I DB’d previously, which allowed my marriage to continue until recently. I am now back again to journal what happens next.
Quick overview/current mindset status: Both wife and I are Christians, married 16 years, two kids (daughter 15, son 12) together and stepson, 24. Wife moved out July 15, 2006 (I recently found out she signed a two year lease).Since the move out, I have discovered that a coworker friend is in fact, an OM. The relationship goes back before she filed divorce to at least an EA. The relationship crossed over to an EA at some point. Following her move out, W had OM stay over night her place every time the kids were not there. I have since discovered a significant number of things which confirms their relationship is far more than a fling.
I have felt a strong urging to record what happens next and to learn from and support those going through similar situations.
Please understand that I am a Christian and look at things from that perspective but, since I first learned about DBing, I have sought to use DBing principles for myself and to share those principles and lessons with others, regardless of their faith.
That being said, from my perspective I believe the following from the Bible:
Quote: And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
To me, this tells me that EVEN this situation will work out to glorify God, whether or not my marriage heals.
Therefore, I am excited to see what this situation will look like 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years etc, down the road, thus, the journey continues.
My current mindset: To Work on Me AND as strange as it seems, leave the door open for reconciliation. My journey, in how I became a Christian and how W and I got together leads me to believe that there is still the possibility of a miraculous reconciliation waiting to happen. At this point, though I will be working on me, I intend to wait until God clearly tells me it is time to Move On before I allow myself to start to pursue any other relationship. (This is her second act of adultery that I am aware of and I believe that I am free to pursue other relationships BUT I choose to wait on the Lord- I know I will know when it is time to move on).
What is next?: Heavy duty DBing and a deep examination of the areas in which I need to grow. A moving forwards with my life in all areas except romance.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
If there was ever a thread that stopped me dead in my tracks....it's this one.
I notice from the date you first registered here, that's you've been doing this for a long time and right now, while it may be a very dark hour for you, the strength and calmness that you describe your sitch tells me that you are totally in control.
The only difference in our sitch's is the OM, other than that...identical...timelines, WAW, MLC etc etc.
I'm a year further down the track from you so I'd like to share some actions and thoughts with you.
* Go 200% dark. I haven't seen or spoken to W in 4 months. Believe me, that's a good thing.
* Get used to your own company (you probably have to a large extent done this out of need already) and learn to love it. I find myself giggling when I'm walking around my apartment, usually something about what a grand gift it is to be alive.
* God looks after you so well. It feels as though God kept on missing me when handing out blessings, this was when W & I were living together. God has since continually blessed me to the point where I need to give thanks daily. I'm not talking about small things, I'm talking about great things, career, interests, long term dreams coming true money and opportunity.
* There is nothing wrong with leaving the door open for reconcilliation. Mine is open too but man, there needs to be some phenomenal changes take place before that happens and I'm not talking about me changing. I've done enough of that and don't feel like doing any more.
* I know for a certainty that one day (that I don't know when) that my W is going to want another chance. I can feel it so hard in my bones. I can visualize that moment so clearly and at the same time I can visualize myself shaking my head and saying "no".
C2H, it can be a smooth ride if you want it to be. I wish I knew where that little switch was to flick that refocused me to love God, love myself and to love life. Knowing that, there are so many people I could help with that information but rest assured....it's there in all of us.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Wow. I felt drawn to check this board for some reason this morning, and I think the reason was so I could read your post.
It is SO hard to remember that all things work together for good, when things are not going well. Your post is incredible-- it brings to mind a "peace that surpasses all understanding."
When my marriage first ended and I was barely able to function, my pastor gave me this same verse-- Romans 8:28. It was my mantra, even though I struggled to believe it. It was hard to see anything for the pain at the time. Looking back now (3 years later) I see that of course it was true.
You seem very grounded, and your faith is strong. You are open to the idea of reconciliation but not counting on it. I think God will lead you in the path He has planned for you, and you will not only allow this, but pursue it.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but I must say that somehow your attitude and approach to this started my day off right. Thank you.
