Chapter 24, might be my last here on the board

[Toomanywords]

Chapter 23

I find myself here less and less. It's approaching 1 year. Yes, I remember all the words, the emotions - everything. Yes it makes me sad everything that has happened - but I realize how much strong I have become from what I was. I'm a different person. Good in some ways, improving in others. I'm always going to trying to figure out who I want to be - because it's always going to change based on my environment, the world, the weather.

Who knows what the future holds? I do wish that someday XH and I could get to a place where I didn't feel such hurt, betrayal and anger towards him - but I'm not sure if or when that day will come. He was the 1 person in my life that I let be THAT close, to know everything, to be completely open, to hand my heart to - and he lied, he cheated, he left my heart hidden in a box packed away. I'm not sure if and when I'll be able to forgive that. There were times in the past year that I thought I could, but the knife was twisted too many times.

XH's sister is supposed to come to town this weekend and we are supposed to hang out - and I'm supposed to have lunch with her and his mom sometime while she's in town. We'll see about htat. I haven't seen or talked to XH's mom since during the D. I've talked to his sister every few weeks.

With BF - There is no promise of forever, there is no ring - if there were you can all rest assured the answer would be a firm no. Sad but true. I'm having fun, trying to enjoy life. He needs to make some major changes in his life - grow up, step up and be a man. He hasn't shown that he can do that. Until he does, he's a boyfriend. I'm honest, I'm not taking crap. I deserve to be treated like the princes I am.

I'm busy with work - always looking for something better. It's sad, but I've temporarily given up hope of going back to college anytime soon because of finances mostly. (Student loan interest rates are supposed to rise again in about 2 weeks) I'm also temporarily giving up hope of working in any profession that I would like. Right now, it's about the benjamins to fill my gas tank and pay my bills.

I don't have much money because I'm paying off as much debt as I can.

I'm just trying to avoid SD for the most part. Right now he doesn't have a car (the transmission in his van went), so he is staying home all day. He is considering a million options, not making any decisions, not finishing any projects. He started the insullation, he started installing ceiling fans, he started redecorating the bathroom (almost finished), he started redcorating his room, he started repainting the backroom, he started to redo the backyard, he wants to replace the siding and windows. He wants a new car, but he doesn't want to finance a car and he doesn't want to use all his savings. He wants to go to Florida, but he doesn't want to loose the jobs he has here in Ohio.
He drives me nuts. And that is all aside from the drinking.

My mom - she drives me crazy too. She went to the doctor a week or so ago for a thing under her eye. She had one of these a few months ago. Well, she said this one recently was skin cancer. Cancer. But the doctors aren't doing anything?!?!?!? Same with some breast issues she was having. 1 minute she is telling me that they had her talking to oncologists - the next she says they gave her some antibiotics and told her to come back in about 4 months?!?!?! I'm worried about her because she is forgetting things. For example, BF and I went out to her place on Sunday to celebrate my b-day. I showed her all the bug bites I had on my legs from the day before (grad party in MI for BF's cousin). They were big, red, itchy.
The next day I was talking to her and I commented how itchy my legs were. She honestly had no idea what I was talking about - she couldn't remember my legs, the bug bites, Michigan.
Also taking another step back - she called BF's mom Saturday morning, Bf's dad answered. My mom said she was on her way to this side of town and was going to stop to see BF's mom. BF's dad told her that's going to be hard since she's on her way to Michigan. So my mom told him - "Oh, then I'll stop to see ::toomanywords::" He told her, that's going to be hard since she's also on her way to Michigan.
My mom completely couldn't remember me and BF's mom both talking about going to Michigan Saturday for the graduation party.

Trip to Vegas is only 22 days until my Vegas weekend! (I don't count today and I don't count the day we leave) I am SOOOO excited!!

Oh, comedy club last night was fun. Another comedy club Sunday night. Ha Ha Ha.

Waiting for the rain to stop so I can ride my brand new bike

That's about everything in my neck of the woods.

[clove]

Thanks for your post. It's good to hear from people that are in your sitch. I think I might be there soon myself.

Thank You,

[Toomanywords]

Not sure exactly what you mean by you might be in my place - so I'm not sure to say sorry or congrats (sorry if you are going through divorce, congrats if you are surviving afterwards)

It hasn't been an easy road as my posts and anyone here can say.
I honestly didn't know how I would survive last year. When everything was happening - I had no plan, I couldn't think, I couldn't eat or sleep. I almost lost my job, I had just lost my H. I lost all the hopes and dreams and plans we had built together. In the matter of 5 days we went from married with a few issues and just taking a week break to signing the papers to start the divorce process. Shocking. Appauling. Depressing.

But alas, with the help of EVERYONE here on the boards - I'm still surviving.

