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Joined: Jun 2002
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Same ole same ole round here.

Each month that passes by I find myself more and more thinking what a big mistake I made letting him come home.

It's been almost 4 years since his return and things to me feel worse than they were before he left.

not only am I living in a ssm, I'm also attention starved, affection starved, emotinal connection starved.

it's almost like were just living the roles him the provider who works hard and is almost never around or when is around is too tired from working hard to be of any use to anyone but the couch. Me the house wife taking care of the home and the two young kids.

I'm lonely. This is not a new feeling for me in regard to this relationship but I was fooled into believing he was going to change when he came home...he sure made it sound like he'd realized the imporance of spending quality time with the wife and kids but now we're just supposed to accept it?

before you say it...yes I have a life of my own...too much of a life at times, plenty of clubs, plenty of friends, plenty of activities. I'm not lonly for friends or a life I'm lonely for a male companion.

for those who don't know me I should clarify that though it sounds as if I was the waw that is not the case...he had ea, he moved out, he said he wanted d, he was given a choice for a while and just about the time the choice would no longer be his decided he'd made a mistake and wanted to come home.

now he's dug his feet in and I feel hopeless.

LL

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I have tried to talk to h about how I feel. last May (over a year ago now) I let him know that I don't feel like we spend enough time together and that I feel like we're just drifting along.

He owns his own business that is seasonal to a point. During the spring summer and fall he works ridiculous hours (leaving @ 6 am and usually not returning until after 7 even if returning earlier usually only has enough energy to eat dinner and fall asleep on the couch) During the short winter months he still goes to work everyday granted for less hours but still resorts to falling asleep on the couch most of the time.

Last night he didn't get home until after 8pm (that's two nights in a row of after 8) when I comment on it I'm given nothing but attitude. I'm just supposed to accept it. When I let him know it's not acceptable all hell breaks loose and he's then pissed.

because I had this conversation with him while he was on his way home...when he did get home he didn't say one word to me...I sat on the deck for a few minutes he went and sat on the front porch..he then went to bed..I was aggrivated and didn't want to sleep in the same bed with him so slept on sons bottom bunk. When h left this am (son and I were still asleep dd was up with dad..h came into sons room to kiss his sleeping body goodbye for the day and started walking away..I heard dd say what about momma so then he gave me a peck on the cheek (the standard greeting and departure from him anyway)

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped. I don't feel like I have any choice in how my marriage is cared for. The best I can do is care for myself and hope I don't snap in the meantime.

LL

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Re LL I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped. I don't feel like I have any choice in how my marriage is cared for.
Hi LL. I work for myself/customers too and know the feeling that if "I" don't take care of the customers, they will go somewhere else." At times it seems like everyone else wants something from me and at other times I feel I would be a fool to turn down work that took so long to generate a relationship with a customer.

Some customers are like ice-cream, gone in a few minuets. Other customers are like bread, good for a few days wait but moldy in a week. Other customers are like dried herbs, good for a long time if treated with respect and treated fairly.

Yes, I know, "what about the W and family."
All I can say for me is some responsibility gene is over active, pay for this, buy this part for resale-it's what people want only to worry how to sell it next month because people are interested in the part but not actually willing to shell out money to buy it.

I don't know your H's business practices but could you take him to lunch once a week for some one-on-one or family time.

I think if I were you, I might try going to Arbys or something similar just to get some "US" time.

Just a suggestion. BTDT.

What could my W have done to curb my work activities? a)Not spent so much on the credit cards, b) put money in savings and said something like "look at the savings account balance!" "When there is $XXXX in there you wont have to work so much, won't need to."

I broke the "her spend, me work" cycle when I said I would rather live in my car than to be living with a shopaholic.

I am not saying your situation is like mine, so please don't take offence. I was just sharing some of my situation. Every-one's is different.

Lou

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I very rarely if ever anymore post to others because I'm no longer in a place to do so. It's hard to offer support and ideas to others when your doing and trying things that you know should work but just don't. It's hard to keep positive thoughts about the institution of marriage when your feeling like your in an institution.

when does marital preservation become self distructive or self deprivation.

my marriage doesn't provide me with companionship (h is too tired, too busy, too distracted, too disinterested) so I find it with my friends and family

My marriage doesn't provide me with activity so I find it elswhere (creating local clubs etc, planning things with the kids and or friends)

My marriage doesn't provide me with a physical connection so I've got the huggiest kids around.

My marriage doesn't provide me with sex so I entertain myself.

My marraige does provide me with financial security and I appreciate that.

If I complain or try to discuss the things that are lacking in my m with my h I've caused a ruccus and get no where.

If I don't complain I'm still not getting my needs met but at least h is content.

what's worse? saying nothing and just going with the flow knowing that your marriage is failing but keeping the peace by keeping your feelings to yourself knowing or at least feeling like one day you are going to run not walk away. OR knowing that you aren't happy and letting it be known to your partner and finding nothing changes and things only get worse (silence for a while followed by once again pretending everything is just fine).


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Hi Lou,

Thanks so much for the reply.

Quote:

I work for myself/customers too and know the feeling that if "I" don't take care of the customers, they will go somewhere else." At times it seems like everyone else wants something from me and at other times I feel I would be a fool to turn down work that took so long to generate a relationship with a customer.




can't the same be said of a marriage? If you spend all your time taking care of the customers and making sure their needs are met so they "don't go somewhere else" to have them met" Why doesn't the thought of "If I don't meet the needs of my spouse they will go somewhere else" ever come to mind?

