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#714501 05/10/06 03:24 PM
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It's looking a lot more like a layer of ice is forming on the surface of hell lately... with my oldest friends here posting updates. I have no idea how long it's been since I posted one, but I figured what the heck.

Me: 44
Mr. W.: 45 (yep, my XH)
D12 and D9
D final 5/05--Annivorcery is 5/17

My title is aptly put because I'm still moving on and I'm also reading a fabulous book by the same title (author is Sarah Ban Breathnach). It's getting easier to accept my past for what it is and let go of it. I will say, though, that I do find myself battling moments of anger and resentment for it, and oddly enough, I've felt a whole lot more comfortable sharing this with Mr. Wonderful. He's been compassionate and willing to listen, so maybe this is the part we should have addressed in MC several years ago but never had the chance.

Our communications are a whole lot more authentic--which is good--and I've found myself willing to let my emotions come out full throttle lately. I've had plenty of reasons to cry lately... and have allowed myself to do so without the self censure that I usually impose on myself. I've finally been able to understand that crying is about how I feel, and how others perceive me is their issue.

This week, my entire family has been in a tailspin. D9's dearest friend passed away on Sunday in a tragic accident. His older sister is friends with D12, and they've been gravitating toward each other with little effort. The memorial service for the school is tomorrow, and we're still waiting for details on the funeral. It's been a VERY tough week for all of us.

On a brighter note, the girls are both ready for summer break, though D9 will have to do her usual stint at summer school. She's getting another special ed teacher... story another day, but her current special ed teacher has been a marriage enlightenment teaching opportunity for me. I'll miss him greatly, as D9 has a very special R with him and has been extremely motivated to learn.

I'll share her exciting news as well. She's heading on a field trip to the zoo next week... animals are her most favorite thing in the world, so she's very excited. She was at the table coloring with her sitter at my house 2 weeks ago when she wrote ZOO across the paper. The sitter held up 2 hands and asked if she was writing numbers or letters. She chose the letters hand. D12 said, "D9, you just wrote the word zoo!" She enthusiastically nodded and clapped, seeming to say, "I'm so glad you understand!" She's also written the letter B... which is a difficult letter to maneuver for her.

Except for periodic toileting accidents (one last night in bed), she's doing well.

D12 is also kicking butt. She's still making straight A's, is heading into 7th grade in A/P classes and is loving the life of a volleyball player. She had a terrific time in Dallas--probably thanks to my sister and Nickel--and came "this" close to qualifying for nationals on Sunday (junior olympics). Our club season has now come to a close and she's playing for her middle school and is going to try out for a quick competitive fall league before tryouts for her present club in October. Oh, and she's heading to Scotland for a month with my parents in July. Life's good for her... well, except when I'm trying to keep up with her!

In between volleyball, we watch a lot of hockey. I wound up taking her, a friend and D9 to see the Avs play in March as a gift to myself. (I had a rather generous self appreciating birthday this year. ) Well, D12 fell in love with the game and didn't have to work too hard to convince me to subscribe to Center Ice (which I refused to do if it were only me watching hockey). My friends and family have now dubbed her, "Hockey Junior". We're addicted...and she's given me her full blessing to find a love interest who likes hockey and who also might be inclined to have season tickets or have an interest in going to the games during regular season. Preferably rink side and as close to the glass as possible... or club seats. That makes me laugh!

I hope I find him too!

And I'm officially opening my heart up to the possibility once again. I'm not going out on the offensive or anything, but I'm open to blind dates and considering a request if asked. Previously, D12's very time consuming volleyball schedule kept me successfully sequestered away from any thoughts of going out with a man. But I'm changing my tune--with her blessing.

Interestingly enough, D12 has initiated her own musings of what might be a good match for me. She's got me figured out better than I would have guessed... and has listed things that she feels are non-negotiable for me. Oddly, they are awfully close to my own list of desired traits: a good sense of humor, likes children, can accept D9's gifts for what they are, enjoys sports (especially volleyball and hockey) and who WANTS to spend time with me.

I think I'm going to ask for her opinion more often.

Oh, yeah, I have one more hopeful to add to the list--an affinity for motorcycles. That's one thing I miss about being with Mr. Wonderful, and now D9 is cashing in. Mr. Wonderful bought himself a Honda Gold Wing last month, and D9 has been his most willing passenger. She looks so cute in her motorcycle helmet and goggles! D12 wants nothing to do with it, though. At any rate, I have a pair of hot black leather chaps and jacket that are just screaming at me to wear them... and I'd love the chance to do just that, especially since the weather has been fabulous lately.

