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past thread in SSM

OK so it's been a while since I've written anything which for me is usually a sign that things are going OK and/or that I'm just busy with the life I went and got myself.

H has been more attentive physically and attempting to be more interested in having me around (ie. asking me to sit on the front porch with him for a few min when he arrives home from work).

All looks as if it's going well (here it comes LL's famous) BUT...I noticed h has been ordering pay per view porno (trying to hide it but I can find it on the tv menu) and when we do have it's very mechanical and not intimate or sensual.

I thought for a bit that maybe it was just me not wanting to get comfortable and let myself be fully there just incase it didn't last (not the length of the encounter but that the encounter wouldn't repeat itself again any time soon). But now I'm starting to think it could just be that we don't have a sensual connection or an intimate connection, h is watching porn getting horny, no longer having an A (maybe his a was a PA after all) and so he thinks he's giving me what I want by being more interested in sex but...

I want to be clear in that I'm not against a good roll in the hay with my h just for the sake of rolling in the hay...but it'd be nice if occassionaly it were more of a mental and physical connection rather than just for the sake of getting off.

here's the issue...I don't want to just start saying no and become one of those dreaded LD wives but I don't think I can continue to let things go this way.

How can I address the issue with h without being met with the "you'll never be satisfied no matter what I do" response. In his eyes...I'm getting what I had always complained about not getting...trouble is in my eyes I'm not...it wasn't just about a lack of sex it was about the lack of physical intimacy (cuddling on the couch, massages, hugs, long kisses that lead to nothing but a warm feeling that maybe you'll do something about later that evening etc, talking, connecting)...

am I screwed simply because I'm now getting screwed?

LL

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I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Porno is as addictive as any drug. It took me a year of hard work to get sober from it. While addicted, it is near impossible to keep an intimate/sensual connection open with your partner. One consequence of this addiction is 'false intimacy', to hide your shame and cover your guilt. Been there, done that.

It is critical for the future of your relationship that he curb his porn viewing habits once and for all. It won't be easy, but the end result is worth it.

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Quote:

here's the issue...I don't want to just start saying no and become one of those dreaded LD wives but I don't think I can continue to let things go this way.





So, don't!

Quote:


How can I address the issue with h without being met with the "you'll never be satisfied no matter what I do" response. In his eyes...I'm getting what I had always complained about not getting...trouble is in my eyes I'm not...it wasn't just about a lack of sex it was about the lack of physical intimacy (cuddling on the couch, massages, hugs, long kisses that lead to nothing but a warm feeling that maybe you'll do something about later that evening etc, talking, connecting)...





I wouldn't address it with words, because you're probably right - based on what you've written about the steps he has been taking toward meeting your needs - he probably will feel that he can't win with you.

So, keep your mouth shut. Don't discuss it.

Just take what you want/need. Do with him what you want him to do with you.

Want the sex to be less mechanical? Then step out of the routine, tell him to kick back - you've got some things you would like to do - and proceed to do them.

Is the porn an issue for you?

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Hi MrsNop

Quote:

Is the porn an issue for you?





It is not so much that the porn is an issue for me...it's that h was never one for it. Always claimed to just not be into that so this "change" worries me a bit.

Why the porn is an issue for me is because I think it may be effecting our sl in a negative way. On the positive side it's making him more interested but on the negative side when we are together I don't feel like it's us, it's just his body and my body. I felt this way before I realized he was renting the porn so it's not me creating the feeling based on that.

Quote:

Want the sex to be less mechanical? Then step out of the routine, tell him to kick back - you've got some things you would like to do - and proceed to do them.




I don't mean mechanical as in predicatbly following a routine...I mean mechanical in that there's no real connection going on..it feels more like a sober one night stand that you really don't want to have...I do get hugged and pecked on the cheek at the end but it just doesn't feel right.

I know we've been through alot but something just feels wrong. If I didn't know about the porn I'd think he was having another A and just stepping up his activity with me to cover for it (a lesson perhaps learned from his last A) and well that leads me to what is probably the crux of it all...I don't believe we've healed from the A + seperation...h has just wanted to keep it in the past and "get over it"...pretend it never happend...don't mention it etc.

LL

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Hi LL,

Glad to hear some things have changed for you anyway. I think it is maybe a case of baby steps KWIM. He is at least having sex with you and that is a step in the right direction. Load on the praise (somehow??) and maybe he'll want to do it more and in a more intimate way. Y'know after sex being smily loving W that brings him his coffee in bed in the morning (or whatever), so he gets that cause and effect feeling.

Do you talk at all during sex? Saying stuff can help build up the EC. ILY or you're my one and only or whatever intimate phrase you can think of that builds a connection between the two of you. You don't need to overdo it, just once or twice during the encounter.

I get the sense you are not trusting him? You are worried about the porn and worried the sex is just a cover for what else he might be doing. I can understand that LL. Problem is having these thoughts is sabotaging any EC you could build. Maybe you are right in your suspicions but maybe by acting like you don't feel that way you can build bridges with him that you can't build while you're still holding back. I know how hard it is to put our trust back in someone that has broken that trust but it's a kind of catch-22 situation. He needs to feel that trust coming off you to put himself in the position where he wants to build EC.

Sounds like you are doing better than I am anyhow.

take care

Fran


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Quote:

I'm getting what I had always complained about not getting...trouble is in my eyes I'm not...it wasn't just about a lack of sex it was about the lack of physical intimacy (cuddling on the couch, massages, hugs, long kisses that lead to nothing but a warm feeling that maybe you'll do something about later that evening etc, talking, connecting)...

am I screwed simply because I'm now getting screwed?





