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Well All
,
First, sorry for the length of this. I have a lot to figure out.

I feared writing here, since I wondered if I'd jinx things up by doing so. If you followed my sitch, you know that 18 months ago, my Hmlc went off to do a fellowship, for yet another medical credential, and did so without my consent. He had interviewed/applied and decided WITHOUT my knowledge or input and so I was deeply hurt and he knew it. Left anyhow. I began the DB work one year ago.

H acted as if he HAD to do it. Never said he was "leaving" as in the M, just "going back to school up the road" (300 miles away). And all of this was to enable him to pursue a job in Alaska, the one place I did not want to return to. He denied that at the time, but it was true. So he now lives 3000 miles away. He pursued that job without my knowing it and accepted employment there, and let me guess what was happening once it happened. There was a lot of deceit involved, denial of doing anything wrong--H felt if he wanted something career wise, it Must be good and therefore I should support it......So you know, My H is an MD and that is his 2nd career and I've been with him through the whole deal, first career, med school, residency, blah blah blah. M Over 25 years with 3 kids, s20 in college, d17 and d9. We've accomplished a lot. Both have professional degrees, great kids...he was earning plenty of money before he went up there last summer btw and this has cost us a fortune in lost income since he took huge pay cuts (temporarily he says). It'll take awhile for us to catch up financially even if he Does make a gazillion dollars up there, eventually, as he hopes and believes he will. And he probably will. And since his money numbers are likely true, he seems to think it justifies the choices made.

Looking back, I see mistakes made on both sides. As much as he wanted the fellowship, I feared it was really about returning to Alaska, and that was true as it turns out. That hurt b/c I could not understand why he didn't just take it off the table once he knew I didn't want to live there. Would have been easy for me to do. In fact, I did that for him with other places.... But, I took his desire to return there as an example of how little I meant to him and now I can see it had very little to do with me. And H does love our children. It is still beyond me how he could be willing to miss so much of their limited time with us (we have a d17 whose last 2 years at home will have been spent without H here...???). But I also took his long hours, which were sometimes volunteered for extra money, as a screwy priority system and an example of him choosing career/money over family,etc. and then when he would come home, I would have my arms crossed, emotionally. I wish I'd made a home environment happy enough that only an idiot would choose working over coming home. It would have not made a total diff since H is a workaholic, but it would have been more loving and maybe more successful than what I did do. God knows, tactically I was stupid. I feared complimenting him too much b/c I actually thought H would then take advantage more, and would work even more if I put up with his horrible hours and complimented him at home, instead of complaining to let him know we wanted more of him....brillliant, huh?? Still, I made All my career choices with my family in mind first, especially since H didn't. Yet maybe he say my hours at home as a reason for him to work more, due to my lost income and I saw his longer hours as more of a reason for me to stay home with the kids....resentments grew, snide remarks cutting into our hearts...Yes, I would do things differently...but I can't go back in time.

Anyway, since his fellowship boards took place in early September, it is as if he just noticed he was alone up there. He no longer had "a goal" or objective to pursue just in front of him. He must have looked around and said, "where is everybody?" He calls daily and tells me/us he misses us, needs us with him there (sometimes, less often, he talks of being together here) and generally says things I need to hear. Talks of what a great team we are, how our lives and future will be so great and that finally he has a job that won't eat up all his time, yet will provide financial security.

To sum up, he wants back into the M as if he never left it, but with the obvious condition that I join him after d17 graduates, or somehow we continue in this "commuter" M where we visit often but keep the main home here in southern california.....he really truly just wants me and d9 to join him, and he admits that. But he's willing to have something less, but I don't know what.

Here are my options: Weirdly, I was offered a very very good job up there, which I would not be offered anywhere else due to the shallow talent pool up there (I'm referring to the legal profession and my credentials/experience) and the relatively good pay. WTH?? H couldn't have caused it, although I am positive he was thrilled and must have expressed support of the idea once he heard I'd be a candidate...So, that's very UNexpected and complicating....

I could go up there and give it a try. might love the job, H might be the "best H he can be" using his words....d9 Might adjust, at least in some time, and be alright there until at least she's a bit older (the older the kids get, the harder the move and the worse the schools seem up there, to me). d17 will be starting college and MIGHT be alright leaving the nest, as I too leave it, taking her little sister with me. They are very close. The reality is that moving up there will cause upheaval in both d's lives, and mine. It only serves H's purposes, on its' face. But then, doesn't having an intact M do something good for d9? The girls and I have gotten our own rhythym here, and are coping pretty well. I can actually say we are pretty happy...but even that will change next fall when d17 goes off to college so even if I stay put, changes are coming.