Not much else is happening. I keep in touch with my pals when we can. Wonder is hopefully coming out for a visit next month, and I'm making a trip to the Bay Area later this month, hoping to catch up with Azure. I'd also like to get to New York to visit H2H and Merrick this year, but I have a reunion to attend in DC this fall sometime (where I'll be sure to catch up with Michele and maybe Pen)... not sure how this will all pan out.

If I had anything to say to anyone just starting out, it would be to accept this path for what it is and work hard at identifying and learning the inherent lessons that are provided with big change.

I'm very grateful for the lessons I've learned as a result of being here and through my lengthy separation and divorce. The people who have become friends during this journey have been the best benefits... the proverbial silver lining in the black cloud. Only there's no black cloud here... just sunny skies overhead.

Now, back to work and life already in progress!

God bless,

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
#714502 05/10/06 04:20 PM
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Hi bets -
Thanks for the update.
D's sound good. Does D9 use other methods to write - ie letter boards, computer, etc - that might be easier for her than drawing out the letters? You might be surprised what she can spell!

Say hi to Azure for me when you see her. I thought I might be up there to pick up S19 from school, but H insisted he wanted that honor.

Ellie

#714503 05/10/06 08:34 PM
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My sitch is one of those were we are in contact but no progess being made at all and I think my H is just keeping me on a string. I am thinking about cutting all contact (my LRT to LRT). I honestly don't think it will bring him home so I just see that somehow I am going to have to prepare for moving on.

May I ask if you can move on if you are still Married or do you think you have to D first - I don't understand the difference between GAL and moving on.

Would love to hear any of your thoughts or experience


You can yield more power with silence than a thousand words
#714504 05/10/06 09:09 PM
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Hi Ellie! Your kids sound great too... hard to believe how quickly time marches on, eh?

D9 is beginning private speech therapy again (after a 3 year absence--don't ask) next Wednesday. This guy is awesome, and we've seen him before--back when she went to a therapy camp at the age of 4. His specialty is non-verbal kids and he's got some amazing skills with alternative communication methods. Stay tuned!

I'll say hello to Azure, and who knows if she'll log back in here at some point. We're trying to accommodate our very tight travel schedules, but I'm hopeful that we can figure out some way to meet. I met her last year under hairy circumstances--D9 was in the hospital, and lovely Azure agreed to have lunch at the hospital. That sounded awful to me, so we found a more agreeable location to lunch! If you convince your H to swap, you going to head up over Memorial Day weekend?

Messyhead, you seem pretty new at this DB process. At the very least, I'm going to recommend starting up in Newcomers and posting your story in detail to let others get to know the pertinent info before passing along comments.

You didn't mention if you have children. I'm NOT a fan of LRT where children are concerned, for obvious reasons. What concerns me even more is that your musing implies that you'd be doing it solely to gain a reaction from him. Rule #1: NEVER (and I mean EVER) do or say anything to gain a reaction. You will always back yourself into a corner where you can't win.

This is where I can elaborate on the distinctions between moving on and GAL.

GAL (get a life). Well, IMHO that's what I'd be doing if my goal was to save my marriage to the extent possible. It means that you put yourself on the radar screen. You take care of yourself... you do things that fulfill you and bring you joy... for no other reason than the fact that you (like many of us) have probably allowed yourself to get lost in your marriage. GAL means you start taking responsibility for your life and your identity, and no matter what happens, in order to move on, you have to know what sort of life you want to lead... and get those goals in motion.

So, no, I don't think you can "move on" if your goal is to remain married (and you still are). My D has been final almost a year, and I'm not barking up that tree. I've got my own forest to play in, and I'm more than ready to find love again.

Does that answer your question?

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
#714505 05/10/06 09:46 PM
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Thanks - I am a daily visitor to newcomers posting and responding a lot. DBing since Jan with no progress - H makes no mention of M at all. It is a 2 year M with no children. I honestly have DBd my A$$ off - I do still want my M but the limbo just gets intolerable at times.

I suppose I am just looking into other avenues and moving on is something I do think about - but like detaching a very intangible concept - so just trying to do my homework really.