Thanks for the support.
Hang in there no matter what your situation.

[Toomanywords]

I like having a place to vent.

Came home from work last night, SD was asleep on the couch. I might have woken him up making myself dinner, he went into his bedroom.
I woke him up later because we had a HUGE storm - the lightening was amazing.

Well, I was online on my computer last night. When the storm started, I shut everything down and turned off the computer.
SD texted me this morning - the house (phone) not working why?

I called him, he said that the phone says it's in use and that he checked all the phones. I told him he can go in my room, the tower of the computer is between my bed and the dog's cage (you really cannot imagine how cramped my room is). I told him to pull the phone cord out of the back of the computer (to do this I told him he'd have to lay across my bed).

I tried to call back to see if it worked and he's not answering. So I sent him a text and still no response. The house phone is till a busy signal. This has happened before when my mom used to be there, with her computer.

I guess her and SD got in an argument yesterday about several different things.
1 of which being, she asked if he had taken the dog out - he said no, why? She yelled at him that if he is home, he should take the dog out- especially if he is going to get all pissed off if the dog has an accident in the house.

I am truely praying that I win big in Vegas so I can pay off bills and move out. I know how unlikely this is to happen, especially since I don't plan on gambling much.

I know if things get too bad, I can go to BF's - but that's just for a day or night or two. It's all just so frustrating.

[Toomanywords]

Alright, 3 weeks from tomorrow, but so what. I don't count the day we leave, I don't count today - so there are 21 days till Vegas baby! I am so excited. I ordered a new watch (only $15. ) You can see my beautiful new Vegas watch HERE

I needed a minor short mental break from work. It's crazy summer time season. Everyone is trying to fill positions. We are crazy busy. This morning alone I went through 18+ voicemails and at least 6 faxes that came in. Crazy! It doesn't help that people lie on their applications - claiming degrees and diplomas they don't have, lying about dates of employment and salary. Argh!
Not to mention how hard it is to get verifications because everyone is on vacation.

Oh, I called SD to check on the phone situation - turns out the phone in the kitchen is bad. Surprise surprise. But no appology for accusing me of breaking the phones with my computer. (he just thinks computers are bad and evil and mind warping because of what happened with my mom).
I'm really understanding why she left, I'm starting to wonder how she hung on for 15+ years. I've been living there since April and I need out!

Anyway, enough venting and celebrating - time to get back to work. Thank GOD tomorrow is Friday. If this was a Monday or Tuesday - I might have to cry.

[Toomanywords]

I made an evil horrible life altering decision last night.

Went home, was hungry - asked SD if he wanted to go get something to eat. He asked if I would be able to drop him off somewhere afterwards. I said sure.
He went to a car lot. No real sense of what he wanted other than V6, about double the gas milage he was getting in his van and payments around $200/month.

He found a s10 he liked, but it was V4. He found another s10 he liked - but didn't like the black dash (?!?!) He found another s10 he liked, but it had high mileage and stained seats. He was alright with a dodge.
Then he found a ranger he liked. Ranger xlt extended cab 6 ft bed, awesome rims, 43k miles - came with bed liner and cover. Was 15900, lowered to 14900. SD wasn't comfortable, he called a friend. He tried to call his brother but he was at a concert, so he and I were texting back and forth a bit. I called BF, but SD didn't really seem to trust his opinion.
So around 7:30 or so we started negotiations. I could have left at any time, but I stayed since I knew more about the truck and financing talk than SD. SD was just looking at the bottom line - what he would be paying after 5 5 1/2 or 6 years of financing and payments plus his down payment - and he wasn't satisfied. He and my mother had filed for bankruptcy in I think 2001 - so of course that alone gives him a little higher rate. He started ranting about how unfair it is that this guy over here gets 5% and SD is getting 15% because of bankruptcy and it wasn't his fault, etc, etc, etc (it was of course all my mother's fault in his mind). He starts talking about how much he is paying on his house.
He starts talking about the credit score he had a year ago when he refinanced the house. Well, since then my mom has paid off the car loan that was in her and SD's name. SD doesn't use ANY credit cards - so the only thing on his credit that is active is the mortgage. I have tried to explain several times that to have a good credit score - you have to actually use credit, use a credit card once a month or once every other month or so and pay it off right away. He never listened - especially not last night.