It's that time of life when transitions of magnitude happen to all of us. Children get old enough to leave, but are young enough to still need us, we hope...Siblings part ways and learn to live apart, and yet try to stay close. I've seen my d17 visit her older brother, s20 in NYC and come back refreshed and happy....I am close to my sisters and we live 2500 miles apart....it can happen.

I dislike how I've been put into a position where my choices boil down to joining H up there, Mainly b/c of HOW we got to this point....his unilateral choices, secretly made, etc. I dislike having to hurt someone I love no matter what I do, all b/c of choices H made. IF I go up there, my d's are split up geographically even worse than otherwise, and there is huge upheaval in d9's life as well as mine. there are some legal ramifications too, but I think I can fix those. IF I do NOT go there, I can only assume H will either come down here and resent me, act spoiled and angry, which will lead to the final end of our M, or we keep on doing this weird type of semi-M where we see each other monthly, with maybe 8 weeks together per year, total....seems like that would end in D too.....I think....

No matter what, I know something now that I did not know 18 months ago. I believe I can be happy without a man at all, and certainly without H in my life. It's sad if we end b/c we could have had such a good thing later in life, b/c we had great passion and were a great team and H says that all the time. H wants "me" and no one else, etc..."great future", etc.

But as I look at him now, I see him differently. He is not a bad man and he is very smart, educated and interested in many subjects and not at all threatened by my own intelligence....but he is also selfish and at times, very oblivious to how his actions affect others.....which I think means he lacks empathy, or self awareness or something , some characteristic that I think I really value...so, where does that leave me? I do love him. But at times, I wonder if I'll ever feel the same about someone who'd risk losing our M and his only children's R's with him, for a job. I know, he does NOT think he did that. But he knows deep down, he missed a LOT of their years here, and he is dimly aware (maybe more but I can't tell) that he should have been there more for them, and for him...

I would never have done this to him or our children, for any amount of money. But as Was2sad said once, maybe this was something H "had to do" for reasons I will never understand. I get that, or I get that I won't get it....

H turned 50 last month and it was a big deal for him. I surprised him by flying up and he was really moved....I felt sorry for him being so alone up there, (although God knows I am glad he IS alone) and just couldn't see missing his 50th which I knew was traumatic for him. Unfortunately H may have interpreted this gesture to mean I want to live there....but at least it was a loving thing I did and it wasn't due to being manipulated by him, it was my choice....

In some ways nothing has changed externally, yet I am posting here. I guess it's cause H's tune has changed a lot and he is saying things I need to hear. Like he said he knows He can be a better H and wants to be....and says he kows he has "a lot of crow to eat and wants the chance to eat it" HIS words, not mine....but then when we are together, it only takes a few days before he gets bossy or critical and has a Hard time just hanging out and relaxing....always was that way though.

I have said "love is a choice" a million times. Yet I feel reluctant to make that choice right now. It scares me. What if H sees another job somewhere else, or gets itchy feet again, or has money fears again and hides things from me that have huge impacts on my life? I cannot endure one more single deception or manipulation again, I think.

And I have met other men, and have NOT had affairs. But I know they are out there and many of them have been hurt and are not jerks and I could be happy with one of them, and get to stay in a beautiful area of the country with weather that makes me happy....would that be so wrong of me to want? must I choose to stay M to a man who costs me so much emotionally and even physically, since living there will require AD's and a special light, extra working out, etc. to deal with the darkness.....to demand so much of me after so many years of that--his Medical career is sooo time consuming and labor intensive, I cannot imagine re-marrying a doctor again but of course, when we married he was not a med student, but a veterinary student and I thought our life would be so different. So did he.

What to do and how to do it? I still have forgiveness work, which I do realize. But more than that, I need clarity. And a plan. At least forgiveness Is a plan and I can do it regardless of my other choices. I don't want to be and won't be a bitter wife or bitter ex-wife, so I have to let go of all this.

But what is the Moral thing to do? Hurt my d's again, for H and the M? End the M? That hurts them too. What is the least painful choice to make? Isn't that the way we figure out what the right thing to do is? Does anyone have an answer?