My h would never expect any of his customers lawns to thrive if they weren't REGULARLY given water, fertelizer, irrated, overseeded, weeds attended to etc. So how/why does/can he possibly think his marriage will thrive simply by paying the bill?

and yes I have used this analogy with him without the accussing tone...didn't penetrate the soil of his mind.

Quote:

I don't know your H's business practices but could you take him to lunch once a week for some one-on-one or family time.





the year that I was pregnant with dd I would call him when on the way back home (h works a distance from home but it was between the doctors and home) and ask if he'd like to meet us for lunch. Never happend. The best we could get was to stop by (if he was even around) and say a quick hello (like not even time for us to get out of the car). Because I discovered later that he was having an ea during that time (which led to seperation, d talk, him saying lots of things that he now denies but I think were/are the real truth...doesn't feel that way about me, married me because it was the next step, ILYBNILWY etc) having lunch occassionaly (probably 3x a week) with ow..when he returned I said I would like to come down and have lunch once a week with him...we could get subs and go to the park..let the kids play and chat for a bit..double bonus he'd actually see the kids awake and we'd get to spend some time. Didn't happen once and we're entering our 4th summer after seperation.

Quote:

I broke the "her spend, me work" cycle when I said I would rather live in my car than to be living with a shopaholic.




I am by no means a shopaholic. Hate shopping, only go to the mall when something is absolutely needed. I buy the needed items for the house (food, clothing kids are still young so we can get away with the -Mart stores, an toiletries etc). Any major purchase (items costing more than $75) are not purchased with out his approval, he however can make purchases without my input.


I don't know what to do...I've gone and talked about that dust that's been piling up under the rug and am now getting the silent treatment. The piles only getting bigger and soon the rug and the floor underneath will be destroyed.

How can I get him to talk openly with me about us? the only time he was able (or did) was when he was not wanting to be with me anymore. Strange how most people with a was claim they are aliens..the things they say and do are "odd" "alien" etc...I feel like I'm living with the alien and the real man showed himself then and only then. It's just what seems to make the most sense to me...of course if I bring that up to him he's got no response or just denies.

UGH!

LL

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LL,

What happened to the porn on the computer and the semen in his underwear? Maybe it is time to do something very different and hire a PI to figure out where he is getting his sexual needs met.

What about telling him you are considering a separation?

What about asking him for an open marriage?

It is clearly time to stop doing more of the same. There is no point to your continued unhappiness. Do something else.

Best,
Oldtimer


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P.S. It is worth shaking things up to the extreme NOW before you become a WAW tomorrow.


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Lostlove... When your H first returned home, how were things? How long did it take for the distance to return? Do you think he could be involved with someone else? You sound so resigned to this situation...sounds like your H does need a huge wake up call. Don't wait, as things will not get better on their own.

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So, why do you suppose your H works so much. Make a list of possibilities and ask non-accusatory questions like, "when you work xyz how does it make you feel, what drives you?

I will say I was driven somewhat by what I thought was a lower paying job than many people I knew had or that I thought other people around me were making more by the way they spent money. so lower pay to me meant I needed to work more hours.

I did things with the family, went on vacations, never slept before bedtime, went to church, W did some girl things while I took care of the kids.

My h would never expect any of his customers lawns to thrive if they weren't REGULARLY given water, fertilizer, irrigated, over-seeded, weeds attended to etc. So how/why does/can he possibly think his marriage will thrive simply by paying the bill?

Because some people are their work more than they are of themselves or their family.

At one time I placed most of my self worth in what I did for a living. I had such a difficult (childhood) life, working is what made me a more whole person. At one time (my childhood) I was not a whole person but when I had a job all I had to do was work more to become a more worthwhile person.

That was me and I am not saying your H is/was the same. I can just give my experiences and hope some of what I post might be similar to why your H does or does not do certain things. I can't get into his mind and say why he is not more aware of your needs.

You say he had an "EA" of some sorts. Did he say what he got from the EA? Lots of men get different things from EA/A's. I could only guess what your H got from his.

How can I get him to talk openly with me about us? I will add, with out being defensive or angry.
Try something new for starters. What did not work in the past did not help, did it? doing nothing is going to result in the same-old-things most likely.

Your short term task is to get him to see he is more than his work or what he does to earn money. Is there a fair amount of competition of work pride in his line of work? If so, try to being up like work well done, there is value, not just expenses, in having a solid and happy family.

I used to depend on my W to take care of the home things a little too much. I was in a declining industry and the longer I worked, the more competition the industry faced. People were laid off, took pay cuts, and lost benefits, so I worked harder just to keep even. But that is my story. I hope I helped you with your story.

It's back to work for me.

Lou

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Hi,
I have been reading your posts and am sorry for your situation.
If you have not talked to a DB coach, I highly recommend that you do so: our coaches specialize in working with the spouse who is more motivated to keep the marriage intact by developing an action plan and formulating fresh perspectives to save your marriage Additionally, Divorce Busting Coaches are experts in the techniques Michele addresses in her best-selling book, The Sex-Starved Marriage. Your coach can give you advice and direction to help rekindle your sex life.
There is hope to keep your family together. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best,
Karen


Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
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