* I know for a certainty that one day (that I don't know when) that my W is going to want another chance. I can feel it so hard in my bones. I can visualize that moment so clearly and at the same time I can visualize myself shaking my head and saying "no".
I think many of us feel that there will be some kind of an awakening in our spouses sometime in the future.
I wish I knew where that little switch was to flick that refocused me to love God, love myself and to love life. Knowing that, there are so many people I could help with that information but rest assured....it's there in all of us.
I know exactly what you mean by this. I think the answer is that God knows where the switch is and He is the one to turn it on in us once we truly ask for His help and guidance. I do agree with you that the "switch" is there in all of us. I'm so very, very grateful that I was still long enough for God to turn mine on.
Sorry for the hijack.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I am sorry you are in this struggle with the rest of us. I admire your attitude and hope it works out well for you. My case is a little different and my marriage will be ended by divorce soon. I'm OK with that now. John 8:32
I wish you well.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Your post sounds very similar to mine. My ex and I are christians also. We were actually baptized together in 98. It really makes you wonder why we have to go through this in this way. Why do we have a spouse that strays and we pray and pray and pray and don't get anywhere, even though God says "I hate divorce." I know it will all come to his glory in some way or another. I can see things forming now, nine months later, but it still doesn't mean that I care for it much at all.
Forgive me for being so negative and maybe you can help me with my negativity since you said that you now want to help people in similar situations, but have you gone through the Anger stage yet? It is a mighty stage to go through. When I first separated, my therapist kept telling me to feel anger. I told him no, I don't and I won't feel anger towards him. Boy, was I wrong. About a month ago, I felt so much intense anger that it almost knocks me over. I recovered from my depression to get into the anger stage and it is overwhelming. So, if you haven't felt it yet, BEWARE!
SuitedUP thanks for the reply and the advice- going dark is not an option just at this time, too much going on with the kids but communication is very basic- we don’t contact each other to see “how things are going”.
I am also anticipating blessings through obedience and delight in even the simplest of blessings which are there, if we only look. I journal quite a bit and make note of such blessings because they encourage me during some of the more challenging times.
2ndchances- it is hard to accept Romans 8:28 when you are the one experiencing the trials but the bible and testimony of other Christians demonstrates how God’s plans (including what He permissively allows) often doesn’t make sense. It is not until later when we see the bigger picture that we can see how the pieces fit together. Also, thanks for the kind comments.
Spitfire don’t worry about the hijack. My marriage is also in the final stages of the divorce (mention of it is buried in the second paragraph). W initiated and has pushed for the D since last November. Some delays on her part but she has been focused on making the D happen. Before during and right after her filing, there was a heavy flurry of text messages and cell calls back and forth to OM so I know their relationship was a contributing factor to her commitment to D. (I have copies of the cell bills going back to September of last year because I needed them for business reimbursement purposes. Last month I looked at the cell bill and her calls and started to see her pattern to OM and then, out of curiosity, pulled out the old bills and saw that the pattern goes back to the oldest of the bills).
Peace sorry about your pain. Maybe some of what I will share may make some sense. First, ALL people suffer which is no big surprise. The thing about Christian suffering is that we are told that it is allowed to bring about things like patience, perseverance, character and hope.
Quote: 1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:1-5
I know when well meaning people quote scripture, one often feel like telling them, “yes but you don’t know my pain” but you see, the Lord does know that pain. Every time I disobey or turn my back on him, I betray Him and His death on the cross. Every believer who loves God and then walks away from Him, grieves the loving Father, the Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit in a way that is hard for us to comprehend. A parent, who watches a child (even an adult offspring) do harm to themselves, can get just a hint of this pain experienced by God. Any parent who has seen their child destroy themselves with drugs, alcohol, crime etc knows this pain. (I bought a copy of the Passion just to watch from time to time when I want to remind myself just how much God loves us).