I welcome input, big time. And yes, I see a pro-M counselor and have had sessions with the Db coach. They have been great but also seem to see me at a cross roads, and believe it or not, neither has told me to go on up there....nor have they said file for a D. I think they both wish that H would choose us, and then ironically, I probably would have little problem with choosing to join him, and give it a chance up there. Just so hard to do knowing that 1) H wouldn't do that for me and that hurts me deeply and affects how I feel about our M and him, and 2), it's hard to live up there in the winter and the winter is long.... I need sun light, period.

When we are together, we have fun and our intimacy is good as long as I stay in the moment, and or remind him gently when he gets to irritable/bossy or controlling. After all, we've done fine without him here, b/c of HIS chioces. It's hard for him to charge in and think he can start ordering us around.
But I hear some of the things he says, politically, or professionally, that sound foreign and or self serving to me....I see Him sometimes, like he is a stranger to me....not so kind, not so smooth, not so right....

What is this???? Why am I so confused when I thought I knew what I wanted for so long????

Christ, I wish once in my life a moral question would get a really clear answer, like with lightning or letters in the sky...etc. Then I'd do it, if I just knew what the right thing to do is......and since my pro-M mc is a Christian I've already gone over the biblical quotes so please don't tell me to just submit and follow my H, despite the deceit and the departure....it wasn't Christ like of him obviously. I am also a mother raising daughters (and a son) who need to know, as do I, the difference between pride and self-respect, which blurs often....the diff between punishing someone, and enforcing a well set boundary....

input welcome, Help...
j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 9,678
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((((J))))
I think you are afraid.
In fact I know you are afraid of making a mistake.

I have told you before that you are an extremely logical and intelligent woman and you are trying so hard to make this into something that has the "right" answer.

It is a matter of the heart at this point, and only you can decide your own fate.
There is no right or wrong answer.



There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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well, crap...
j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 174
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Hi J -
Wow, I think what I hear you say is that you want to stay in Cali with the girls and let them continue with school and be in the sun. It would be awesome if H would come "home" and join you. It sounds like you love him still, but also love your new life here. You've found that you can have a life on your own, and that is tempting isn't it?


I followed my H to Seattle – the weather was the worst for 7 long years! Great job, great friends, the kids still call it home, but I was miserable there. We've been in Socal now for 6 years, and I love the weather and the beautiful surroundings, but now my H has an opportunity to move to AZ for a great job. At first he wanted us all to go, and then he said "he" would just go until D16 graduates next year, and then it was he was going without us and we'll see what happens down the road. Wonder in my case if OW got invited. Doubt it though.


I'm sorry you have this choice to make, but it sounds like you have your bases covered. Don't sell the house – good plan with Socal real estate. Wait until your D graduates – that's a must. Is it worth a try to see if it can work again, even if it's in AK? Intelligent and bossy – sure it's not my H? I wish I could tell you the best choice, but from reading what everyone here posts, they would give anything to have a chance to be with their S and be happy again. I get what you are saying though – some days I wonder why I would want to be with someone who is so controlling, critical, etc… then I look at my kids and remember how we got here … over 25 years of hard work and teamwork, and I can't imagine not having him in my life. What a crummy dilemma. I know that I would quit what I consider to be the best job I've ever had, leave my son and his wife (who moved here last year) and uproot my D17 (after graduation) to move to AZ if I thought we could save our M. But! I've only been separated for 6 months, with 2-3 "ugly" years before that. You have 18 months of building a new life behind you, and that is a big deal. You have to do what's right for you and the girls. I'll have to go with BND and ask "what's in your heart?" only you know that.

Hugs - Lou

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Dear LL,

I don't know what's in my heart, or what's there is in conflict. Hey, AZ is sunny at least. And I don't know what you mean by "great" job for your H. I do think a kid finishing HS in one place or at least the last 3 years, is very good for them for roots and self esteem. I've been a military member and wife and moved a lot. It wears on the ego to be the new kid too often. Our son got to have his 3 years in one place, for the first time in 9 years for him...so there is NO way I'd leave d17 now or make her leave. IF I go up there for a job, I'll defer it so as not to destabilize her anymore than she already has been. her grades dropped her junior year (oh btw, guess what year H left????? One month before her junior year....gotta let that go too) so even though she has good SATs and "decent" grades, she is out of the Ivy league running now, which her brother attends. Not too fair. But none of this was. And as I said, H is not a bad man. he is a flawed human who has made some poor choices the past 2 years and didn't have any, or enough close friends telling him right from wrong, One good friend tried, more than once, so I have to recall that with warmth. There are those guys out there. Anyhow, once H saw that I really didn't want to go there and was saying "no" firmly, to something he wanted, for the First time in our M, he obviously didn't take it well. Seething, resenting and then deceiving....you know, if he'd come out and told me of his fears about not handling the gruelling hours of the OR with transplant cases, etc. and his fear that he only has a few (less than 10) years left to earn our nest egg, b/c he can't keep up the long hours for another decade, I would have heard him....but he never could admit things like fear....so it all just looked so selfish. And the PROCESS of making the choices is for me, MORE important than the actual decisions made. No one cares about the color of the car as much as being asked what color they prefer....know what I mean?