Well, they started at $X/month with $X down. Then the per month went up and his down payment went up and he was getting more and more confused (I kept trying to break it down as simple as possible) Well he started asking questions about the credit score they were using and he just kept talking about how he could get a loan from someone he knows or with a home equity line. So me and the car people were explaining that he could get the car loan and then get a loan or home equity line and pay off the car loan.
They were going back and forth, coming down in the price, explaining that he could have the payments he is looking for, but he'd have to put up a larger down payment - which he doesn't want to do because then he can't go on vacation.
The finance guy came out and he thought he could get a better rate than what they were guesstimating with the computers. He did, but it was still higher than SD had anticipated.
He wasn't completely understanding. Well, they thought that showing him the credit score to explain what they are using as a basis. BAD IDEA !!!!!
Because him and my mom had both their names on my mom's car loan after their divorce - her address shows on his credit bureau. I think that was the breaking point. He starting getting really angry saying that isn't my f***ing address. He was arguing that the credit score was wrong because it was higher a year ago - he wasn't listening or comprehending anything we were trying to explain. So, he got frustrated, lost his temper and stormed out. I appologized to the sales guy - but before we got in the car the sales guy, the finance guy, and 2 managers came out to see what was going on, (granted the sales guy we had kept repeating himself and was obviously getting ansy because it was 2 or 3 hours after he was supposed to go home). The 1 manager was AWESOME - he should get a medal, a certificate, a trophy - something. He calmed SD down, started offering free maintence and what not. Other manager starts running numbers - SD is getting more calmed down. The more SD and the 1 manager talk, the more they find out they know the same people (sd knew the manager's dad and sister)
Anyway - they come back with a number MUCH lower than origionally discussed. By this time it's going on 11pm. SD is still really unsure. So the manager offers SD to take the truck for the night, come back tomorrow (today). They will have the same offer as at the end of the night. THAT made SD happy and we left.
I tried to beat SD home so I could go to bed because I knew he would analyze this much more. But he beat me home somehow. He was asking my opinion and stuff and I just told him - it is a good deal on the truck, if he isn't happy with the financing he could take the deal, get a different loan and pay off the car loan. Or he could walk away from the whole thing.
Bottom line at the end of the night is a 2003 Ford Ranger XLT with all the details I described. I think the bottom line price was 13000 or 13500. SD's down payment would be $2000. 1 year free oil changes, tire rotation. Free car washes forever. The manager told SD that if SD isn't happy after the papers are signed - they will work something out, they will continue until he is happy.
The payment they are looking at is $235-239/month for 72 months.

I called BF and told him he has my explicit permission to KILL me if I EVER say I am going to a car dealer with SD

[BarbieDoll]

Hi TMW:

Just wondering what the "Evil, horrible, life altering decision" was? Did I miss something? Did you decide to kill your SD??? I sure hope not or your new wardrobe will consist of black and white stripes only.

Hope he likes the new truck after all that.

Barb

[Toomanywords]

Oh, LOL - that decision was to go to the dealership with SD.

He sounds like he likes it - he wants to get more out of the deal, more maintenance or something. He wants to try to talk to them about maybe coming down in price a little more and or lowering his down payment a little more.

He is just driving me crazy. Like everything else, he is indecisive, confused and refuses to listen and I cannot find a way to help him comprehend some of this.

He didn't do that well in school, he may very well have a learning disability. And it doesn't help the way he was brought up. Esp. his mother teaching him to reward himself first and foremost - so that is why he is so stuck to his guns about not putting more downpayment, so he can have his vacation.

It seems that in his head he cannot comprehend the difference between a house loan and a car loan. He doesn't understand that unless you walk in with cash to buy the car, tax, title - you have to pay finance charges. So you will almost never actually be paying 13,000 for a car that is priced at 13,000. Just like a house - you buy a house for $125,000, but after 30 years of payments you are ACTUALLY paying $325,000. He somehow things this is unfair, unjust and that's he's somehow getting the shaft of the deal.

He did this with the house.

It doesn't help matters that he goes into a deal thinking his credit is 1 way and he doesn't mention his bankruptcy - so when the numbers are run and getting down the nitty gritty they are different.

[Toomanywords]

At least I have something to look forward too.

SD got the truck on Friday. Friday was night at the bar. My 1 "friend" had me worried - both he and his girlfriend said they would come up to the bar and that they'd be there early. Well, after 10:30, I started to get really worried. He eventually calls me to say that they got tickets to the baseball game. I was a little upset because I was worried and they could have called before or during the game. Oh well.

I am once again broke, so I wasn't drinking or anything at the bar - then the bar owner came up and gave me, BF and his brother all a round of free drinks. That was awesome. Had fun with singing as usual.

Saturday BF took me to Linesville, PA. There are millions of carp. They say it is where ducks walk on fish. They do. It was a fun little trip. Then later that night we went to the drive in. (We get in for free if we get in the right line because we know someone who works there and he can let a few people in for free every night.) So we seen Click and Scary Movie 4. Click was great, Scary Movie 4 sucked!