I got back into a men’s bible study the beginning of July and it just “coincidentally” happened that we were studying spiritual warfare for 8 weeks. During that time, we also happened do a brief study of Job at the time she was moving. For me, the timing was perfect because I was dealing with the realization of the depths of the betrayal- OM was not only her boyfriend but he was staying over night, repeatedly. (I was in such disbelief that I would drive 15 minutes at 2 a.m. just to see for myself- not a very healthy thing to do either emotionally or physically.)
The study of Job showed me how Job, who WAS righteous (where I know I was not) lost far more and suffered far more than most people realize. He was also sleep deprived and in excruciating pain, yet he never cursed God. Though he questioned God, God replied but did not answer Job. In God’s reply, we are reminded of the incomprehensible complexity, magnificence and awesomeness of God.
I share the above observations for insight as to how I have tried to deal with anger and feelings of betrayal. I was a lost sinner with whom God was unbelievably patient until I finally accepted Jesus as my savior. He continues to be patient with me 19 years later as I still fall short of the mark.
The question I ask myself is, who am I to question what God allows? Who am I focus on the plank in my sister’s eye (ok so the bible says speck) when I have a plank in my own? The more I know about God’s perfect love and grace contrasted to my own sin nature, the easier it is to look at my W with compassion (pitty?) rather than anger. Likewise, the easier it is for me to pray for her and for OM AND his salvation (he is not a Christian).
I DO get angry, depressed and experience the other negative emotions but I pray, listen to Christian music or excellent Christian bible teaching on my local station (also available online). These resources ALWAYS seems to have just what I need at exactly the right moment.
I will pray for each of you and I covet your prayers as well.
God is still on the throne and is still the God of miracles so we shall see where this journey leads.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Outing my wife! I wrote a letter to my wife and a separate one to OM last Friday (I took my son out of town and my daughter was at an event with the church). I knew they would be spending the weekend together but I needed to expose my wife’s actions in order to witness to her about what God thinks about her affair. I also wanted to let her know that I am leaving the door open for reconciliation until the LORD closes it. She (and OM) separately replied maintaining they have not crossed the line (or as OM put it “respected the legal ties” ) but there is no hiding they are emotionally involved.
To OM I wanted to establish an understanding that my interaction with him will be “cordial” for the best interest of the children. I also outlined the Gospel and let him know that when he dies, he will go before God who will ultimately judge him for his actions. I let him know that developing a relationship with Jesus was my concern for him. I also sent him the book, “More than a carpenter” by Josh McDowell.
My wife’s initial response was one of “I’m sorry” and “one day we’ll talk” but a day or so later, she responded that “she had not crossed the line” with OM and that she has peace and know that God is with her and He is providing for her. As we know, God does not contradict Himself- she is deceived.
After some email on the above topic in which W got really defensive and started blaming me for her actions, we met up after work to have the final marital agreement notarized. I had pondered holding off until I got W to meet with me and an elder from the church but I spoke with one and we agreed that since we have an agreement is fair, it was probably better to sign it (plus W has threatened to involve layers and fight me for everything I have). Again, keeping it cordial is in the best interest of the kids and W has been confronted yet she continues to be determined to divorce and will not be swayed.
My outlook is a little different than when I first posted. Now that she and I have dialogued by email and by phone last night. It is clear she has no intention of backing off from OM and cannot wait to be divorced. Yet she continues to go to church and is going to a Women of Faith conference next weekend. I still feel like the Lord will have me to sit tight and just work on my relationship with Him and to be a great dad to my kids.
I have told her I will reconcile but she insists she has no desire. So, I wait on the Lord, for now because the greener grass will soon turn yellow- it always does. The divorce will be final in 6 weeks.
God makes plans the no man would make yet I remain confident that He is still good.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Hey pal. I just wanted to remind you (using sound DB reasoning) -that you shouldn't so much rely on what comes out of the mouth as to what just comes out. I'd say that your W feels pretty convicted by your loving accountability.