Does he physically avoid you when you're together? If you snuggle up to him on the couch does he stiffen and move away? Are you initiating any of these things or are things so uncomfortable that you are waiting on him to do so? If you have grabbed him for a hug or kiss, does he reject you?

What would you say are your husband's emotional needs? Conversation? Companionship? Expressions of respect?

You know what makes you feel close to him, do you know what makes him feel close to you?

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IMO, this is a guilt issue (possibly even instigated by some passive-aggressive behavior from you)...

It's entirely likely he's imagining other women, many women at once, wild situations, etc. during LM. But..frankly, this isn't unusual in men. Men are stimulated visually.

Where you're getting that "there's something missing" feeling is, I believe you're picking up his subconscious guilt in having those fantasies because he feels you would "disapprove" or would feel jealous (true or not).

A suggestion:

Tell him you'd like to watch the adult films WITH him. This will let him know you're OK with it. Even BETTER, bury your inhibitions and attempt to let it stoke YOUR libido and go ahead and play (but not out of obligation - he'll KNOW). You'll find it won't take long before YOU become his primary supplier of pleasure, even in his fantasy world. As that happens, the porno watching will become more rare along with that "something's missing" feeling after LM.

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Hi Fran,

Quote:



Glad to hear some things have changed for you anyway. I think it is maybe a case of baby steps KWIM. He is at least having sex with you and that is a step in the right direction.

That's the thing...is he really having sex with me..

Load on the praise (somehow??) and maybe he'll want to do it more and in a more intimate way. Y'know after sex being smily loving W that brings him his coffee in bed in the morning (or whatever), so he gets that cause and effect feeling.

The cause and effect feeling wont work in this scenario because this is different sex

Do you talk at all during sex? Saying stuff can help build up the EC. ILY or you're my one and only or whatever intimate phrase you can think of that builds a connection between the two of you. You don't need to overdo it, just once or twice during the encounter.

I have not been in the habbit of saying ILY since the seperation...I'm not going to say something I don't feel and I honestly don't know if I feel it...I know that I don't feel it at all during our recent encounters. this sex is awful...it's strange because we seem to be getting along much better but the sex is more distant than it was when we weren't as close.

I get the sense you are not trusting him? You are worried about the porn and worried the sex is just a cover for what else he might be doing. He needs to feel that trust coming off you to put himself in the position where he wants to build EC.

I don't think I'll ever trust him again. Especially not with his current behavior...what did he trade having an affair for watching porn? I don't know which I'd rather. don't get me wrong...I've watched cinemax late night but I never did understand the desire to watch full on see all porn what's so exciting about that?

Sounds like you are doing better than I am anyhow.

I did take a peek at your thread. I'm sorry I don't have much to say about your sit. Sounds like you're dealing with an awful lot there. Hang in and know that you are a strong, smart, deserving woman.

LL



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Hi MrsNop,

thanks for coming back.

Quote:

Does he physically avoid you when you're together?
Not anymore

If you snuggle up to him on the couch does he stiffen and move away? Are you initiating any of these things or are things so uncomfortable that you are waiting on him to do so?

I've given up on initiating due to years of rejection and humiliation...decided it was better to not try and be sad than to try and be mad.

If you have grabbed him for a hug or kiss, does he reject you?

Depends on when/where and the delivery...I don't feel like I can just plan one on him whenver however I feel the urge.

What would you say are your husband's emotional needs? Conversation? Companionship? Expressions of respect?

Expressions of respect (though I don't feel very respected) H's LL's are (if that's what your getting at Acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, quality time. Mine are in order quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts.

You know what makes you feel close to him, do you know what makes him feel close to you?

After 18 years I can honestly say that I no longer know this man.

MrsNOP -



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Hey there oneijoe,

thanks for your input...

Quote:

IMO, this is a guilt issue (possibly even instigated by some passive-aggressive behavior from you)...

If by passive aggressive behavior from me you mean me no longer bothering him about the lack of sex issue or anything else for that matter and just doing my own thing..ya I guess it may be what brought it on but who the he!! knows. I'm pretty direct...I didn't know about the porn until we had trouble with the satelite and in searching through the menus I found purchases...questioned him initially and he denied it...then later confessed...when speaking to the satelite co I had them change the ppv set up so that you have to make a phone call to order...maybe he changed it back but who knows...

It's entirely likely he's imagining other women, many women at once, wild situations, etc. during LM. But..frankly, this isn't unusual in men. Men are stimulated visually.

Aren't we all? well lately I find myself imagining myself with someone else just to get through it.

Where you're getting that "there's something missing" feeling is, I believe you're picking up his subconscious guilt in having those fantasies because he feels you would "disapprove" or would feel jealous (true or not).

Not really jealous...just disgusted. This is a man who never had porn mags, didn't want to go to a strip club for his bach pty...always claimed to not be into that and now suddenly he's pay per viewing porno at 5 bucks a wack and not even saving it? all in the name of boredome?

A suggestion:

Tell him you'd like to watch the adult films WITH him. This will let him know you're OK with it. Even BETTER, bury your inhibitions and attempt to let it stoke YOUR libido and go ahead and play (but not out of obligation - he'll KNOW).

You'll find it won't take long before YOU become his primary supplier of pleasure, even in his fantasy world. As that happens, the porno watching will become more rare along with that "something's missing" feeling after LM.




I've already dealt with a real live OW and seperation...I'm not going to put myself out there to deal with his sudden desire for porn...it's not that I mind him wathcing porn...as I said I've been known to watch cinemax late night on occassion...it's the way sex has been with him lately...mind you I'm no prude...I like to have fun but this just feels cheap. It all just feels too much like being with a stranger without the fun of it being a stranger.

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