So, you are assuming your H wants the job more than anything else b/c nothing else is as important as HIS job....incredible and crazy and selfish--it all seems to be....and yet I wonder how much of this is a guy thing. It's as if they fear aging and never having made "it" or never finding the "secret to life" and the secret is, there is NO secret. Live as well as you can now, since now is all you can have control over. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is promised to no one..... Men have burdens we lack, in some ways. Increased expectations from society about earnings/protecting us, being sensitve and loving one minute only to have to (theoretically at least) be ready to defend their family's the next minute, including maybe killing. It's a dichotomy that is unfair to men today. But then, some men are so afraid of really giving us a choice, so afraid the answer might be no, they stop asking and just start taking. If H had not dragged lies into this process, the job offer up there alone would have gotten me there, PROBABLY, for at least a try. But with his idiocy of the past, I am sort of paralyzed about signals and safety, etc.

I don't know of another Woman in our sitch, but assume you have one (OW) and that changes things emotionally, a lot, needless to say. What's up with that? Other kids? I have not read your post....I will.

And for now, other than trying to help other here, which DOES help us too, I have to figure out what my heart is telling me. My mc said today for me to KNOW one thing at least, that I CAN AND LIKELY WILL BE FINE and happy without H, living here with someone else who could/would love me....He reassured me that I shouldn't fear the statistics of women over 40, etc. and that helps me a lot some days. Other days I don't care about being single forever, as long as I have friends. Single may well not mean lonely. I am still considered quite attractive and am in good shape, just to be clear. I also know that won't last forever and I can already sense the curiosity about face lifts down the road, growing in me....hey, I live in southern california....Don't judge until you live near Cindi Crawfords all around you. Of course, that was an advantage of Alaska. Since I shave my legs AND brush my teeth, and have most of my teeth, when I visit up there I immediately leap two or three levels UP in looks so a 7 in looks becomes a 9...the opposite of LA.....

thanks for posting and let me know what you are doing. you sound as if the non-chalance of your H's view about leaving with or without you is so hurtful it puts quite a damper on the desire to uproot everyone, not to mention his OW issue. Maybe the move was a geographical proposal of his to escape the sitch with her and you? Anyhow, don't think moving there alone will be such a blast for him. God knows, my H is lonely. I know the advantages of watching chick flicks and leaving underwear around where he can't complain and I KNOW he has those advantages and less family responsiblitly and the unfairness of that, etc. But I know something more important too. I have our children and our friends and if I had to choose between his life, as it is today and as it will be down the road with our kids when they all grow up, I'd take my life anytime. H has lost so much more than I have and may never know that. But isn't the important part, that WE know it??? I do. And maybe one reason H is apparently coming around, is b/c he is starting to feel left out of th good stuff and he IS, since he is not here for it. ....so I call with some problems if they're important for him to know, but I make more of an effort to mention the fun things we do or are planning, small and big trips, getting the tree up and decorated, getting college letters in and applications out and visiting the campuses and maybe sending a text message out to him hinting at the blast we had....he gets it sometimes. He flew down early last week, so he could make our d17's show, which I directed, btw. She was a hit and performed so well, she is a gifted actress and as tears rolled down her face in her monologue (from "To Gillian on her 37th Birthday") the entire audience was crying or totally silent and she got a standing ovation.....she was also in some hilarious comedic pieces but it was clearly "her" night, if you know what I mean. H was there and quite proud, and happy he made it. I was glad too. For her mostly, but for him too....he has missed so much he'll never be able to make up for. BUt we are the luckier ones. You have a great job, and I have in the past, and will again but 'ain't no way" I regret the times with the kids over any of my jobs....

keep on keepin' on and let me know what and how you decide, and whether you get a bolt of lightning, etc.
j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
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Oh and another thing...

There are lots of "mights" in your post.
So let me add some more...

Your D17 might really like going off to College and if she does well she can always transfer to an Ivy League school.

