had your A's!". I tried to tell him that it has nothing to do with permission, but when it comes to her, I think I have a right to know. I looked him straight in the eye and said you had an affair with this woman, what reaction did you expect?"

His response, kindness and understanding and considering what you have done, you are in no position to complain.

During the conversation I started to feel like I was wrong in getting hurt and upset.

He ended the conversation with somthing along the lines of "I probably won't give it to her now because you have destroyed all of the happiness and joy I felt giving her the gift. The same thing you always do, to destroy anything in my life that makes me happy. You don't care if I am happy, you don't want me to be happy, you just want me miserable which you have done rather well."

I couldn't talk anymore. I slept on the couch and pretty much cried myself to sleep. I feel like my feelings don't matter in the least, and they don't exist.

After a while, he came out and tried to comfort me and say "talk to me, I will just listen (which by the way he has never done)". I told him thank you for the offer, but I really don't want to talk right now and want to be alone.

I think that hurt his feelings, and that was NOT my intention. I knew I was not in the right mindset to talk any longer. It was 1:30 am by then and neither one of us was in the mindset to have a productive conversation.

He wants honesty, and yet when I ask for the same, he is sure to bring up the past and say you weren't honest with me. He thought he was best to hide it from me because he knew it would hurt me if he told me.

Should I just let him do these things and accept the fact that this is what I deserve after what I have done?
Did I overreact?
Why do I feel guilty because he bought her a gift?
Am I being a B%&$^ because I got angry at this?

I really don't know what to feel or say anymore I am so confused .

Bad day for me today. Just going to try to get through it, make sense of everything.

[osu43130]

Should I just let him do these things and accept the fact that this is what I deserve after what I have done?

No one deserves this but in the same sense you can not control him or what he is going to do so you really have no choice.

Did I overreact?

Absolutly. The over reaction was from you letting your emotions get the best of you. You did not over react by getting upset. That is natural. However, You should have not let the H know that it affected you that much. You should have had a calm conversation about it and maybe simply said that it bothers you that he bought her a gift and left it at that. You both got too defensive.

Why do I feel guilty because he bought her a gift?

Not sure what you mean here. "YOU FEEL GUILTY?"

Am I being a B%&$^ because I got angry at this?

Nope. Anger would be a natural reaction for anyone in your shoes. However you need to learn how to control your anger so that you do not put yourself in that sitch again.

Later,
O

[whatisis]

Wow, talk about someone taking no responsibility for his actions. It's all your fault, what a crock! His first responsibility is to be sensitive to his W, that's you. He has had an A with this woman and is now giving her a Xmas gift because "she meant something to him". Oh my God! What about you? What do you mean to him? That is either really twisted logic or someone cruising to see if something is still there between them. The fact that he turns it on you and declares you have now ruined the "happiness" of giving the gift is nuts!!! Boo hoo for him. He's pushing your buttons knowing you will feel some sense of guilt, DON"T. He'll hit you with the "don't you trust me" thing next. I think you are completely in the right to be upset and he should have the decency to respect your feelings and understand how this could/will affect your M. What a guy.
Yes, you still have issues to work out in this M. Sorry you have to deal with this especially at this time of year.

[*KS*Chick*]

If it's over with her and he's stopped contact, why did he feel the need to buy her a gift? And YOU took the joy out of him buying HER a gift?! WTH!!!!!!!!!

Did you ask him how he'd feel if you bought OM a gift...to let him know you cared?

I have trusted him when he says he does not speak to her and it is over.

Is it over if he's taking time and putting thought into buying her a Christmas gift???

[Sigh]

Why do I feel guilty because he bought her a gift?

Not sure what you mean here. "YOU FEEL GUILTY?"

I guess the guilt stems from the pain I have caused him, and what right do I have to voice that I am hurt that he did this. To make him feel bad about something he wanted to do.

I am not one to be able to explain my emotions well, never have. I am working on it though.

Thank you all for the responses. Helps me realize that I am not as crazy as I thought.

[osu43130]

Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. Just remember that.

[*KS*Chick*]

Why do I feel guilty because he bought her a gift?

Not sure what you mean here. "YOU FEEL GUILTY?"

I guess the guilt stems from the pain I have caused him, and what right do I have to voice that I am hurt that he did this. To make him feel bad about something he wanted to do.

I am not one to be able to explain my emotions well, never have. I am working on it though.

Thank you all for the responses. Helps me realize that I am not as crazy as I thought.

---

we're not supposed to work on the past right? He caused you pain too - you're not out still talking to OM. You're not crazy - I'd be ticked off too!

[osu43130]

Just remember to control you anger ladies...Who knows what is going through his head right now. WE all have to be the better person and stand firmly on our beliefs no matter what the WAS is doing.

Yes you got ticked off and If I were in your shoes I would have too. Honestly I do not think that I will even make it that far in my sitch to have the ability to get ticked off at her if she did somthing stupid like that. Only time will tell.

Keep up the faith,
O

[gotta_change]

Sigh: Oh wow, we are both going through some similar stuff. My H actually started having an EA with an ex-girlfriend 8 months ago. He was "working through it" and now he's saying he's just friends. He'll never admit it was an EA. But they talk daily and meet up every now and then. Her husband knows, didn't like it now I think she hides their calls/texts from him.

After a few months of the EA, he asked me to share with him any of my secrets (I think because he was feeling guilty about his EA.) So I dropped the bomb on him about my A (two of them). One happening was going on at the time I dropped the bomb. He did not stop his EA. It might have strengthened it. Either way, I told him that it was probably jealousy that made me tell him. Plus the fact that I really did want us to be together. (Good news for LBS - seeing our men with OW does get to us)

So, the whole X-mas present to her is something he's saying that I have no right to stop him. He already gave it to her.

I sucked it up. Not sure if it was the right thing to do - but I had the guilt thing going as well. He's saying she's helping him through this by being just a friend, not an EA. I know its a bit of both. I'm not stupid. He does throw it in my face to hurt me, then tells me that he's only doing it because it's the one thing he knows that bothers me.

Your H may be getting the attention/feeling of self worth from this OW because of your bomb. You may want to discuss that with him.

[osu43130]

(Good news for LBS - seeing our men with OW does get to us)

I do not know about that. My W seems like she wants me to start dating other people. Maybe it is her guilt and for a reason to justify what she is doing but screw that, I am definitly not that type of person.