Thank you though for your insight - BTW so sorry your M did not work out - I hope and believe you will find love again


You can yield more power with silence than a thousand words
#714506 05/10/06 09:59 PM
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Hey there, Messyhead...

Quote:

I honestly have DBd my A$$ off - I do still want my M but the limbo just gets intolerable at times.





Oh, man, I do understand. I traveled the DB road for more than 2 years, so please know you've got a friend here. I just want you to remember something that my DB coach (Laurie) reminded me early in the game: waiting in limbo is your choice.

It always made me feel better knowing that my action (or inaction) was a choice. Now in the early days, it didn't make me feel better about HIS choices, but I didn't take too long to realize I had no control over them.

So are you saying that you guys remain in frequent contact but ignore the elephant in the living room? Tell me more... or direct me to your thread.

I'm not sorry for my path anymore, friend. It is what it is, and there is a divine hand in where I am right now. While it would have been awesome had Mr. Wonderful decided to make the effort to give our M a good boy scout try, he didn't. I don't judge... and while fear does surface here and there, I try to remember that the last few years of our M were awfully unhappy. A great deal of that perceived unhappiness was all my own fault... and that's where the miracle lies. Because of my separation, I changed what is in my heart.

If you need help with reframing detaching and other stuff, I'm sure we can help you out. It's initially tough, but once you do, it becomes crystal clear.

Life is about choices, friend. We can only control the choices that are ours to make, so choose wisely. You'll have no regrets.

Hugs,

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
#714507 05/10/06 10:03 PM
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messyhead,

I'm really sorry to hear about your sitch, but you've taken the right steps to being here if your marriage is what you are wanting.

I'd tell you from my perspective as a WAW, I didn't mention the M much either when XH and I had conversations. I was more interested into getting back into normal conversation with no pressure. Second, I'll tell you that what I really really needed from him the most was for him to GAL WITHOUT moving on. I know you're a little confused by that, but let me try and explain.

It's only natural for you to think about moving on because you feel like you've just lost a big part of your life and you're wondering what's going to fill that space. Part of my problem was that my XH depended upon me for all things emotional. I was the emotional thermostat and I felt like he didn't have a life without me. That I really could have been anyone to him, just as long as he wasn't alone.

Don't get me wrong, I've got my own issues that contributed to how I felt, but what I wanted him to do was to have his own life and show me that he WANTED me in his, not that he NEEDED me in it. And there is a HUGE difference in how that feels to someone. One is confident, one is insecure.

So getting a life, but making sure that it's all for you and learning to rely on you and keeping the door open for your H to see that. My XH on the other hand, was so desperate to not be alone, he was looking for someone else the moment I walked out the door.

Also, when i walked out the door he felt he knew for sure that I wasn't coming back...and that made me even more sure that what I was doing was the right thing. If he had said to me, "If you need to go, because you need some time, go, I'll be here no matter how long it takes you. I love you." I think our story would have been a different one. It meant he had confidence in our relationship at a time in which I didn't...that would have been something that meant something to me when nothing else he said did.

That's just my two cents without reading your whole sitch.


Nickel "The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."
#714508 05/10/06 10:44 PM
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Underdog hi friend my sitch - it is not pretty - I vent and get angry a lot. 180 getting results maybe

Rabbit - hi there - it does make me laugh sometimes when a WAS appears on the board - like "hey we have a real live WAS here" - and they get hammered with questions - no offence - glad for any input.

One dilemna the LBS face with "keeping the door open" is that sometimes the WAS (especially the WAH) seem to realise the door is open and use that as an opportunity to "keep us on the hook" - that is what it feels like sometimes. Sort of reeling us in and out hence the roller and of course our self-esteem suffers simply becuase we begin to feel that we are only some sort of "emotional whore" to the WAS.

I actually do see the point of the WAW, years of neglect -my mum was one actually and I understand many H's need a kick up the a$$ and if they are good guys underneath they will rise to the challenge.

Your point about GAL is the very thing we LBS NEED to do I have not had many postives in my sitch except a couple of times when I was truly GAL - I was genuinley just busy and happy about a few things.

Thank you for your input - I love these discussion type threads.


You can yield more power with silence than a thousand words
#714509 05/11/06 02:26 PM
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Hey Messyhead,

I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to curse you for giving me the incentive to read and post more often. But I figure I'm okay...