By the way my S20 was accepted to 4 awesome schools, 3 in Boston, he ended up choosing a school where he felt he could "fit in" better and wouldn't have to deal with too much pressure after the horrendous ordeal he had gone through with my H leaving, etc.

He is doing very well, great grades, full scholarship and is a PS major, wanting to be an Attorney.
Our children will be OK, you and your Husband laid a good foundation for them.
The MLC is just a huge bump in the road but they really will be OK.

The new employment opportunity might just be really good for you.
A new career, doing what you are good at I think it is worth a shot, you have nothing to lose.

You might actually enjoy Alaska, especially since you have teeth! You will be Miss Hollywood over there!! Which definately doesn't hurt the ego any!

You have been married too long to not take a chance.

You and your Husband might actually be able to have a much better marriage and your D9 will also have the opportunity to have both of her parents raising her.

I wouldn't worry about D9 and the school thing.
It is more important that she has some family security. And at that age they need both parents loving her.

Again, I do believe that you and your Husband laid a good foundation for your children and as long as you maintain this everything will be OK.

The way you view your Husband right now is going to be a little skewed.

You are normal.
Everything you are saying is normal.

You were betrayed, your whole life turned upside down and you had to survive on your own while your Husband was trying to figure himself out.

Yes it was selfish.
Yes it was wrong.
But he is your Husband and for your own happiness it might be worth a try.
You love the man, he loves you.

I am by no means trying to romanticize this, but can you look at this as an adventure?

A chance to try something new, but with the hope of something better then you had before.

Now lets get down to brass tacks...

(((J)))
You have every single right to be afraid.
I too have fears.
I think of the what if's.
I wonder what is going to happen if he ever flips out again.
I wonder if I am a fool at times for allowing my heart to be so willing to be broken again.
I wonder if it is me who is settling for 2nd best at times.
I go through a whole range of feelings.
BUT
I know I love my Husband.
I know I have to give this marriage one last shot at success.
I have to know I have done my very best.
So I am letting down my guard and taking that huge leap of faith.


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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25ymlc,

I agree, you need to do what is in your heart. Dig deep down inside yourself. Ask yourself what is it that is truly going to make you happy?

IMO, this has been such a long and painful journey for you I would hate to see you not give your M another shot, but if you decide not to I would understand.

Your a great person, given me so much advice and I love ya honey

Take care of yourself. I have all the faith in the world that you will do the right thing. You have come a long way and grown so much.

KTF7

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Hey B,

So you know, back in '97 I was very pregnant and agreed to the original move there, (from San Antonio-which we all loved) b/c i was quitting my job anyhow, to stay at home with our 3rd, and probably last child. I knew H had only one assignment in the Army left, to pay back for med school. It was the Most loving thing I ever did for anyone, and I knew at the time that it was, and I remember trusting God and looking at it as an adventure. Granted, Fairbanks is a 10th the size of where H is now, (Anchorage) and not nearly as scenic, and actually in one of the coldest (and warmest in the summer--more extreme on both ends in Fairbanks) places as opposed to Anchorage. All true. But when we got to Fairbanks and I gave birth, shortly after, and I mean SHORTLY after, H went "native" on me and started in on the long hunts and fishing trips and blah blah blah and telling me how much he LOVED it there. Every effort I made to adjust, like auditioning and getting roles, doing stand up comedy, working at shelters, working out and going to a tanning booth, just to feel ok, (including taking anti-depressants eventually) were seen as Proof that I could in fact adjust and to just shut up about it, especially since I was no longer earning money...although unspoken at first, there was a noticable shift in "power" once I no longer got a paycheck and soon enough H came out and just said it. He bought high priced toys with no discussion, repeatedly -- a boat, an All terrain vehicle, trailer for the boat, snow machine, etc...... So I've done the adventure route, for the record.....

I know, it's been nearly a decade and he'd do things differently now, and so would/will I....I know. But I do have an adventurous streak, (I'm skydiving for my birthday next month, fyi, it is on my list of things I want to do before I die,--note the irony?)... I guess I just wanted to say that. The rest of what you wrote, I'll keep re-reading... it is good and I get it. And yet, my alternative to going off with H is not bleak to me. Finally. I have a life I enjoy here, even without H. I am not heartbroken today. Being with H is NOT the surefire way to happiness by any means... but as far as my d9, I see the value of an intact family and she loves her dad. But my d17 IS hurting from her father's departure, look at her comments, I didn't make them up and I didn't pressure her to say or feel that way. She just reacted like a normal girl who has a dad that left her just before her junior year of high school and won't be here for her last one....although he was totally present for our son's...you tell me how she is supposed to feel....in my opinion, their R will likely Never be as close as it could have been and I am sure her trust of men has been affected....and that saddens me, a lot.