Oh, I should mention that my friend did come to the bar Friday - and he and BF were talking about all of us going to see Click. Well, before we were getting ready for the drive in, around 7:30 or so - that same "friend" calls me and says he's at some party on a private beach and wants us to come party. I explain that we'd think about it, but we were planning on the movies - as we had discussed Friday. He was arguing with me, his girlfriend was arguing with me that they have come up to the bar 3 times and we never accept their invites, etc, etc, etc. (They have invited me and a few times me and BF over to their house to drink and spend the night and watch Star Wars. They are VERY big into Star Wars. Also, they aren't inviting us to his house or her house or their house - they are inviting me/us to his parent's house.) Anyway. They call again during the movie to argue with me to come to the beach. To go, get my tent and sleeping bag and come sleep on the beach. I explain no - we are at the movies, the invitation is appreciated, but it was too late - also, we wouldn't even know where to go.

Sunday I went home to do laundry and relax. BF and his brother had to go look at a free dump truck they are getting (just for scrap, it doesn't run).

Then around 6:30 we went to the comedy club. All week we had been planning for me, BF, his brother, my "friend" and his girlfriend to go.
So, I call my "friend" to see where he is - and he tells me that him and girlfriend have decided to go to the drive in to see Click.
I was a bit upset and told them that I just wish they would have told me so that we could have at least tried to give their tickets away. They told me how they want to buy a house and need to save money (going to the comedy club would cost $15. $5 parking, $5/person to get in). (Not to mention that him and his girlfriend want to buy a $200k house on his salary alone of $10/hour)

I'm just really frustrated with him.



Oh well. 17 days till Vegas.

Bf was talking Friday night about kids and marriage. He was joking about getting married in Vegas. I told him flat out no. Joking or not. This started a discussion about if I wanted to get married again. I told him straight out - I do went to eventually get married again, but not anytime soon and not with him the way that he is and the way things are right now. I told him there is a lot that needs to change and he needs to shape up.
He didn't like hearing it and he's probably forgotten it. I did feel bad, because I seen the hurt in his eyes. He sees the whole forever thing with us. He sees (as Shania Twain put it) the white dress, the guests, the cake, the whole darn thing. I don't, not now, not with the way things are, not with the way he is.

Also, XH's sister came to town. She was texting me Friday. Called me saturday - she got into town later than expected. She wanted to hang out on Sunday, but ended up going to the zoo all day. She called and her and her mom want me to come over sometime this week and she wants to go drinking Friday. So, we'll see. Friday night I started thinking about XH (because of a song that someone sang) - I don't know how or if I can forgive him. The one person I ever put that much love, faith, trust in - he made all of my fears and nightmares come true. How do you forgive that? Even if you say you do, do you ever really truly, honestly, completely forgive?
The donkey's butt still hasn't sent back the forms for the bank to get his name off the account - even though he said he sent them over 2 weeks ago I think. I still have the last few baseball cards. I will put them in my car and when I go see his sister and mom I'll see if they are planning to see him and if so, I'll give them to them.

In getting ready for Vegas, I read through the Unofficial Guide. I'm in the middle of Fordor's guide right now. I should get my travel packet this week!!
My friend is in Vegas right now. She texted me that she won $300!!

Big mix of everything.
Things are getting better, slowly but surely. 2 steps forward, 3 back. Another 5 hours of overtime this week. Will make for good paychecks, just makes me tired.
Also - in preperation for Vegas - I'm getting a free 2 week trial membership to Curves.

[Toomanywords]

Work is crazy busy.

I'm burying myself reading about Vegas. Not much more I can do to plan. I have a list of all the casinos I'd like to visit, all the attractions I'd like to see/do and a few restaurants I'd like to try.

I got my travel info yesterday!! We get a driver from the airport to the hotel and from the hotel to the airport when we leave!! So exciting!!

Just been in a bit of a funk the past few days.
I.e. Xh's sister sent me a text message last night, it was basically one of those email things, "Tonight at midnight the one you love will realize they can't live without you. Send this to 10 people or you will be sorry"

I realized I've given up on the whimsical, magical ideals. I'm such a different person than I was a year ago. Sometimes I am very upset with XH for it.

This morning on the radio they were talking about having a box of old stuff from old relationships. I got rid of a lot of items I had from my old R with BF when I got together with XH because I thought he was the one. Now, I deeply regret ever throwing out any sort of memories. I'm not saying hold on to everything, just a few momentos that mean something. I now know that I will never throw out items from my R with XH - they will just be put in a box.

I'm very nervous about going over to Xh's mom to visit with his sister, his neice and his mom. I had a a few dreams last night that I went over. In 1 dream they sat me down to tell me that him and his girlfriend got married and are having a baby. Another dream they sat me down to say that they broke up and he wants to try again.

The second made me angry. Made me think that I can never be with him after everything he said and did. I love the man I married, the man he was.


Life goes on, have to move on.