Venting and getting angry are okay, as long as you're doing something about getting to the root of why you need to do it so often. It's cancerous and will wreak havoc in your ability to GAL for healthy reasons. I'll read your thread link...

A couple ideas to throw your way, and just something to consider. Leaving a marriage is very painful, and while I know you are feeling pain too, it sounds like you might need to tap into some empathy and compassion for someone who honestly felt that there was no other choice but to leave.

They don't keep us on the hook to entertain themselves or to inflict harm. Deep down inside, I think that most of them know that leaving wasn't the best way to work through conflict, and they are hoping that something will happen for them to get to a better place. One of two things, actually: 1) Either we change and give them time and space to evaluate the problem from their perspective without getting vindictive or resolute in the path to shutting them out; or 2) We give them all the reason why we could never change and that leaving was the best thing to do.

Our self esteem suffers for only one reason: we personalize their departure and turn it into a story of victimization. We make it all about us, and how awful we must have been and unworthy of love for someone else to reject us.

I admit that I spent way too much time in this frame of mind. But slowly, I was able to see that my XH is horribly depressed and his leaving our marriage had very little to do with me. Yes, the way I had been managing conflict with him was unbearable. And it's also true that leaving might have been the only way for me to realize how he was feeling about our troubles... but the fact is that I did change, and I worked very hard at dealing with the issues I knew were obstacles in us being able to get close to one another.

My self esteem suffered as long as I chose to make this situation all about me. When I stopped doing that, a few really good things happened:

1) I started to see myself through another set of glasses--more truthful glasses. I started to identify my gifts and strengths and give myself the esteem that only I have the power to build or destroy.

2) My PMA improved greatly.

3) I was able to stop and exercise better choices in how I communicated with him. e.g. I stopped trying to turn every stinking conversation with him about me and became a more empathetic listener. In doing so, I taught HIM how to be a better listener when I needed to say things that might present conflict.

4) My GAL efforts became 100% sincere and 100% all about me. I stopped shining the proverbial flood light on his stage and put it rightfully back on my own. And let me tell you, there is immense power in this choice. I felt better and he sure as heck noticed.

Try and see the "open door" as an opportunity for you. He hasn't slammed it shut, which means that he's not 100% convinced that getting rid of you is the answer to his problems. Use this extremely valuable time to change things you don't like about yourself. Set some personal behavior and hobby goals--so that you can measure your successes by accurate standards that hold meaning to you and not someone else.

IOW, take back your power, Messyhead. All of it. Stop giving it away.

My author mentor in life has a saying that has really resonated with me. Suffering is the result of our unwillingness to accept divine will and instead try and invoke our own. What he means by this is that this path has been chosen for a good reason. See this as an opportunity to gain clarity for yourself.

What I realized in the long term was that I was no longer willing to be married to someone who chooses to be so unhappy because he's too scared to change. The thought of being with someone who lived in fear as opposed to one empowered became depressing.

I no longer want to be with people who can't say clearly, "I choose to love you, because you are who you are."

Do you know how powerful that is? It's awesome. And I can't wait to meet the guy who signs up for the job enthusiastically. Something tells me it's going to be doggone exciting to see the difference between making a conscious choice and just reacting out of fear.

So my advice is to stop personalizing this painful path. It's a divine wake up call to become the best person you can be. And somehow, if done well, leads you to being the happiest person you've ever been too...

Hugs!

Betsey

Last edited by Underdog; 05/11/06 02:32 PM.

"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
#714510 05/11/06 06:36 PM
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Bets, I think another thing you've done is take Henri Nouwen's teaching to heart (paraphrasing here): Instead of looking for love, you are being love.

This is such a key shift. When we stop looking to others to give what we can give ourselves -- or, to accept we were born being loved -- there is a peaceful ease that settles over us.

When we're easy with being love, we're easy to be with. We're open to others, and to serendipity. And you've had plenty of serendipity in the last year or so, haven't you?

No one fills your emotional gaps but you. Nickel's posts about her husband's emotional neediness were right on point, and very insightful.

You can't fix anyone but yourself. You can't string the right words together to spark an epiphany. There is no magic you can do to "get" another person to love you. There is just love.

Sounds like a Hallmark card, huh?

Thanks for talking me down from the ledge this morning. You're the best.

-- Michele

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