BND, I also heard you about the "other man" in my life, or potentially in my life. He is a good man who deserves to be with a woman who is available. But I wonder if God didn't just send him to me to remind me, that it should NOT be fear of being alone that re-unites me and our H, but love for him and our family, and committment to the M.... So, while I fear reuniting and being hurt again, I will NEVER be terrified of being left alone again in the same way. So maybe I am not risking as much....??? Yep I am. B/C if H flips again, I will feel like an idiot...but I guess not for very long, huh? B/c I would certainly EXIT stage left, before H could blink twice, if he goes nuts again... okay, no need to decide today by noon....
thanks, a lot.
j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
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Posts: 9,678
Our stories are strangely similar in some ways.

My D18 had a very difficult time with her Dad being gone 3000 miles away.
She was always her Daddy's princess.
My D18 felt abandoned and was very angry.
There were so many broken promises and she went through hell.
So, what did I do...
I tried to fix things.
I made his promises become fulfilled though me.
For example, my D18 sings and is very talented.
He was the one who was supposed to take her to some contests etc, so I ended up doing it.
Including driving 2 hours at 2 AM to get to her to the American Idol tryouts for 2 days in a row.
I am the one who did all of the College stuff for S20 so he could attend.
It was me that did all of the Graduation stuff and prom stuff for both of them, he was off in lala land.
I hid the fact that I was totally broke from my kids and never badmouthed him in front of them.
I sold many personal items just to buy groceries and made sure the kids never went without.
My MIL owes me ALOT of money and I will never see a dime of it again.
When ever he played Santa I kept my mouth shut.

Yes the list could go on and on but what is the point anymore????

At this point in time, D18 and my H are doing well.
They talk daily.
They email and call each other and things are much better.
I can not fix their relationship anymore.
I am tired now.
This whole MLC crap has worn me out and I no longer want to even deal with what has happened.
But I can not run away from it.

I also know I will not die if H goes off the deep end and runs away.
I also know that I will never put up with the things I did this time around.
The thought of another man in my life does nothing for me.
I just can't do the dating thing.
I doubt much in this post makes sense, my head is probably filled with paint fumes, as I am redecorating right now.
But I wanted you to know that I hear every single word you are saying and you have many good points.

But you are also riding the fence and you have to decide one way or the other.


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
B,

I wish you were a year down the road so you could tell me how many times, each day, a memory flares up and catches your breath and you bite your tongue, b/c you don't want to ""ruin the moment" with your H, even though the memory is from HIS abandonment of you AND your c hildren and the separate life he led you know so little about, the "friends" he made and the ones you made who don't get how you could possibly take your H back "after putting [you] thru the ringer", etc. They are right, in their way. There were literally hundreds and hundreds of days and nights, and memories of them, that each contain a painful moment/hour/nightmare...

I want to know when your H tires of how long it takes for you to forgive AND forget, and how fast he goes back to his selfish or critical ways....and I pray he never does....

There are NO guarantees and there Never were...true. I gotta just relax and since I was put on this fence, actually, truth be told H is lucky I'm on the fence. Gotta say, if there were an OW i knew about, and it had lasted any real amount of time, no way could I do this at all....and yet so many on these bb do so....

The OM is kind and not pushy at all. Just saw my life, how H went nuts and kind of wondered if I was secretly a nutty psycho but got to know me thru our children, and figured out my H was in MLC and very far away. His WAW married her old boyfriend, so he knows what it's llike to have kids and be heartbroken and in that way he is a kindred spirit. But not pushing anything fast.... like I said, sometimes I think God boosts our ego just when we need it the most, or as a reminder of why we should make some decisions. Not fear based....And I AM doing my forgiveness exercises, they do help me a lot.

How has your H acknowledged some or any of the things you and I discussed about the nights/days/events/money problems/sad kids, etc.??? Did he do it at all? What are you telling the kids and what IS going on time wise with H? Is he moving back to a new job? Does he get how unhelpful things were financially, etc. Any chance YOU would uproot the kids and move to where your H was living (which is near me, as you know)? Think about that honestly and tell me what you'd do. I know you are not me, but I want to know what framework of reference to use, which lens to use, if you know what I mean. And just saying that it's a matter of the heart, isn't totally clarifying to me. I am in conflict, simply put. Thanks so much BND--
j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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